Beautiful Pain

by Joanna Mazurkiewicz

  “Kirsty, I am serious. I’ve got stuff to do, so just do us both a favour and leave,” he said, holding her hand. She pursed her lips with anger and gave him a stern look. Then she smoothed her shorts and lifted up her boobs.

  “Whatever, Harry. I don’t really understand. Since when are you so boring? You won’t get a chance like that again,” she added, placing her hands on her hips. He cleared his throat and opened the door.

  “Sorry, babe, but I am really busy, maybe another time.”

  “There won’t be another time,” she snapped. As she left, she was cursing him out in anger.

  Harry didn’t need this right now. He wanted to see Sophia again, touch her beautiful skin and taste her lips. He knew that he was dreaming; she wasn’t the kind of girl who would go for someone like him. Although he was determined to get to know her, he knew it was impossible. He didn’t care about the stupid rules or the consequences. He always got what he wanted.

  He didn’t even plan to miss his appointment today, but his mother had trouble with breathing so he couldn’t leave her. He was the only one that she had. His father was useless, he left them when Harry was really young and he barely spoke to him. His brothers were all in prison so they weren’t much help.

  He thought about today’s trip long and hard. He couldn’t back out now, the goods were ready to be shipped. Close to seven o’clock in the evening he received a phone call from Roger. His old school mate has been dealing with high quality goods for over five years and Harry couldn’t miss that chance. He was released from prison last year and he was still on probation, but Roger didn’t care. He didn’t have a mother who was dying of lung cancer.

  Later on in the evening Harry went upstairs to get changed. He knew what streets he needed to avoid. He had his own people around West and North Belfast, but as always he needed to be careful. The car was waiting for him outside and he was glad that his mother was sleeping when he left. He didn’t want her to worry, although she knew everything he was doing.

  It was a brand spanking new Audi A3; Harry got inside. Roger, John, and Spencer were there looking high and excited.

  “What’s up Harry boy?” asked Roger, smoking a joint. Roger had a large scar that ran across his forehead. He was beaten up once outside of the nightclub, but his opponent was the one who had to go through major surgery after Roger slashed him so badly that he was left disabled for the rest of his life. He was tall and well-built with ginger hair and small grey eyes.

  “Great, are we going to get on with this?” asked Harry impatiently, taking the cigarette from Spencer who was grinning widely. He didn’t normally smoke, but he would look weak if he refused.

  “Don’t worry, Mr. O’Donaghue. Soon you will get your hands on all these delicious goods, then we just have to count the cash,” John said, patting him on the shoulder. John had the cleanest history out of all of them. He’d just had a baby, but he and his girlfriend were on benefits. John wanted to make a bit of money.

  As they were driving through the city Harry wondered if Sophia gave her number to that knob that he’d seen on the street. He clenched his fists with rage thinking about him. Looking at the world as it was passing by, he made a decision. He was going to ask her out again during his next meeting. He didn’t want anyone else to snatch her up from under his nose, she was too good and he was willing to show her his true self.

  Roger pulled up in front of an obscure house, he smiled and glanced outside. Harry knew that he was checking that there weren’t any cubs around. Finally after a long moment he said, “Come on ladies, it’s time to make some money”

  Chapter Ten

  Sophia couldn’t believe that she saw Mason again, and this time she couldn’t fob him off with any excuse. She had to give him her number. It was bad enough that Mason had seen Harry on the street with her. When Harry left her alone she was relieved. Mason rang her as soon as she got home and asked her out. She felt that she had to say yes, besides she’d brought this on herself. Later on she thought that she should have just told him that she wasn’t ready for dating.

  “Are you kidding me, you met him again?” asked Vanessa with disbelief when Sophia told her briefly about her eventful afternoon.

  “Yes, I have. I couldn’t believe it when I saw him on the street,” she admitted.

  “So, did he ask for your number?”

  “Even better, I am going for a date with him tomorrow,” replied Sophia, smiling.

  “Fantastic, so my Sophia is finally going on a proper date,” she beamed. “As far as I remember he looked like a decent bloke. Imagine if he is the one that you will have sex with?”

  “Wow, don’t get ahead of yourself, we are going for a date that’s all. I haven’t even decided if I like him enough,” she mumbled, feeling that her anxiety was coming back. Vanessa rolled her eyes and picked up an apple from the fruit bowl.

  “Shut up! Just go out enjoy yourself and see where this new romance will take you. Mason is cute, so make sure that your first date ends with a kiss. He is going to expect that.” Vanessa grinned.“You know tongues and all!”

  Smiling, Sophia shook her head. “Don’t worry. I will tell you all about it!”

  “Great, I will be back after twelve,” added Vanessa, grabbing her bag. She thought about what Vanessa said and felt uneasy. She hadn’t thought about kissing Mason. He was still a stranger and she hasn’t kissed anyone since she was sixteen. For now she waved that idea away, wondering about what she was going to have for supper. She had all day to think about her date. She left the room and checked her phone. She felt like a bucket of ice cascaded into her stomach when she saw three missed calls from her mother. The dark thoughts started to embrace her mind, panic and anxiety rushed through her body. She thought about the long knife that was in the kitchen drawer.

  I’d had enough of my life. Today at school Kevin laughed at my French accent. Then I had to face my mother at home. Recently my grades have slipped off, even the tutorials from Mr. Nicholson aren’t helping me anymore.

  It’s Friday night and I wasn’t invited to one of Lindesay’s parties, she said that I wasn’t cool enough, but everyone else that I knew was going.

  When I walked home this afternoon I got soaked, and my stomach was hurting because I haven’t eaten anything since yesterday. My father has been shouting at me all afternoon, he keeps saying that he’d spent fortune on me and I didn’t appreciate anything. I was slowly drowning again; my breaths were shallow when I got home. My mother wasn’t there yet so I went to my room straight away. My chest and my limbs felt heavy. I wasn’t in control anymore. The tiny voice in my head was telling me that I had to end this.

  I looked under the bed and took out my special box. Inside there were small knives that I have been collecting through the year. My favourite one was the pink one that I bought from the Asian couple in East London. It was incredibly sharp. My body was drenched with sweat and I was shaking. I didn’t have to hesitate because the pressure was making me nauseous.

  I took my trousers off and sat down on the floor, looking at my scarred skin. I was proud of all those long, rough lines that were covering half of my thighs.

  “Everything will be fine in a second.”

  I didn’t know why I said that. My head was pulsing painfully, but when the knife tore my skin a sharp pain pushed away all those nasty comments from today. I wasn’t counting any more how many times I slashed myself; the blood was pouring out of me and I was feeling great, numb and free. No one was laughing at me anymore, the pain was just a liberation.

  “Oh my God, Sophia, what are you doing?”

  There she was. My mother was standing at the door. She screamed and I was just staring at her feeling as if nothing more mattered.

  She sat down on the floor and tried to breathe. It took her more than five minutes to calm down. She thought that she was stupid behaving like this; maybe her mother was simply worried about her. She hadn’t hurt herself for a really long time and she wanted to use the kitchen knif
e to find relief. After a long moment, her pulse came back to normal. She couldn’t ruin years of therapy.

  Sophia thought about that horrible day, running her hands over the scars on her stomach. She wasn’t proud about what she had done to her body. Every time she undressed she saw demons that were pulling her into the darkness. Her scars made her feel ugly, useless, and damaged. Her mother had never looked at her the same way since that day. She didn’t remember what happened after that, all her memories were hazy. Her mother screamed, and when her father entered the room she passed out. She woke up in the hospital and since that day her life had changed forever.

  No one understood her, not even the doctors. Her parents thought that she done that because she needed attention. She didn’t want to blame them. Today she was away from them and from her nightmares, she had to speak to her mother. She was probably only worried about her.

  She bit her lip in anticipation and dialed her mum’s number, feeling her heartbeat quicken. Michelle picked up the phone straight away.

  “Sophia, are you all right?” asked her mother sounding oddly calm.

  “Fine, Mum, how are you?” she asked.

  “I am tired. I had a tough day in the studio. How is Belfast?”

  “Nothing like I expected. Mum, why are you calling me?”

  She wanted to bite her tongue; she didn’t mean to ask that.

  “What do you mean? I am your mother and I am worried about you,” fumed Michelle. Sophia exhaled, hoping that her mother hadn’t called her because she wanted to visit her.

  “Well, everything is fine with me, so you don’t need to worry,” she added firmly. She couldn’t give her mother the impression that she wasn’t enjoying herself, she didn’t need another headache. She remembered very well that her mother was a control freak. She kept Sophia’s secrets away from her friends and family. Michelle was always ashamed that she had an unstable daughter who had to be locked up all the time.

  “Right, good, I am just checking.” Michelle paused. “Your grandmother said that you shouldn’t have gone there all by yourself, you know that your father is really angry that you weren’t going to work in his practice.”

  “Mum, please, I am fine so just give me a break. Besides, I am not a child anymore.”

  “I know, but what if you start harming ...”

  “Mum, I don’t need to do that anymore. I am clean and I have been for two years,” insisted Sophia. “I need to get going. I will call you some other time.”

  “All right, darling, take care.”

  Sophia was right, her mother was really checking on her. She left her phone on the bed and decided not to think about her parents or even London. They were far away and they couldn’t tell her what to do. Her panic attacks were making her vulnerable, but she had to prove to herself that she was able to make her own choices. This was her chance to change everything.

  ***

  On Wednesday night Sophia was nervously looking at her own reflection in the mirror. She sprayed her hair, hoping to keep it in order tonight, but as usual it didn’t behave. She went for a long, sleeveless maxi dress that showed off her curves. She thought long and hard about this evening. Mason had no idea what Sophia went through, but she had to keep it together. She wasn’t going to kiss him until she was absolutely ready. Sophia was glad that Vanessa was at work, so at least she didn’t have to deal with her nagging questions and difficult comments. A chill spread over her shoulder, and the ripple of anxiety rushed down her spine when her phone buzzed.

  Mason texted her saying that he was waiting for her outside. Sophia sucked the corner of her mouth, put her sandals on, and rushed downstairs. Before her mother found her in the room she went out for many dates, but this was completely different. She wasn’t sure how to behave and what to do, so she decided to be upfront with Mason.

  He was driving an old Ford Focus. She didn’t want to show him that she was nervous. The ache in her stomach stopped when she finally looked at him.

  “How are you my African princess?” he asked, smiling widely.

  “Uhm, fine,” she replied, blushing.

  “Uhm, that doesn’t sound good. Are you sure? You look a bit pale,” he asked, arching his eyebrow. Sophia’s stomach tightened. She couldn’t pretend that she was all right. She had to tell him now what was bothering her.

  “Okay, here is the thing. You are probably guessing that I am going to kiss you at the end of this date. Maybe this sounds really ridiculous and you will probably change your mind after what I am going to say, but I haven’t been out on many dates recently. I don’t really know what to do. The kissing part is really scary—”

  “Don’t worry,” he interrupted her. “I wasn’t going to kiss you anyway, so relax and let me show you how to have a good time. Let’s pretend that this conversation never took place.”

  “But ...”

  “No, I want to take you out and I promise that I will behave. Don’t worry, I won’t be kissing you today,” he added and started the engine. Sophia stared at him for several seconds, unable to move. He wasn’t making a big deal out of it, so after a moment she relaxed slightly. Maybe she was just stupid telling him that she wasn’t going to kiss him. He probably thought that she was behaving like a total idiot.

  They were driving in silence for several minutes; Sophia noticed that they were moving away from the centre. Mason switched on the music and gave her a warm smile. He looked sexy in a plain white shirt and jeans.

  “Do you like Dido?” he asked.

  “Seriously, you listen to Dido?” she chuckled.

  “What’s wrong with that?”

  “Nothing, I just didn’t expect you to like her,” she responded, tipping the edge of her lips in a smile. Mason turned a sharp left and gave her a hostile look.

  “There is a lot that you don’t know about me.”

  Sophia sunk back to her chair, feeling less agitated. So far he had been understanding and behaved like a gentleman. Mason asked about her day at the office and about Vanessa. He seemed genuinely interested in her life. After a half an hour drive, Mason parked the car in front of a busy street. She spotted a long queue, probably to the club, and heard the loud music. Mason opened the door for her and took her hand, helping her out of the car.

  “So where are we going?” she asked, feeling apprehensive about spending her first date in a loud club. She felt that her body was sending dangerous signals to her mind. The storm was near and if she was going to hold it together she needed a miracle.

  Chapter Eleven

  Mason smiled, but he didn’t turn to enter the club. He walked into a restaurant next door. Sophia drew a deep breath, feeling silly. She had to relax; he was a decent guy.

  She felt calmer once she sat down in the quiet restaurant. Mason was staring at her intensely; his expression yet again was unreadable. Something flickered in his eyes, and then it was gone. The waiter approached their table.

  “I forgot to tell you that you look really beautiful tonight,” said Mason after the waiter took their drink order.

  “Thank you.”

  “Are you sure you aren’t a lost princess?”

  Sophia laughed, forgetting about the tension that she had been carrying for the past hour. Her behavior was probably freaking him out. This was just a normal date, not an exam, and she was behaving ridiculously.

  “I am just a regular girl.”

  “You are far from regular Sophia,” he muttered and winked at her.

  As the evening began to unfold, Sophia learnt that Mason had lived in Bristol most of his life. Two years ago he met Maggie, his ex-girlfriend. They moved in together after only six months and they became inseparable. When Maggie got a job offer in Belfast, Mason didn’t have to think about the move twice. They were happy for several months and Mason was ready to propose. Everything changed once Maggie took a new job. She became moody and she was always coming home late. Then they started arguing. It wasn’t long before they separated. Later on Mason found out that Maggie had m
oved in with some Irish bloke that she met at work.

  “I thought that she was the one, but now I think that I was wrong. We just weren’t suited for each other,” he explained. Sophia nodded.

  “I don’t believe that you can ever find the one. Love can be challenging.”

  “Maybe you are right. Love brings the worst out of us, we never know where it could take us,” he said as the waiter took away their plates. “I am sure you won’t say no to a dessert?”

  “I am stuffed and I don’t think I could eat anymore” she sighed. She had been drinking white wine throughout the meal and she was feeling tipsy. The alcohol was helping her; she was feeling much more confident than an hour ago.