The Secrets We Share

by Emma Hannigan

  He had so much to be thankful for. He sincerely hoped he hadn’t left it too late. He wasn’t good at eating humble pie, but tomorrow was going to be a feast.

  Chapter 25

  The early-morning light seeped through the curtains and nudged Nathalie into the day. As her eyes fluttered open, her slumber was replaced by a nagging feeling that something was hanging over her. The events of the previous couple of days came back to her, and she groaned. What had she been thinking? Imagine if that chambermaid hadn’t found her at the hotel.

  She climbed out of bed and looked out the window. It was early, before five, and she didn’t want to wake Oma. Pulling on a tracksuit, she picked up a key, crept out the door and clicked it gently shut behind her.

  As she made her way to the beach, she heard someone calling her name, and turned to find Conor jogging towards her.

  ‘Hi,’ she said, feeling incredibly glad to see him. ‘What are you doing out here so early?’

  ‘Herbie is an early riser,’ he said, nodding towards the pale, curly ball of fur bounding about in delight. ‘Where did you get to?’

  Nathalie explained what had happened, feeling more stupid by the second.

  ‘Heavy,’ he said.

  ‘Is that it?’ she grinned.

  ‘What do you think I should say?’ he asked. ‘That it was a bad plan? That I don’t want you to do it again? That I’d be raging if you died before I had a chance to kiss you?’

  She looked up at him. ‘Do you want to kiss me?’

  ‘Uh, yeah!’ he said. ‘Of course I do. Why wouldn’t I? A stunner like you, with your all-American accent and your beautiful brown skin. Even though you make me look like a corpse beside you, it’s worth the risk.’

  She laughed as he stepped closer. She didn’t realise quite how much she fancied him until his lips met hers.

  ‘You’re not my usual type,’ she murmured.

  ‘Why, because I sound like a leprechaun and look like a ghost?’

  ‘No,’ she said, growing serious, ‘because you’re a really decent guy. I usually go for total zeros. Besides, you’re totally gorgeous. I also see the way the other girls look at you. You could charm the birds off the trees, Conor.’

  In true Conor style, he didn’t answer. Instead he grabbed her hand, whistled to Herbie and charged towards the ocean.

  ‘No way!’ she shrieked as he picked her up and strode into the sea.

  ‘This is the best hangover cure,’ he assured her as they bobbed about gasping for breath. ‘Everyone needs to swim at sunrise.’

  They turned to watch the sun, which looked as if it was being pulled right out of the water and into the sky like a great big glowing puppet.

  ‘What do we do now?’ Nathalie was shivering. ‘I’m freezing! This tracksuit wasn’t meant for swimming.’

  They agreed to meet for breakfast as soon as they were changed and dry. Nathalie traipsed home, giggling at the squelching noises coming from her shoes. Clara was still asleep, so she changed swiftly and ran back to meet Conor.

  He’d brought a flask of tea and some toast that he’d wrapped in a napkin. They perched in a sheltered part of the cove and looked out to sea. Conor wrapped a warm blanket around her and handed her a mug.

  ‘You’re the sweetest guy I’ve ever met,’ she said sincerely.

  ‘Apart from your daddy, I assume. I’ve a sister and nobody comes near Dad with her.’

  ‘Sadly, my dad isn’t like yours, by the sound of it.’

  ‘Really?’

  Nathalie recalled her seventh birthday party. She remembered that day as clearly as if it were yesterday.

  ‘Is Daddy coming home before the other kids get here?’ she’d asked her mom.

  ‘He promised and he’ll be here,’ Amber assured her.

  All her friends arrived, the bouncy castle was inflated and a real-life princess had even come. She was busy doing face painting and sprinkling fairy dust around the garden, much to the delight of the children. But Nathalie couldn’t relax. She kept running inside to the kitchen to check if her daddy was home yet.

  ‘Can you call him again please, Mommy?’

  Amber had gone so far as to hand her the phone and allow her to leave a voicemail on his cell.

  ‘Daddy, please hurry home. I need you to meet the real princess. Mackenzie wants us to cut the cake. Come on, Daddy!’

  The cake was finished, the princess had returned to her castle and the balloons were all burst by the time Max arrived. Nathalie had fallen asleep in her party dress, refusing to remove it until Daddy saw her.

  ‘Otherwise he won’t know I’m pretty,’ she’d explained to Amber.

  ‘Oh, he knows that every time he looks at you, sweetie.’

  Next morning Nathalie thought he would take her in his arms and apologise for missing the day. She figured some poor person had been in an accident and required his help. That happened when your daddy was a surgeon. She knew it because he told her often enough. She needed to learn to share him when he was helping to make sick people better. But that breakfast after her birthday party was just the same as any other. He’d slurped his coffee while leaning against the kitchen counter and necking a slice of toast with his phone held aloft as he checked his messages. Not once did he try to make amends. That was the moment she gave up expecting her father to act like a daddy. She began to call him Dad and never relied on him after that.

  That morning was all the more memorable too because it was one of the only times she’d heard her mom cursing. Amber had followed him out the front door at speed and yanked his arm back as he was about to leave.

  ‘Is that it?’ she had yelled. ‘You miss her birthday party and leave her to cry herself to sleep and you think it’s OK to just drive out of here as if you’re the king of the castle?’

  ‘Stop shouting, Amber, you’re embarrassing yourself.’

  ‘I don’t give a shit about who I embarrass. You broke your daughter’s heart yesterday and I hope you’re proud. I can make excuses for your coldness towards me. Believe me, I have dozens of them stored up in my head. But I will never understand how you can disappoint an innocent little girl who thinks the world of you. Shame on you, Max. This is a new low. You want to hear me embarrassing you? Well you’re a heartless bollox and I hope you are fabulously fucking happy with yourself.’

  Once the door-slamming was over and Amber had showered and washed her hair, the day improved dramatically. Nathalie skipped school so they could go to the mall. They bought clothes and toys and had cheesecake for lunch. Her mom sat opposite her as they shovelled in cake and took her hand. With tears in her eyes she apologised for her dreadful behaviour that morning.

  ‘It’s never OK to speak like that, but your father drove me over the line.’

  ‘It’s OK, Mommy, I understand. I won’t call people that name unless they really and truly deserve it.’ Amber had gone from looking stricken to roaring with laughter. The same day Nathalie put her father in one box, her mom was elevated to quite a height.

  ‘Well it’s good that you have that relationship with your mother,’ Conor said. ‘But maybe after all the hassle you’ve caused recently, you’ve shocked your poor father into submission.’

  Nathalie stared at him. She had never met anyone so direct.

  ‘You know,’ she mused, ‘you could be right. I think I freaked the shit out of him.’

  ‘Not always a bad thing. Although next time try not to have a near-death experience while you’re at it.’

  She spent the next hour cuddled into Conor as they chatted about life and what a weird world it was. They swapped phone numbers and then she reluctantly stood up.

  ‘I’d best be getting back. I don’t want them to think I’m trying to do myself in again.’

  ‘Ah no, one suicide attempt is enough for the moment,’ he grinned.

  ‘See you later?’

  ‘Not if I see you first,’ he said, waving and calling to Herbie.

  By the time she got back, Clara was up a
nd about. She was in the sewing room, ironing part of the quilt.

  ‘Hi, Oma,’ Nathalie said. ‘Sorry if you were worried.’

  ‘I heard you coming in and leaving again. I guessed from the pile of soaked clothes that you’d been swimming with your young man.’

  ‘You’re a regular Ms CSI,’ Nathalie said. She hesitated, before apologising for all the worry she’d caused.

  Clara sighed and beckoned for her to come over. As they sat side by side, she explained what had happened to make Max leave.

  ‘Wow,’ was all Nathalie could say. ‘I’d never have guessed. When I overheard you at the grave talking about your affair, I felt shocked and betrayed – on my dad’s behalf as much as anything. But now that you’ve explained it was Jacob you slept with, it becomes a bit easier to understand.’

  ‘I’m not proud of what happened,’ Clara said. ‘But I cannot change the past.’

  ‘None of us can,’ Nathalie said sensibly. ‘But what about Hannah? What became of her, Oma?’

  ‘Well, my parents became involved with St Herbert’s school, where your father and Ava went eventually. It started out as a boys only school, but in later years they took girls also. But back in the day, Hannah housed boarders and my father taught music. Seeing as we were settled, Lukas made the decision to write to his parents and tell them where he was and with whom.’

  ‘Didn’t they know about you or Hannah at that point?’

  ‘They knew about Hannah, but not about me,’ Clara answered. ‘A month later, Lukas received a letter from his mother. His father had passed away as the result of a riding accident, and she was gravely ill. She asked him to return to Vienna. She said she wanted to make things right before she died.’

  ‘Gosh, he must’ve been so upset.’

  ‘He was tortured by guilt and wanted to bid his mother farewell, but he was adamant that Mama and I went too.’

  ‘You must’ve been buzzed about going back to Austria,’ Nathalie said. ‘Did you get to see Alina, Frank and Jacob?’

  ‘Sadly not,’ Clara said. ‘I asked to see them, naturally. But as it turned out, Madeline Leibnitz, my Oma, was literally waiting to see her son before she passed away.’

  ‘Oh no, what was wrong with her?’

  ‘She had cancer,’ Clara said. ‘And by the time we met, she’d wasted away to a tiny slip of a thing. But even in that dreadful stage of decline I could tell she’d been very beautiful.’

  Clara told Nathalie she could distinctly remember the look of terror on Hannah’s face as they returned to the house and the mistress from whom she’d fled.

  ‘She was petrified of upsetting Oma Leibnitz and was certain she’d be greeted with scorn.’

  ‘And was she?’

  ‘You bet,’ Clara said, shaking her head. ‘Poor Mama had to listen to an outpouring of anger and bile like I’d never imagined another human being could utter.’

  ‘How awful,’ Nathalie said, shuddering.

  ‘Well I guess that as far as Madeline Leibnitz was concerned, Mama was responsible for stealing her only son and ruining his life.’

  ‘How was Madeline towards you?’

  ‘The moment I walked into her bedroom, I knew she and I would be just fine,’ Clara said. ‘It was dark, the heavy maroon and gold drapes pulled tightly shut. Oma Madeline said the light hurt her eyes. Her voice was strong and commanding even then. She shouted at me to come closer.’

  ‘Jeez, I think I’d have run away as fast as I could,’ Nathalie said.

  Clara threw her head back and laughed. ‘Oddly enough, I didn’t even consider that,’ she said. ‘I was only ten years old at that point. I suppose youth and naivety were on my side. I’d never experienced cruelty or nastiness, so I didn’t expect it from my Oma.’

  ‘What did you do?’

  ‘She patted the side of the bed and asked me to sit. I did as I was bid, out of nosiness more than anything else! But as I looked into her eyes, something changed in her expression. The steely stare seemed to fade, only to be replaced by heartbreaking sadness. She told me I was beautiful and held her hand up for me to hold.’

  ‘Wow,’ Nathalie said. ‘I feel like all I keep saying to you is wow,’ she added. ‘Go on, please.’

  ‘Oma Madeline stroked my hand and told me that she would die happy knowing Lukas had found me. She promised to watch over us all and said she would change her will to ensure that her fortune was left to me.’

  ‘Who was she leaving it to before?’

  ‘Who knows?’ Clara smiled sadly at the memory. ‘Maybe we deprived the cats of Vienna of a small fortune.

  ‘Oma Madeline died the following morning. Her funeral was terribly grand and full of smart, beautiful people. My father took Mama and me into one of the expensive clothing shops in the first quarter. I will never forget the look on Mama’s face as she stroked and stared at the wonderful clothes. It had been her dream since she was a tiny girl to own outfits like that.’

  ‘A bucket-list moment?’ Nathalie asked.

  ‘Yes,’ Clara grinned.

  ‘The day Madeline Leibnitz was laid to rest, so too were many of my mother’s fears of inadequacy. Once we returned to Ireland, things became so much better for all of us.’

  ‘Did you get a whole pile of cash from Oma Madeline?’ Nathalie asked eagerly.

  Clara nodded. ‘The great house was sold. Papa asked me if I’d like to keep it, but I immediately said no. All that came to mind when I thought of that house was the dying lady in the dark, oppressive room. Besides, I had a better idea.’

  ‘Tell me.’ Nathalie sat up straight.

  ‘I adored the house across the road from St Herbert’s school. It was like a small child’s hand-drawn picture: rectangular, with three windows upstairs and one either side of the front door. The lovely bonus was the large barn out the back and the sizeable garden. The For Sale sign had only appeared at the bottom of the drive before our trip to Austria. So I asked if we could swap the house in Austria for that one. I thought it would be the most perfect spot for us. Close to Papa’s work and right beside the cottage we’d settled in. I didn’t want to move anywhere else, you see. I’d done enough roaming to last me a lifetime.

  ‘The builders were called upon to add more bedrooms and a large dining room. The following September, Hannah and Lukas took charge of ten boys. I adored all of them. We fought and played just like siblings, but only one made my heart flutter. From the moment I met Gus, I knew there was something different about him. He was steady and slightly serious without being stuffy.’

  ‘Was he good-looking?’ Nathalie asked, raising an eyebrow.

  ‘I was just about to get to that part.’ Clara winked. ‘Even at the age of fourteen, he was tall and broad. He had chiselled features and the kindest eyes I’ve ever known.’

  ‘He sounds divine,’ Nathalie sighed.

  ‘Gus and I were friends for several years before anything ever happened. As his graduation ball was looming, he shyly asked if I would accompany him.’

  ‘So that was like his prom, right?’ Nathalie asked.

  ‘Yes. Exactly.’

  ‘Oh Oma, that’s so gorgeous that you guys were prom sweethearts!’

  ‘I’m not sure Papa felt quite as enthralled,’ Clara remembered. ‘He was terrified of letting his little girl go. I overheard him saying to my mother that I would leave the house a girl and return a woman …’ Clara shook her head and grinned. ‘He was right, I knew that night as Gus held me in his arms and danced with me that I never wanted anything other than to be with him.’

  Nathalie understood so much more. Slowly the pieces of the past were clicking into place.

  Chapter 26

  Across town, Ava’s palms were wet as she sat bolt upright in a chair at Dr Saul’s office. There were no other people in the waiting room, which both delighted and unnerved her. She detested the idea of accidentally bumping into anyone here, yet at the same time it might be nice to know she wasn’t the only one.

  The door swung o
pen and a very attractive woman similar in age to Ava appeared, holding her hand out.

  ‘Hi, I’m Clare Saul, it’s great to meet you, Ava. Come on through to my office.’

  The office was nothing like Ava had imagined. She had thought it would be dark and sombre, with a brown leather chaise longue and a white-coated doctor sporting round wire glasses. Instead the room was light and airy, and Dr Saul was sophisticated and glamorous. Her long blond hair was pulled back off her face with a glittery clip and she wore a beautifully cut dress.

  ‘I love your dress,’ Ava said without thinking. ‘I sell that label in my shop. They do amazing mix-and-match pieces, don’t they?’

  ‘Oh, I’m thrilled to hear that you sell it. I bought this in Barcelona last year and I live in it. Where’s your shop?’ she asked, beckoning for Ava to sit in the plush cream leather chair opposite her.

  ‘It’s on Lochlann Main Street.’

  ‘Ah, you see, that’s where I go wrong. In Ireland I tend to shop in Dublin city centre. But the real gems are the boutiques run by their owners.’

  ‘I put my heart and soul into my business,’ Ava agreed. ‘We also have a bespoke service where we design one-off pieces. My mother is an incredibly talented seamstress and taught me all she knows.’

  ‘You’ve sold it to me. I’m there on my next day off!’ Dr Saul quipped. ‘So what brings you to my office today, Ava?’

  ‘Yikes,’ she said. ‘This is the bit I’ve been dreading …’ She attempted to smile, but her mouth wouldn’t conform and she knew she was grimacing and looking terrified.

  ‘Nobody likes coming here the first time,’ Dr Saul said. ‘But most of them come back, which I choose to take as a good sign. Coffee, tea or mineral water?’ she asked, opening what looked like a normal cupboard.

  ‘Wow, you’ve almost got a full working kitchen in there,’ Ava said.

  ‘Yup, this room’s like a ship. I wanted clean lines so the place isn’t cluttered. It’s better feng shui, and I’m naturally incredibly messy, so I need to have a place for everything or else it’d be like a jumble sale in here.’

  ‘I’d love a coffee, please,’ Ava said, eyeballing the sleek machine.