The Secrets We Share

by Emma Hannigan

  The next thing she remembered was waking to see her parents sitting in chairs at her bedside. Her mouth was dry and her tongue felt thick and carpet-like in her mouth. She wanted to speak but couldn’t.

  ‘Hello, lovey,’ Clara said, kissing her forehead.

  ‘The baby …’ she managed.

  Clara pulled her chair closer and leaned in.

  ‘The baby is tiny and very beautiful,’ she said evenly. ‘But she’s very sick, Ava.’

  ‘Wh … How? Oh no.’ She wanted to scream and cry, but she was so weak and dehydrated, the only sound that came from her was a long, low crooning noise.

  Gus notified the nurse that Ava was awake. Within minutes the small hospital room was swarming with medical staff.

  ‘I’m Dr Roberts,’ said a kindly-looking woman. ‘I’m in charge of the neonatal intensive care unit here at the hospital.’

  ‘Hello,’ Ava said weakly. ‘Can you tell me what’s happening with my baby?’

  ‘Your little girl has been born with something called spina bifida. Do you know anything about this?’

  ‘No,’ Ava said, looking terrified.

  ‘Well, the name means split spine,’ said Dr Roberts. ‘There are many different types of spina bifida. The type your daughter has is called anencephaly. This occurs approximately twenty to twenty-eight days after conception, possibly before you even realised you were pregnant.’

  ‘What does it all mean?’ Ava asked, panic-stricken.

  ‘When a baby develops normally,’ Dr Roberts explained, ‘the neural tube folds and closes to form the brain and spinal cord. In your baby’s case, the neural tube was unable to close completely. Anencephaly basically means an absence of the major portion of the brain, skull and scalp.’

  ‘Oh sweet Jesus, no!’ Ava burst into tears.

  ‘Your baby looks perfect facially, but there is a portion of her skull to the rear that has not been covered by skin or tissue.’

  ‘Is she in pain?’ Ava asked.

  ‘No,’ said Dr Roberts. ‘We have made certain that she’s comfortable.’

  ‘What’s her prognosis?’ Gus asked hurriedly.

  Dr Roberts took a deep breath and sighed.

  ‘The longest a baby with similar anencephaly has survived to date is ten days.’

  Ava knew there were still people in the room. Somewhere in the background of the spinning horror that had become her reality, she could hear her parents crying. Suddenly all she wanted was to hold her daughter.

  ‘Can you take me to her?’ she asked.

  ‘How about we bring her in here?’ the doctor suggested. ‘In the circumstances we feel it would be advisable for you to hold her and perhaps take some photographs. I have to be frank with you, Ava. We reckon you are looking at hours rather than days.’

  Ava nodded silently. As the medical team shuffled out of the room, she struggled to sit up. Wincing in pain, she realised she couldn’t move on her own.

  ‘Take it easy, sweetheart,’ Gus said.

  ‘Yes, let us help.’ Clara circled the bed and nodded to Gus to take the opposite side. They cranked her up to a more comfortable position as the tiny baby was wheeled in. She was in a see-through cot and was swaddled in a pink blanket. The nurses had placed a little pink cotton bonnet on her head.

  ‘Oh look at her!’ Ava wailed. ‘Oh Mama, look!’

  All that could be heard in the room were sobs as Ava held her arms out to the delicate little mite. The baby’s eyes remained shut and she was struggling to breathe.

  ‘Ava,’ Dr Roberts said, ‘I hate to be the bearer of further bad news, but your baby is extremely weak. We feel it’s a matter of minutes. We’ll be outside the door.’

  Ava’s vision blurred as she held her precious little daughter in her arms.

  ‘How can she look so very beautiful and yet she’s got such an ugly malfunction draining the life out of her?’ she sobbed.

  ‘Because she’s an angel, that’s why,’ Clara said firmly.

  ‘Here, Mama,’ Ava said, holding the child up.

  ‘Oh no, pet, you keep her for the small amount of time you have.’

  ‘I want you all to hold her. Just kiss her and pass her back,’ Ava pleaded. ‘I want her to be remembered. If you hold her, you’ll never forget her.’

  Clara took the tiny bundle and momentarily cradled her, then kissed her repeatedly before handing her to Gus. Tears ran shamelessly down his face as he too kissed the little mite. In utter anguish he handed her back to her mummy.

  Ava held her daughter against her skin. As she kissed her and crooned that she loved her, she looked up at her parents.

  ‘I’m going to call her Angelina, because she’s my little angel.’

  ‘That’s wonderful, Liebling,’ Clara said.

  As she stroked Angelina’s soft, velvety cheek, Ava felt as if there was nobody else in the world outside the two of them.

  ‘Will we leave you?’ Gus whispered.

  ‘No, Daddy,’ she said. ‘Stay and let her know we love her. She needs to know we’re her family.’ He nodded.

  An atmosphere that Ava had never experienced came over the room. It was serene, yet markedly different to normal. As if the world was actually on pause.

  As soon as Angelina took her final shuddering breath, Ava could almost see her soul and short-lived spirit rising and leaving the room. The exact details of everything else that had gone on were blurred in emotion, but that moment was emblazoned in her mind for ever.

  ‘Sleep well, my darling Angelina. Thank you for showing me love. I will never forget you and I hope you will look down on me and forgive me for doing this to you. I’m so sorry, baby girl.’

  As Ava kissed her daughter and continued to stroke her cheek, Clara crouched down.

  ‘You didn’t do anything wrong, Ava,’ she whispered. ‘It’s not your fault. You didn’t know Angelina was sick.’

  ‘No,’ she said in a daze, ‘but I knew I was pregnant and I hid it. I didn’t go to the doctor and I didn’t ask for the care I needed. I was so angry with Sean for leaving me. I found out I was pregnant the day we split up. I allowed my own selfishness to override the importance of medical intervention.’

  ‘Ava, there’s no cure for anencephaly,’ Gus assured her. ‘All the doctors could have done was warn you about what’s just happened. Nothing could’ve changed this tragic outcome, darling.’

  Although the medical team told Ava exactly the same thing, she felt deep down that she’d failed her child. More than that, she thought God had punished her for being so weak after Sean’s departure.

  Her parents were sworn to secrecy and Ava made it crystal clear that Sean was never to find out. The funeral was a simple service conducted quietly at the graveside, with only Ava, Gus and Clara present. Afterwards, Ava drove away in her car alone.

  Since then, she’d never really allowed any man into her heart.

  Now, shaking with nerves, she dialled Sean’s number. He answered on the first ring.

  ‘Hi, Ava.’

  ‘Hello, Sean.’

  ‘How’s it going?’

  She smiled. ‘How come you haven’t lost your Irish accent?’

  ‘I pride myself on holding on to it,’ he said. ‘I think I rebelled against turning into an American. Maybe it’s denial.’

  ‘I need to tell you something,’ she said. ‘I hope you can forgive me for keeping this from you. In my defence, I figured I was doing the right thing, and I’m ashamed to say that I wanted to punish you.’

  ‘OK,’ he said sounding intrigued. ‘Go on.’

  Ava proceeded to tell Sean all about Angelina.

  ‘I was running out to the car to tell you I was pregnant that day … when you told me you’d slept with someone else.’

  There was silence on the line.

  ‘Sean?’

  All she could hear was his soft sobs; he was clearly struggling to take the information on board.

  ‘Ava, I’m so sorry. I can’t actually put how I’m feeling right
now into words …’

  ‘I’m sorry too, Sean.’ Her voice cracked, and although they were thousands of miles apart, for the first time in twenty years they were truly united.

  Sean bombarded her with questions about their daughter. He wanted to know every last detail. At first Ava found the questions heartbreakingly difficult to answer. But she forged on, knowing he deserved to be told the facts.

  ‘My mobile phone feels like it’s cooking the side of my face,’ he said. ‘Can I call you back on a landline?’

  ‘Sure,’ she said.

  They talked for a further two hours. Not just about Angelina either. Sean told Ava how lost and destroyed he’d felt after they split. How he’d tried to make a go of it with other women since, but nothing had ever worked out.

  ‘So you’re not married or attached right now?’ she asked.

  ‘Nope. As I said, I’ve come to the conclusion that I’m meant to be alone. Even the girl I came here with turned out to be wrong. I made a total hash of my life and I guess I’ve gotten what I deserve … Nobody.’

  ‘Don’t say that,’ she said softly. ‘The guy I knew and loved was one in a million. I think that’s why I’ve never managed to replace you … It’s not from the want of trying,’ she added drily. ‘I’ve been a serial dater for the past twenty years.’

  ‘Good for you,’ he laughed.

  ‘It’s not really,’ she said as fresh tears began to fall. ‘Oh, sorry,’ she said. ‘This has to go down in history as the most leaky phone call ever!’

  ‘It’s probably the longest too,’ he pointed out. ‘Including the call on the mobiles, we’ve been talking for hours.’

  They both fell silent.

  ‘I don’t want to hang up, though,’ he said honestly.

  ‘Me neither,’ she admitted.

  ‘It’s just a crazy idea …’ he said. ‘But how would you feel about going to dinner with me some night?’

  ‘Ha,’ she laughed. ‘I’d love that, but I don’t think either of us can afford the taxi bill!’

  ‘I’ll fly home if you’ll see me.’

  Ava sat up. Her eyes were burning from crying and lack of sleep, but she suddenly felt more awake and alive than she had in a long, long time.

  ‘Would you really?’

  ‘Yes, really.’

  ‘I’ll book a table,’ she said evenly. ‘The restaurant at the Shelbourne Hotel in Dublin.’

  ‘Give me three days and I’ll organise stuff with work.’

  ‘Are you totally serious?’ she giggled.

  ‘I’ll be there. I should’ve been there eighteen years ago. This is my second chance, Ava.’

  ‘Now I feel as if I can put the phone down.’

  ‘I know,’ he laughed. ‘So it’s not goodbye, just adieu.’

  ‘Just adieu,’ she repeated as she hung up.

  Cradling the phone to her chest, she lay back against the cushions. A silly smile spread across her lips. She felt sixteen again. She felt fluttery. She felt insanely happy.

  Chapter 24

  Back at the hotel, Max walked ahead of Amber and headed directly for the bar, where he asked for a double whiskey on the rocks. Amber traipsed after him. When she heard what he was ordering, she raised an eyebrow.

  ‘Won’t that make you jumpy and freaked?’ she asked. ‘We both know the effect whiskey has on you.’

  ‘I reckon I passed the freaked stage several hours ago. Besides, this is strictly medicinal. If I were that way inclined, I’d be popping Valium like candy by now.’ He rubbed his face with his hand.

  ‘I understand,’ Amber said, guiding the suitcase to the side so that she could sit in a soft wing-backed armchair. There were so many things she wanted to say. Questions she longed to ask him. But she could see he was already stretched to breaking point.

  He downed the whiskey and she ordered some sandwiches and two glasses of wine.

  Knowing he needed to keep Amber in the loop, Max filled her in on the conversation he’d had with Ava and Clara.

  ‘So, the big white elephant that has shadowed our marriage has finally been outed,’ Amber said. ‘I had my theories all along, of course. All of them were wrong, though. I suspected you’d been adopted and had been treated differently to the rest of the family.’

  He shook his head.

  She’d most definitely assumed his extended family hadn’t wanted anything to do with him. Now she felt immensely guilty. Should she have encouraged him to get in touch with his sister? Who knew, she could possibly have gotten through to him and resolved this sad mess a long time ago.

  Amber found Max’s family fascinating. It was amazing to see where her husband had hailed from and who he was like. Max had met her folks, of course. He knew who her people were. Whether or not he gelled with them was irrelevant. That wasn’t the point. He had a handle on her background.

  They were both exhausted emotionally and physically, but Amber knew they had to sort things out.

  ‘So would you like to explain why you were kissing Amy in the middle of the hospital canteen the other day?’ she said, looking at him with steel in her eyes. ‘I know this is probably not a great time to discuss this. But as far as I’m concerned, we may as well deal with everything here and now.’

  ‘Are you ready to listen?’ he asked, looking furious.

  ‘Don’t take that attitude with me, Max. I’ve done nothing wrong here.’

  ‘Neither have I,’ he hissed.

  He pulled his fingers through his hair and looked at her.

  ‘I’ve been having a nightmare at the hospital. Abe has instructed me to let people go. I’ve had to give most of my staff their marching orders, including Amy. I’d just confirmed with her that she’d be leaving and she was crying. I hugged her and tried to comfort her. You walked in.’

  Amber felt such relief, she thought she might cry.

  ‘I was certain you were having an affair,’ she said.

  ‘Why?’ He looked pained. ‘What have I ever done to make you believe I don’t love you, Amber?’

  ‘There have been so many gaps in your life. I always worried that you weren’t entirely happy.’

  ‘I haven’t been entirely happy, but never because of you.’

  As she sat opposite her husband, Amber wondered how she’d gotten to a point in her life where she’d become so mistrusting. But there had always been a sense that Max was slightly pushing her away.

  She told him so.

  ‘Amber, I’ve struggled for so long to come to terms with the fact that I am not the man I thought I was.’

  ‘How do you mean?’

  ‘When I realised I wasn’t Gus’s son, but instead the son of a man who was tortured and crazy, it scared the hell out of me. So I felt I needed to control myself at all times.’

  ‘Oh Max,’ she said. ‘That’s not possible. You’ve got to realise that you’re an amazing man. Look at the folks you heal, your staff. They all adore you.’

  He looked so beaten by life at that moment that Amber wanted to take him in her arms and never let go.

  ‘You’re more than I deserve, Amber,’ he said. ‘You can walk into a room and light it up. When you take control of a fund-raiser, it gets done and you raise more money than the other members put together. Women envy you, men adore you. I guess I’ve always felt I’m not truly worthy of you.’

  They ignored their wine and sandwiches. Amber took his hand and led him upstairs, and showed him just how much he deserved.

  As Amber lay sleeping a while later, Max was deep in thought. The reason he’d run from Ireland and never wanted to return was simple. Being a doctor, he had quite a bit of knowledge about genetics. His father, Jacob, had been a weak and self-centred excuse of a man. It frightened the living shit out of him. He had recurring images of ending up like him.

  Obviously he hadn’t been raised by Jacob. Gus was his role model, his mentor and his father in every other sense of the word. But he couldn’t assume he wouldn’t end up like Jacob. He’d seen it happen. He
knew of couples who adopted children, and no matter what traits they attempted to bestow on their kids, they still ended up behaving in a way that was totally alien to the parents.

  Look at Nathalie, he mused. She’d only met Ava recently, and yet from the moment she was born he’d seen resemblances between the two. She looked like Ava, had a temper like Ava and for all the world could easily be mistaken for her daughter. Genetics were powerful, and there was no getting away from them, no matter where he ran.

  The other reason he hadn’t come home was because he’d lost all respect for his mother and Gus. More than that, he despised them both for living a lie and for pulling the wool over his eyes. He hated them for acting as if they had the perfect marriage and an idyllic life when underneath the surface they were damaged and messed up. He’d needed a fresh start in a place where nobody knew about the deceit and he didn’t have to pretend.

  The most ironic part of all this mess was that he’d ended up being the biggest liar of them all. He’d run away and continued the lies while dragging poor Amber and Nathalie into his despicable web.

  He’d been so certain he was doing the right thing all those years ago. Lochlann was a small village back then. Everyone knew what everyone else was doing. As a family they were watched all the more because his mother was foreign. The fact that she had her own business and thought nothing of juggling that along with raising her family wasn’t the norm back in the 1970s. But Clara hadn’t worried about what other people thought. He’d hated that about her. He often wished she’d stay at home and act like all the other kids’ mothers. She’d wear clothes that were like something from the cover of Vogue instead of the housecoats most other women favoured. She loved lipstick, the brighter the better, and wouldn’t be seen dead without it.

  All his life, Max had longed to be the same as everyone else.

  Now, as he lay in the hotel bed, he knew he’d been incredibly deluded.

  He wanted to ask forgiveness from his mother and Ava. He needed to speak to Nathalie and apologise for denying her contact with her family. And most of all he needed to prove to Amber that he loved her beyond reason.