Occupied

by Janet Preece

‘Sarah, come over here! Let me introduce my friend, Julie,’ Rachel shouted over, managing to sound dominant yet welcoming.

  Sarah lifted her head casually, flicked her hair in slow motion, mumbled to the ladies in her group and made her way over, perching on the edge of the grand piano stool opposite them. Her stance was non-committal, like she was only humouring Rachel to find out if she was worth joining for the conversation – leaving her options open to return to the vacuous beauties she was with before.

  ‘Hello. I don’t believe we’ve had the pleasure.’ Sarah held out a hand at an angle Julie knew would make for the most pathetic handshake. Still, it beat air-kissing.

  ‘Hi! Rachel said you have a life coach?’ Julie blurted, not knowing how to broach the subject. She was out of touch with people – and life, it felt in that moment.

  Sarah flushed a little but regained her balance and responded. ‘Yes, her name is Kate. I think she’s going to be here later tonight, if you’d like me to make introductions?’

  ‘Oh, no, thank you!’ Julie replied defensively, cursing Rachel for interfering and putting her on the spot.

  Sarah raised a single hairless eyebrow, waiting for Julie to elaborate.

  ‘I was just curious to know what she did for you. How does it all work – if you don’t mind me asking?’

  ‘Actually, I would prefer not to say. It’s a journey of personal discovery. If you’re interested, here’s her card.’ Sarah reached into her purse with perfectly manicured hands and pulled out a plastic card. It was clear, clean, logo-free and simply read ‘K’ with a number to call.

  ‘Thanks,’ Julie said as Sarah floated away, back to her entourage.

  ‘So, what do you think?’ Rachel asked. ‘Worth giving her a call?’

  She nodded, feeling foolish but wanting to please her friend.

  Rachel leaned forward and snatched the card from her hand, then started to dial the number. ‘No time like the present!’ she sang.

  Julie’s stomach lurched. ‘No, seriously, let me think about it for a while!’

  Rachel ignored Julie’s words, smiling into the phone as she began to speak in her business voice. ‘Hello? I’m phoning on behalf of a friend. I’m her PA.’ She paused and winked over at Julie before continuing. ‘Yes, that would be fabulous. I’d like to book her in for a counselling session…. Oh, yes, coaching session, that’s what I meant. Friday at ten? Yes, that sounds perfect. Her name is Julie Summers.’ Rachel went on to give Julie’s contact details and then hung up with a big grin and a thumbs-up.

  ‘You shouldn’t have done that. I had the card and would have arranged something in my own time.’ Julie looked around the room, wondering which one was Kate – if she had arrived, or if that was just a lie concocted by Sarah to escape the awkward conversation. Why would she even be at the book club?

  ‘Well, yes, but that’s the problem,’ Rachel said. ‘Nothing will get done in your own time. Nothing for you, that is. You think of other people before yourself. That’s one of the reasons you need a life coach! Just think of tonight – you even tried to get out of coming here! You need to get over your anxieties, tackle your fears head-on and grab the life you want with both hands.’

  Their conversation was interrupted as the room started to fill with other book club beauties, most of whom, Julie noted, did not sit down in their fancy dresses. If she was wearing an outfit like Laura’s, she wouldn’t be able to bend at the middle either!

  ‘Sorry, Rachel, that’s my cue to leave. I didn’t get time to read the book.’

  ‘Don’t worry about it.’ Her friend reached forward and squeezed her hand, preventing Julie from standing up. ‘Neither did I! Just relax and enjoy the party – we can blag it. Why don’t you have a proper drink for a change? Leave the car and taxi back?’

  ‘I really can’t. Sorry. Next time? Dan will be waiting up, worrying.’ Julie knew the reality of this was unlikely. It was eleven p.m. and a school night. She expected he would be oblivious to the time and likely still playing computer games with the kids, bedtime not having been factored into his night at all. ‘I really have to shoot, but it’s been lovely,’ Julie said as she started to walk away towards the host. ‘Laura, thanks so much for everything. Sorry, I have to go off early.’

  Laura smiled and leaned her cheek forward. ‘My pleasure,’ she purred, then addressed the room. ‘So, ladies, shall we start?’

  Julie felt she wouldn’t be missed.

  ◆ ◆ ◆

  As she exited the house, she should have been prepared, should have known it would be dark and oh so quiet after leaving the bright lights and sparkle of the party. The door slammed behind her, making her jump, and she stood alone in the street outside. Pitch-black. What had happened to the streetlights in these fancy areas?

  Her ears rang through the silence as she started to walk towards her car, the only other sound her heels clicking on the empty pavement. She crouched down quickly to remove them, making a run for it with her heels firmly in her right hand, keys in the left – ready to defend herself against any potential assailant. There would be no Cinderella moment for her; she gripped the shoes so tight, her knuckles cramped around the would-be weapons. She could hear own panting.

  Save some energy in reserve, just in case, she told herself. In case you’re being followed.

  Julie looked around in the dark, her eyes struggling to focus as she jogged past each tree on the street. So many huge branches, areas of shadow…places to hide. Why would people choose to live in a place like this? Apart from the isolation, weren’t they concerned about tree roots reaching underneath their houses and disturbing their homes, their palaces? The very foundations of their lives?

  Just a few more steps. She tried to ready her car keys while juggling her shoes, failing and dropping the lot onto the floor. Fortunately, it just missed the drain. Another horror: Pennywise staring back at her, waiting to pull her into the depths of depravity – down through the drain, into the world that lay beyond the shadows. She crouched quickly, shivering as she scooped up her belongings, willing her body to move in the right direction.

  Out of breath and chest wheezing, Julie finally reached her car, unlocked it, jumped in and slammed the lock button down. She was in. Safe. Just to be sure, she checked the back seats to see if anyone was hiding there. Nope, empty. She breathed a sigh of relief. But what if someone was there, and she had locked them in with her? Stupid! She couldn’t calm her nerves at the thought of it and dropped her keys down the crack between the chair and the handbrake.

  ‘Seriously?’ Julie shouted, rummaging around in the dark since the light had switched itself off.

  A tapping noise. She willed herself to look up, expecting nothing but her imagination, a leaf on the windscreen perhaps – but on seeing a figure at the window, she screamed.

  Her breath caught in the back of her throat as the person tugged the door handle, but she had already locked it. A face slowly came into focus: Rachel. Julie exhaled and tried to steady her nerves as she faffed about with the window button, which wouldn’t open as she couldn’t locate the key.

  Was Rachel smiling? Laughing at her?

  ‘One minute!’ she shouted, wedging her hand sideways into the crack and wiggling the keys forward, trying a pincer movement to shift it. Finally, she sighed and put the key in the engine to release the windows.

  ‘You left in such a hurry, you forgot the therapist’s card. Don’t forget – next Friday, ten a.m.!’ Rachel said with a grin. ‘Chill out, Julie. You look like you’ve seen a ghost!’

  ‘Sure, I’ll be there,’ Julie stammered, agitated, keen to close the window and be on her way.

  ‘Lovely seeing you. Don’t be a stranger!’ were Rachel’s parting words as she skipped off into the dark without a care.

  Oh, to be so comfortable, so brave, so free, Julie thought as she drove off in the other direction.

 
On her return to the house, Dan was asleep. Julie glanced under the kids’ doors to see if there was a halo of light emitting from any of them, but they were all in the dark. She snuck into the bathroom, turned the light on and started to remove her makeup. Why, when I wash my face, does water always spray onto the mirror? Who thought it would be a good idea to put it there as a splashback in the first place? Julie wished she could just rip it from the wall and get rid – then she wouldn’t have to bother cleaning it every time anyone used the sink. More importantly, she wouldn’t have to fear reflections from the afterlife peering back at her.

  Why was it okay for children to sleep with the light on, yet when you became an adult, everything had to be dark? Adulthood was dark, never mind parenting – that was a total abyss.

  She snuck into bed and held her torch light over Dan, checking it was him before she could switch off for the night. She had been surprised, on returning to the house, to find it all silent, him already in bed. She hoped his night had been uneventful and the kids hadn’t driven him crazy. That would reflect negatively on her chances of having future nights out. She tried to snuggle up close to him, steal some of his heat without disturbing him. She couldn’t face the questions.

  Dan didn’t like her mixing with the book club ladies. She wondered why. Did he think she would be jealous of all their glitz and glamour? Career girls, with families and fancy lifestyles, who seemingly had it all and looked fantastic at the same time. Was he angry at her, that she wasn’t like them? She thought of Sarah, her taught cheekbones and flawless skin, her pert lips and smoky bedroom-eye makeup. That would never be Julie.

  Maybe she was jealous. Just a tad. Sarah was very secretive, reserved and held back in her body language, and she certainly hadn’t wanted to share her life-coach experience. How had it helped her? Julie didn’t know Sarah, but from first appearances she seemed more than satisfied with her perfect life. She promised herself she would attend the appointment Rachel had booked for Friday with the mysterious ‘K’ – whatever it took to get there.

  Chapter Seven

  Monday morning came and went. The most relaxing part of a parent’s week; the calm after the storm that was the weekend. Julie hoped Friday would hurry up so she could meet up with Kate and get it over with. She was anxious and dreaded the idea of laying herself bare, not knowing what to expect or how much she would have to divulge. She had picked up her phone on Monday morning with the intention of cancelling, her confidence forgotten, only to find a motivational quote forwarded by Rachel with a thumbs-up emoji: To your new life and all the opportunities ahead! Rachel, kiss kiss.

  She had obviously dictated it to her phone, or had Rachel purposely written ‘kiss kiss’ instead of putting ‘xx?’ Julie felt out of touch with her friends and out of touch with society. Everything was changing so quickly, while she sat at home juggling the mundane day-to-day of family life.

  There must be more to life than this, she thought as she picked up yet another dirty sock ball from the living room floor. She was stuck in a rut, too much responsibility without the reward, and responsibility for what? Cleaning, cooking, ironing? Just to have it all wrecked within seconds of the family re-entering the house. I will not cry over a sock. I refuse to cry over a stupid sock, Julie thought, trying to blink back the tears unsuccessfully. Nobody was home, nobody would see, as Julie gave up the fight, instead wallowing in self-pity, letting her tears stream down her cheeks. The life coaching session was long overdue and couldn’t come soon enough.

  ◆ ◆ ◆

  And then, it was Friday. She hadn’t told Dan since she already knew his view on self-help ‘nonsense’. Instead, she’d siphoned off money from the week’s food allowance to pay for the session and felt relieved nobody had noticed the more frugal menu that week.

  Picking out a red top (red meant power, according to Rachel), she tried to squeeze herself inside, thinking back to her pre-children days, power-dressing for her job as a journalist in London. She had wanted to progress up the ranks but never quite made it, getting pregnant each time she was put up for promotion and eventually handing in her notice when the sums didn’t add up. Wages, minus childcare, equals debt.

  The mirror looked back at her, surely a lie? There was no way she could leave the house dressed like that, the flesh protruding like a risen loaf of bread, white and soft and ready for the oven. Don’t cry. What goes on must come off. The struggle was real but eventually the top was discarded, the only red she’d be wearing were the scars where the arm holes had attempted to stop her circulation. Back to the grey of my life.

  It’s now or never, Julie, she told herself, reaching for a summer scarf to wrap around the wrinkled lines that decorated her neck in the absence of a functioning necklace. Meeting with Kate was supposed to be a positive enlightening experience, but it felt more like an interview. Even though she knew full well it wasn’t a test, Julie felt the need to impress. She wanted to persuade Kate she was capable of achieving greatness, whatever that happened to be.

  As she walked timidly into the office, Julie wondered how she should address her teacher/interviewer/doctor. By her first name? Or was it more of a formal environment?

  ‘Come in, sit down,’ Kate said, all smiles. Julie would have liked to believe her positive attitude, but suspected it was all part of an act, a persona she had created for the job.

  Julie couldn’t see anywhere comfortable to sit, only a bright yellow chaise lounge with over-plumped pillows. She glanced up and saw Kate checking the clock – very unprofessional, in her opinion. Perching on the edge of the seat, Julie waited uneasily, letting out a little snort of laughter as she compared herself to Sarah. Had she been nervous at the book club? Maybe Julie had misjudged her?

  ‘So, Julie, welcome. Make yourself at home and relax. This is a very informal setting, and our aim is to explore the life possibilities and choices you would like to make. Really, it’s just a chat. Treat me as a sounding board to really think through what you would like to change in your life and how you could get the most satisfaction out of your current situation. So, if you’d like to start by telling me a bit about yourself.’

  Julie looked at the floor. She didn’t want to make eye contact; she didn’t want to share at all. She felt naked, exposed. Breathe, don’t panic.

  ‘Don’t worry, there is no judgement here, Julie, only your own. There are no right or wrong answers. Please, go ahead.’

  Julie started timidly. ‘Well, I’m married and have three children, all boys – so we have a smelly house!’ She did a little fake laugh and looked up to Kate’s nod of encouragement. ‘I’m a stay-at-home mum, so I don’t really do anything, but at the same time, I seem to be doing everything. I never have time for myself, and I’m tired all the time.’

  ‘Well, let’s try to work out a way you can set and achieve your goals and fit them into your lifestyle while still keeping up with the family demands. What would you do if you knew you couldn’t fail?’

  Julie looked down again and shook her head. ‘I just don’t know. I always wanted to be a writer, but I can’t see how I might do that. But if I couldn’t fail, that’s what I would do.’

  ‘Brilliant! That’s a great start and very doable. We’ll come back to it in our goal-setting a bit later. I’d like you to also think about a couple of other things. Can you describe your life in six months if you had a magic wand?’

  Feeling a bit braver, as she noticed Kate’s less-than-perfect foundation lines where her face and neck joined, Julie began again a little more confidently. This is like telling Tommy a bedtime story, she thought.

  ‘Okay, so, to start with, I’d have loads of money to play with from my successful career as a writer, and lots of me-time to spare. Dan and I would have more holidays together. Happy, carefree times, where we could switch off all the stress and demands in our lives and just smile. We haven’t been getting on great for a while now, and I think it’s because we don’t
spend any time together just being husband and wife.’

  Julie looked up at Kate, wondering if she had another question, but was greeted with silent concentration. She wasn’t looking at her. She hoped Kate was at least taking mental notes, so she would get her money’s worth.

  ‘I’m always the mother, organising, encouraging, disciplining, running here, there and everywhere and trying to be there for the kids when they have a problem. I feel like all my love is already given out, and I’m just not in the right mindset to be a wife. I’m a mother. I can’t switch between the two. If I had a magic wand, I’d design that switch. Oh, and while I was at it, I’d make a switch to kill all the electronics, one that would immediately pause the kids’ games whenever I spoke, so I wouldn’t have to repeat myself or watch my words fall on deaf ears. I think if they knew their games would stop after every word, they’d be more inclined to listen and take it in the first time. It would change the humanity of teenagers. The relief, eliminating so many unnecessary arguments.’

  She felt happy, warm and comforted, for a moment believing that alternative reality actually existed; but what was the point in dreaming the impossible?

  ‘And what about for you, Julie? Leaving your family to one side, what would you, personally, like from your magic wand?’

  Quick, think of something, anything. Just got to get through these questions. What does she want to hear?

  ‘I’d like more me-time’, Julie explained, watching for Kate’s response and feeling relieved that she received another nod of encouragement. ‘I love watching movies, so maybe I’d go to the cinema more? Exercise and lose weight but without having to stop eating all the bad food I love. I’d spend more time with friends, have a job that made me feel I was worth something more than being a slave to my family.’ She paused, wondering how much to share, then continued. ‘I’d feel more confident and less anxious all the time. I live in constant fear, and I don’t want to pass that on to my boys.’