by Samantha Bee
I laugh. "Good, I need my trainer and they've been insufferable." I nod my head back towards the living room. She looks startled before she gives herself a little shake and stops moving.
"Right," she agrees, smiling tightly, before relaxing. "We will get right back to training."
My moment of peace comes to screeching halt as thoughts of my dad come rearing back. My body sags as my head falls forward as the weight of my entire life comes crashing back down on me, reminding of just how fucked things have gotten. I feel myself getting lost in my thoughts all over again.
A small pressure on my arm drags me back up to the surface, I open my eyes and stare at the almost delicate hand that grips my forearm. The grip loosens as long, blue nails start to trace patterns on my arm. "Where did you go, Ry?"
Scar. I shake my head as I clear the last bit sucking me back down into the dark pit that has become my mind. "Did you know?" I whisper. I may not be as pissed as the others, but I do need to know this. I almost forget for those few moments where I was filled with relief at being in her presence and back in arm's reach of my mission to avenge Jen.
I brace myself as I meet her eyes, but I'm met with nothing but confusion. "One of the men," I cough to clear my throat of the emotion threatening to suffocate me. "One of the men," I start over, "that you had arrested. He was my dad." I flinch as that title passes my lips. He's not worthy of it. Never really was, but especially not now. Not now that Jen is gone and it's entirely his fault.
She starts trembling in my arms and I realize I had moved away from her touch to grip her biceps. Needing her to answer and not willing to risk her turning away from me. Her bottom lip shakes as she opens and closes her mouth as she tries to answer me. "I," she stutters, "I didn't know," she finally manages to say on a pained breath.
I nod knowing she's telling the truth. I watch her as her bright eyes steel in determination, hardening herself back into the formidable woman I know and less like the emotional mess she's been today, not that I can blame her. It would be a lot for anyone to handle, let alone someone who treats emotions as nothing more than a nuisance.
"What do you need?" Her voice cooler and more familiar to me. I would grin but I can't bring myself to now that I'm thinking about my sperm donor again. What do I need? If that isn't the question of the fucking day.
"I can have him killed, get him released so you can kill him yourself. Just tell me what you need, and I'll make it happen."
"I," I start but pause. My head feels clearer but still, I'm not sure what I need. I watch her as she gets worked up for me, ready to murder for me if that's what I need. Is it? Every ounce of torture that man has put me through right to the very end of stealing the one person who ever had my back away from me. Do I even have the strength to face him? I'm not sure I do. One thing I'm certain of now is that I need him dead.
Scar didn't even lay out him staying behind bars as an option. She instantly asked who needs to kill him and how. I nod, knowing I need to be rid of this stain on my soul, need him gone to achieve some sense of peace.
"I need him dead," I whisper. I look up at the ceiling as if the answer to all my problems will be written up there for me to find. She stays quiet and still, even as my grip tightens on her arms as I struggle to come to a decision. "I just don’t know how." I shake my head as I meet her eyes. "I don't know if I can kill him myself, Scar. I don't know if I'm strong enough," I confess to her. My heart clenches at the acceptance I see in her eyes.
"I can get him out for you." She places her hand on my chest, just over my rapidly beating heart. She stays silent for a moment as she taps her fingernail against me softly. I imagine those things could be weapons if she ever had the desire to do some damage with them. My mind starts to wander as I imagine just how much damage she could inflict in other situations, but I quickly shake them off. I know that's not what this is.
She digs her nail in a little bit before she seems to shake her own head to clear it. I wonder what thoughts she was getting lost in. She clears her throat. "I'll get him out for you and if you can't do it, that's okay." She shrugs. "You don't need to have that type of strength. I've learned there are a lot of different ways to be strong. When you need to be weak, I'll be your strength. When you falter, I'll stand up. When you need to hide, I'll cover your back. I promise you, Ry, I'll never leave you behind again. If you can't kill your dad but need him dead, I'll gladly let him meet my blade." She smirks up at me. "Hell, I'll even enjoy drawing his blood for all he's done to cause you pain."
I wrap my arms around her and pull her tightly to my chest, feeling so much gratitude surging through me, it blocks out everything else. I don't even know how to thank her for everything she's done for me and everything she's still willing to do. Her psychotic little grin gave me more peace in this moment than I've known since she first agreed to train me.
Even more so than when I felt the life fade out of that bitch who sold Roe. I realized in that moment just how dark and twisted my own soul was. I never had a strong sense of right, never had the moral high ground, never felt the need for it, but I never knew just how depraved I could be when pushed. The loss of my sister, the grief of losing her, the rage at my father, it's provoked a beast inside me. One that was always present but never acknowledged, just lurking beneath my surface.
Now it's had a taste of freedom, a taste of the type of chaos Scar creates and I don't know if it will ever be satisfied. I may not know if I'll be able to kill my dad, but I know I need to kill again. Soon if I'm going to get any peace. Especially if Luca and Noah keep the whiskey away from me as they've been threatening.
Ironically, after this conversation, with Scar in my arms, I don't feel the need to drink as heavy as I did only minutes ago when I was in the shower. Like the chaos she exudes with her very presence is enough to feed some of my demons.
I brush my lips to the top of her hair, so softly I doubt she even felt it. I just needed to do it in this moment. My gratitude oozing out of me that I needed to act even if we are only ever going to be friends. She's still pulling me out of the pit of despair I've found myself in since that damn news release.
She relaxes in my arms and even wraps her arms around my waist. She squeezes before drawing back. "Umm, Ry?"
"Yeah, Scar?"
She huffs a little laugh. "You're still naked."
I throw my head back and start cackling because I really did forget that all that was separating us was a thin towel not very tightly wrapped around me.
Fuck, there go my errant thoughts again. I need to remove myself from this situation before I do something that I won't be able to take back. I can't risk pushing her away, not so soon after just getting her back. "Right," I groan as I pull away from her and stop laughing. "Wait for me?" I ask as I grab my bag and head back towards the bathroom. She's looking at her feet but nods. Good.
I finish drying off and getting dressed quickly. Trying to tame my dick that knew it was close to a woman and putting up a fight about not being used. I groan as I zip up my jeans and have to readjust myself so I'm not so uncomfortable.
I take a few deep breaths before heading back out to meet Scar. There's something else I need to ask about even though I have no right to care, I can't help but be curious.
She's sitting on the bed staring at her nails as she waits for me. She stands up as I walk towards her. I keep some distance between us, so my dick doesn't start getting his own ideas again. "Can I ask you something else?"
She cocks her head to the side before nodding, looking at me with some trepidation.
"Who's the blonde d..." I cut myself off with a little cough. "Dude, you brought with you?" My cheeks heat but I'm hoping she didn't catch the stumble over my words. I almost called him a douche, but I can see the way she is with him and I don't think she would take kindly to me insulting him. Plus, I'm really not in the position to care anyways.
Her eyes narrow at me and I know she can see through me. I give her a sheepish little grin, nothing else I can r
eally do. "That's Declan. He's been a good..." she hesitates before shrugging. "He's been a good friend to me."
I nod along with her, a little glad she had a friend even if I wish she hadn't needed anyone other than us. Not when it's become clear all we need is her. "You guys seem really close." I point out, not so unsubtly digging for more about their relationship.
She nods but stays quiet. She looks at me as if she's trying to gather her thoughts about it. I give her a few moments as she works through whatever it is she's thinking about. She sits back on the bed before finally coming to a decision. "Can I be honest with you?"
I nod as I sit next to her. "I don't think Luca or Kade would understand," she admits with a sigh.
I squeeze her knee. "Try me."
"I was," she pauses, looking for the right word. "A lot of things after I left. Pissed, confused, lost, guilty, lonely." She shakes her head, but I stay quiet, in awe of how much more open she's being with me. I've never heard her express or even acknowledge her feelings like this. I don't want to risk her closing herself back off to me.
"Declan and I met at a bar and he asked to be my friend." She gets this whimsical little smile on her face when she thinks about it. "He told me that my sadness clung to me like a second skin." Her words feel like a punch to my chest at just how low she must have fallen for a complete stranger to be able to read her like that.
"No one had ever said that to me before," she whispers. "I've been through pain so excruciating, a lot of people wouldn't survive it. Yet not one person has ever accused me of being sad. People describe me as brash, reckless, wild, angry, strong, never sad. People see me as a good time, a quick fuck, even a challenge. But Declan saw through all of that to the core of what was really seeping from my pores. A deep aching sense of loneliness and he helped ease it."
She gives me a small smile as she shakes her head. "I'm sure you've noticed I don't open up easily. Emotions are hard for me. I shut them out for so long, they seem foreign to me now. I was drowning in so many new feelings and I didn't know how to handle the onslaught. Declan held my hand through it, he pulled me back to the surface before I faded from the pressure of it all. He never pushed but was always there and my gut just always told me to trust him. I always had Luca to hold me together as I fell apart and for as independent as I claim to be, I didn't know how to break down on my own without losing myself to the storm. Declan kept me tethered to reality."
She sighs as she gets lost in her own thoughts the same way I know I do from time to time. I give her a few minutes before gently shaking her to bring her back to the present. She flinches but her eyes seem clearer. "He doesn't know anything about who I am. Who we are or what we do." She shrugs. "But as we got closer, it was easier and easier to open up to him. He gained truth after truth from me. Eventually, he started helping me learn how to process all of the emotions running through me."
Fuck. She's making it very hard to think of him as a douche. I wonder if that's the real reason she was willing to open up to me about their friendship. I don't think the others will be as accepting of him, especially Kade but I guess that isn't really my problem. I'm in the same category as Declan. Friend.
I smile at her and give her my own truth. "I'm glad you found someone but I'm happier that you're back with us."
She gives me a cheeky grin. "Me too. Just don't give D too hard of a time, yeah?"
I scoff. "Okay, can we at least agree he's kind of pompous?"
She cackles and it lights something up in me. "Oh, he's a total pompous ass."
I grin. "Well, if we can agree on that at least, I'm good." I stand up and hold my hand out for her, "Wanna go see a birthday girl?"
She grins and links arms with me as we head out of the guest room. I can't keep the small smile off my face. My grief still weighs heavily in the pit of my stomach, but I can't deny that being around Scar lightens the load I feel. Gives me a small ray of light to hold onto even if everything else is so bleak. As we walk out together, I can't help but notice that Scar also seems a shade brighter, a little less bogged down than she first appeared. Her movements less weighted, her smile actually present and the light in her eyes more vibrant. Closer to the girl I first met but not quite there yet.
Chapter Fifteen
The void inside me feels smaller after my conversation with Ryder. Even if it felt like a knife to the gut to hear he felt the same way about me leaving as how I felt over the guys' inaction. The worst part is I couldn't even argue with him. I did the exact same thing to him as the reason I ran away from them.
I'm a bigger asshole than even I realized. What the fuck is wrong with me?
I was supposed to help support Ryder and be the person to help him through his grief the way Luca has always done for me. I promised to be his distraction, to train him, to give him purpose, to get his revenge. And then I abandoned him. Without even a word of goodbye.
As if that wasn't enough, I also exposed his dad and I know his crime must have been to sell Jen. The sister that sent Ryder down this dark and dangerous path. I have so much to make up to him. Starting with finding out every fucking thing I can about his disgusting sperm donor. He doesn't even deserve the title of father. Especially not for someone as amazing as Ryder. A part of me almost hopes he decides not to kill his dad so I can have the pleasure. I really would enjoy destroying the person responsible for dragging Ryder down into my wicked world.
He's someone who should have lived in the light. He has this sense of innocence in him, different from Noah but innocent all the same. He never should have been exposed to this side of the world. To the absolute worst in people. The lowest dregs of the world, the darkest stains on society. I don't know how to push him back to the light, I only know how to help embrace his inner monster and thrive in the shades of gray that make up our world. I don’t think it's good enough for him but it's the only thing I’m capable of giving him. Especially now that I’ve coaxed his monster out to the surface to play.
I owe it to Ryder, to all of them really, to keep every promise I make from now on. No more hiding, no more running. I meant every word I said to him. I'll be everything he can't be. I'll make good on the original promises I made him, no matter what I have to do.
I promised to be his trainer, his friend. That's what he needs. I started thinking about him as mine in the time I was away. I lumped him in with the others in the same way that I missed him. I don't know when I switched to thinking of him as something more but it's clear he doesn't feel the same.
I need to remember that and put him firmly back in the friend category in my mind. He doesn't want in my pants, he wants my brutality. Doesn't want in my heart, just needs a good friend. The way I need Declan. I can do that. I just have to stop looking at him like he's a fucking snack.
Images of the water dripping down his chest flash in my mind and I tense. He looks down at me with those light green eyes and I give him a shaky smile. It would really help if he wouldn't look at me that way. It's very hard to focus when he does.
Right. I have extensive experience with pushing down unwanted emotions. I've got this shit. I feel more like myself than I have since I left. Reconnecting with the guys takes so much of the anxiety away.
Two done. Two to go.
I don't think Kade and I are going to be okay today or any time soon to be honest. He's too angry, too determined to stay angry. He has every reason but fuck if it doesn't hurt. The fear grows that maybe he won't ever forgive me. That he'd rather never see me again then let me back in. What the fuck will I do if that's the case?
I can't imagine my life without the big guy, my stranger. The thought of never hearing him call me Ladybug again tears a little piece of my soul out. I'm not ready to give up fighting for him, I don't think I ever will be. I just can't give the asshole up. He's become a part of me, I think they all have.
"Momma!" Roe's sweet voice calls out and I look around to see where it came from.
I spot her in the corner of the living room with the twins
and Trevor. I unlink my arm from Ry's and head over to her. I watch from the corner of my eye as he heads toward the kitchen. He looked fucking rough when I first saw him, but he seems better now. The shower must have really helped clear his head.
Fuck. Don't think about his wet naked chest anymore. Dammit Scar.
I force my full attention on the kids as I sit down with the crisscross applesauce. I haven't actually seen the boys since just before Christmas and I've missed the little shitheads.
I open my arms for Roe to slide into my lap. I wrap my arms around her and squeeze her to me as I take a deep breath in and inhale her sweet strawberry scent. Innocence in its purest form. I'll never get tired of it.
"Have you guys been playing in the tree house?"
I saw it at the store and instantly knew they needed it. They have such huge imaginations and love playing all sorts of different games that only kids could come up with. All four of their little mouths start running so fast, they are tripping over their words in their excitement to tell me about all the different games they've played. I grin as I listen to them. Always feeling far more content when I'm surrounded by their eager faces and joyful attitudes.
Kids really are the best medicine for everything. I can't imagine ever hurting a child. The thought alone makes me sick. It only makes me that much more determined to take down Romano and every single associate I can. It's not just about me anymore. It's about protecting these guys and preserving their innocence for as long as I fucking can.
Noah comes over and sits with me. I meet his eyes but see him staring at me warily. I flinch at the unfamiliar look in his eyes. He's never looked at me that way; it creates a whole new ache in my chest, knowing I've given him every reason to be wary of me.
How the fuck is he even here?
Why does he seem darker than before?
Why do him and the guys seem so at ease with others? They've been trading looks and having silent conversation the entire time and I have no idea what to make of it. It feels like I'm on the outside looking in now. It's a strange and uncomfortable feeling that I do not love at all.
