Following the Sparrows

by Karen Malley

  She shoved the sofa out of the way and gave the tree a mighty yank. It came down with an unceremonious thud, showering needles across the room. Bandit gave a yelp as he narrowly escaped being flattened.

  ”Oh, sorry, Bandit-baby!” Kathryn petted the dog until he settled down to watch her.

  Kathryn unscrewed the base, and dragged the tree out of the house, with Bandit close at her heels. She shivered as the wind whipped her hair across her face. The snow was starting again. She quickly dragged the tree to the curb and got back inside. After vacuuming the needles, a wave of dizziness hit her. With the adrenaline rush of the cleaning frenzy over, she needed something to eat. She heated some leftovers from her mom’s visit and plopped on the sofa.

  The empty space the tree had occupied mirrored her heart. Sure, it was great to be busy, but how long would that last? With no job to run to, what would she do to escape? She ate in silence for a few minutes, with Bandit at attention, hoping for something to drop. She soon took the plate back to the kitchen, filled Bandit’s bowl, and slumped back on the sofa.

  No Robert. No job. No Adam. Her life was footprints in the sand, washed away with the waves. A stab of regret pierced her. How had she managed to live twenty-nine years and make nothing of her life?

  A thump sounded. She glanced around, trying to pinpoint where it came from. A second thump. It was a sparrow trying to get in the window.

  Finally, the tears came. The emotions she shut up from the Christmas Eve service boiled over inside her. Like that sparrow, God wanted in. Not into her house, but into her heart. Could she risk letting Him? She had nothing now. What could she offer Him? Anne told her everything came from God. In the pictures she printed for Adam, the children clothed in rags had such joy, such peace in their faces.

  She thought of Anne, losing her father and her brother, yet still clinging to God. She thought of Adam. Sweet Adam, who lost his job, his reputation, his girl, but accepted it all as God’s will. He even forgave everyone.

  She wanted peace. She needed peace. She ran upstairs, grabbed Robert’s Bible, hugged it to her chest and prayed for real, for the first time since she could remember.

  “God, if You’re there, please help me. I’ve lost everything. I need You.”

  She opened the Bible and read the words on the page.

  Matthew 10:29-31. “Are not two sparrows sold for a penny? Yet not one of them will fall to the ground outside your Father’s care. And even the very hairs of your head are all numbered. Don’t be afraid; you are worth more than many sparrows.”

  Sobbing, she prayed desperately. “God, I know in my heart You’re real, You are there, but I don’t know how to let You in. Please show me. Show me You’re real, that You care.”

  The doorbell rang. Startled, she ran downstairs to answer, the Bible still grasped in her hand.

  Anne took one look at Kathryn and wrapped her in an enormous hug.

  “Anne, what are you doing here?”

  “Oh, Katie. I had this overwhelming sense I needed to be with you tonight.”

  “Anne, I just prayed for real for the first time since I was a kid.”

  “What did you pray for?”

  “That God would show me He cared. Then you showed up at my door and gave me a hug.”

  Tears now filled Anne’s eyes. “God used my arms to give you the hug He had for you.”

  Kathryn broke down again.

  Anne steered her to the sofa, where she waited for Kathryn to gain enough control to speak.

  “Anne, you have no idea what I’ve been through today.” She wiped her eyes with her sleeve. “I lost my job.”

  “Oh, Katie.”

  “There’s more. I called Adam to tell him, and found out he’s back together with Gina. Then I saw a sparrow trying to get in my window, just like the sparrows in Mark’s Christmas Eve story, and look what I just read in Robert’s Bible.”

  Anne took the Bible from Kathryn, her eyes widening when she read the passage. “Katie, God is trying to get your attention. When everything was going fine, you ignored him. When you lost Robert, you put everything into your job. Did that give you satisfaction?”

  “No.”

  “Now that’s gone too. Instead of focusing on what God’s taking away from you, look at the lengths He’s gone to in order to get your attention. He knew what you needed to hear on Christmas Eve, and tonight, when you needed a reminder, He sent a sparrow to your window. I can’t say what Adam’s role is in all of this, but He made your life a lot easier and happier this year.”

  Kathryn nodded, the tears still flowing. “If God’s always been with me and has never left me, why don’t I feel like you do? I don’t have peace.”

  “Because you’ve never accepted it,” Anne said. “If I gave you a Christmas present and you admired the wrapping paper but never opened it, you’d never experience the gift inside. God has a gift for you, but you’ve never opened it. Are you ready to do that now?”

  Kathryn hesitated. Things were about to change. Finally, she nodded. “I’m ready, Anne. I don’t know exactly what that means, but I don’t want to be empty anymore.”

  Anne reached out and took the Bible Kathryn was still clutching. She opened it to Romans 10:9 and showed the words to Kathryn.

  “If you declare with your mouth, ‘Jesus is Lord,’ and believe in your heart God raised him from the dead, you will be saved.”

  After Anne led Kathryn in prayer, the two women hugged for a long time. No longer were they only sisters by marriage, they were now sisters in Christ.

  “Oh, Katie. We’ve been praying for this day for so long. Can I tell Mark? He’ll be thrilled.”

  Kathryn nodded. “Yeah, that way he won’t be shocked if I show up to church once in a while. But please, don’t talk to Adam about me. I need some time to figure all this out.” She shook her head. “Then again, I’m not sure how much he’ll be around anyway. He’ll probably be moving back to Buffalo soon.”

  “You don’t know that.”

  “No, but it would make it easier. I don’t want to see him all over town with Gina.”

  “Yeah, I saw you took the tree down,” Anne said. “Katie, I’ll respect your privacy, but don’t jump to any conclusions. Are you sure Adam is getting back together with Gina? Did he say that?”

  “No, but Gina answered his phone. She was pretty clear about it.” Kathryn shook her head. “I don’t want to talk about Adam. It’s getting late. Emma will wake you up at the crack of dawn tomorrow. Thank you for being here, and for everything, but you better get home. Mark will worry.”

  23

  Surprisingly, sleep came easily to Kathryn that night. When she awoke to her alarm the next morning, she was shocked. With everything on her mind, she was amazed she slept at all, much less the whole night through. Was this what peace felt like?

  She took her time getting ready. Getting to work early didn’t matter anymore. She lingered over her morning coffee, sitting with Robert’s Bible. She opened it to John. Anne had told her to start there. It was fascinating. Bit by bit, she remembered pieces of stories from her childhood, but now it actually made sense. She reluctantly closed the Bible after several chapters and went to work.

  The mood in the building was understandably somber. Most people were talking in the break area, while some ambitious souls were at their desks searching the internet for new jobs.

  Shortly after settling herself at her desk, Gordon called her into his office. “You’re applying for one of the positions in Boston, aren’t you?”

  What was he talking about? “Boston?”

  “Yes, weren’t you paying attention at the meeting yesterday?”

  “I tuned out once I found out we were all getting fired. We’ve got sixty days to clean out the labs, and we’re done.”

  Gordon studied her, his thick eyebrows drawn together. “Kathryn, you’re the hardest working person in this department. Your social skills may be a bit lacking, but you’ve excelled here since day one. Don’t think I haven’t
noticed.” He paused for a big swig from his mug, coffee dripping from his mustache as he continued.

  “The company is transferring some of the research operations to the Boston site. There are four open chemist positions, and I’ve recommended you highly.” He leaned over the desk at her, his sour coffee breath penetrating her nostrils. “Don’t make me regret it.”

  Gordon settled back in his chair. “You need to fill out some paperwork and go talk to Nancy in HR. From what I understand, the job’s yours if you want it. There will be an interview, strictly a formality, I’m sure. You can fly out Saturday and check out the area over the weekend. Sunday night you’ll be dining with Darryl Hanson’s team, and you’ll spend Monday touring the facility and meeting with your new co-workers. Nancy will set it all up, and email you the details.”

  Kathryn didn’t even have time to process the fact she was losing her job, and now she was being offered another one. “I—I don’t know what to say,” she stammered.

  “Say ‘thank you, Gordon,’ and go talk to Nancy. Oh, and keep it quiet. We don’t want people to think it’s an unfair interview process, so don’t go telling anyone you got the job. Close the door behind you on the way out.” He waved his hand dismissively.

  Kathryn made her way back to her office, still stunned. Boston? She’d never even been there. She wasn’t sure she wanted to move 300 miles away. Pine Springs was home. Except for college and grad school, she’d lived in Pennsylvania her whole life. Was this how it worked? God said He’d take care of her, and now she had a job? It didn’t seem right.

  She went to get coffee to clear her head. Several of her co-workers were gathered in the break area. As she poured a cup of the steaming liquid, she became the center of attention.

  “Hey, Kathryn. Are you applying for one of the Boston jobs?” asked Li.

  “I’m not sure. I haven’t thought about it much,” she answered truthfully.

  “How can you not?” Tony, another chemist, asked. “I spent all day yesterday on the internet. The job market’s horrible right now. Everyone’s cutting research these days. I’m applying. I’ve got a family to feed.”

  “But it’s so far,” Kathryn protested.

  “So, what? It’s not like you have kids in school tying you to the area,” Tony replied. “My family won’t be happy, but I don’t have another choice.”

  “Hey, man, don’t encourage her to apply,” Li came back. “If she doesn’t put in for it, that’s one more chance for the rest of us.”

  Kathryn grabbed a couple of sugar packets and a spoon and headed back to her desk. Maybe they were right. She didn’t have anything keeping her here. She’d miss the Campbells, but she’d visit them, of course. There was one thing holding her back from filling out the paperwork. Adam. She needed to talk to him. Anne was right. She couldn’t take Gina’s word for it. She needed to hear it from him.

  She sat at her desk nursing her coffee. Maybe it was foolish, but before making any decisions, she wanted to talk to Adam. His voice would put her at ease. She headed into the lab to pass the time. She couldn’t talk to him on the jobsite before lunch.

  Kathryn put on her lab coat and gloves and opened her fume hood. She started rinsing flasks with acetone and placing them on the drying rack. This was crazy. She was pouring her career into the hazardous waste container. An ache settled into her chest. How could she be on the top of her job one day, and it all be gone the next? Was this what God was trying to teach her? Little by little, she erased the evidence that she ever worked in that lab.

  When the clock finally showed 12:00, she went to her desk and dialed Adam’s number. Her heart beat faster at the thought of talking to him.

  “Kathryn, hi,” Adam answered. His voice was warm and welcoming over a commotion in the background.

  “I wanted to talk to you about something,” she said. “What’s going on there?”

  Adam hesitated, and a muffled voice called out “Hey, hot thing, what do you want with this guy? I can show you what a real man can do.”

  “I, uh, my friend is here,” Adam said. “We’re heading out to grab a quick lunch, but I’ll call you tonight.”

  It didn’t take much to figure out who was meeting him for lunch. She had her answer.

  “No, that’s fine. I figured out what I’m going to do. Enjoy your lunch.” She disconnected before he noticed the quavering in her voice. That was it. He was spending all his time with Gina now. She’d lost him.

  She wasn’t sure she’d ever had him. Adam never promised her anything but friendship. She thought she’d seen more in his eyes, but that was before he went back home for Christmas. Back home to Gina. Of course, he would choose her, given the chance. What man wouldn’t? She’d seen the pictures. Gina was gorgeous. Kathryn couldn’t compete with her. Besides, they were almost married. He and Gina had a history together.

  She knew now what she would do. She couldn’t stay here, not if Adam and Gina were here. She couldn’t bear seeing him with another woman. As much as she’d tried to downplay her feelings for him, there was no denying it. That smile, those eyes, his arms around her… As the tears threatened to fall, she stiffened her resolve and went to find Nancy. It was time to fill out the paperwork for the Boston position.

  ~*~

  “Hey, Mark. It’s Kathryn.”

  “Hey Kathryn. Anne tells me you’ve been doing some serious praying. I’m happy for you. Will you be in church on Sunday?”

  “That’s kind of what I’m calling to talk to you about,” Kathryn said. “I have to go to Boston this weekend.”

  “Oh, OK. Why Boston?” Mark asked.

  “The company that is taking over M. K. is up there, and I have a job interview. I was wondering if you guys could watch Bandit for me.”

  Mark was silent for a moment. “Of course, we can watch the dog. The kids would love that, but Katie?”

  “Yes?”

  “Have you prayed about this? Are you sure moving to Boston is the Lord’s will for you?” When Kathryn didn’t answer right away, Mark continued. “Take the trip this weekend, check it out, but don’t make any decisions until you know God is in it. Make sure you’re not using it as an excuse to run away.”

  Kathryn stiffened. “Why would I be running away?”

  “I haven’t forgotten our talk a while back. I hope you haven’t either.”

  It was like a slap in the face. Would she ever be free of her past? It was just a chance to keep her job. Couldn’t Mark understand that?

  “I will never forget that talk. I will never forget that part of my life. This is a chance for me to move on.”

  “You’re sure you’re not in any danger?”

  Was she? She couldn’t tell Mark she would never be sure.

  “Yes. Everything is fine. This has nothing to do with anything from my past. Thanks for agreeing to watch Bandit. I’ll come by on Saturday before I go to the airport.”

  Kathryn fell back against the sofa. With her head in her hands, she let out a groan. What was she doing? Mark was right. She would always be running away from her past. She would never be able to forgive herself for what happened in California. Maybe, just maybe, if she could finish this project, it would make up for some of what she did. But still, she wasn’t running away by moving to Boston. Her job was getting transferred, that’s all. It happened to people all the time.

  Standing and stretching, she grabbed her coat and Bandit’s leash. He was at her feet within seconds. They needed some exercise. She walked out the front door, and forced herself to go in the opposite direction, away from the coffee shop. She didn’t need any more reminders of what she was leaving behind. The air was cold, and she zipped her coat up to her chin. She walked only long enough for Bandit to do his business, and hurried back to the comfort of the warm house.

  As she hung up Bandit’s leash, her phone rang. Adam. She let it go to voicemail but listened to the message as soon as it came through.

  “Sorry I couldn’t talk to you at lunchtime today. Would you
like to get together tomorrow night? I’d love to see you. Give me a call when you get a chance.”

  Was he serious? Was he planning on dating both of them? No, he only ever wanted to be friends with her. He probably wanted to tell her about his happy ending with Gina.

  She glanced at her calendar before replying. Tomorrow night was her first cooking class. She’d forgotten all about it. Perfect. Now she could turn Adam down honestly. She sent off a quick text.

  “Tomorrow night I have class, and I’ll be out of town this weekend. Things are busy right now.”

  ~*~

  Adam read the message twice. It was hard to tell someone’s mood from a text, but Kathryn didn’t sound as if she wanted anything to do with him. Class, what class? And where was she going for the weekend? What happened? He used to know everything going on in her life. Now she was blowing him off. But why?

  The last time they were together was the night he gave her Bandit. Her eyes sparkled with delight as she played with the little dog. Maybe his part in her life was over. Maybe God only put them together for a season, when she needed a friend most. If that was all the part he was meant to play in her life, why did he keep thinking about her all the time?

  “God, I know I’m not supposed to be involved with an unbeliever. If You want me to stay away from Kathryn, I will. I need to trust You, but my feelings for her are getting stronger all the time. Please, guide me.”

  24

  Kathryn sat staring at her computer screen when footsteps approached.

  “Kathryn?”

  Kathryn swiveled in her chair. “Hi, Sarah. What’s up?”

  “Since things aren’t busy around here, would you like to get some lunch with me today?” Sarah asked.

  Kathryn hesitated, but only for a second. “Sure, I’d love to.”

  At lunch, the two women fell into easy conversation, but Kathryn needed to clear the air.

  “Sarah, I want to apologize to you. You’ve been nothing but kind to me this past year, and I’ve not been very friendly.”