The Secrets We Share

by Emma Hannigan

  ‘I’ll join you.’

  She wasn’t sure if it was the familiarity of sharing a cup of coffee, or whether Dr Saul was simply a brilliant psychologist, but almost without noticing, Ava began to talk. Not just namby-pamby words that meant nothing, either. Instead she felt as if a bung had been removed so she could suddenly spill her inner thoughts without holding back.

  ‘I hate to cut you off,’ Dr Saul said, ‘but I’ll have to leave it there for today.’

  ‘Already?’

  ‘I’m afraid so,’ she smiled. ‘It’s great that you weren’t sitting uncomfortably, unable to speak. That can happen too.’

  ‘I’m a little confused, though …’ Ava hesitated. ‘Don’t you tell me stuff? Will the next session work differently? Will you summarise what I’ve just said and tell me what to do?’

  ‘It doesn’t quite happen that way, Ava. Most of the time counselling is about talking things through. Sure, I’m trained to deal with all sorts of issues, but problems can only be dealt with when a person can verbalise or illustrate what’s bothering them.’

  ‘So you work on the basis that a problem shared is a problem halved?’

  ‘In simple terms, yes. I will give you guidance if and when I feel you need it. But you might have noticed you were doing very nicely today. You were telling me things and offering solutions. For example, you mentioned your brother briefly. You said you realise, now that you’ve met your niece, that the silence between you has gone on too long. That you’d love to reconcile things in some shape or form.’

  Ava nodded. She hadn’t known she felt that way previously. In fact none of it made any sense in her own head. Yet it seemed so much simpler and easier to fathom once it was out in the open.

  As she bid Dr Saul farewell and made another appointment, she felt lighter in her heart than she had for years.

  She wasn’t in a hurry to return to the shop. Ruth was well able to manage. Although Ava guessed her assistant was reeling: in all the time she’d worked at the shop, Ava had never taken a single day off until recently.

  She decided to drop out to Lochlann and visit her mum and Nathalie. She explained where she’d been. She was tentative at first, but she knew she needed to be more open with everyone, so she told them all about Dr Saul. She confessed what had happened the night she was mugged and how much of a mess her life had become.

  ‘It was my rude awakening,’ she said sheepishly. ‘It’s time I faced up to the future and let go of the ghosts from my past.’

  ‘That’s wonderful news, dear,’ Clara said. ‘Letting go of the past is good. I’m discovering that too. I’m very proud of you.’

  The two younger women chatted about the power of talking and sharing.

  ‘Mama, you’re not saying much,’ Ava said eventually.

  ‘I’m just observing,’ Clara said wisely. ‘I’m very relieved you’ve had this revelation. I don’t want to say a word in case I jeopardise the progress. I’m of the strong opinion that words aren’t always necessary. This is one such occasion.’

  Ava rolled her eyes and looked at Nathalie. ‘Your Oma is such a wise old owl at times. She reminds me of Yoda from Star Wars.’

  Nathalie giggled.

  ‘Isn’t he the little green fuzzy creature?’ Clara asked. ‘He’s like the love child of a gooseberry and a gremlin.’

  ‘That’s the one,’ Ava grinned.

  ‘Oh yes, I like him,’ Clara nodded. ‘I could be called worse things.’

  They sat and talked for a while longer until Ava announced that she needed to get going. She hadn’t told Nathalie about Angelina, and she wanted to do that. But not until she’d seen Sean. She needed to be with him face to face and know that she had sorted out that relationship before she faced up to Nathalie. One thing at a time, she whispered to herself, slow and steady is the way to go.

  Clara decided they should have a family dinner the following night.

  ‘I couldn’t imagine anything more delightful than having all of us around one table together. Will you help me prepare?’ she asked Nathalie. ‘Would you like to bake a cake? I’ll give you the recipe and I’ll be there if you need me.’

  ‘From scratch?’ Nathalie asked, wide-eyed.

  ‘Well it’s not going to be from a box,’ Clara huffed. ‘I know people often don’t have the confidence to bake, but it’s so simple once you know what to do.’

  Nathalie grinned.

  ‘If you get on with doing that, I’ll start to coat the meat . It will keep perfectly in the fridge until tomorrow. It’ll be a lot tastier too, I’ll use plenty of garlic and I like it to have time to amalgamate with the veal to add extra flavour. Besides, that’ll be one less job to do then. I’ll need to go to the supermarket later on, but I have the basics to get us started. I’m making Wiener schnitzel.’

  ‘What’s that?’

  ‘It’s veal bashed flat to tenderise it, coated in crushed garlic, then flour, then egg, then breadcrumbs, and shallow-fried.’

  ‘Sounds awesome!’

  ‘Yes it is,’ Clara said matter-of-factly. Nathalie laughed, loving her straight-up comment.

  ‘Afterwards can we do some more sewing? I’d love to have more of my quilt done. Mom is gonna die when she sees it!’

  ‘Of course,’ Clara said as she found her mobile phone and texted Ava and Max, inviting them both to a family reunion dinner.

  Nathalie switched the oven on and began to weigh her ingredients.

  ‘Mackenzie would’ve loved you,’ she said sadly. ‘She was such a sweet girl. We talked about anything and everything, but most of all she had my back. All the time. No matter what.’

  ‘That’s what friends are for, Liebling. People who don’t treat you that way aren’t your true friends. Having said that, it’s good to have lots of people in your life. You just need to learn who to trust, that’s all.’

  ‘That’s easier said than done,’ Nathalie said.

  ‘I know. But the older I’ve got, the better my judgement has become.’

  Clara crushed the garlic and bashed the pieces of veal with her little meat mallet before beginning the coating process. Leaving the schnitzel in the fridge overnight usually meant the crumb was nicely stuck on before cooking. No matter how many years had flown by, she was certain of one thing: a decent home-cooked meal would work wonders with Max. He’d always loved her cooking, and she was bargaining on that old wives’ tale that a way to a man’s heart was via his stomach.

  Ava dialled Max’s number. She didn’t want to tell everyone that Sean was on the way. But she needed to talk to someone, to feel as if she wasn’t alone, even if she couldn’t divulge her innermost thoughts.

  ‘Can we meet for coffee?’

  ‘Can you make it to the hotel?’ he asked.

  ‘See you there in five minutes.’

  Ava felt queasy as she waited in the hotel lobby for Max. He strode out of the elevator and smiled when he saw her waiting there.

  ‘Still anal when it comes to timekeeping, I see?’ he jibed.

  Ava knew she was a stickler about many things, but she’d always seen it as a positive thing. Maybe she needed to try and take a chill pill from time to time.

  She approached a hovering waiter and ordered two coffees, then perched on a sofa opposite Max.

  ‘Listen, Max …’ She hesitated. ‘I haven’t brought you here for a run-of-the-mill catch-up …’ She looked at the floor and began to wring her hands. ‘I need to tell you what happened after you left.’

  He leaned forward and accepted his coffee from the waiter.

  ‘You look seriously guilty,’ he said with a half-smile. ‘What have you done?’

  The smile left his face rapidly as Ava began to relay the nightmare that had unfolded all those years before.

  ‘Oh Ava,’ he whispered sadly, getting up and crossing over to sit with her. ‘I’m so sorry.’

  Ava began to sob.

  ‘It was the worst time of my life,’ she said. ‘Then I heard that Sean was hanging out w
ith you over in America …’

  ‘There’s nothing I can say to you,’ he said. ‘Words aren’t enough to show you how guilty I feel. I figured I was the only one with problems. I never stopped to think about the bigger picture.’

  ‘Surely Sean told you what he’d done?’

  ‘Yes, of course he did. But I was in such a dark place, I couldn’t allow any feelings for other people to infiltrate my selfish head.’

  ‘For years I thought your silence was yet another punishment for what happened to Angelina,’ Ava said sadly. ‘No matter what the doctors or anyone else said, deep down I believed it was all my fault. I never even went to the doctor for a check-up while I was pregnant …’

  ‘Really?’ Max stared at her. ‘I know we do things a little differently Stateside, but not to go to a doctor at all …’ He whistled. ‘Weren’t you terrified?’

  ‘I was so miserable that nothing else sank in.’

  ‘But you know it wasn’t your fault now, right?’

  ‘Yeah, I do,’ she sighed.

  They talked about all the reasons Ava had resented Max in the past.

  ‘I needed someone to blame for Angelina’s death, for the messed-up engagement and all the other things that happened. You were the perfect scapegoat now that I think about it … You weren’t here to defend yourself, but more than that, I didn’t even need to argue with you. I could simply hate you and you wouldn’t ever know.’

  ‘That was a handy number in many ways. You could seethe and absolve everyone else around you of blame.’

  ‘I was content with making it all your fault, Max.’

  ‘So what’s changed your mind now?’ he asked.

  ‘Nathalie. She put a spanner in the works. She’s the most wonderful girl. Sunny disposition, pretty, clever and adorable.’

  Max nodded.

  ‘How can she be all those things with an ogre of a father?’ Ava sighed shakily.

  ‘Because her mother is an angel,’ Max said, looking at the ground. Ava didn’t notice his pain.

  ‘All these thoughts have been zooming around my mind since meeting Nathalie. I always knew that what happened to me had absolutely nothing to do with you, but I was so hurt by your silence. Then you accepted Sean into your life. It’s like you took his side instead of mine …’ Ava jigged her leg up and down in agitation.

  ‘I know.’ Max clenched his jaw. ‘I guess I—’

  ‘But recently,’ Ava interrupted, ‘I’m thinking that you needed Sean. You’d walked away from everything and everybody you knew.’ She gazed up at her brother. ‘Now, I’m actually glad you had one another all this time. I’m ready to forgive you, Max. I’m here to say I’m sorry for being so awful about you. Even if it was only in my own head. Can we try and become brother and sister again?’

  He nodded and held his arms out.

  It was the best hug either of them had had in years.

  Chapter 27

  Clara left for the supermarket while Nathalie put the finishing touches to her cake, complete with home-made butter icing. She was thrilled with her efforts.

  ‘Mom and Dad will never believe I made this,’ she said proudly. ‘And I’m going to put my head down and try to get another big bunch of quilting done,’ she vowed.

  ‘They’ll be delighted with you, my dear,’ Clara agreed.

  Nathalie went straight to the sewing room, resolute about getting lots of work done before the family reunion the following day.

  Several hours later, Clara joined her.

  ‘My goodness, look at how much you’ve done! Did you hire some elves to speed this up?’

  ‘No, Oma!’ Nathalie giggled. ‘I’m determined this will look good for tomorrow. I want the others to see how much we’ve achieved.’

  ‘I don’t think they’ll be in any doubt as to how wonderful you are, Liebling.’

  By dinner time, both women were boggle-eyed, but the quilt looked stunning. There was a definite feeling of excitement in the air as they busily prepared the house for the following day.

  ‘You know, the atmosphere in here isn’t unlike the day before my wedding,’ Clara said. ‘This charged, tense excitement.’

  ‘When did you get married?’ Nathalie asked.

  ‘December 1954. I was eighteen, and Mama and I were putting the finishing touches to my gown. Mama had bought the lace when we were in Austria for Oma Madeline’s funeral. It was the most exquisite fabric I’d ever laid eyes on. If she’d told me it had been woven by elves using fairies’ wings, I would’ve been inclined to believe her.’

  Clara explained that her parents were understandably supportive when Gus asked for her hand in marriage. Having wasted such a long time searching and yearning for one another, they never wanted their daughter to go through similar heartache. So they readily agreed to allow them to marry.

  Gus’s parents, Lauren and Harry Conway, had a totally different view of the whole idea, however.

  ‘Lauren was an insufferable snob,’ Clara said. ‘God bless her, she was a limited woman in many ways. She was convinced I was stealing her only son.’

  ‘But you were in love! Gus wanted to marry you too. How could you have been stealing him?’ Nathalie asked.

  ‘The real crux of the matter was that I was foreign,’ Clara said. ‘Lauren wanted her son to go to college, become a doctor and marry a nice Irish girl. She didn’t want a flighty young thing with a German accent tarnishing her son.’

  ‘What a pile of horse shit!’ Nathalie fumed. ‘She sounds like a total loser.’

  Clara laughed. ‘I doubt she would have approved of your language either. But now that I’m older, I understand her a little better. We were like aliens to her. We spoke German amongst ourselves, my mother designed and sewed all my clothes, my father was a crazy musician and we lived in a house full of boys!’

  ‘You were sooo cool!’ Nathalie said. ‘I’d say Gus had to marry you so nobody else could!’

  Clara threw her head back and laughed.

  ‘The day before I walked up the aisle in Lochlann church, Hannah and I sewed the last of the seed pearls on to my veil before icing the chocolate wedding cake.’

  ‘It had to be chocolate, of course,’ Nathalie grinned.

  ‘Of course! The congregation at the church was small, and snow sparkled on the ground as I skipped up the aisle on my father’s arm. I never knew love could feel so intense until he put my hand into Gus’s that day. We promised to love and cherish one another until death parted us.’

  ‘Do you miss him all the time?’ Nathalie asked.

  ‘Every single day.’ Clara nodded. ‘He was a darling man. His love for me never faltered. I was blessed to have him in my life.’

  ‘You guys were so young. How did you manage with Gus at medical school?’ she said.

  ‘My parents gave us the barn beside their house.’

  ‘Wasn’t the house technically yours anyhow?’ Nathalie asked.

  ‘I never thought of it as mine. My parents had done all the work on it, and besides, it was their business too. They still housed boarders, of course.’

  ‘Is the barn still there today?’

  ‘Oh yes, the main house and barn were sold as a single lot to another family. But it was far from a barn by the time we finished decorating.’

  Clara explained how she and Hannah made matching curtains and bedspreads and painted pretty stencils around the doors. With hard work and dedication and the remainder of the money from Oma Leibnitz, the place was transformed.

  ‘I didn’t want to stray far from my parents. So I never did. Some people have a wanderlust that never quite leaves them. They long to travel the globe and see different places,’ Clara said. ‘I was the opposite. I wanted to stay put and create roots for my family.’

  ‘I can understand that for sure,’ Nathalie said. ‘But would you travel to LA and see us?’ she asked coyly.

  Clara looked at her and smiled. ‘I’d travel to the ends of the earth for you, my sweet child.’

  ‘Aw,�
�� Nathalie said, hugging her. ‘Tell me more about when you got married.’

  Clara went on to explain that soon after her marriage she became pregnant with Ava. Gus continued with his studies, and by the time Ava was walking and talking, he had qualified as a doctor.

  ‘An angel was watching over us at that time. The local GP, a true gentleman by the name of Dr O’Brien, took a shine to Gus. He invited him to work by his side at his surgery. Little did we know at the time that he was grooming him to take over. Dr O’Brien had nobody to succeed him. He’d watched Gus’s progress as a young student and liked everything about him, from his manner to his hunger to be the best doctor possible. When Dr O’Brien passed away, Gus took over his practice.’

  ‘Did Gus’s parents like you any better when Gus qualified as a doctor and you had the children?’ Nathalie wanted to know.

  ‘They mellowed somewhat,’ Clara said. ‘But there were always barbed comments cast in my direction. They detested my accent and were highly suspicious of everything I did. They weren’t familiar with the food I loved to cook, and my customs were very different. Ah, they meant no harm really. I learned to stop worrying about them and mind my own business.’

  ‘I think they sound like fools,’ Nathalie said, with wide eyes.

  ‘Some people are just set in their ways,’ Clara said. ‘But I had enough to occupy my mind, and once I’d made my peace with the fact that Lauren and Harry were never going to welcome me with open arms, I simply got on with my life instead of waiting for approval that would never come.’

  ‘Did they know about Jacob?’ Nathalie asked.

  ‘No,’ Clara said. ‘Gus didn’t want anyone to know that Max wasn’t his son. Not for his own sake, or mine for that matter. Purely because he didn’t want anyone looking at Max differently. He wanted him to be wholly a part of our family.’

  ‘Wow, he was amazing,’ Nathalie said.

  ‘He certainly was,’ Clara agreed. ‘My parents knew the full story, of course. They knew everything about me and never once judged me or made me feel I’d messed up in any way.’

  ‘They were totally supportive?’ Nathalie asked.