Beautiful Pain

by Joanna Mazurkiewicz

  On Saturday morning Vanessa was still sleeping when Sophia was getting ready. She paced around the room for at least half an hour, contemplating if she should call off this whole trip. She tried a few different things from her wardrobe, but in the end she went for jeans and a plain T-shirt. She kept telling herself that this wasn’t a date and she didn’t have to make an effort. She needed to keep her distance from Harry, then she wouldn’t be in any trouble. This attraction wasn’t going to ruin her life.

  At ten past ten she received a text message from him asking her what her address was. She bit her lips with anticipation. She hadn’t considered where they were going to meet.

  She texted back saying that they should meet in the city centre. After all, she wanted to keep him away from the apartment. Her phone started ringing almost straight away.

  “Hallo,” she answered, feeling her pulse increase.

  “Sophia, give me your address. I am going to pick you up,” he said, sounding angry.

  “I don’t think—”

  “Stop being unreasonable! I am just going to pick you up from your place,” he said, irritated.

  “Fine,” she snapped and hung up. She didn’t like to be ordered around, but she obeyed. She sent a quick text with the address. He replied instantly.

  I am coming for you baby.

  She smiled lightly but shook her head. No one ever called her that. It was sweet, but out of order.

  “What are you even thinking? He isn’t for you,” she reminded herself. He was waiting for her downstairs. She saw him in front of a motorcycle. He was watching her as she walked towards him. Her body was going through some kind of emotional shock; her heart skipped a beat.

  “Hello beautiful,” he smirked, eyeing her from head to toe. She shivered but reminded her wild thoughts that she wasn’t going to do anything stupid today. She had to find out why Harry was still dealing and save him before he ruined his life forever.

  Chapter Sixteen

  “So where are we going?” she asked, eyeing the motorcycle with suspicion.

  “It’s a secret, now put this on,” he ordered, handing her a helmet. Confused, she stared at it for several seconds. Then she looked at the motorbike.

  “If you think that I will get on that, then you are very wrong,” she said, stepping back. Harry’s eyes darkened and his expression hardened.

  “I am not joking, Sophia, just put it on. I am done playing with you. Stop being a baby and just do what I say,” he ordered. “She is my best form of transport.”

  Sophia opened her mouth to argue, but changed her mind. She’d never ridden on a motorbike, but she wasn’t going to delay anything or cause a scene on the street. She yanked the helmet away from him and climbed onto the back of the motorbike.

  “Put your hands around my waist and hold tight,” said Harry with a hint of amusement in his tone. Her stomach made another contraction; she wanted to avoid being close to him, but he was making it impossible. She sighed and wrapped her hands around his waist. Her heart pounded in her chest and a cold heat surged through her arms. She needed to keep it together, ignore all the emotions. She closed her eyes, thinking about his warm body. A few minutes later they were away from the city centre and passing through busy traffic. Harry handled his bike well, moving smoothly through busy streets.

  After some time Sophia realised that they’d left Belfast completely and were now driving through the country roads. When he finally stopped his powerful motorcycle, Sophia found herself in the middle of nowhere, flushed and worried about where she was, expecting the worst. She pulled the helmet off and took a deep breath, staring at the green fields stretching for miles away.

  “Where are we?” she asked, looking at Harry who lifted his rucksack off the floor and hung it over his shoulder. His eyes flashed with excitement and a tiny smile crept over his lips.

  “We are near the coast, that’s where I am taking you,” he replied.

  “Are you going to leave your motorbike here?” she asked in disbelief, glancing around.

  “Don’t worry, no one is going to take her away from me. I have left her alone many times before,” he smirked and took Sophia’s hand.

  “We shouldn’t pretend that this is a date,” she said, quickly pulling her hand away.

  “Can you just chill out a little?” he said, annoyed. “This isn’t a date, but I want to hold your hand.”

  Harry reached for her hand again and this time she didn’t fight him. A wave of heat dug under the surface of her skin as their hands connected. All her plans to stay away from him were going nowhere and she hated herself for that. They started walking through the grass up the hill. Part of his tattoo was clearly visible on his arm and Sophia kept glancing at it, admiring it and having the urge to run her fingers over his skin. She relaxed slightly after a moment; there was no point overthinking what he was planning.

  “I am fine, stop telling me to chill out. The point is that we shouldn’t be doing this,” she pressed. He looked at her, scanning her face with his brown eyes.

  “Please stop worrying and imagine that you are spending a nice Saturday with your friend. We don’t need to talk about anything else,” he suggested, smiling. “And after today if you decided that you never want to see me again outside probation I will do whatever you say.”

  Sophia didn’t respond straight away, but she shifted her eyes, staring at the field in front of her. He wasn’t asking for a lot, just one day and then she could decide.

  “Fine, I can stick to your idea of friendship, but friends normally don’t hold hands,” she challenged.

  “Well maybe we can pretend that we are more than just friends,” he smirked.

  “No we can’t, you are crossing the line again.”

  “I know that you are attracted to me, so stop pretending. Besides, I took you away from the city so you could relax and stop worrying,” he explained. “I want you to tell me about your life in London.”

  Sophia tensed her body, thinking about how hopeless she felt in London. Her parents always made her do what they wanted. Since she’d left the hospital she didn’t have much freedom. Her parents had never understood why she was hurting herself. She bit her lips, looking away. She had hidden this secret so deep inside her, keeping it away from everyone that knew her.

  “There is not much to talk about. I live with my parents, studying and that’s about it. My life isn’t exciting at all,” she said.

  “Come on, there must be more to it. What do your parents do?”

  “Mum is a designer and my father is a solicitor.”

  Harry arched his eyebrow.

  “What about your hobbies and interests?”

  “I like running. I don’t party, or do much at all. I am just boring, Harry. I don’t know what you were imagining?”

  “No one is boring, Sophia, especially not you. So why did you decide to come to Ireland, to Belfast?”

  Sophia tossed her hair behind her back and pursed her lips together contemplating what to say.

  “My parents can be quite overwhelming at times and I needed a break from them” she said trying to keep her voice even as the scene from four years ago flashed through her mind.

  My mother was just standing at the door staring at my bloody legs. I felt light and didn’t want to move, but I could see that her pupils were dilated, her mouth wide open. The horror crept across her ashen face.

  “Sophia, what the hell are you doing, hun?” she whispered, still not moving from the same spot.

  I couldn’t respond because I kept looking at the thick, red liquid that was running across my thighs. My weapon was lying on the floor next to me.

  I was caught and now she knew my secret. My mind spun and I wanted to die, to tell her that it wasn’t her business. Scream that no one cared.

  “This is what you made me do!” I roared with anger. I just wanted her to know how she made me feel, I wanted her to experience the same pain. Anger, frustration, and misery flew through my body. I was never good eno
ugh no matter what I did.

  What had happened after that felt like a dream; my memories were hazy whenever I thought about that day. My parents called an ambulance, although I was perfectly fine. The paramedic must have given me something because I dozed off. I couldn’t remember when I woke up in a completely different place.

  I was freezing cold, but I knew that I was in hospital. Someone had taken care of my wound. The room was small, but even through the darkness I saw the shape of the metal bars that were outside the small window. I felt lonely and abandoned. I never wanted to remember what I did to myself.

  “Sophia, are you listening to me?”

  Harry’s voice brought Sophia back. She thought that the past was behind her, so why did she keep bringing back those painful memories? She had to pull herself together.

  “Yes, sorry, what did you say?”

  “I asked if you left a boyfriend behind in London,” he smirked, watching her carefully.

  “No, no boyfriend,” she replied, blushing. She thought about the marks on her body; no one in their right mind would stay with her, she was a freak with a dark, confusing past. She never let anyone in close. She was ashamed of what she’d done to herself.

  “How does a girl like you not have a boyfriend? You are beautiful and intelligent,” he stated and his brown eyes gleamed with heat.

  “I was busy with focusing on my career,” she muttered. “Anyway, let’s not talk about me, this trip was supposed to be about you.”

  “Hold on,” he said. “Look up.”

  They reached the hill and Sophia finally understood Harry’s grin. She gasped and brought her hands to her lips. He’d brought her to the excluded beach and the most striking seaside that she’d ever been to. Heavy clouds hung above them, the sea was wild, waves crashed against the sandy shore. Sophia was used to the grey landscape in London, to the city that was never calm, but right now she felt special admiring the striking view, enjoying being away from people. She used to go abroad with her parents, but this felt so much more real.

  “Oh my God, this is amazing!”

  “Are you ready for a swim?” laughed Harry, taking his shoes off. Sophia laughed and shook her head.

  “Swim? Are you mad? The water must be freezing!”

  “It’s perfect, and I am going in,” he said and before Sophia could realise what he was doing he was shirtless, his muscles flexed and Sophia’s heartbeat quickened. She stopped breathing for several seconds staring at his beautiful tattoo, wanting to wrap herself around him.

  Don’t even go there, she thought.

  “You are mad. I know it is summer, but today it’s cold,” she warned him. She was hoping to distract herself from his body and his tattoos, but she was failing miserably. He took off his jeans and stood in front of her in his boxers. Harry laughed and a mad gleam started dancing in his eyes. She blushed, dismissing the lust that was building up inside her core.

  “See you in a minute,” he chuckled and started running towards the sea and screaming with excitement. The shore was empty. Sophia couldn’t believe that no one knew about this place. The waves were high, and when Harry dived in goose pimples popped up on her skin.

  “Come on, you will love it!!” he roared, drifting on the surface.

  Sophia shook her head. She couldn’t strip off in public, especially in a place like this where everyone could see her scarred body. She couldn’t let Harry see that she was hopeles

  Chapter Seventeen

  Harry had gotten a brain freeze; the water was colder than he thought it would be. He was watching Sophia as the waves carried him. He needed to feel free again, forget about his daunting problems. He spent another five minutes before he got back on dry land. Sophia didn’t have a boyfriend and Harry was glad about that. She was the most beautiful girl that he’d ever seen and he wanted her, his body ached for her. Her eyes scanned his tattoo when he was walking towards her dripping wet. While she was looking at him with those beautiful amber eyes, trying to hide the blush, he had gotten an instant hard on.

  “You are going to freeze to death,” she said, smiling, and passed him his shirt. The cold, crispy wind blew and he shivered. He didn’t care that he was cold, he’d already had a plan worked out in his head. He quickly put his clothes back on, ignoring his numb limbs.

  “Don’t worry about it, babe. Come on, let’s walk,” he said and took her warm hand. She didn’t pull away this time and he smiled to himself, thinking that soon he would have her in his arms.

  “If you think that you will distract me from asking questions about you then you are very wrong,” she said.

  “You got me, so fine … fire away. What do you want to know?”

  He was sure that she wouldn’t mention to anyone what she’d seen in that alley yesterday. If he was going to open himself up to her and tell her the whole truth, he had to know that he could trust her.

  “I read the report from court, and you were caught with a large amount of cocaine and cannabis. Just tell me why?”

  God, she wasn’t going to give up on this. She went straight to the point.

  “I promised that I would explain everything, but you also need to promise me that you won’t do anything stupid with the information that I am going to reveal.”

  Sophia narrowed her eyes and stopped.

  “Well, I don’t think that we agreed to that,” she reminded him.

  Harry took both of her palms and squeezed them harder, staring deeply into her amber eyes.

  “Please, I have to know that I can trust you. Otherwise, I can’t tell you what is going on.”

  “You are asking for a lot, Harry, and I am still torn between what is right or wrong. So far I know that you are dealing again.”

  Harry ran his hand through his hair, his pierced eyebrow twitching with impatience. Sophia was right, so far she only knew about his ill mother. He had to trust her, there wasn’t any other way.

  “I have never done drugs but I am selling them because I am trying to get money together for my mother’s operation. As you know she has cancer, but it’s in the very early stage. She is on the waiting list, but it could be months before she will even be considered to go under the knife. By then it could be too late. The cancer could have spread and there won’t be any point going through with the operation.”

  Harry stopped talking and wondered if she was going to believe him. He hated himself that there was no other way, he couldn’t sit at home while his mother suffered.

  Sophia’s eyes were wide-open with shock.

  “You are selling drugs because you want to finance your mother’s operation?” she repeated.

  “Yes, Sophia, that’s exactly what I am doing. I don’t expect you to understand,” he paused, sounding calm. “All of my brothers were always in trouble. They skipped school and got in with the wrong people, but me, I was never into drugs and fights. I am not saying that I was an angel, but I was never interested in that shit. I just wanted to move away from Belfast. I needed money and I thought that drugs would solve the problem. Then Mum got ill and I had to change my plans, and take care of her.”

  He sounded bitter. He couldn’t believe that he’d made that decision, but that was in the past now. Sophia was quiet, but she looked pale staring at Harry with her large beautiful eyes. He wasn’t even sure why he’d told her about his secret.

  “How much is the operation?” she asked.

  “It’s around thirty-thousand Euros,” he breathed out, exhausted talking about this with her. Money has never been important to him, but he was willing to do anything to help his mother. Lennox and Maxwell couldn’t do anything. His brothers were broke and behind bars.

  “So that’s why you were caught with cocaine a few months ago?”

  He nodded. Sophia exhaled and looked away. He wanted to know what she was thinking.

  “You know what is going to happen if you get caught again, right? They won’t just give you community service.”

  “I am aware of what could happen, you don�
�t have to tell me. I had a clean plan in my head. I was going to move away, then my brother’s mate called me up, saying that there was a chance to make some good money. There was a large undercover operation in Belfast and they caught me. My mother couldn’t believe it because I always stayed away from trouble. After I came out, she got ill. I refused to get into dealing again, but I couldn’t sit back when the doctors kept saying that we just had to wait. They told us it could be six to eight months. After her appointment in the hospital I went to a few guys. I told them that I wanted to start again. They agreed because of my brothers.”