The Complete Adventures of Victoria Neaves & Romney

by Michael White

“A work of genius no doubt.” said Jacob, “Though there is no need to search for the ledger. I remember this piece quite clearly. It is a work of intricate design and highly advanced technology as I am sure that you are aware. Hugo does tend to work miracles for us on an almost ongoing basis I must say. Heaven only knows how he does it. I believe that the synchronisation of the movement of the legs on this device alone took weeks to get right.”

  “Oh that it is quite a work of art is without doubt.” said Victoria, taking the spider from Jacob and placing it carefully back inside her bag, “Though I would be obliged if you could confirm for me by checking the ledger that the purchaser and indeed patron for this mechanical spider was a Mister Nigel Cavendish then I would be greatly obliged.”

  “Of course.” Sniffed Jacob and slipped from the room quietly closing the door behind him.

  “Awww. I think you’ve upset him.” said Romney in her thoughts and she suppressed a smile.

  “I don’t care.” she replied silently, “Besides. We know Cavendish commissioned the device. The fact that Cavendish is dead is irrelevant. It just ties up a few loose ends for Inspector Vaillant really.”

  They sat in silence sipping at tea for several moments until Jacob reappeared carrying a piece of paper which he pushed onto the table in front of her. Victoria looked at it and smiled.

  “If I may take this with me I would be greatly obliged.” she said and Jacob nodded.

  “I have a copy in the ledger. If you could return it when you are finished with it though then I would be very grateful.” Victoria nodded and folding the paper in half placed that in her bag too. She placed the bag on the floor, kicking it slightly out of the way as she did so.

  “I hate carrying a handbag.” she said in her thoughts and Romney chuckled before replying,

  “You said it enhances your appearance to that of a woman who may just possibly require assistance.” he said, “Don’t be complaining now.”

  “Just such a waste of time.” she grumbled.

  “So will that be all then?” asked Tobias, “Perhaps some idea of the order that you are referring to may be useful.” He raised an eyebrow in anticipation.

  “Oh of course that is not all.” sniffed Victoria haughtily, looking at Tobias and then Jacob too as if they were both naughty school children, “Now I wish to see Mister Topping himself.”

  Jacob and Tobias both drew a deep breath.

  “Oh Hugo Topping does not see visitors.” said Jacob, “Not after the incident with the tax inspector, the jet propellant tank and the monkey. Took the labourers weeks to get rid of the smell of bananas.”

  “Besides. He finds it rather distracting.” said Tobias forcefully.

  “I think you misunderstand me gentlemen.” she said, smiling sweetly as she did so. “I have spent an extraordinary amount of time with the oily rags. Now I want to see the engineer.”

  The two men looked shocked but from nearby there came a sudden loud bang and the entire room shook, dust falling from the ceiling and the glass in the door frame rattled loudly. Small puffs of smoke appeared from underneath the door and wafted about the room languidly as if trying to find somewhere to sit. Finding no seat vacant the smoke drifted about the ceiling as if in a sulk instead, like small grey and black clouds of discontent wafting about the room idly. Nobody moved.

  ‘What was that?” said Victoria.

  “No idea.” said Tobias looking to Jacob for reassurance.

  “I will go check.” said Jacob, turning on his heels and entering a code into the keypad beside the large metal door which slid open silently, smoke wafting in through the now open door in huge gusts.

  “I will help.” said Victoria, standing and moving rapidly through the door and following Jacob before Tobias could even blink.

  “Come back!” she heard him shout but Victoria was already inside the workshop, watching as Jacob stood waving his arms about him uselessly in a vain attempt to disperse the thick clouds of smoke that seemed to fill the air. Victoria followed him further into the room. As they stood there the thick clouds of grey and black smoke rolled towards them and Jacob began to cough loudly. Victoria however simply held her breath.

  “I would wait outside if I were you.” She said and Jacob nodded and gratefully obliged, slamming the metal door shut behind him.

  She walked into the large room. It was difficult to say precisely how large however because of the smoke but it looked like a huge workshop. The smoke began to settle about the floor and now she could see that the far end of the workshop had a circular, cylindrical roof, though at the end at which she stood there was a row of long wooden workbenches festooned with tools and vices, flames and forges. From beneath one of the benches came a loud groan and Victoria approached the bench. Underneath it lay a man, looking at her through round circular glasses, the lenses of which were so thick the man's eyes looked like two large blue sapphires that peered at her in disbelief.

  “Wait a moment.” said Victoria, “I will soon have that thing off you.” The man gasped and looked at her curiously.

  “I suspect you may require some assistance my dear.” he smiled. “This is rather heavy I am afraid.”

  “Really?” said Victoria, leaning forward and lifting the bench from the ground with one hand. She spun around and almost casually threw the entire wooden and metal table through the air. It came to a crashing halt as it fell to the ground in an empty space on the other side of the workshop.

  “I say!” said the man loudly, shaking his head and standing, “What a lift! That bench weighs more than five of you I would estimate. How on Earth did you do that?”

  “Oh I have enjoyed a hearty breakfast.” smiled Victoria and the man looked at her in even more confusion than before. Victoria took a good look at him. He was tall; perhaps six feet in height, his frame broad. His hair was parted on the left and flopped uneasily down the side of his head, the thick glasses giving him an almost eager look as if he was a man who would not have much patience in waiting for others to catch him up.

  He wore a long badly burnt white laboratory coat and his shoes appeared to be carpet slippers of some kind, or had been once, for now they were blackened and burnt, barely clinging to his feet as if they were trying to save them from some horrible fate but the odds were all against them.

  “I see.” he said, holding out his hand to her. “Hugo Topping.” he said. “Sorry about the smoke.”

  “Victoria Neaves.” said Victoria shaking the man’s hand cautiously. He had a strong grip but controlled it perfectly, “And the smoke does not bother me at all.”

  “Excellent.” he said, releasing her hand and wandering back to the nearest bench, leaning against it as he did so.

  “Indeed.” said Victoria, “I am here to commission a new piece and Tobias thought it useful if I introduced myself to you.” she lied, “What is it you were working on?”

  “I see.” he said, squinting at her. “Just this and that really.” said Hugo, “In fact I was actually trying to refine my latest honey marmalade recipe. It really is becoming frightfully dangerous to do so it would appear.”

  “You have more than one recipe for marmalade then?” grinned Victoria and the man nodded eagerly, the thick glasses flopping about his head as he did so.

  “Of course. The last one tended to melt the glass jar so I thought it needed refining.”

  “I can see how that would be a disadvantage,” said Victoria. “Quite some laboratory you have here, Mister Topping.” she said.

  “More a workshop really.” the man smiled, “Laboratory is too fine a word I think.”

  “Well whatever you want to call it it looks very grand.” she said, her eyes following the circular arch of the roof at the far end of the room. It looked solid and sturdy, if not a little odd in shape and dimensions.

  “Romney.” she said in her thoughts, “Scan the workshop for any strange tech.”

  “Define strange.” said Romney, “Do you mean stranger than this loon Topping or what?”


  “Cheeky.” tutted Victoria. “Just anything unusual.”

  “Okay.” sighed Romney, “May take a while.”

  ‘That’s fine.” she said as Topping walked a pace away and then spun on his heels.

  “Do you know that the only letter not represented in the periodic table is the letter “J”?” he spluttered.

  “I didn’t know that, no.” she smiled.

  “Well. It is correct. I strive to one day discover a new element so I can call it on entry loop level additional command, “Jurium””.

  “Or Jumon.” laughed Victoria, feeling briefly dizzy as the smoke continued to bellow about in pockets about the room. Topping laughed, slapping his knee as he did so. Romney spoke to her casually.

  “Can’t see anything in particular.” he said in her mind, “Though there are a few things I cannot make out. Probably the smoke obscuring my scan.”

  “Okay.” said Victoria, regaining her equilibrium “Thanks. Topping seems pretty harmless. I can see how Cavendish could have easily misled him. Especially as our friend Cavendish was working on the accounts side of things here.”

  “Cavendish was no friend of ours!” laughed Romney, “Though I will agree that Topping looks like an eccentric old bugger who also happens to be a bit of a whizz with the old miniaturised mechanics.” laughed Romney.

  “Yes.” said Victoria, “Though I think I have seen enough now. We can go.”

  “Jeranium.” said Topping, seeming to be still stuck on the same subject, laughing as he did so before wrinkling his nose. “May get confused with the plant of the same name though, even if it is spelt differently.”

  “Well it has been delightful Mister Topping.” said Victoria, holding out her hand and letting the factory owner shake it, “But I must go. I have several more calls to make.” she lied.

  “Of course.” said Topping. but his attention had already wandered to a bench near to hand upon which sat a small clockwork engine. Victoria made her way out of the laboratory and several minutes later having ensured both Tobias and to some degree Jacob that they would be in touch shortly with details of the top secret (and completely non-existent) order she found herself back in the steam wagon, the factory receding behind her as she drove across the thin meandering road that led from Crickenden Broadwick and would eventually lead her to her home in Little Cookham.

  “Strange place to have a factory really.” said Romney as the countryside flashed past, the steam wagon being driven as usual slightly faster than perhaps it should be.

  “What do you mean?” asked Victoria.

  “Well the factory has no transport links. It is just outside Crickenden Broadwick which is the kind of town where they are saving up for a horse, never mind owning one. It is like the factory was just built in the middle of nowhere for no reason at all.”

  “Perhaps it is a civilian safety thing.” mused Victoria, “Can’t be safe for Topping to be blowing things up on a regular basis if people live nearby.”

  “Well if you say so, boss.” said Romney. “Just seems odd to me that’s all.”

  “You need to curb your natural suspicion my friend.” she laughed and Romney tutted. Easing herself back in the seat of the steam wagon she squeezed the accelerator pedal just a little bit harder.

  ***

  Victoria watched as Viktor placed the teacup in front of her and with a bow of his head backed away from the table and stood to one side.

  “Vill there be anything else, Miss Neaves?” he asked and Victoria shook her head.

  “Thank you Viktor.” she said and the tall man left the room slowly as if he had all of the time in the world, which as long as the very securely wrapped large brown parcels continued to arrive from Doctor Finlayson’s supplies shop was quite possibly the case.

  “There have been three incidents so far.” said Inspector Vaillant who was perched on the chair facing her, cup already in hand. “Three months ago the thief stole a diamond necklace from the home of Lady Phillips in West Marden, a piece of spectacular beauty. This was followed but a few days later by the theft of a particularly splendid set of diamond earrings from the home of Lady Faulkner in Northup Chepstow.”

  “I see.” said Victoria, picking up her cup and taking a small sip of tea, “The last robbery - yesterday evening you said - is somewhat of an escalation though it would appear?”

  “Indeed.” formed the Inspector, “The defence systems at the home of Lord Hillingdon are especially advanced, yet somehow the thief managed to successfully circumnavigate them all.”

  “And stole?”

  “The star of Ashida.” said the Inspector, “A huge diamond from the India’s of inestimable value. Quite frankly Miss Neaves it seems impossible that it has been stolen.”

  “Yet stolen it has been.” she smiled, noticing the Inspector looked completely lost at the case that had fallen his way. “Or you would not be sitting here, would you not?”

  “Indeed.” he said, blushing slightly. “The room was pressure pad controlled, armed by three automata with pulse beam technology that was as near as foolproof as could be. Yet somehow this was not enough.”

  “What happened to the automata?” she asked.

  “We have no idea. Lord Hillingdon has asked for consultants from the city to data sort them to discover the fault. All that we know for certain is that two of them were destroyed by the third automaton which in itself was rendered inoperable. The thief seemed to descend through the skylight somehow.”

  “The weakest point.” sighed Victoria, sipping more tea, “Tell me Inspector. What makes you think that these crimes are all linked? Apart obviously from the fact that all of the thefts were of diamonds?”

  The Inspector blushed and reaching into his jacket pulled three identical what looked like business cards from an inside pocket, spreading them out on the table before them. They all bore exactly the same message. In large black letters it read, “You have rather sadly been relieved of your most precious item(s). Yours, The Clockwork Thief.” The letter “s” had clearly been scribbled out in black ink on all but one of them.

  “I see.” said Victoria. “The Clockwork Thief. How wonderful. I do like an adversary. I take it that the thief left behind no traces of any devices he used or the like?”

  “None.” said the Inspector as out of the corner of her eye Victoria noticed Viktor slide back into the room, and approaching the windowsill began shuffling flower pots on the window ledge. He paused for a while and then took one off the ledge, and rearranging the remaining two, left the room quickly with it. The Inspector could see none of this as he had his back to the window, but Victoria watched him, finding one eyebrow rising as Viktor closed the door to the lounge silently behind him again.

  “What on Earth is he doing?” she asked Romney in her mind, her demon assistant chuckling as she asked.

  “He has discovered Feng Shui.” sighed the demon in reply into her head. “He insists that by “de-cluttering” the house he is bringing peace and harmony to the surroundings, aiding every person’s ability to relax and to be in harmony with the room,”

  “Really?” sighed Victoria, “All that from one flowerpot? How wonderful.”

  “Oh it’s not just one flowerpot.” laughed Romney, “He’s also removed twelve of the fifteen seats from the passenger cabin of our zeppelin cruiser. Says it makes the space more efficient.”

  “Even if everyone has to stand?” she asked incredulously.

  “Well you would have to ask him that.” said Romney, “I am surprised you haven’t noticed already really. Didn’t you wonder where your large oak wardrobe has gone?”

  Victoria sat looking at the Inspector who had no clue at all that a conversation was going on, a smile fixed upon her face.

  “I will have a word.” said Victoria sternly as Romney laughed in her head. “So Inspector.” she said, concentrating on the man in front of her. “Diamonds stolen, business cards left, and three automata easily side-stepped as if they had not there in the first place
. I will need the results of the examination of those automaton as soon as you have it.”

  “And that you shall!” said Vaillant and Victoria nodded slowly as if gathering her thoughts.

  “Where will he strike next?” she asked, raising an eyebrow again.

  “Well that is what we hoped you could come up with really.” said the Inspector, looking vaguely shame faced that he did not seem to have any idea of where the Clockwork Thief was going to strike again. She paused, thinking through her options.

  “I propose that we could set a trap for him, but before we do that I do seem to recall reading something somewhere about the Wilmslow Roscoe's over at Little Hetherington receiving a visit from some bigwig from London this weekend. I suspect there will be a lot of jewelry on show there. Perhaps that will be a good place to start.”

  “I can arrange police coverage.” said Vaillant but Victoria shook her head.

  “Let me have a look at it first, Inspector.” she said, “I only need to encounter this chap once and I am sure that I will have the thief in chains.”

  “I hope so, miss Neaves.” he said. “I really do hope so. There’s nothing worse than our betters getting anxious. The bad stuff after all always does roll downhill.”

  Victoria smiled, but did not comment. “Indeed it does, Inspector.” she said, for some reason the picture of Viktor moving her large oak wardrobe to wherever it was that he had put it sprang to mind. “Indeed it does.”

  ***

  Victoria stood in the shadow of the chimney pot, bright moonlight shining across the wet tiles of the roof. Below steam wagons arrived at the home of the Wilmslow Roscoe's regularly, their bright headlights illuminating the drive before dropping their passengers at the brightly lit entrance of the stately home. From inside the mansion many voices could be heard, and somewhere a string quartet were playing, the music drifting away into the cold wet night.

  “We going to stay here all night, boss?” asked Romney in her head.

  “Certainly as long as the ball is on.” she sniffed, rain running across the black jump suit she wore, a slim belt around her waist, a bandolier across her chest. She did not move at all, the chimney pot hiding her from anyone who dared to climb up onto the roof as well as from the party goers both inside and outside the mansion below. “As long as there are guests below then there will also be diamonds.”