The Secrets We Share
Page 13
‘O-K!’ Ava said, widening her eyes. ‘It was a nice idea all the same, sharing the vodka with the homeless guy.’
‘He had his own bottle,’ Nathalie assured her.
‘Well of course,’ Ava grinned. ‘That’s a clever way of getting drink too. I like it. You’re very resourceful, to say the least. I’m sure your parents were secretly quite impressed.’
‘If Mom was even a teeny bit impressed, she was hiding that emotion really well. I’ve never seen her so pissed. I thought she was going to explode.’
‘Yeah,’ Ava mused. ‘I suppose she was shocked and worried for you. I can’t imagine it was ever in her grand designs for you that you’d aspire to hanging out with tramps getting trashed.’
‘Probably not.’
‘I feel a little hypocritical ordering a bottle of wine now …’ Ava said, hesitating.
‘I won’t swig it by the neck, and we’re in a restaurant with food too. I think it’s a different scene. I won’t stagger up a motorway either. I promise.’
‘You didn’t!’ Ava said. Nathalie nodded, wrinkling her nose.
‘Sorry, Mom,’ she whispered, looking remorseful. ‘In my defence, it seemed like a totally cool idea at the time.’
‘Oh, don’t you worry, I have plenty of those alcohol-fuelled ideas and most of them are fairly disastrous, and I’m meant to be a sensible adult! Maybe being deranged runs in the family and it’s totally out of our control?’
‘Not our fault …’
‘Exactly,’ Ava said as she flagged a waitress and ordered a bottle of wine. It arrived promptly, and the waitress, making it obvious she wasn’t in a chatty mood, glugged it into the glasses, shoved the bottle into an ice bucket and shot off.
‘Cheers,’ Ava said, taking a large gulp. ‘I’m obviously joking when I say it’s a good plan to drink and cause trouble. You do know that, right?’
‘I get it,’ Nathalie grinned. ‘So you never married or anything?’
‘Nah. The near miss I had with Sean was enough to put me off. I’m not short of men,’ she whispered. ‘But marriage? Not for me.’
‘I’d say you never met the right guy, that’s all …’
‘No,’ Ava argued. ‘I got my fingers burnt and I wasn’t going to stick my hand in the fire again. That’s more the reason. Take it from me, kid. Men are rats. All of them. Don’t let any of them lull you into a false sense of security.’
‘Surely there are some who are good and kind?’
‘Maybe there are,’ Ava scoffed. ‘But they’ve all kept themselves well hidden from me if that is the case. What use are they at the end of the day?’ She sat back. ‘Don’t answer that, by the way. I’m just mouthing off.’
‘Didn’t you want kids?’ Nathalie asked as they ordered food.
‘Jeez, you’re definitely related to me. You don’t pull any punches, do you?’
‘Huh?’ Nathalie looked confused.
‘You ask a lot of questions.’
‘Only sometimes,’ she admitted. ‘I haven’t been doing much talking lately. Lots of shouting and arguing with my folks, but no chats like now.’
‘Why not?’
‘My best friend and her date died in a car crash a few weeks back. We were on our way home from the prom. Mackenzie was like my other half, you know?’ Ava nodded. ‘I’m overwhelmed with so many emotions that I can’t figure it out in my head. It sucks.’ She downed the rest of her wine and Ava refilled her glass.
‘Do you feel as if you’re on the edge of a cliff and you wouldn’t even care if you fell off?’
‘Yes!’ Nathalie said, leaning forward.
‘Do you feel like someone has stuck a massive hand down your throat and ripped part of your soul out and tossed it away?’
‘Yes.’
‘Do you wonder why the hell most of the world is carrying on as if Mackenzie didn’t die?’
Tears began to seep down Nathalie’s cheeks as she nodded miserably again.
‘Hey, I’m sorry, Nathalie. I didn’t mean to make you cry.’
‘It’s OK,’ she said, waving her hand. ‘It’s actually a relief to find someone who understands how I feel. How do you know all this stuff?’
‘I lost someone very precious to me too.’
‘You did?’
Ava rarely allowed herself to think back to that time when her life had seemed so easy. She’d had Sean’s love and support, the wedding was on the horizon … They’d had their whole lives ahead of them. Or so she’d thought.
They ate their meal and finished the wine, both caught up in deep thought.
‘Let’s get out of here,’ Ava eventually suggested.
They meandered across the road and to Ava’s apartment.
‘This is gorgeous,’ Nathalie said. ‘It’s so chic and European. I love all the white. How do you keep it so clean?’
‘I’m kind of a freak. I like order, and because it’s only me here, there’s no reason for any disarray.’
‘You need a serious shake-up. You need to meet someone who’ll come in here and spray the walls with colour!’
Ava knew she’d successfully buried the awful sense of loneliness and loss under the surface. She’d gone back to the shop after her split with Sean and reinvented herself. She’d ended up as a different person as a result. One who was a lot harsher and less open than before. It was certainly conducive to running a successful business. But the flip side of it all was that she had denied herself an opportunity to find love again.
‘Did it freak you out when we first met? I mean, I could be your daughter. I look more like you than my own mom.’
‘Honestly, I nearly died when I saw you.’
‘I’m sorry.’
‘Hey, I’m not telling you this to make you feel bad, Nathalie. I’m saying it because you’ve actually given me a sense of hope again.’
‘I have?’
‘I see what an amazing girl you are and it’s so incredibly sad that Max is gone from our lives. There’s no reason why we can’t all try to fix the problems of the past. Death is final, but Max isn’t dead. And it’s incredible that you exist!’
‘Er, thanks, I think …’
‘Don’t mind me,’ Ava said. ‘I’m having a bit of an epiphany. Being so bitter and angry hasn’t helped much over the years.’
‘You’ve done some pretty awesome stuff with your life. You’re an amazing businesswoman, you own a super-cool car, this place … I think you’re great … Honestly,’ she said as Ava gave her an odd look.
‘You know, you’re a seriously sensible girl for someone so young.’
‘I don’t feel that way. Drinking and acting like a lunatic most of the time isn’t so great.’
‘I know,’ Ava said, once again deep in thought. ‘Recently I’ve thought I should have some therapy. I know lots of people who swear by it. I keep ending up doing stuff that’s not remotely constructive. I need to learn how not to do that, you know?’
‘Without sounding too hallelujah about it, tons of my friends have had counselling and swear by it.’
‘That does sound totally hallelujah,’ Ava grinned. ‘But right now, I don’t feel I’ve any alternative. If it can help me, I think it’s time I tried.’
‘Maybe you should pick a male doctor too. Try and find one who’s single. You could kill two birds with the one stone. Find some sanity and a husband.’ Ava burst out laughing. ‘Besides, I’m sure it’s not that different here to the States: all therapists are totally minted. So you could end up really wealthy too. Sounds like a fabulous plan, even if I say so myself.’
‘I take it back! You’re not sensible but you really are amazing. Now enough of this depressing talk. Suffice it to say I’m delighted to have found you.’
‘I love it too,’ Nathalie said. ‘It’s awesome to have another family member that I can relate to.’
‘OK,’ Ava said with a watery grin. ‘I have a new reason to hate Max.’
‘What?’ Nathalie said in exasperation. ‘Why?’
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br /> ‘He’s kept us apart.’ Ava sighed in mock drama. ‘At least things are as they should be once again. I hate Max, but I have you. I’ve been good at hating your father for this long, it’d almost be a pity to stop.’
She hugged Nathalie as the younger girl began to cry.
‘Hey,’ Ava said, ‘I’m sorry. I don’t really hate him as much as I used to.’
‘It’s not that,’ Nathalie said. ‘I kind of hate him too. I’ve never dared to voice that. But it’s like having a cardboard cut-out for a father.’
‘In what way?’
‘He’s so emotionally challenged. He’s in his own world most of the time. I don’t know how my mom sticks him. She’s this warm and caring person who would do just about anything for us. But Dad always seems to be slightly removed from us. I could never put my finger on it. But now that I’m learning about his past, it all makes sense. He’s damaged by his own actions, Ava. He’s missed you guys so badly over the years. It’s totally sad: the person he’s punished the most is himself.’
Ava found that tragic to hear. It was one thing for her to decide she hated her brother. She was comfortable with that and it was a habit at this point. But it was actually heartbreaking to know that the family split hadn’t benefited any one of them. Their father had gone to his grave with unfinished business that could potentially disturb his eternal rest. Their mother was still haunted by the fact that her son didn’t want to know her. She herself had lost her only sibling, and for what? There were no winners in this awful situation.
Ava knew she had many years ahead, but Clara wasn’t getting any younger. It was time to try and sort this awful situation before it was too late. It was time for Ava to take charge of her life.
Not right this second, though.
Nathalie excused herself and went to the bathroom.
‘I’ll order a cab,’ Ava said, assuming her niece was exhausted. She would deliver Nathalie home and go on into Dublin. Texting Alan, one of her long list of admirers, she was relieved to learn he was in a bar and only too happy to see her.
She grabbed some fresh underwear and a crisp shirt and shoved them in her bag, knowing she wouldn’t be home before work tomorrow.
Chapter 14
Amber couldn’t put up with another day of stress. Downing a Xanax, she dressed in one of her classic navy Chanel shifts and slipped her feet into a pair of simple leather sandals. She brushed her hair, which was still in a glossy bob since her blow-dry the day before. She had always been a classical dresser and believed in keeping herself in tip-top shape. She did yoga twice weekly and kept to her gym routine three days a week too. She bought updated make-up each season to stay on top of the latest trends. Max didn’t know, but she’d been having Botox for five years and was adamant she would grow old gracefully, with as much unseen help as possible. Unlike some of her friends, she’d resisted going under the knife, but lately she wondered whether it might be a good plan. If she looked more voluptuous and … edgy, maybe Max would take more notice of her.
None of that could be achieved in the next few minutes, however, so she’d have to muddle through as she was.
The time had come for her to get some answers. She couldn’t dance on eggshells with Max any longer.
She’d always known the day would come, that she would have to confront him, and today was that day.
He’d only spent a few hours in the house since Nathalie left. She knew he was seething with her for sending their daughter to Ireland, but she also knew her husband better than he realised.
Climbing into the car, she steadied herself. She probably shouldn’t drive while on tranquillisers, but there was no other way she’d manage to say what needed saying. She knew she was driving like a snail, but that couldn’t be helped. She needed to stay calm and arrive at the hospital feeling as relaxed as possible.
As one of the more senior members of the hospital fund-raising board, she couldn’t afford to make a fool of herself. She adored her charity work and would hate to mar that in any way.
Sighing with relief that she hadn’t mounted a sidewalk or clipped an oncoming car, she pulled up at the hospital. She spotted Max’s car straight away. At least he was actually at work. If he were having an affair, his car might have been parked at some random apartment block instead of where he’d said he would be.
Knowing his schedule, she guessed he’d be in his rooms about now. As she walked down the familiar corridor to his door, she felt as nervous as the day she’d walked up the aisle to marry him. She’d always felt a sense of trepidation with Max. She hated to admit it, but she suspected that their feelings for one another were more than a little imbalanced. She’d always loved him more than he loved her.
It used to scare her and wake her during the night, making her sit bolt upright as she stared over with palpable relief at his sleeping form beside her.
As the years rolled by and Nathalie came along, her edginess mellowed marginally. But she was always relieved as their next wedding anniversary clocked up. Grateful that he hadn’t left and thankful that he wasn’t flaunting a buxom medical student half her age around town. She didn’t bury her head in the sand, but she tried to avoid the more mouthy women in the neighbourhood. To date she hadn’t been approached by any smug-looking gossipy types and informed of an affair.
She was well aware of the notion that the wife was always the last to know if her husband was straying, but she was certain that any news about Max would travel swiftly. They were one of the only remaining first marriages in their set. They were almost out of vogue at this point. Of the marriages that were still intact, nearly all had experienced some major bumps in the road in the form of affairs. Nobody else knew it, but Amber was under no illusion that she had held on to Max by the skin of her teeth over the years. And she guessed it was largely down to the fact that she’d never questioned him too deeply or made him talk about his emotions.
She managed her own by attending a therapist on a regular basis. During those sessions she cried if she felt the need, giggled uncontrollably if that was appropriate and had deep and meaningful chats when necessary. She kept her calm, swan-like behaviour for her husband, always serene on the surface, and did the paddling underneath at therapy.
The Xanax had kicked in as she wandered down the corridors of the hospital. It didn’t make her feel out of control; it simply took the harsh edges off the world. She didn’t pop pills that often. Only when she felt as if she might drown in panic, like today.
Max’s secretary smiled as she approached.
‘Good morning, Mrs Conway,’ she said cheerfully. ‘Was Mr Conway expecting you?’
‘No, Nancy. This is a little surprise visit. I was in the hospital on foundation business and figured I’d drop by. Is he with a patient currently?’
‘No, but I’ll just let him know you’re here.’
‘No need, thank you, I’ll fly in for a minute. It won’t take long.’
Nancy opened her mouth to speak but Amber didn’t give her a chance. She was well aware of the fact that Max objected to anyone bursting in his door. But she was his wife, and seeing as he didn’t see fit to burst in their front door at home that much right now, she was acting on necessity.
Max’s chair was empty, so she turned on her heel.
‘Where is he?’
‘That’s what I was trying to say. He’s gone to the cafeteria. Said he’ll be back in about a half-hour.’
Amber took a deep breath. The Xanax was marvellous. She should be palpitating right now. Hyperventilating even. Instead she felt inner peace for the first time in ages as she surged forward and took control of her life.
She marched towards the café, going over her speech in her head. She’d tell him how she knew he was furious with her for sending Nathalie to Ireland. But she’d point out that she was the one who really ought to be angry. After all, he’d lied about his family and that raised all sorts of issues. If he could lie about such a monumental thing, what else had he not told her?
She ran without stopping until she found her car. Wrestling with the jumbled contents of her handbag, she fished out her keys and opened the door before speeding away.
Her cell rang. She rejected Max’s call. He called back. On the third attempt she answered.
‘Amber! Where did you go? I didn’t know you were coming to the hospital.’
‘Well that’s bloody obvious,’ she said. ‘I thought I’d surprise you. I hadn’t realised you were going to be the one doing the surprising.’
‘It looked bad, but it’s not what you think,’ he said.
‘Max,’ she laughed drily, ‘it’s more than bad. But guess what? I can’t live in a glass house any longer. I’m on the edge here. I don’t know where I stand with you. I guess I never have. I always felt an invisible barrier between us. Something I couldn’t quite put my finger on. I learned to live with it. I adapted, compromised and moved forward. But something has shifted now. Your infidelity is the final insult. Whatever skeletons are lurking in your closet, they’re clearly only the start of our problems. Judging by the way you were holding that woman, I’ve been wasting my time.’