The Secrets We Share

by Emma Hannigan

  ‘I’ve checked in. But I’d like to see your shoebox of treasures,’ he said. ‘Will you take me to your apartment?’

  She knew there was no need to act coy or play games. Too many years had been wasted and too much silence had passed between them. She took his hand, which felt natural, and led him to a taxi. The ten-minute journey seemed to take an eternity, but at last they arrived at her apartment.

  ‘What happened in here?’ he asked, looking around her bedroom in amused astonishment.

  ‘Oh, sorry,’ she said sheepishly. ‘I was kind of hassled earlier trying to find something that made me look good.’

  ‘You have to be the messiest broad I’ve ever met,’ he said, laughing, as she swiped her arm across the bed to clear a space for them to sit.

  She pulled the precious box from the wardrobe. Kicking off her shoes, she sat up on her hunkers and shared the memories of their daughter. Sean sobbed as he looked at the photo and held the tiny hospital bracelets.

  ‘My hands are like shovels compared to these. She was so tiny.’

  Ava stared at him as he drank in every detail of Angelina. The raw emotion on his face, the incredible love, blew her away.

  ‘I’m more sorry than you will ever know,’ she said finally. ‘I should have told you.’

  ‘Hey,’ he said tenderly. ‘I should have tried harder too.’ He held up his little finger and indicated for her to link it with hers. ‘Pinky promise that there’s no blame game from here on in.’ She nodded, tears peppering her eyes again.

  When he leaned forward and kissed her, Ava was ready. As his lips touched hers, she realised that this was what she’d been waiting for the best part of twenty years.

  Max closed his eyes and held Amber close.

  ‘I’ve never loved you more than I do right at this moment,’ he said, stroking her face. ‘You’ve been so amazing to me over the years. You never pushed the point about my family. You allowed me to talk when I needed and left me alone when I didn’t.’

  ‘Er, honey,’ Amber said, ‘you never talked about your family. Just for the record, in case you go off into some dream land and think you didn’t shun them for almost two decades.’

  He grinned. ‘I’m so lucky to have you here with me.’

  They had met for lunch, just the two of them, and spent the afternoon talking. Amber had conceded that she’d been trying to punish him and make him aware that she wasn’t a pushover.

  ‘You’re not a pushover, Amber. I’d built a wall so high around myself … I’d no intention of ever knocking it down. I’m my own worst enemy and so bloody stubborn.’

  ‘It can be really hard to back down when you make up your mind about someone or something,’ Amber accepted. ‘But if we’re to stay together and move forward with our lives, we need to communicate better.’

  ‘I know,’ he said. ‘I get it, honestly I do. I’m lucky to have a second chance with you. I promise I won’t mess up. I won’t kiss anyone but you in the canteen again either.’

  ‘You’d better not,’ she said firmly. They’d ordered a bottle of champagne and spent the early evening making plans.

  ‘I want us to spend more time in Ireland,’ Amber said. ‘If I know our daughter, and I reckon I do, she’s going to want to stay here for a while. She’s settled. More than she is at home.’

  ‘Huh?’ Max looked astonished. ‘Ah no. Nathalie is a real LA kid. She’ll be home well before medical school starts.’

  ‘We’ll see,’ Amber said calmly.

  A message had come through from Clara asking if they still wanted to have dinner, so a couple of hours later they met for a late one-plate meal.

  As soon as Max excused himself to go to the bathroom, Clara winked at Amber and smiled.

  ‘All OK, dear?’ she asked.

  ‘Yes,’ Amber said, looking shifty. ‘Did Max talk to you earlier on?’

  ‘Yes, only briefly. But I knew,’ Clara admitted. ‘We know our own children. You understand that. It’s a mother thing.’

  ‘Yes, it is,’ Amber agreed.

  When Max returned, Nathalie said she had an announcement to make.

  ‘I’m gonna stay here with Oma for a bit.’

  ‘You are?’ Amber said, raising one eyebrow and looking smugly at her husband.

  Max stared at Nathalie. ‘Did you talk to your mother behind my back?’ He wasn’t saying it crossly, just suspiciously.

  ‘No, why?’ Nathalie said, biting her lip nervously.

  ‘Your mom guessed,’ Max said.

  ‘Of course she did,’ Clara tutted. ‘I’ve told you, Max. Mothers always know.’

  He nodded and looked slightly bewildered.

  ‘So?’ Nathalie was on the edge of her seat. ‘What do you guys think? Can I stay for a while? I’ll defer my place at college.’

  ‘You do whatever makes you happy,’ Max said.

  ‘Really?’ Nathalie screeched. ‘Wow, thanks, Dad. I thought you’d totally freak out and give me a massive lecture about becoming a doctor like you!’

  ‘Nathalie,’ he said, looking suddenly serious, ‘I only want you to become a doctor if that’s what you truly want. And as for being like me? I think I’d rather become more like you. Stay the way you are, darling girl.’

  Nathalie stood and held her arms out to Max. They hugged for the longest time. After a while, Amber stood and joined in.

  ‘I agree with Dad,’ she said into Nathalie’s hair. ‘You just carry on being you, honey.’

  ‘Group hug,’ Nathalie said, lunging her head back to look at Clara. ‘Come on, Oma!’

  Before they had time to sit down again, Ava’s throaty laugh interrupted them from behind.

  ‘Is this a private party, or can two strays join in?’

  ‘Ava!’ Clara said, releasing herself from Nathalie’s arms. She stopped dead when she recognised the man beside her. ‘Well look who’s here,’ she said, smiling. ‘Hello, Sean. It’s good to see you, dear.’

  ‘Hi, Mrs C,’ he said sheepishly. He turned to Max. ‘Sorry I didn’t warn you I was coming. It’s all been a bit of a whirlwind.’

  ‘That’s cool, buddy. Ava gave me the heads-up on the quiet! Seeing as you’ve interrupted our group hug, which is all the rage in this hotel, you may as well join in!’

  To any of the other diners in the restaurant that night, it seemed like a perfectly fun and jovial scene. But all six of the people involved knew that what was taking place was of monumental importance.

  The past had finally been laid to rest. As a result, the future would be wide open for all of them to embrace together.

  Chapter 34

  As Amber stirred in his arms, Max sighed happily.

  ‘I hope you’re hungry,’ he said as she opened her eyes. ‘If I know Mama, she’s been up since dawn baking.’ It was their last day in Ireland, and Clara had invited them all over for breakfast.

  ‘It’s fine for Nathalie. She has the build of a greyhound, not to mention a metabolism that runs at a rate of knots. But I’m going to turn into a blob if I stay here much longer!’

  ‘Would you mind if I went on ahead?’ Max asked. ‘I’d love to have a few moments on my own with Mama.’

  ‘Of course. I’ll go shower and wash my hair and I’ll follow in a while.’

  Max dressed swiftly and made his way to Clara’s. Sure enough, she was in the kitchen putting the fresh muffins and pancakes she’d made on a plate.

  ‘Hello, dear,’ she said calmly.

  ‘I wanted to spend some quality time with you. Amber is on her way.’

  ‘How lovely,’ she said, leading the way to the dining room. ‘Coffee?’

  Max nodded, and watched in delight as she went through a routine he’d been so familiar with once upon a time. She took her tiny saucepan and filled it with milk. Whisking non-stop, she brought it to a quivering heat. Meanwhile, the cafetière she’d filled with ground beans was drawing.

  ‘That smells awesome,’ said Max.

  ‘Awesome.’ Clara smiled. ‘Nathalie
sounds just like you when she says that word.’

  Reaching for two mugs, she poured the coffee and topped it with the heated milk. Then without another word she opened the oven and removed two freshly baked pains au chocolat, arranged them in a pretty basket lined with a floral linen napkin and handed it to Max.

  That first sip of coffee along with the flaky, buttery pastry made his eyes roll.

  ‘It’s been a long time since I’ve tasted anything this good first thing in the morning,’ he said.

  ‘What would you have on an ordinary day? I need a little picture of you in my head. I’ve done nothing but wonder for so many years now.’

  ‘Coffee from a paper mug,’ he said.

  ‘With nothing to eat?’

  ‘No.’ He shrugged. ‘I’m usually at the hospital trying to get my head around the patient list.’

  ‘All the more reason to eat something,’ she said. ‘I couldn’t live without my home-made food. There are many awful things we cannot control in this life, but thankfully I’ve never been in a position where I can’t afford decent ingredients.’

  ‘I can afford them, I just don’t bother,’ Max said.

  Clara pondered. ‘Your Oma would be terribly cross if she heard you say that.’

  ‘I know,’ he said quietly, looking ashamed. ‘She had little or no food for so long. It’s a travesty to ignore nourishment, I guess.’

  Clara nodded.

  ‘Gus’s funeral was terribly sad,’ she said, quite out of the blue. ‘Though he managed to get some people into the church who’d vowed they’d never go there again,’ she chuckled. ‘Lots of our friends have turned away from organised religion since the dreadful stories of abuse emerged. But Gus wanted to be buried beside his parents, so it meant rolling with the Catholic Church.’

  ‘I’m so very sorry I wasn’t there,’ Max said, taking her hands.

  ‘So am I, dear,’ she said. ‘He never gave up hope that you’d come home some day. He told me a short time before he passed away that he would do his best to guide you back to me. I believed him.’ She looked up at Max with shiny eyes. ‘You know, I held on to that promise and tucked it away in a pocket of my heart and nurtured it. I knew that if I believed it strongly enough, my wish would eventually come true.’

  Max blinked. He wanted to say about a million things, but nothing came out.

  ‘I’m sorry I didn’t tell you about Jacob and Alina and Frank,’ he managed eventually.

  ‘I know you are,’ she smiled. ‘I’m a lucky person. Alina was an angel on earth. I can safely say I had two mamas growing up. Some children are neglected and treated with disdain. I had two couples who loved me totally.’

  ‘Anyone listening to that last sentence would be forgiven for thinking your life was a bed of roses,’ Max said.

  ‘I’ve had a good life, lovey,’ she said. ‘Parts of it were tough, but I’ve been blessed with people who’ve filled my heart.’ She pondered for a spell, lost in her own thoughts. ‘You know, it actually makes sense that poor Jacob was schizophrenic. He had an intensity that I’ve never seen in anyone else. I was so wrong to spend the night with him.’ She gazed at Max. ‘But I firmly believe things happen for a reason. If Jacob and I had never come together, you wouldn’t exist. That would be the biggest tragedy of all.’

  ‘Even though I’ve caused untold trouble?’

  ‘We all make mistakes, Max. But thank goodness we have enough time to mend the broken parts of our lives.’

  ‘Mama, do you forgive me for holding out on you?’

  ‘Yes, Liebling, I do,’ she sighed. ‘Do you forgive me for hiding your biological father’s identity?’

  He nodded and wrapped his arms around her.

  ‘Hey, I hate to break up the party,’ Nathalie said, bursting through the door. ‘But what kind of time do you call this?’ She tapped her watch. ‘It’s like totally crack of dawn!’

  ‘Good morning, Nathalie,’ Max said. ‘Nice hair! Did you spin on your head during your sleep?’

  Nathalie grinned. ‘You’re just used to seeing me looking perfect,’ she teased. ‘I could smell the chocolate and had to come see.’

  Mumbling through a mouthful of pain au chocolat, Nathalie scolded her father that he still hadn’t added his patch to her quilt. Max held his hands up in defeat and walked to the sewing room to complete his task.

  ‘Watch this,’ Clara said. ‘He’ll sew as accurately as the machine, but he’ll do it by hand.’

  ‘Dad!’ Nathalie said as he finished. ‘I can’t believe your work. If you ever get bored with sewing people, you could go into quilting!’

  ‘I’d say he makes far more money sewing people,’ Clara said with a wicked grin.

  Amber arrived next and was duly ushered into the sewing room.

  ‘Do your work first and then you can eat,’ Nathalie said bossily. ‘Time is running out. I know the way conversations go in this house. We’ll get into some crazy story from the past and it’ll be time for you guys to leave.’

  ‘Wow!’ Amber breathed. ‘I’ve never seen anything like it. I can’t believe you gals made this.’

  ‘Isn’t it beautiful?’ Nathalie said. Her smile faded as she realised that Mackenzie would never see it. Reading her mind, Clara hugged her.

  ‘Mackenzie can see it. I know she can.’

  ‘Thanks, Oma.’

  ‘Hello?’ Ava’s voice came from the hallway. ‘Where are you all?’

  ‘In here,’ Clara said. ‘Nathalie is being very bossy. You’ve to do your patch and then you’re allowed to have breakfast.’

  ‘I’ve done mine,’ Ava said, pulling something from her pocket. ‘I just need to attach it now.’ She crouched over the quilt and sewed it in place. ‘Ta-dah!’ she said with delight.

  ‘No way!’ Nathalie screamed. Ava had sewn a Chanel label to her black lacy patch.

  ‘This officially means you’ve designed a one-off Chanel piece, sweetie!’

  ‘I love it!’ Nathalie said, jiggling up and down laughing. ‘Where’s Uncle Sean?’ she asked suddenly. ‘Don’t tell me you’ve gotten rid of him already?’

  ‘Nah,’ Ava said nonchalantly. ‘He’s gone back to the States to pick up his stuff.’

  ‘What do you mean?’ Max asked, appearing with a mug of coffee from the kitchen.

  ‘We’ve talked so much over the last couple of days,’ Ava said. ‘We’ve wasted too much time and we’re not kids any more. He’s coming home and we’re going to give it a go together.’

  They all hugged her, but it was Clara who noticed the ring on Ava’s finger.

  ‘Are you two engaged again?’ she asked incredulously.

  ‘Please don’t tell me I’m being ridiculous, Mama,’ Ava begged. ‘I know this all seems unbelievably rushed, but I love him. I’ve never stopped loving him and I know it’s right.’

  ‘Hey,’ Clara said. ‘Who am I to tell anyone who to love? If you feel it in here,’ she patted her heart, ‘then I wish you the very best.’

  ‘Can I be bridesmaid?’ Nathalie said.

  ‘I’ll fully expect it,’ Ava said, hugging her. ‘Will you two come home for the wedding?’ she asked Max and Amber.

  ‘Of course,’ Amber said instantly. ‘Besides, we’ll want to see our daughter, so it’ll be a pleasure.’

  Once Max and Amber had departed for the airport and Nathalie had gone with Ava to start her apprenticeship at the shop, Clara sat at her desk to write.

  She hadn’t the energy to walk to Gus’s grave today. So she’d tell him her news in a way that had worked in her family for generations.

  My darling Gus

  Now that Nathalie has moved in, my days have become so much brighter. Our house is no longer quiet and lonesome. I still keep waiting for you to walk through the door, though. You are all that is missing now.

  I still put on my lipstick and dress as if you were with me, Gus. I believe that if God wanted us to look plain, he would never have invented Coco Chanel.

  I always knew there would
be a right time to tell my story. For so many years I held my silence. I didn’t think the details were required. In fact I knew they would’ve caused irreparable damage. Even though you knew it all, we never discussed it. Should we have been more open? Should we have harboured so much inside? Did it do us any service in the end? I’m not so sure now.

  When Max left and refused to have anything to do with us, it shook me to the core. I questioned my previously certain mind. You kept reminding me that he was entitled to be angry, and that he would return in his own good time. You were so certain that time would heal all the wounds. You were adamant that we should respect Max’s wishes and that some day he would be ready to forgive and forget.

  As your health faded, I wanted to jump on a plane and find him. But I knew it wasn’t what you wanted. I hoped with all my heart that a miracle would send him back, so he could say goodbye to the only man he’d ever called Dad.

  After you left this world, I wavered for the first time. I felt disillusioned and utterly bewildered. I didn’t think I had the energy to carry on.

  You and I know that the cancer diagnosis prompted me to write to Nathalie. Of course I didn’t tell her I was ill. I didn’t want to put pressure on her to visit because she felt sorry for me.

  I believe we are all put on this earth with a job to do. For some it’s to be a mother or father, a teacher or entrepreneur. I know I was meant to come to Ireland and leave a legacy of fresh minds and souls in my wake. As I sit here and ponder, I can see that I’ve also sent positivity to America.

  I am inexplicably proud of our children, Gus. Ava is stoic and belligerently strong, with a twist of creativity to soften her edges. I am certain she and Sean will be happy now. I could lament the fact that they have wasted so many years by being apart. But this isn’t the first time two sweethearts have been reunited after a long absence, and I doubt it will be the last.

  Max is a gentleman and a scholar. His wife is a dear and wonderful lady. She is sugar and spice and all things nice, with a little bit of steel thrown in for good measure. They are a wonderful couple and perfectly balanced.