Occupied

by Janet Preece

‘Let’s discuss some life hacks. You need to make plans so there’s clear time set aside for you every day. Maybe start while the kids are at school. That way, there are less distractions vying for your attention. If you want to include exercise, try chatting to some of your friends or speak to the mums after school drop-off, try to incorporate a short walk around the block before you all set off home. You’ll avoid the school-run traffic and you’ll likely still get home at the same time. I call it “Walk and Talk Therapy.”’

  Julie smiled politely back at the woman.

  ‘Can you think of any other parents you could approach to do this with? Or any friends that might work shifts who could meet you for a quick stroll? The most important thing is to do it while you’re already out. Much easier to be motivated when you’re not cosy at home with a million jobs staring back at you! Don’t go home and think you’ll arrange it once you’re back because chances are, you won’t. A good friend of mine used to have a great saying: When you’re out, you’re out! I think it’s a great rule to remember in so many situations.’

  ‘Sounds great.’ Julie nodded.

  ‘Moving on to your free time… Maybe try and structure your day. List the essential things that have to be done. Lists are great! Enjoy ticking off each thing as you achieve it. I’m assuming every day, you need to tidy or clean the house, buy and prepare dinner and get through a fair bit of washing, so write yourself a timetable for the week. Rome wasn’t built in a day, but some of it was. So, a weekly timetable – pencil in walks, meetings with friends, a cinema trip, date night and, of course, household chores if you need to. That would be a great place to start.’

  Julie knew all this, but it was nice to hear someone else say it. ‘I think the problem isn’t that I don’t have the time, it’s more that my focus has always been on the family. It’s family first for everything, but I do think, now they’re getting older, maybe I could sneak in a little bit of me-time, then get the chores done when they’re home from school. Maybe they might even offer to help if they see me doing them.’ Julie felt excited at the thought of her new life. ‘Maybe I could start writing film reviews at the cinema?’

  ‘That’s a great idea! It’s good to hear you setting positive goals and thinking through how you can find ways to incorporate them into your life. Try to apply this to your time with your husband too. It helps to set a date night that’s all about you two. You don’t necessarily have to go out anywhere if you don’t have a budget, just think about what you enjoy doing together and try to plan one night a week you can go back to that.’

  The session went on, Kate offering up lots of positive ideas for Julie to try out. After their time was over, she reached forward to shake Kate’s hand and slipped her coat on as she walked to the door, thinking about her advice, a lot of maybes. The only thing Julie was struggling with was a way to reconnect with Dan.

  We used to listen to music and chat for hours, but I just don’t think we’ve got much to say to each other anymore.

  Chapter Eight

  I’m going for it. This is the new me! I’m going to put myself out there.

  Get on with it. Now. Just do it.

  There’s nobody home, nobody to tell me what to do.

  I’m an adult.

  I make the decisions for me.

  Be a powerful woman, Julie. Take self-ownership. Put down those dirty dishes and walk away. Hell yeah! Smash them to the floor if you feel like it.

  Yes, I will.

  You are strong. You are powerful. You are loved.

  She’d tried all the self-help mantras, but they weren’t soaking in. Sarah doubtless followed one. She seemed the type. She probably looked in the mirror and complimented herself every day like the self-help books recommended. But mirrors told lies. In Julie’s case, she would need more than a minute on her ‘makeup’ if she was going to follow that advice. How did those young girls on social media get it so right? When Julie put eyeliner on, it was a case of either having a gap between her eyelashes and the line, or a jagged edge.

  I think the skin on my eyes is just trying to give up and die. Either that, or droopy eyelids, which no amount of holding back whilst applying is going to help. I am definitely not the right candidate for smoky eyes. Even those pretty cat-flicks at the edges ended up looking like crow’s feet in the wrong place. The remedy? Apply more black until she looked like she had a bruise, and hope the lights would be dimmed at her destination.

  Today’s destination was the cinema. Julie had made a plan, found a sparkly pen and written a list of lists. First, to drop Tommy off at school and try to persuade one of the parents to go for a “Walk and Talk”. Hopefully, it would tie in nicely with a cinema trip if she could persuade them to walk with her long enough and maybe abandon them when she got there – or would that be wrong? Would they want to go with her to see a movie? That could work.

  So, school, walk, cinema, coffee shop to write my film review, then school, home, housework. Power through the washing while checking on the slow cooker to make sure dinner’s ready for five p.m. Then, Dan.

  It was all doable; it was written in pen.

  Dan had laughed when she’d told him she was planning to write film reviews for her new career. ‘That’s not a job! It’s a hobby, if that. Anyway, you’ll never make it work – you don’t have the commitment, and where are you going to get the money to pay for the cinema tickets? You’ll need to get a job to pay for your job!’ Of course, he had to bring the conversation back to his job. A proper job. And the fact that he didn’t give her a personal allowance, only one for the housekeeping and kids. Dan had all the control, and didn’t he know it.

  By trade, Dan was an engineer, but in reality, he sat at a desk all day talking to people who were facing unemployment. Julie felt he wasn’t selling himself accurately when he spoke of it. Kate would have pulled him up on it, but Julie didn’t have the courage, not yet.

  He would come home and rant about how ungrateful people were when they were offered severance pay and that none of them deserved it as they were all idle, unqualified layabouts. He was supposed to be in HR, encouraging them, sympathising, offering advice for the future on how they could move on, but they had picked the wrong person if they thought that was ever going to happen.

  He doesn’t even listen to me, she thought, I doubt he’s much better there.

  No matter how unqualified he was for the role, Julie hoped daily that he’d keep hold of his job. She couldn’t handle him at home with her all day and doubted he’d be snapped up by head-hunters for a new position if a work appraisal showed his achievements – or lack of. How had she not known him better before diving into marriage? Her parents were to blame. Somebody else was always to blame, but this time Julie was going to fight for her place, and if she didn’t succeed, she would have no one to blame but herself.

  ◆ ◆ ◆

  Dilemma number one: How to sort out payment for the movie. Dan was right – she didn’t have enough money, especially now she’d already paid out for the first life coaching session…and was looking forward to another. She wondered if he’d notice a direct debit from the joint account. Did he check it? She didn’t know where to start but figured it would all be self-explanatory on his laptop. She’d used lots of computers in her previous job, so how hard could it be?

  Opening Dan’s laptop, she found Santander saved as a shortcut. Cheers, Dan. Julie clicked on the image, entered Dan’s email into the username box and the cat’s name into the password box, followed by his date of birth. He’d never been secretive, and for that, she was grateful.

  With a tap, she was in. Gas, mortgage, council tax, National Rail, boring, boring, boring. There was a long list of outgoings but still a healthy sum in the account, so why was he so tight? She wished they’d kept individual accounts, but when he’d suggested they set up a joint account back when they married, it seemed so romantic. Seeing their names, Mr & Mrs Summers. She�
��d been carried away in the love-story and was still paying the price years later. She knew in later life having children would affect her career, but hadn’t taken into account her loss of independence when that happened – when her income stopped and with it her allowance for all things fun died.

  What’s Booking.com? She thought, opening a second window on the laptop and quickly searching the web; the URL came up as a hotel bookings site. Ooh, exciting! Are we going on holiday? She decided to have a proper look after the cinema – if she got back before the kids finished school.

  Julie quickly set up the cinema payment, referenced ‘therapy’ and logged out. If Dan saw that on the bank statement, he’d be more inclined to let her keep it. He’d probably wind her up about it, the number of times he’d shouted she needed to sort her head out.

  ‘Mum, are you ready? Have the school gates opened? My toothpaste is finished! Where did you put my shoes?’

  ‘Okay, Tommy, I’ll be there in two minutes!’

  Family time now, me-time later.

  Chapter Nine

  ‘Don’t slam the door, Tommy! Do you know how much it costs? It’s about one thousand pounds to replace that door. You’ll be paying it off forever out of your pocket money if you break it!’

  ‘It wasn’t me, it was the wind,’ he responded with a smirk.

  ‘Where’s your book bag? Oh, for goodness’ sake!’ Julie put the key in the door and reached around for the bag, spotting Tommy’s coat at the same time, also forgotten.

  ‘Carry this.’

  ‘No, I don’t want to.’

  He was so stubborn, and Julie didn’t have it in her to start an argument first thing in the morning. It was easier to give in. Bad parenting, but who was judging her? Sometimes, you’ve just got to get through the day, she told herself as they got into the car. She put Tommy’s seatbelt on while berating herself for not teaching him, but she was too anxious to trust him when the seatbelt was a matter of life or death.

  Julie reversed out of the drive into ongoing traffic. Be bold, Julie. Today is the first day of the rest of your life, but try not to kill yourselves doing it. Arriving at the school, she edged along at a snail’s pace, praying to the parking angel a space would be available. And there it was. Great – she could leave the car safe, have a walk and not have to deal with Tommy moaning about walking home after school.

  Today’s shaping up to be a good day, she thought as she kissed him goodbye and looked around for any straggling parents. How should she approach them? She could feel her breath getting shallow, pounding, pulsing, the panic setting in. The sky was crisp-blue, not a mark on it, with the exception of the moon’s faded reflection still showing through from the night before.

  In the distance, there was one mother she recognised – Peter’s mum. Julie never learned the parents’ names. Her legs felt heavy, and her trainers caught on the uneven path as she started to approach, How do I ask her? She felt like a teenager with a crush, unable to make the first move despite her gaggle of friends egging her on. Except this time, she didn’t have anybody to push her, only her mind and Kate’s words.

  ‘Good morning,’ she mumbled under her breath. The standard greeting. Would that be enough, or should she jump straight in? What if the mum said yes and actually wanted to walk? What would they talk about? How would they communicate? Would they have anything in common? What if she only said yes because she felt sorry for her? Right, it’s now or never. She lifted the sides of her mouth in a grimace and went in for the greeting.

  ‘Good—’

  ‘Hi, good morning! How are you? Haven’t spoken in ages! Breakfast?’

  ‘Oh, great, yes!’ Julie responded enthusiastically, noticing too late that Peter’s mum was wearing an earpiece and not directing the conversation at her. Blood flushed to her cheeks in a hot gush of tingles as she quickly walked by, hoping her faux pas would pass unseen.

  Rome wasn’t built in a day, she reminded herself. Next step, the cinema.

  As she rushed off, she wondered how long it would take to walk to the cinema. She couldn’t gauge the time based on her kids’ dawdling pace but guessed half an hour with them meant fifteen minutes on her own. They moaned whenever she suggested going anywhere. All they ever wanted to do was spend time at home, doors shut, PlayStation on.

  Cold and numb, repeatedly smacked in the face by the autumn breeze, Julie raised her head slowly, willing herself to look up. Things are going to get better. Smile. Embrace the future. She looked around, took in the seasonal changes, delighted at the leaves that fell like soft rain. Her legs felt awkward and sluggish, but she was slowly nearing her destination – they were doing their job. She willed them forward, one little step at a time.

  Julie renewed her stride, feeling more positive, smiling at the innocence of a squirrel running down a tree, going from conker to conker on the floor. The outer shell was prickly and confusing, with no promise of the condition of the treasure inside, but the squirrel was content regardless. He was building for his future. She’d always thought they only wanted acorns, but this particular squirrel seemed to be embracing change. The breeze pushed her onwards until she finally reached the huge cinema complex.

  ‘Hi, can I have one ticket to whatever is starting in the next ten minutes, please?’ she asked the heavily bearded child behind the counter.

  ‘It’s two for one today – do you want a second ticket?’

  Julia couldn’t help but look from side to side, though she thought better of a full pirouette. ‘Nope, it’s just me.’ I am brave, I am strong, I am woman, she repeated in her head, feeling liberated. She bravely approached the counter, instead of opting for the no-need-for-human-contact-or-humiliation self-serve machine.

  ‘Okay, ma’am. Where do you want to sit?’ He flipped the screen around and showed her the cinema layout.

  Julie stared back irritated, wondering when she had become a ma’am.

  ‘The ones that are grey are already booked, so you can choose any other,’ he went on obliviously.

  Julie noted a lot of the pre-booked seats were in twos, taking advantage of today’s offer. She imagined couples enjoying a sneaky day off work together; that would never be her and Dan. Pointing to the back row, she picked the most central seat for the optimum experience.

  The guy held out the card reader, and she scanned her card. Rejected. How embarrassing. She couldn’t see why the joint account would have bounced, it had money. Perhaps Dan had put a stop on her card, but how could she broach that subject? He was far too sensitive. She rummaged around in her pocket for some cash, hoping that next time, her direct debit would have kicked in, and she could use a pre-paid membership card and not have this worry. If she mentioned the payment issues, Dan might check the bank account and find the new direct debits. It wasn’t worth the risk.

  The movie ticket read ‘Unbroken’ and was rated fifteen. She hoped it wouldn’t be scary. There was nothing worse than watching a horror on your own.

  ‘Would you like any refreshments with that?’ the man-child asked, but she was already walking away, rude but oblivious to her surroundings, preparing herself mentally for a toilet trip.

  It was the first time Julie had been to the cinema on her own. She walked through, showing her ticket and headed for the toilets. She put her hand on the door and pushed firmly…just as a woman came through it from the other side. It made her jump, both fumbled their apologies and they began the polite silent dance of left to right, to left, to right… Oh, forget this, she thought, then turned around and walked away. She didn’t have the patience, let’s see if my bladder can hold it for once, she thought striding off more confidently than she felt.

  Screen five was the furthest down the long corridor. Seeing the lights flickering on each side as she walked reminded Julie of a futuristic movie, the carpet changing into a brightly lit dance floor. Step on the cracks, and you’ll fall into another dimension…r />
  The cinema door was heavy. There was a bin right outside – not holding it open, only blocking the path for would-be viewers. She squeezed around it and smiled, thankful to see the lights were still on inside and the adverts hadn’t yet started. Note to self: Always come early to the cinema before the lights go down. There were a few people seated already, chatting and eating popcorn. She wondered what they would think of her, a loner? Friendless? Jobless? Likely all of the above. She could feel their eyes staring and hear their laughter. Were they laughing at her?

  Just walk on by. Head up, Julie, back row. Looking down, she noted the letters were going up, and she must have accidentally booked the front row. Be rebellious, go wild! Break the rules, go for it, walk past your seat and sit wherever you like. Sitting at the front was just asking for neck ache or eye strain. She wasn’t thirty anymore. The voice in her head was tempting – a voice she wasn’t used to hearing.

  Kate’s words came to mind: It’s time to focus on you. Make the choices that will make you most happy. It’s your life, and you deserve it. She didn’t think the advice applied to cinema seating, but what the hell?

  The lights started to dim as she reached the central seat. From this viewpoint, Julie could take full advantage of the cinema surround sound system and high-definition screens while also having a panoramic view of her surroundings. Nobody would be creeping up behind her, she hoped, although there were plenty of empty seats back there.

  Was this a mistake? She felt a bit antsy looking at her watch. Twenty minutes of adverts! Seriously? At this rate, she would be finishing too late for school pick-up. She regretted not bringing the car, but her inner voice said, Exercise, you can run the school run. Yeah, great. Turn up sweating and shaky – nothing new there.

  The movie finally started, and the sound was ear-splitting. Maybe it’s because it’s a fifteen? She didn’t remember it being so loud when she took the kids, but then again, she didn’t really watch the movies when she went with them. Cinema trips with kids was more about handing out the next snack, anything to fill their noisy mouths when the supply of sweets dried up.