The Daughter in Law

by Nina Manning

  I gave him an encouraging smile.

  ‘We make a good team, don’t we?’ he said with a half laugh.

  ‘I think so,’ I said, wishing I didn’t have to read between the lines I had known Ben for such a short amount of time. I knew it would a while to understand the way his behaviour could affect mine and how we could one day dance that seamless marital routine around one another to maintain harmony; meet each other’s needs without upsetting the natural balance of things. Right now, I was playing a delicate waiting game and I knew I would be for some time.

  ‘You off to work soon?’ Ben ran his hands through his hair and pushed one side behind his ears. I had noticed he was growing it even longer, probably to feel more like a rock star before he went off to record. I knew his question was rhetorical.

  ‘Yeah, but I’ve got time if… you know… you need to talk.’

  ‘You really should think about slowing down soon, Daisy. For the baby.’

  I felt the surge of heat rising through me. I took a deep breath. The baby.

  Then I waited for Ben to speak. I didn’t want to force him to speak. I had been there with those kinds of conversations. I knew what it felt like to be trapped in a room with two pairs of accusing eyes upon me, waiting for the answers that would never come; eventually dismissing me, making me leave the room so I was out of their sight, my guilt following behind me like a heavy cloak.

  I would have to let it come from him when he was ready. There was no hurry. We had all the time in the world. I knew the thoughts and secrets I harboured were packed so tightly away that they would not seep through my subconscious and disrupt our marriage. It was hard work, constantly analysing my own behaviour, but it was worth it.

  ‘I was just thinking, about stuff.’ Ben sniffed and rubbed his stubble with both hands

  ‘Uh huh.’

  ‘Like when you know something, but you can’t be sure? Is that what you women call intuition?’

  ‘Ha! Us women!’ I sneered. ‘Yeah, I guess it’s called intuition. It’s like a radar; a silent alarm that goes off in your body when you think something isn’t right; when danger is ahead.’ I grabbed his leg and pulled him in. ‘Or in our case, when something is very, very right.’

  ‘Yeah.’ He laughed. ‘We are a pretty good match.’

  ‘So, what’s your intuition telling you today?’ I tried to sound light without dismissing the importance.

  ‘Well, that’s just it.’ He placed his hands on my shoulders and gave them a light rub. ‘I just don’t know. I think I’m only just getting to grips with it, been reading a bit up on the internet – they also call it gut feeling, don’t they? Because we have a primal connection between our brain and our gut – they are connected by an extensive network of neurons and a highway of chemicals and hormones.’

  ‘Well, check you out, you’ve been doing your homework.’

  ‘You know I like to read stuff.’ Ben left my side and wandered over to the large window. The part of the flat I knew he adored – being able to have that light brought into this room was a blessing we both appreciated.

  ‘Yeah I do.’ I took the moment as Ben’s back was turned to steal a surreptitious glance at the time on my phone. I had to leave in five minutes. I think he knew that and he had chosen his timing carefully; slowly introducing the idea that he was mulling something over but knowing that we were short enough on time that he wouldn’t need to follow through if he didn’t want to. It would be parked, ready to take up again when he felt ready. Who knew when that would be?

  ‘I dunno.’ Ben suddenly appeared less wistful ‘I’ll read up a bit more about it. There’s so much to know, isn’t there, about the mind and the body. I don’t know how Eve does it, where she stores it?’ That was that then. Ben wasn’t going to divulge any more today. In a way I was partly relieved – who knew what was coming? But through the pangs of paranoia, I somehow knew it was Ben and not me that was trying to solve something. I had buried my demons, but as time passed and I got to witness more of Ben’s foibles, the more it became abundantly clear how he had not even come close to putting his to bed. In fact, his had yet to be discovered and I had a terrible sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach, the gut sensation Ben had only just mentioned – for I knew I had married for better or for worse and with Ben, I felt the worst was still yet to come.

  Annie

  I decided to start the spring cleaning early this year. What with Christmas over and done with, I might as well start looking forward to the warmer days.

  I began by clearing all the cupboards out in the kitchen. I made a right racket, but that was the great thing about living so far away from civilisation, I didn’t need to worry about the noise. I could have a huge party, host a festival on the beach, and no one would bat an eye lid. People didn’t care what went on here. I rarely had any contact with anyone. And I was glad of it. A remote setting was perfect for me. The less I saw of people, the better.

  To be as far away from people, that was one of the tasks I had set for myself and I had done it. I had also set out to have a real family of my own. One that produced real love every minute and every second of the day. Even though I was a single mum and we weren’t the family I had envisioned, I was still a mother. That was the most rewarding and special role any woman could ever hope to achieve in life. And I did it. I had to remind myself of that every day, to cover up all the other fears and frustrations. I had achieved what I had set out to do and succeeded.

  Ben wasn’t born here, we arrived soon after I realised the life I had been building with the man I thought I would spend the rest of my days with and I would raise my boy with, left me. Rory and I had originally lived together in a beautiful semi-detached house in a small village. But when he left, never knowing about Ben, I knew I could never raise my son there. Every crook and creak of that house bore a memory of Rory. And after he left me for good, I was practically walking around with my eyes shut and my hands firmly over my ears to avoid any reminders of him.

  I remember the last day I spent in that house. The day I packed everything up and walked away for the last time with my son in tow. I was scared out of my mind. My heart didn’t stop racing until I reached the beach house. For all the use my father was to me as a child, despite the lack of love he showed, when his useless cold heart packed up for good I inherited the beach house. I was under no illusions that it was an act of love, more practicality. There was no one else. Of course it would be handed down to me. It’s just the way things were done.

  I had loved Ben with such ferocity. I had mopped his brow and lain next to his bed through his high temperatures. But there was always the chance that one day he would leave me so callously, it was in his blood. He was his father’s son.

  As a child, Ben would ask the usual questions about life. Why is the sky blue? How do you get a rainbow? Can dogs laugh? He always accepted what was what. How I told him things. I enjoyed that power I had over him back then, the way he would hang on my every word. But as he grew, sentences like ‘because I said so’ were no longer accepted. He began to look at me differently. That look of determination grew stronger every day. I ached for the days of innocence where I could put my son to bed and know that he was going to sleep under the influence of whatever he had been told that day. Those days had slipped away too easily and the thing that was making me the angriest was that I hadn’t even realised the enormity of it, until now. It was as though it was all for nothing.

  It was Daisy’s influence that had thrust him even more towards the world around him; towards the places that I didn’t want him to go.

  Ben had become independent. I should have felt proud, but instead all I felt was a twisted bitter hatred at the world that he had been taken from me, when I was the one who put in all the work, amongst all the threat and uncertainty.

  I took myself off upstairs armed with window cleaner, kitchen roll and a feather duster. I began to work more furiously, the anger fuelled me, gave me the strength to reach high and bend low in
one flawless sequence.

  I found my way into Ben’s room, as I always did at least once a day; to look around at all of his things that I wanted to keep, that he hadn’t wanted to take with him. I was hurt to start with but now I was thankful that I could come and look at his certificates and remember all of his achievements, knowing I was partly responsible for him getting them. It brought me comfort during the times of the day when things were most difficult.

  I got down on my hands and knees with the long attachment on the hoover and was ready to give the edges around his bed a good seeing to, when I caught sight of them out of the corner of my eye. A little round pink crystal-encrusted frame around a tiny mirror; a keyring holding a collection of three different keys. They were right in the corner by the furthest leg of the bed. Glaringly obvious to me but Ben wouldn’t have seen them if his life had depended on it.

  There was no way my body would fit under the bed so I had to get up, pull the bed out and reach down to get them. I held them in my hand looking at the hippy mirror keyring. Just the kind of pointless tat that Daisy would have scattered around their flat, classed as what young women called knick-knacks these days.

  I held on to the keys and tightened my grip around them, feeling the cold sharp metal press into my skin; it felt strangely comforting.

  Things had been spiralling out of control but suddenly, with these small inanimate objects firmly within my palm, I began to think I had a solution to the problem. I had been putting it off for too long.

  I would love my son relentlessly until I drew my last breath. A relationship between a mother and son was a very special bond, but that bond was beginning to show signs of strain and I would do anything to keep it from breaking and to make sure nothing or anyone came between us.

  I knew there was more to Daisy than what she projected; I could see behind the veil and it was messy and ugly. Now all I needed to do was make sure Ben and I were back together. Our secret party of two. And when we were, I would make sure I never let anyone come between us again.

  Daisy

  ‘I can’t believe you’re leaving us, Ben,’ Eve said in a mock whine.

  ‘I’m sure you’ll be fine, Eve. A ballsy girl like you.’ Ben walked past Eve giving her a friendly slap on her arm as she sat in her red Chinese silk robe at the dining table. It was her day off and her intention, she had informed me that morning, was to stay skimpily dressed all day. I stood in the lounge, cradling my herbal tea, dressed in my workout gear, ready for a class in an hour. It was the 9th of January, and all of my gym classes were packed with fresh-faced clients on a New Year promise.

  I wanted to say goodbye to Ben first before he left for London where he was spending most of the week to go through all the formalities such as contracts for the album recording. It all sounded incredibly complicated so I put my faith in him that he knew what he was doing.

  I smiled at Ben as he approached me for a final embrace. He gave the baby bump his usual tender touch just before I slipped from his arms.

  ‘I’d make you some breakfast but it seems the cooker is playing up again.’ I put my mug on the coffee table and ran both my hands through Ben’s hair, and he responded like a dog being petted.

  ‘I’ll take a look before I go,’ he said. Eve gave a splutter and a cough.

  ‘You? Don’t be daft,’ she said placing her cup on the table.

  ‘No,’ Ben said firmly. ‘I will.’

  Eve and I looked at one another. Eve’s expression was of amusement whereas mine probably resembled a lovesick puppy, overwhelmed at Ben’s attempt at real domesticity.

  Five minutes later Ben emerged from behind the cooker. Eve and I stood leaning against the wall of the kitchen waiting with anticipation.

  ‘Nope. I mean, it’s pretty old.’ He stood up and brushed his jeans down.

  ‘Told you,’ Eve said and walked away.

  ‘Oh, never mind, honey. At least you tried. It takes practice at these things. My dad didn’t know anything about electrics and DIY stuff, but he just sort of learnt it along the way,’ I said wistfully. Those sort of core memories were the ones I remembered the most.

  ‘Well, he probably had a dad to learn from,’ Ben said with a sniff.

  ‘Well, perhaps. Anyway, cookers are tricky. Especially this ancient thing. We should leave it to the experts. I promise I will call the chap today. In the meantime, I don’t think any of us should use it. We still have the microwave.’ I put my arms around him, and thrust a thigh around his leg, pulling him in as close as I could with the bump between us. ‘I rather liked you on the floor then, all manly and stuff.’

  ‘Really? Is that what does it for you, cos I can do that a lot. Can’t say I’ll be able to fix anything,’ he laughed.

  ‘Do you need anything else before you go?’ I released him and patted his rear.

  ‘Nope. I should get going really. The meeting is at 2 p.m. Better give myself a few extra hours for rail problems and the walk from the station.’ I walked him to the door. ‘I’m sorry I won’t be here for your birthday next week. But I’ll be back two days after and I promise we’ll celebrate big time.’ Ben placed two holdalls next to the front door, took me in his arms and lifted my chin. ‘I love you. I’m doing this for us okay? Me, you and the baby.’

  ‘I know. And I appreciate it. I’m not saying it won’t be hard. But it will be worth it when we can afford to buy our own place.’

  ‘We’ll be fine.’ Ben kissed me again and then bent to pick his holdalls up. I opened the door for him.

  ‘I shan’t wave you off or I’ll cry.’

  ‘I’ll call you later.’ As Ben walked out of the door, I gave a small wave and closed it behind him.

  The days without Ben passed fairly rapidly as I was busy with work. Ben called me every morning and evening, sent photos and even asked for photos of the bump. I eventually sent him one to shut him up.

  Eve had been ill all week. One of her annual head colds. But at least it was a distraction from my nausea which, although it had subsided from all-day sickness, peaked during the morning and last thing at night. Eve moped about the flat with a box of tissues under her arm and I made her microwaved chicken broth and Lemsips. Soon enough Friday had arrived and despite her perpetual blocked nose and headache, she was unbelievably still badgering me about my birthday, which was three days away.

  ‘So what are we going to do? Ben is away. We should have a party. It’s Friday 13th! We should go out. You’re turning twenty-nine on Monday, Daze. This is epic.’ Eve was buzzing around me in the kitchen as I made lunch.

  ‘No, turning thirty is epic. Turning twenty-nine is pretty boring and not something I wish to think about. Ben isn’t here and I don’t fancy doing anything until he gets back.’

  ‘You’re really boring.’ Eve huffed, stuck out her bottom lip and blew her nose.

  I looked at her and let out a sigh. ‘Fine. We’ll eat supper. Early.’

  ‘Supper? I can’t smell or taste anything Daze.’

  If I was going to be dragged out on my birthday while pregnant, I wanted to eat delicious food first. ‘You’ll just have to watch me enjoying it.’

  Eve pulled her mouth down into her best sad expression.

  ‘Fine, I’ll get takeaway and then we’ll do that cocktail bar.’

  ‘Okay, do you think they do a honey, lemon and ginger cocktail? I can wear that new dress. This is so exciting. See, you haven’t abandoned me for married life.’ Eve danced around me.

  ‘I never had any intention of abandoning you, Eve. I’m still the same person. You’ll see when you and Patrick make it official.’

  ‘I’ll never marry Patrick.’ Eve stopped dancing and gave her nose a triumphant blow.

  I grimaced. ‘And does Patrick know this?’

  ‘Not yet.’

  ‘I thought you guys were like, solid. I presumed you’d be moving in with him, you know, when the baby comes. I know we’ve not discussed it, but…’

  ‘It’s fine, Daisy, of course I’m not
going to make you move. Of course my room will become the nursery. I’ve already started looking. I’ll make sure I’m gone in plenty of time for you to do all your nesting.’

  I hadn’t had any such instincts. I actually wanted Eve to stay, for everything to remain the same.

  ‘And well, me and Pat, we’re fine as far as two adults in a dating relationship go, but no. He’s not marriage material. I need someone who will sort me out, put me in my place a bit.’

  ‘And Patrick doesn’t do that?’ I was genuinely surprised.

  ‘No way! I enjoy the thrill of a relationship where I have the power. But I won’t want that forever, no way. I wouldn’t make a marriage out of that.’

  ‘Okaaaay.’ I nodded ‘That’s fine. It’s just news to me. I figured you and Patrick were, well, never mind. I know now.’

  ‘So, we’ll go out tonight?’ Eve was standing in front of me with her hands pressed together in a prayer fashion.

  ‘Yes, we’ll go out tonight.’

  ‘Yippee!’ Eve squealed and ran out of the room. I heard her head into her bedroom and leap onto the bed. Twenty minutes later she emerged dressed in a short, black, tight-fitted, long-sleeved dress. She stood in front of me and twirled around. I eyed her up and down and rested my gaze on her feet.

  ‘You’re wearing my shoes.’ I pointed down at the red shoes she was wearing, the ones I had in mind to complement my own outfit but doubted my poor swollen ankles could handle them.

  ‘I know. Don’t they look a-maaa-zing.’ Eve continued to twirl and I couldn’t help but smile.

  That evening we left the flat, Eve dressed in my red high heels and her little black dress, me in a more sensible floaty number and flats. Aside from the fact I was exhausted, I had that fuzzy feeling in my stomach that something was brewing and it could turn in to a very interesting night.