Beautiful Pain

by Joanna Mazurkiewicz

  Sophia vanished into her room and slipped into more comfortable clothes. She left the apartment as quickly as possible and exhaled with relief once she was outside. She was planning to go out and get some take away. The evening was already ruined, Vanessa was with Tim and Sophia didn’t expect that their conversation was going to be short. She had got to know the neighborhood in the past few weeks, but she still had to walk for a bit to find her favourite take away. She could only hope that Vanessa would listen to what Tim had to say to her. He had left her, but now he obviously wanted her back.

  The sky was cloudy but it was still warm. The streets were quiet and deserted. Sophia slowly got used to this enigmatic Irish atmosphere, feeling that she could see herself living away from London. After about a fifteen minutes’ walk she reached the unknown street with a few take away shops. She must have taken a wrong turn because she didn’t recognise this street. She bought chips and curry sauce and ate inside the shop. She was going to do some grocery shopping as well. Vanessa would have texted her if she got rid of Timothy. She was probably hungry herself.

  She stopped a young local girl and asked her if there was a supermarket around. She was directed to a few streets over. Following the instructions from the teenager, she turned into a back alley, entering a quiet neighborhood. It was one of the back streets, but after a ten minutes’ walk, Sophia was certain that she was lost. The young girl probably played a prank on her. Then she heard voices further away. She reversed back behind the bins, trying not to bring anyone’s attention. Her heartbeat quickened. She shouldn’t even be here, away from the main street, alone with a group of suspicious looking men. Her stomach lurched as she saw a few blokes that were laughing out loud. She was just about to turn around when she recognized one of the men. The heat rushed to her ears when she saw Harry O’Donaghue. She widened her eyes, trying to see what he was doing. Waiting anxiously, she watched as he passed something to a shorter dark haired bloke. Then the same bloke handed him some money. She was close enough to notice it.

  Her heart pounded in her chest. She turned around in panic. Harry couldn’t possibly see her, he was busy still dealing. She rushed away, hoping that no one noticed her, walking back where she came from.

  Dread crawled through her chest to her stomach realising what she’d just seen. Harry was back, dealing drugs. She didn’t know what she was thinking, but she crossed the street and decided to hide in the corner and see what else he was planning to do today. Her breathing was irregular and the muscles in her whole body were oddly numb. Fifteen minutes later she saw the same group of men walking away. The view of the street was clear, but she looked odd hiding behind the car. Her mouth went dry and the nervous hit rushed through her body watching Harry emerge from the alley. He glanced around, not noticing her walking away fast. She didn’t want to listen to whatever voice in her head told her to keep away from him. She left her safe spot and rushed after him.

  “Harry!” she yelled.

  He turned around and frowned, staring at her with disbelief.

  “Sophia, what are you doing here?” he asked, glancing around and parting his lips. She didn’t have time to play games; her confidence grew.

  “I saw you in that alley a moment ago,” she said, scanning his posture and the amazing tattoo on his arm. She felt physically sick, and unable to believe that he was so stupid to be doing this where anyone could see him.

  “What exactly did you see, Sophia?” he asked, approaching her, dangerously close. Sophia was slowly losing her confidence as those beautiful brown eyes were piercing through her. She didn’t know what to do when he was staring so intensely at her, sensing her uneasiness. She caught the scent of his aftershave and inhaled. It was like his lips rustic and sweet

  “You were selling something, probably drugs,” she hissed, unable to move.

  He smirked and opened his mouth to say something, but instead he cupped Sophia’s face and kissed her before she could come to her senses and react. Sophia felt the earth open up beneath her and it was pulling her in. His kiss wasn’t soft, but violent and deprived. Her mind screamed to pull away, but her body screamed to respond. His tongue was teasing her. The violent tremor passed through her body, awakening the warmth and need for him.

  When he finally stopped, Sophia’s breathing was ragged and she was shaking. She felt cold, then hot as she finally met his eyes.

  “You can’t even imagine how much I wanted to do this again,” he said after a long moment, his chest falling and rising.

  “You know that you will be going back to prison. As soon as I report what I saw, they are going to lock you up,” she whispered.

  “I haven’t done anything wrong. I am just doing what I have to do to keep my mother alive,” he said, sounding annoyed. The air around them was heavy, infused by the lust that they both felt. The warmth between her legs was driving all of her senses crazy. She was flushed and aroused, but the moment wasn’t right at all.

  “How can you be so stupid? If I call the police then you will be in prison within an hour.”

  “We both know that you aren’t going to do that,” he said, and the tip of his lips inclined in a dark smile. Sophia couldn’t even concentrate enough on what she needed to do. Her limbs were heavy and her heart was galloping out of her chest. She wanted to slap him and scream that he was ruining his life.

  “How are you so sure? You just committed another crime,” she snarled, imagining Harry being taken away in handcuffs. She cared for his mother and Sophia wasn’t a monster. There were so many factors that she had to consider.

  ***

  They were still standing in the middle of the street and Harry didn’t care how serious the whole situation really was. He didn’t know what Sophia saw in the alley. She was right about him dealing, but he had no other choice, he had to get rid of what was left. He couldn’t stop himself from kissing her again. She tasted like a summer breeze and his pulse throbbed with pleasure. He was convinced that she wouldn’t tell anyone about what she saw, not after seeing his sick mother.

  Her breaths were forced and her amber eyes were filled with fear. He had one shot and he couldn’t ruin it now.

  “I am going to tell you everything about me, but with one condition. You have to go out with me,” he smirked, watching her distress. Her skin was shimmering in the sun that was slowly hiding behind the horizon. He could stare at those eyes forever. She was like a new spark that lit up in his chest.

  She opened her mouth to say something but no sound came out. Harry wanted to tell her that she could do whatever she wanted, but deep down he was scared that Sophia had enough power inside of herself to break him. She was his probation officer.

  “You are out of your mind, Harry, we can’t do this. Plus, you just ruined everything that you’ve worked for,” she shouted. “Have you thought about your poor mother?”

  He clenched his fists and paced up and down.

  “For fuck’s sake, Sophia, you don’t get anything! Just spend the day with me and I promise that I will explain everything to you. Then you can decide what to do with me,” he added, exhaling sharply. He wanted her to get to know him better, he wanted her to understand his reasons.

  It was frustrating enough that she was denying the connection between them. When he touched her his heart reacted. He wanted to tell her everything, the whole truth.

  “This is going to end badly for both of us, have you thought about the consequences?” she repeated, staring at Harry with those large amber eyes.

  “I will explain everything to you, just give me a chance,” he pledged. He’d never wanted anything as badly as he wanted Sophia.

  “So you will tell me why you are still dealing, why you are doing this?” she asked, staring at him in disbelief.

  “I am going to tell you everything about me, then you can make your decision. If you still want to report me then I will surrender, but I don’t need another lecture,” he breathed out. “Let me take you and show you the real Belfast, let me take you to
paradise.”

  Chapter Fifteen

  Sophia was still staring at Harry in complete disbelief. She couldn’t possibly agree to his crazy idea.

  “I don’t know, Harry,” she said. “You are stepping across a dangerous line.”

  “Taking you out? There is nothing dangerous about that, Sophia.”

  “You know what I am talking about. We can’t be seen together, we can’t go out!” she hissed, exhaling sharply.

  “Come on, don’t be so uptight. I know this city like the back of my hand, and no one is going to see us,” Harry snapped.

  “Yeah, and you are dealing drugs where anyone could have spotted you, that was just stupid and completely fucked up!”

  “So are you going to say yes?” he pressed, sounding annoyed.

  “Whatever, Harry. I am going to say yes because I want to hear what you’ve got to say. I am still considering telling Susan what I just saw.”

  “Considering? Well that’s a good thing. So I might be spared?” he chuckled.

  “Stop being a jerk,” she snapped.

  “I am a gentleman.”

  Sophia smirked, but she didn’t respond. Vanessa was probably done with Timothy, at least Sophia hoped that this was the case. These new emotions were dangerous and lethal whenever he came near.

  “I would need to take your number to arrange our exciting date later.”

  “It’s not a date,” she corrected him, but she reluctantly took out her mobile. “Just make it quick. I need to get back to the apartment.”

  They exchanged numbers and Sophia made some excuse to leave. When she brushed her finger over her lips, she could still taste him. He was out of control, but the tiny voice inside her head squeaked that she liked his obscure, fearless personality.

  ***

  When Harry got back to his car he was emotionally exhausted. He wasn’t expecting to run into Sophia today, and he couldn’t believe that she saw him dealing. She was right; he was foolish hanging around the unfamiliar area where anyone could see him.

  For a moment he wondered if she was going to sell him out. She looked so mad when he didn’t deny what he was doing. What if he was wrong about her? Maybe she was already calling Susan?

  All these questions were mounting inside Harry’s mind. He was just a criminal; he didn’t mean anything to her. Harry didn’t notice a black Audi that was parked on the other side of the street. He didn’t see the dark haired men that witnessed his encounter with Sophia. After Harry drove off, the man started scribbling something in his notepad, nodding. He circled Harry’s name a few times before he put the notepad down.

  ***

  When Sophia came back to the apartment, her head was pounding and her clothes were soaked through. She couldn’t believe what had just happened. She was slowly losing her mind, agreeing to see Harry again outside probation. Especially since he was trying to ruin his life again. The apartment was empty. Sophia assumed that Vanessa went out with her ex-boyfriend, trying to put together the missing puzzle pieces.

  There was no point going over what she had felt when Harry kissed her, she enjoyed it more than she could admit. When his tongue was swirling inside her mouth she wanted him so much more, she could be embraced in his arms forever. His touch was like a thunder storm, strong and uncontrolled, causing an explosion of unbelievable sensations inside her heart. She wasn’t herself when she was around him. All the demons, anxiety, panic, and nightmares were gone.

  When she saw him in Probation she was certain that he was still dealing drugs. She wanted to shake him, scream in his face that he was a fool after seeing him this evening. If anyone found out that she withheld such important information she would be completely ruined. Her career would be finished and she would probably end up in prison herself.

  Vanessa came back when Sophia was sleeping. In the morning they missed each other since Vanessa usually slept until noon. The day at the office passed without surprises. She thought long and hard about yesterday, still hesitating to say or do anything. Harry had her number but she hadn’t heard from him all day. When Sophia came back from work, Vanessa was lounging on the sofa watching TV.

  “Hey, are you all right?” she asked Vanessa. She couldn’t read anything from her friend’s expression.

  “I am good.”

  She started bombarding her with questions, “So, are you going to tell me what happened yesterday? What he was doing here and why you were gone when I came back?”

  “What do you want to know?” sighed her friend.

  “Everything!” said Sophia. “Start from the beginning.”

  “Well, that was Timothy. As you know we broke up last year, so I nearly lost it when I saw him yesterday,” explained Vanessa, rubbing her hands.

  “I thought I would give you some privacy,” Sophia said quickly. “Are you upset that I left you?”

  “No, it’s not your fault. I wouldn’t want you to listen to how loud I roared, I was pathetic. He left me and said that he was never coming back. I moved on, forgot about him, but when I saw him here everything came back,” sighed Vanessa, looking broken.

  “Did he say why he came back?”

  “He said that he had made a mistake and we shouldn’t have split up. He also said that he still has feelings for me,” she said, not believing it. “I didn’t want to listen to him at first. I kept shouting that he needed to get out of my apartment, that he’d broken my heart. I was completely hysterical. Tim was just listening and waiting until I calmed down. Then he insisted he take me out for food.”

  “So, what happened after that?”

  “We talked and talked, about everything that’s happened between us. I cried and told him how much he’d hurt me. He apologized, begging me to forgive him. He settled back in Dublin, but he wasn’t happy. I have my own shit that I have to deal with so I wanted to be honest with him. He has to earn my trust again. I am not going to forgive him just like that,” continued Vanessa. “He is going to try to make this work. I told him that I am not going to move out of Belfast and I don’t expect him to just leave his job for me, but he is going to visit me.”

  “But you don’t seem to be happy about that?” pressed Sophia. She wasn’t sure what to think about what Vanessa said.

  “I am reluctant to get into this mess again. I told him that I don’t like Dublin and I don’t want to leave Belfast, so I don’t even know how this is ever going to work,” she cried.

  “So, do you think he is serious?”

  “He is saying that he is, but I know him well. He easily gets bored and I am afraid about the distance. Maybe one day he will just get tired of traveling between two cities. I don’t want to go through this nightmare again.”

  “What did you tell him then?”

  “That’s the problem. I agreed to his ridiculous proposition, and we are going to see each other this weekend. Tim is staying with his mate today. He is going back to Dublin on Sunday evening.”

  “Don’t beat yourself up about this. Maybe this was meant to happen.” said Sophia, and the image of her and Harry flashed through her mind. He was just so wrong for her, but it felt so right being around him. Sophia felt instantly hot when she brought up the image of his lips pressed hard against hers.

  Vanessa was staring at her like she was going to burst into tears. Sophia didn’t want to tell her what to do, she obviously had feelings for Timothy and she wasn’t prepared to let go of him just yet. Vanessa put a lot of effort into getting back on track. She was thinking of going back to London after she graduated, but she loved Ireland. She often said that she wasn’t sure what she wanted to do.

  “Timothy can be sweet and caring, but he was the one who left me and now he wants me back,” she continued, glancing at her watch. She got up swiftly. “Oh my God I am going to be late for work!”

  Vanessa ran to her room, shouting that she was meant to start her shift in ten minutes. She was out of the house within five telling Sophia that they’d have to catch up later. They both needed a night out in to
wn.

  She changed into her running clothes and went out. It was her turn to make dinner tonight, but she didn’t have to rush. Vanessa was going to be out all night and Sophia was dreading tomorrow evening. She was going out with Harry O’Donaghue, a prison leaver who’d proven to be an exceptional kisser and probably even better lover.

  While running through quiet streets of Belfast, Sophia thought about Ramona. She wanted to tell her all about Harry, but she shouldn’t have been excited about this meeting. Her cousin would encourage Sophia to take things further with Harry. The situation wasn’t good. Sophia had to be careful about what she was doing. Harry was still a dangerous criminal, but she was warming up towards him more than she should.