The Secrets We Share

by Emma Hannigan

  ‘No,’ Clara shook her head. ‘I hated myself for giving Jacob hope. He loved me in a way I didn’t love him. The man I’d given my heart to was Gus. I told Jacob so. He sounded so desolate and heartbroken and I wished with all my heart that I could take away his pain.’

  ‘So you successfully destroyed two men who loved you,’ Max said harshly. ‘Until many years later when you continued your little reign of destruction and added me to the list. Bravo, Mama.’

  Clara looked at Max and over at Ava. The pain in her eyes was almost unbearable.

  ‘That’s enough, Max,’ Ava said coldly. ‘Comments like that aren’t going to help anyone. Let’s try and refrain from adding to the hurt.’

  ‘Easy for you to say, Ava. Nice for you when you’re nothing to do with any of it.’

  ‘It is to do with me,’ she spat back. ‘I’m in this family too. I was left to carry the can when you left. I was the one who had to hold the fort when you careered off. I had to stroke Dad’s brow as he died and called out your name. Don’t you dare insult me by saying your behaviour hasn’t affected me.’

  Max dropped his gaze and gestured with his hand for Clara to continue. She went on to explain that three months after Jacob had left, a letter arrived. It was from a Dr Walter Brandt, a fellow Austrian who shared accommodation with Jacob.

  ‘He was writing to inform me of Jacob’s death. He’d skidded on a corner in the wet, lost control of his car and died instantly. Amongst the few possessions Dr Brandt found in Jacob’s room was a sealed letter with my name and address on the front, which he kindly posted to me.’

  Clara stood up shakily from her chair and made her way to the dresser. Opening the drawer, she found the letter instantly. Silently she peeled the envelope open and placed the letter on the table for all to see. Once again, she’d translated it from German to English.

  My darling Clara

  My earliest and happiest memories involved you. The day you were taken from me was branded on my heart.

  I tried to learn to live without you, but never quite managed to make it work.

  I thought that healing people and saving lives would help ease the hollow feelings inside. But alas that didn’t work either. I thought I was happy enough until we were reunited. But I realised as soon as I met you that I’d been merely existing, not living, while without you.

  The five weeks we spent together were the best of my life. I felt whole again and more animated than I ever thought possible.

  I cherish each and every moment we shared. I’ve recalled each conversation and banked each smile in my heart.

  The night we finally joined as one meant the world to me. I know I wasn’t imagining the love I saw reciprocated in your eyes. Perhaps if we’d met at a different stage in time, we could have been together for ever …

  I accept that you love Gus. Why wouldn’t you? He’s a wonderful man. I wish I could change your mind and convince you to leave Ireland and begin a new life with me. But I’ve come to realise over the years that many wishes simply don’t come true.

  I hope Gus can forgive my intrusion in your marriage. I didn’t mean to hurt him, but most of all I never intended to cause you a moment of heartache.

  Thank you for telling me about our baby growing inside you. If there was any way I could have you both with me, you know I’d do it. I would sweep you away and hold you close to me until my dying day.

  But as you rightly pointed out, you’ve already moved your entire life once before. I appreciate the offer of being involved in our unborn child’s life. But I am an all-or-nothing type of person.

  I also believe in the saying that if you love someone, you should set them free … And that is exactly what I intend doing.

  You see, I’ve tasted sweet fruit and nothing else will ever compare.

  I love you with my heart and soul. I never stopped loving you.

  I need you to know that you were my inspiration and my driving force to succeed in life. I never gave up hope of finding you and spending the rest of my days with you. Perhaps I pinned my hopes on history repeating itself. After all, it worked so beautifully for your parents. Alas, it seems miracles don’t happen twice.

  I am comfortable in the knowledge that you were mine even if it was only for a few short hours.

  I wish you joy and untold happiness. I hope you will raise our child to be just like you. When you think of me, I hope you can smile.

  I promise not to invade your life again. You have made your decision and I respect that. If it’s OK with you, I will hold our night together as my most cherished. But I know when I am beaten and I know when to step aside. It will be better for you and the baby this way. He or she will have a wonderful father in Gus. My presence would only cause confusion and inevitable hurt. You are and always will be my one true love. Thank you for filling my dreams.

  Jacob

  ‘I found the letters – from Jacob and from Dr Brandt,’ Max said. ‘I didn’t tell a soul for months. But a blazing row with Dad prompted me to spill it all out …’ His head drooped. ‘The truth came out in the most ugly and insulting way,’ he said. ‘I’m still so ashamed by what I said to him. Clearly Dad had no idea I knew anything and I should have talked to him, man to man instead of behaving like a nasty brute and yelling at him.’ His face crumpled as tears of guilt and frustration poured down his cheeks.

  ‘What did you say?’ Ava asked.

  ‘I’d crashed his car and he was understandably furious. He yelled at me for taking the keys without his permission. I retaliated by saying that he wouldn’t have minded if I was his real son. And that he probably wished I’d died in a crash, just like my real father.’

  Clara stood up and walked over to Max, placing her hands on his shoulders.

  ‘Gus was your father, Max. Maybe not biologically, but he loved and adored you from the second you were born. I was terrified he would leave me once he heard what I’d done. I’ll never forgive myself for the hurt I inflicted upon him at that time. He didn’t deserve it.’

  ‘So that is why you turned your back on your family?’ Ava asked.

  ‘I felt like an outsider,’ Max said sadly. ‘No matter how much Gus tried to convince me he loved me as much as you,’ he gestured to his sister, ‘I didn’t believe it. I couldn’t fathom how he could possibly accept a baby created by a sordid affair.’

  ‘That’s such an ugly way of putting it,’ Ava snapped. ‘Besides, he’d raised you and shown without doubt how he felt. I don’t get you, Max.’

  Clara turned to her daughter. ‘Ava, we all make choices. They shape our lives. Who’s to say if they’re right or wrong? Too many years have been wasted. Too much hurt and anger has got in the way of what’s important here. I’ve waited such a long time to have you two together again. My only regret is that darling Gus isn’t here to see it. I propose we wipe the slate clean and start again.’

  Nobody said a word for a very long time, until Amber reappeared.

  ‘Nathalie is sleeping,’ she said.

  ‘We’ll go to a hotel and get freshened up,’ Max told Clara. ‘We’ll be in touch.’

  As he went to stand up, he remembered something.

  ‘Oh, for what it’s worth, Ava, Sean said to say hello.’

  ‘Are you still in contact with him?’ she asked.

  ‘Yeah, all the time.’

  ‘Would you give him my number?’ Ava handed him a business card. ‘There’s something he needs to know.’

  Chapter 23

  Ava stayed with Clara for a short while longer. They chatted about Jacob, and although she admitted to being shocked, Ava assured Clara that she loved her.

  Feeling exhausted, she promised to return and see Nathalie later on, once she’d checked in with Ruth at the shop. She had just pulled out of the drive when her mobile rang. She answered without looking at the name on her caller ID.

  ‘Hello.’

  There was silence, but she knew the other caller was connected.

  ‘Hello?’

&nb
sp; ‘Is that Ava?’

  Her heart stopped and she almost stalled the car. Surely that wasn’t who she thought? Swallowing hard, she tried to sound nonchalant.

  ‘Yes, this is Ava. Who am I speaking to?’

  ‘It’s Sean.’

  She bit the inside of her cheek. Her hands were shaking and the hairs on the back of her neck were standing on end.

  ‘Hi.’

  ‘I got your number from Max,’ he said hurriedly.

  ‘Yeah.’ She hesitated. ‘I didn’t think he’d give it to you straight away.’

  ‘I called as soon as I got his text.’

  ‘Yeah, so I noticed.’

  ‘So how are you?’

  Ava pulled the car to the hard shoulder. ‘Sean, I need to tell you something. Can I call you back when I get in?’

  ‘Yeah. I’m at home, so call when you can.’

  She drove straight to her apartment, abandoning all ideas of going to work. She texted Ruth, then made her way to her living room. The smell of stale wine was awful. Lighting a scented candle, she grabbed the landline and transcribed Sean’s number from her mobile phone.

  Before she could dial, memories of the awful events that had shattered her heart crowded in on her. She thought back to that fateful morning eighteen years ago when she’d rushed out of the house to greet him. It still broke her heart when she thought of how excited she’d been …

  ‘Sean! I was just about to call you. Guess what …’

  His expression had made her stop in her tracks. They only locked eyes for a second, but that had been enough.

  ‘What?’ she asked, swallowing hard. ‘What’s wrong?’

  ‘Ava …’

  ‘What?’

  ‘I’m sorry. I never meant it to happen … I don’t love her … I love you …’ He looked like he hadn’t slept in a week. His hair was matted, his skin grey, and the guilt was written all over his face.

  ‘No,’ she whispered.

  ‘Ava, you’ve got to listen. We can work it all out. It’s so stupid really. I wasn’t even going to tell you because I knew it would upset you needlessly. She means nothing to me. I was drunk, she was drunk, one thing led to another. You know how it is …’ He looked desperate. But more than that, he looked pathetic. Ava didn’t do pathetic. Nor was she about to sign up for a lifetime with some dweeb who couldn’t even manage to remain faithful before they got married.

  ‘I don’t know how it is,’ she said. ‘And what bothers me even more than the fact that you’ve been unfaithful is the thought that you considered not telling me! What kind of person are you?’ Her voice was like steel. She wasn’t going to let him know how she was feeling inside. Inside she was screaming. She wanted to thump him. She’d never hit another person in her entire life, but my God, she wanted to box him.

  ‘Here’s your ring. You make me sick. I cannot believe I was actually planning on spending the rest of my life with a double-crossing weasel like you. Don’t contact me and don’t come near me again. We’re over. I won’t change my mind and I won’t forgive and forget.’ The words tripped off her tongue like bullets from a machine gun, and even though she knew she’d long to have him back, she couldn’t allow herself to be compromised.

  ‘But Ava,’ he threw his hands up in the air, ‘we can’t let a tiny thing like this come between us. We have our whole lives planned.’

  ‘No, Sean. We had. But you’ve ruined it and there’s no going back. You might think dishonesty and being unfaithful are tiny things. I don’t. You made a choice to sleep with another woman. That’s your prerogative but I am allowed to make a choice too. I am choosing to not be with you any more.’

  When she walked back into her house and shut the door, Ava knew that was it for her. She wouldn’t be able to trust him and that was final.

  The news that he’d gone to America had shocked her. She never admitted it to anyone, but she’d been stunned, especially when word came through the grapevine of mutual friends that he’d taken the fiancé-stealing slut with him.

  ‘At least you know it wasn’t a flash in the pan,’ her friend Sarah had said tentatively. ‘He must love her if they’ve gone all that way to America together.’

  ‘How lovely for them,’ Ava said.

  Her parents had been amazing. Ava shied away from mutual friends to such an extent that she lost touch with most of them. It was easier than the prospect of having to avoid all conversations about Sean and how he might be getting on with his new lady in the States. She wasn’t able to pretend she was fine when she wasn’t.

  The shop was the next problem. Normally Ava loved the interaction with customers. Especially as most of their pieces were custom-made so she got to know the clients quite well. At that time she hadn’t the heart to look enthusiastically at women coming in for a special dress for a wedding or ball. Fun and socialising just wasn’t on her agenda and she wasn’t even able to do it on other people’s behalf. She knew that it wouldn’t be good for business to greet people with a face that would stop a clock, and besides, she wasn’t of the opinion that others should be made to suffer alongside her. It was her shit and she’d have to deal with it.

  ‘If you don’t mind, I’ll concentrate on buying and designing our off-the-peg collection for the moment,’ she said to Clara. ‘I don’t think I have it in me to tell ladies they’d be better off with a dress two sizes bigger and four inches longer. I fear I may be offensive.’

  ‘That’s all right, dear,’ Clara said cheerfully. ‘You’ll be as right as rain before long. You’ll bounce back. Women do. It’s in our nature. Try to fathom in your head that Sean is only a man.’

  Ava had thought long and hard about that statement. Her mother had said it matter-of-factly, with no malice intended, nor did she mean for there to be a discussion on the subject. As far as she was concerned, men were very different to women and had limitations that nobody could do anything about. Full stop.

  Ava did bounce back, but not for quite a while. The next few months were harder than she’d ever imagined possible.

  She kept her pregnancy a secret for months. She was quite astonished at how easy it was to lie once she started.

  ‘I’ve been comfort-eating,’ she said to Clara one afternoon when her mother questioned her expanding waistline.

  ‘Ah, it’s better than hitting the bottle or starving yourself,’ Clara said. ‘You look amazing. In fact, you may not want to hear it, but you look better with a few extra pounds. You have the ability to look gaunt at times.’

  Ava knew her mama meant it and was genuinely trying to be kind. But she hated her new shape and most of all she despised lying to everyone.

  But once she started fibbing, it seemed to snowball. Each time she attempted to tell Ruth in the shop, or her parents, she chickened out. Winter brought chunky knits and large coats, all ideal for hiding her expanding belly.

  Six weeks before her due date, Ava knew she had to come clean. But she simply couldn’t figure out how she’d tell her family at that late stage.

  The dilemma was solved when she went into premature labour at the back of the shop.

  ‘Mama,’ she called out, grimacing. ‘I …’ Pains gripped her and she staggered sideways, knocking everything off her desk. The loud clatter sent Clara running.

  ‘What’s happened?’

  Ava stooped and went down on all fours, rocking back and forth.

  ‘Ava! What’s wrong, lovey?’

  ‘I’m in labour,’ she managed. ‘Call an ambulance. I’m too early. The baby isn’t due for another six weeks.’

  If Clara was shocked, she didn’t show it. Jumping into action, she dialled for an ambulance and gave clear and concise instructions.

  ‘They’re on the way. Just try and breathe through the pains,’ she said.

  Ava closed her eyes and wished the ground could swallow her up. Fear and shame washed over her.

  ‘I’m so sorry … I should have told you before this …’

  ‘Let’s not worry about that at the mom
ent. You have more pressing things on the agenda,’ Clara said firmly. ‘We’ll have plenty of time for talking later. Right now, put your energy into delivering this child.’

  The ambulance arrived. Clara shut the shop and accompanied her. She’d already called Gus.

  ‘She’s what?’ Gus shouted. ‘Are you sure?’

  ‘Yes, dear, quite sure. Now, can you meet us at the maternity hospital?’ Clara said, hanging up.

  Ava, in spite of her terror and pain, began to laugh.

  ‘What’s so funny?’ Clara asked with a wry smile.

  ‘You!’ Ava giggled. ‘This is totally bananas. I’m certain I’ve freaked the living hell out of you and yet you’re as cool as a cucumber and acting as if Dad is from outer space because he’s yelling.’

  ‘Hm,’ Clara said calmly. ‘I suppose I could go ballistic right now, but that’s not going to help matters, is it? Things happen in life. Most of the time they’re unexpected. We humans don’t run to a perfect schedule, so there’s no point in losing the plot, as you would say!’

  The ride in the back of the ambulance was noisy, bumpy and horribly uncomfortable. The contractions became more frequent and painful.

  Once they reached the hospital, the horror began to truly unfold.

  The nurses rushed Ava to a delivery suite, where a monitor was wrapped around her tummy. It all happened so quickly after that. Even now, as she thought back to that day, Ava found it difficult to properly remember the exact details.

  ‘The baby is in distress,’ a nurse said. Buzzers went off, doctors rushed in, and before she knew it, Ava was whisked to an operating theatre.

  ‘Who is your doctor and which obstetrician did you attend during your pregnancy?’ a gowned and masked surgeon asked.

  ‘I didn’t go to any,’ Ava said and burst into tears. ‘My fiancé left and I concealed the pregnancy.’

  ‘It’s OK. You need to remain calm,’ the nurse said, stroking her hair.

  ‘We don’t have time to wait for an epidural to take effect,’ the doctor said. ‘We’ll have to knock you out. Can you sign this consent form, please?’ He handed her a pen and clipboard. Ava managed to scribble some sort of comprehensible name and waited to be put to sleep.