The Best Friend Problem

by Mariah Ankenman

  “Finn, you’ve never had a long-term relationship.”

  “What do you call us?”

  “I meant a romantic one.” Friendships didn’t count. “Look, we’ve only been sleeping together for a few months, and we both know it’s just a fling.”

  He arched a brow. “We do?”

  Stuffing her head into her oversize sweater, she righted the garment before turning. “That’s what we agreed to.”

  “No.”

  He stalked toward her, lifting a hand and cupping her face in a gentle move, contrary to the tense emotions vibrating off him. “We agreed to be together until the itch was satisfied, and I don’t think that’s ever going to happen, Precious. Why do you think I’ve never managed to hold onto a woman for long and you’ve dumped every loser you’ve gone out with?”

  “Hey! Not every guy I’ve dated has been a loser.” And technically Terrence dumped her. But it wasn’t like she went chasing after him, so what did that say about her true feelings for her jerk ex?

  He pressed closer. “Really? Then why aren’t you still with any of them?”

  She tried to come up with an answer, but it was difficult to think when he was standing so close. She could feel the heat of his body pressed up against hers. Lately, her breasts were so sensitive, all it took was a glance from Finn to get her raring to go. So weird. Here they were, having an argument in an urgent care exam room after a scare that knocked ten years off her life, and she was turned on.

  Baby hormones.

  She was going to blame it on the baby hormones. But that excuse could only stretch so far, and it sounded weaker and weaker each time she used it.

  “Wanna know what I think?”

  Not really, since she suspected it might be too close to the truth and she really couldn’t handle that right now. But Prudence Carlson had never been a coward, so she raised her chin and stared directly into those stubborn, beautiful eyes.

  The left side of his mouth curled up at her bravado.

  “I think the reason I don’t make it past a first date, and you check every single man you’ve dated against an impossible list of standards, isn’t because my job is too dangerous for a family, or because you need that perfect nine-to-five, white picket fence fantasy. It’s because we both know no one is right for us.”

  She sucked in a harsh breath at his bleak and accurate words.

  “Because we’re perfect for each other.”

  Say what now?

  His right hand still cupped her face, the left coming up to grasp her hip in a protective hold.

  “We’ve been best friends forever, but there’s always been a spark of attraction. Don’t deny it.”

  “I’m not denying the physical attraction between us.”

  They’d been sleeping together for months, and she still got turned on any time he so much as smiled at her. It’d be pretty stupid of her to deny the spark. Didn’t mean they were in love with each other. Lust did not equal love.

  “I think that neither of us has taken the chance to see if we could be something more because we’ve both been too scared. Scared of losing what we had, losing our friendship if we took it to the next level and it didn’t work out. But it did work, Pru. It is working. And it’s not a temporary thing or some silly itch I feel for you. I love you.” He pressed his forehead against hers. “I know my job can be terrifying, but life is terrifying. There are no guarantees for anyone. I can’t keep using it as an excuse not to go after what I want, who I want. And I want you, Pru. And the babies. Maybe the timing was never right, or we had to grow up a little, but we crossed that line, and I don’t want to go back.”

  Sure, he said that now, but what about a few months down the road when they had two screaming babies at home needing feedings and diaper changes and constant care? She’d planned for it, but Finn hadn’t. He would miss his single life. The freedom of it.

  He’d never abandon her. She knew that, because he was a good person and never backed down on a commitment. But she didn’t want to be his commitment. She didn’t want to risk him staying then resenting her for the situation he found himself in.

  “You don’t want this.”

  The hand on her hip tensed. “Don’t tell me what I want. I want you. I want to wake up by your side and fall asleep with you in my arms.” He kissed the tip of her nose. “I want to see your lists and charts spread all over the kitchen table and argue with you about whether our favorite holiday drink is pronounced wass-ale or wass-el.”

  The small laugh that left her lips sounded suspiciously like a sob. “It’s wass-ale.”

  “Wass-el.” He grinned, tipping his head to brush a soft kiss against her lips. “I want to wake up to screaming babies at two in the morning and change smelly diapers and worry about how we’re going to afford the kids’ college when we still have our own student loan debt. I want it all, Pru. Because when you love someone you don’t just want the fun times. You want everything. The good and the bad.”

  She wanted to believe him, so badly. But he’d sprung this on her, and she didn’t know what she was feeling, what she was thinking. Sure, she’d admit to some starry-eyed fantasies lately about the possibility of something more, but she had no idea if they were something she really wanted or just a symptom of pregnancy. This was all so complicated.

  “Finn, I…”

  He pulled her into him, hands going around her back. She wrapped her arms around him, taking strength from his hug even as her mind screamed in terror at the decision she had to make. Take a chance on love and possibly lose her best friend, or try to push things back to the way they were and always wonder what could have been?

  “This is ridiculous. We shouldn’t make important decisions during such an emotional time.”

  His body tensed against hers. A small whimper escaped as he pulled away, his warmth and comfort leaving her feeling cold, worried. Pale blue eyes, filled with pain and sadness, stared at her.

  His jaw clenched as he shook his head. “You can’t ration out feelings, Pru. It doesn’t work like that.” He ran a hand over his head, blowing out a frustrated breath. “I think the real problem here is that you’re afraid.”

  Duh! She was going to be a mom. Every new parent was afraid. It was written in the parent handbook.

  “You’re afraid of love.”

  What? All she wanted in life was someone to love. It was the exact reason she’d started this journey into motherhood in the first place. She shook her head, denying his words and the tiny spark of fearful truth they ignited deep in her soul.

  He ignored her protest and pushed on. “You take care of everyone—your roommates, me, Bruiser. You give all your heart and love to everyone, but you are so damn afraid to take any love for yourself. And I don’t get it.” He took a step, cupping her face in his hands, staring deeply into her eyes. “You, more than anyone I know, are so deserving of love, Prudence. But you’re also so afraid to take it when it’s offered. And I can’t force you to take mine. Even if I rip my damn heart out and offer it to you.”

  With a sad sigh that pierced her chest like a physical blow, he dropped his hands and turned toward the door.

  “Finn?”

  He paused, his back to her. She cleared her throat, trying to keep her wobbly voice steady as tears gathered in her eyes. She wanted to crest this mountain of fear. To tell him she loved him, to forget all her anxiety and rationality and agree to spend the rest of her life loving him, but she didn’t know how. How did one overcome a lifetime of loss and insecurity? How did people allow themselves to be loved?

  “Are…are we…?”

  His head turned, face glancing at her over his shoulder. A hopeful light brightening his eyes.

  “You’re still my friend, right?”

  The hopeful light died, the brilliant blue fading to a dark, miserable gray.

  “I promised to be your friend, and I will. No matter what happens. You have my friendship forever.” He turned away from her again, the soft, defeated words leaving hi
s lips as he opened the door. “But I…I can’t do us anymore, Pru. Not when you won’t admit what we really are. It hurts too damn much.”

  Pru sucked in a sharp breath at his words as he headed out of the room. She felt like all the air had been pulled from her lungs. Pain that had nothing to do with any physical ailment assaulted her. She could feel Finn’s misery as surely as if it were her own. And maybe it was. She was such an emotional mess right now that she didn’t know what to think.

  Knowing the urgent care was busy and they’d already stayed too long in the exam room, Pru waited thirty seconds then followed Finn out. Thankfully, he was gone by the time she entered the waiting area. Lilly and Mo sat in the small room, speaking in hushed whispers. At her arrival, they both immediately rose and rushed to her side.

  “Sweetie, is everything okay?” Lilly asked, eyes full of concern.

  Mo’s hand went to her stomach. “Are the babies—”

  “The babies are fine.” She tried to dredge up a smile for her friends but found she had none. “Everything is fine.”

  Lilly used one finger to push her glasses up her nose. “Really? Then why did Finn just walk out of here like a kid who’s been told Santa doesn’t exist?”

  Something warm and wet rolled down her cheeks. Mo grabbed a tissue from her purse, dabbing at Pru’s eyes.

  “Oh, honey. What is it?”

  “Finn loves me.”

  Her roommates glanced at her as if she were growing two heads instead of two babies.

  Lilly patted her hand. “Of course he does.”

  “You knew?”

  Mo snorted. “Everyone knows. Anyone who’s spent more than two minutes in your presence can see that man is head over heels for you. Always has been.”

  What the hell?

  “B-b-but he goes on so many dates!”

  Mo snorted. “Denial ain’t just a river in Egypt.”

  “Come on.” Lilly wrapped an arm around her shoulders, leading her toward the front doors. “I feel like this is a discussion better had at home.”

  But they didn’t finish the conversation at home. Because Pru went directly to her room and stayed there the entire night, curled up on her bed, rubbing her stomach and second-guessing every word she’d uttered in that exam room.

  …

  Over the next few days, she went over what Finn said to her about a million times in her head. What had he meant by they were still friends but not an “us”? She wanted to ask him to clarify, but he hadn’t called or texted. She hadn’t heard one word from him since he left the urgent care.

  She hadn’t tried to contact him, either. She’d thought about it a dozen times every hour, even composed a few texts, but she didn’t have the guts to send them. For the first time in all their years of friendship, he wanted something from her she didn’t think she could give him. Every time she imagined what it would be like to share her life fully with Finn, fear reached up and choked her.

  On Thursday, three days after the urgent care visit, she came home from putting flowers on her parents’ and Aunt Rose’s graves, a visit she made monthly. But this time she felt different as she stared at the dark gray slabs etched with the names and dates of the people she’d loved and lost.

  Losing them had torn a hole in her, shaped her entire life, but so had their love. Did the pain of their loss negate the years of love she still held in her heart for them? Was Finn right? Was she just letting the fear of loss cloud her mind to what she truly felt deep in her heart?

  All this emotional upheaval was exhausting.

  She needed a nap.

  Unfortunately, the moment she stepped into her apartment, she saw Lilly and Mo standing in the living room, staring at her, their body language tense. Her nap would have to wait.

  “Hey, guys.” She shifted nervously at the serious expression on both of her roommates’ faces. “What’s going on?”

  “What’s going on,” Mo said, “is an intervention.”

  Lilly sighed. “It’s not an intervention, Moira. It’s a conversation.”

  “This is a safe space,” Mo continued dramatically, opening her arms, a wobbly smile on her face. “We’re concerned about you.”

  “She’s right on that point,” Lilly agreed.

  Pru tried to smile, but it fell flat. “I’m fine.”

  Her friends shared a look. Mo came over to her, gently grabbing her arm and leading her to the sofa, where the three women sat.

  “You’re not fine. You’ve been mopey all week.”

  “I have not been mopey!” Sad, confused, scared? Yes. But not mopey.

  “Just tell us what’s wrong, sweetie.” Lilly patted her hand.

  The storm of emotions she’d been holding inside for the past few days broke like a dam. Her friends’ concern tore down that last bit of resistance she’d been holding onto. Releasing a deep breath, she told them everything Finn had said to her that night at urgent care.

  “Sounds about right,” Lilly stated, when she finished.

  “Yup,” Mo agreed.

  What? They could not be serious!

  “Are you two kidding? You think Finn and I have been in love with each other for years but have been too scared to do anything about it?”

  Mo held up her hands in surrender. “I didn’t say it. You did.”

  She’d done no such thing.

  Okay, she had, but only because they inferred it.

  “Sweetie,” Lilly grasped her hand. “Isn’t it possible that the measuring stick you hold other men to is impossible to achieve because deep down you’re judging them against Finn and no man can measure up to him?”

  “Finn’s not perfect. He has flaws.”

  Lilly nodded. “Tons of them, I’m sure.”

  He did. He was a cover hog. He always threw his damp towels on the floor instead of hanging them up. He liked coconut milk. What perfect person liked coconut milk?

  “We’re not saying he’s perfect,” Mo grabbed her other hand. “We’re saying he’s perfect for you. You two fit together. You’re soulmates. Perfect matches. Happily-ever-afters. He’s your one, Pru and you’re his.”

  “But his job,” she protested.

  “It’s dangerous,” Lilly nodded in agreement. “But no one is promised tomorrow.”

  “Yeah.” Mo patted her hand. “I read about some guy who choked on a hot dog and died just last week so unless you plan on consuming all your food in liquid form, you could die just as easily as Finn.”

  Lilly gasped, “Moira!”

  “What? All I’m saying is death can happen to anyone at any time and using a dude’s job as an excuse not to go for true love is only something only a dummy would do.” Pale brown eyes stared at her. “And Pru is no dummy, right?”

  Of course she wasn’t a dummy. She was terrified. Terrified of admitting what she truly felt because opening herself up like that meant opening herself up to the possibility of loss and pain. She’d already had so much loss in her life. Could she risk more?

  Risk aversion. Playing it safe. Practical. Practical Pru.

  Oh no.

  Drawing strength from the two intuitive women holding her together right now, she gasped. It was pointless to deny the truth any longer. Silent or screamed, it still existed, and pretending it didn’t wouldn’t change the fact.

  “Oh my God! I love Finn!”

  “There ya go,” Mo grinned. “Sometimes ya have to hit them over the head with it.”

  “But…I…” Her head swiveled from one friend to the other. “What do I do? What if we do this and things don’t work out?”

  Lilly smiled, pushing her glasses up her nose as they slipped down. “You have to decide if you’re willing to take a risk that things might work out and whether you can accept any fallout if they don’t. Life doesn’t give us a guarantee. Not in anything.”

  “Isn’t a chance at happiness, a chance at true love, worth it?”

  Mo had stars in her eyes, but for the first time in all their years of friendship, Pru wanted t
o believe in those stars, too. She wanted to take the risk, leave her charts and lists behind, and see if that tiny spark deep inside her heart would grow into something bigger if she recognized it and let it out.

  “I—” Two strong pops of gas flopped in her belly. Only they weren’t gas. They were… Oh my God! They were kicks! “Oh!”

  Pulling her hands away, she placed both on her belly and waited.

  “Pru, what are you—”

  “Shhhh!”

  She shushed Mo, waiting, silent, hoping…there! It happened. A small kick followed by another. Her babies. They were in there. Growing, healthy, filling her heart with so much love she could barely contain it. Tears ran a warm path down her cheek, but this time they were happy tears. She loved her babies, and she loved their father. Had for years, probably, but she’d been too stubborn to see it. Too scared.

  She wasn’t afraid anymore.

  Liar.

  Okay, she was terrified, but love was more powerful than fear. She knew there were risks, life was a big ol’ ball of risk, but what kind of life would she have if she never went for what she truly wanted? What kind of example would she set for her babies if she didn’t try to gain her heart’s desire? They were her first step toward finding her true happiness, and their father was now her second.

  But she’d hurt her best friend.

  Badly.

  She hadn’t believed in them, in him. And he said they couldn’t be an “us” anymore. Had she ruined her chances with Finn, or would he be willing to give her a second chance?

  She would have to grovel, prove his words got through to her and that she could conquer her fear, allowing them to be together. And she had to do it in a way that he knew she was serious.

  “Mo…” She turned to her roommate, a huge grin widening her lips. “Get me some paper. I need to write up a plan.”

  “I’d go for the running dramatically to his side and declaring my love in the pouring rain, but since it’s not raining and it’s you, I’d say a precise plan is the perfect way to go.”