Caroline's Purpose

by Erica Zaborac

  “Nothing is wrong. I do this every night. Look out over everything and remember how blessed I am to live this life. This, right here, is my favorite view.”

  Caroline looked out again, this time not looking for something wrong, but appreciating it for what it was. “It is beautiful.”

  “Caroline, is it okay if I pray?”

  She studied him and saw the sadness still clinging to his eyes. If praying was what he needed to do, she wouldn’t get in his way. “Sure.”

  Connor took her hand before he closed his eyes and began. “Lord, thank you for this day and for keeping us safe. Thank you that Caroline was here to calm Edison down, and thank you for her friendship. I haven’t been able to talk about Emily in a long time, and I needed to. Please help us remember You have a purpose for us, even through all of the pain and loss that we can’t understand. In Your name I pray, Amen.”

  Connor opened his eyes and looked at her. “Thank you.”

  “You’re welcome. For what it’s worth, I’m glad I was here tonight.”

  Connor smiled as he let her in the front door of the house. All of the lights were off, except for one in the kitchen, and one over the stairs. “My mom left you some clothes on the bed in the guest room,” Connor told her as they headed up. “If you need anything else, I’m right across the hall.”

  “Okay, thank you.”

  “You’re welcome. Goodnight, Caroline.”

  “Goodnight, Connor.”

  Inside the guest room, Caroline fingered the clothes on the bed, then padded across the carpet to the window. The room was right above the porch, so she had the same view Connor had just told her was his favorite.

  She stood there, staring out of the damp glass, replaying everything he had told her. He was right, he did understand why she didn’t believe anymore. He understood more about her than she had ever thought someone could. Maybe one day she would be able to tell him the truth, tell him her own story.

  And maybe one day, he’d be able to help her believe again.

  Twenty-One

  The sunlight dancing through the leaves of the trees erased every reminder of the storm that had rattled the barns two days before. All the rain and wind had left behind was the clean, crisp smell of autumn. Caroline was back at Connor’s, helping him and his parents finish the last-minute details before their open house started.

  Caroline sneaked away from the breeding barn, where everything would take place, to spend just a few minutes with Edison. She was grateful that guests to the open house would be kept out of the stallion barn. The chestnut horse was doing well, but Caroline didn’t want strangers roaming through and upsetting him.

  Her footsteps echoed down the aisle as she headed for his stall. She reached into her back pocket and pulled out the carrot she had grabbed for him from the bucket on one of the tables. Edison popped his head over the stall door, nickering at her and bobbing his head.

  “Hi, big guy. How’s it going? You think this is for you?” Caroline snapped the carrot in half, leaving her palm flat as Edison pulled it into his mouth. He crunched away, then reached for the rest of it. “Alright, alright, there ya go, bud.”

  “How did I know I’d find you in here?” Connor called as he walked down the aisle.

  “Probably because I’m predictable. I’m sorry. I just wanted to see him before everything got started out there.”

  “So, you weren’t planning on hiding out in here the whole time?” Connor grinned as he stopped beside her.

  “Well…I won’t lie, the thought did occur to me. But only because I don’t want anyone to scare him.” Caroline gave Connor her best innocent smile.

  “Ahh, I see. I promise he’ll be okay. We won’t let anyone in. We have a book in the barn with all of the stallion information, pictures, and pedigrees. If someone really wants to see one, my dad will come get him, and show him outside the barn. And if anyone asks for Edison, we’re just going to say he’s not available today, which people should understand, considering everything he’s been through.”

  Caroline gave Edison one last look. “Alright. I’ll see you later then, buddy.”

  “Come on, people are starting to show up. We should get some food before all of the good stuff is gone.” They walked side by side back to the breeding barn, their elbows brushing every few steps.

  Connor handed Caroline a plate as they got in line. She grabbed a few pieces of fruit, cheese, and crackers, and followed him to Dream’s stall.

  Caroline’s affection had grown for the mare since Connor had told her everything. She put one hand on the mare’s long blaze. She could imagine that the pain of losing your owner, your person, had to mirror everything she felt in losing Beau.

  “What are you thinking about?” Connor asked her in between bites. “You looked pretty deep in thought there.”

  Caroline swallowed, not looking away from Dream as she answered. “Just that it had to be hard on her, too, losing Emily.”

  Connor put his hand over Caroline’s. “It was. It took her a long time to get over it. And there are days I think she still misses her.”

  “I’m sure she does, too.” Caroline met Connor’s eyes, seeing that his emotions matched her own. He would understand you. You should just tell him. She licked her lips. “Connor, I’m…I’m—”

  “Hey, Connor! I was hoping I’d run into you. How’s school going?” A tall gentleman wearing a large cowboy hat interrupted her. Caroline closed her mouth.

  She could tell Connor wanted to know what she was going to say, but he tore his gaze away from her. “Mr. Erickson, it’s good to see you. School is going great. I’m really enjoying the equine program.”

  “I knew you would. You are your father’s son. Now, listen. I was talking with your dad a few weeks back, and he told me you guys have a mare in foal to Southern Comfort. I love that stallion and all his progeny. Is she in this barn? Could you show her to me?”

  Connor glanced at Caroline, so she nodded her head. “I’ll wait here. You go ahead.”

  “Thank you.” Connor turned back to Mr. Erickson. “Sure thing. She’s right down here. I can show you her pedigree, too, if you’d like.”

  Caroline smiled as she listened to Connor talk about everything he knew about the mare, the stallion, and what the foal should be like based on the crossing. He had found his purpose, the plan for his life. Even after all he’d been through.

  Maybe there was still hope for her.

  “Caroline? Caroline Davis?” A female voice spoke from beside her. Caroline turned, and all of the blood drained from her face.

  “It is you! Honey, how are you? I didn’t realize you had started riding again! Is your mom here, too?” The woman pulled Caroline into a hug. Caroline went through the motions to hug her back.

  “Hi, Mrs. Richardson,” Caroline muttered into the shoulder of one of her mother’s longtime clients. “No, Mom isn’t here.”

  Mrs. Richardson released her from the hug, making eye contact. “What brings you here, then?”

  Caroline gulped. “I’m, um, a friend of Connor Taylor’s. He invited me.”

  “Oh, how wonderful! I hear he’s a lovely young man. You’ll have to introduce me to him. I have a few horses I want to see, but we’ll have to catch up later, okay? I’ll be sure to find you.” She waved at Caroline as she walked away.

  Caroline felt cold, clammy sweat beading at the back of her neck. She looked around the barn, searching for the bathroom. She found the sign, right next to the feed room.

  Flipping on the light, she locked the door behind her. She grabbed a paper towel, wetting it with cold water from the sink. Placing it on the back of her neck, she closed her eyes and forced herself to breathe.

  You should have considered the possibility someone would recognize you. Why are you even here?

  Two faces appeared in her head as she asked herself that question. Edison. And Connor.

  Edison needed her. And she was beginning to admit to herself, she needed him, too. He was helping
her find her way back.

  And Connor. He knew pain and how to overcome it. He had found a purpose. She needed him to show her how.

  They were the reasons she was here.

  Connor. She needed to find him, and she needed to tell him everything before Mrs. Richardson did.

  Caroline threw away the paper towel, unlocked the door, and stepped back into the barn aisle. She looked through the crowd but couldn’t find him anywhere. Reaching for her phone, she realized a quick text would be her best option.

  12:54 PM: Can you meet me at Edison’s stall? There’s something I need to tell you.

  As she hit send, hoof beats pounded outside the barn. Everyone crowded into the doorway, straining to see the loose horse.

  Caroline followed, thinking this would be her moment to get to the stallion barn unseen. But when the flash of red streaked by the door, panic filled her stomach.

  She pushed her way past everyone to the front of the crowd, confirming for herself that Edison was the loose horse. Connor, his dad, and a few stable hands were already at work trying to catch him.

  He was beautiful. He moved with beauty and grace; his tail arched over his back as he avoided the men with ease.

  Edison paused for a moment, letting Connor get closer. He had a halter in his hand, and Caroline watched as he approached him like she had that first day, extending his arm out, letting Edison smell him. But Edison wasn’t ready.

  He spun away from Connor, leaping in the air and kicking out, missing Connor by inches, sending him to the ground. Caroline ran from the barn, heading for Connor, but Edison saw her first.

  He whinnied, galloping straight for her. Caroline froze, fearing that he was going too fast to stop, thinking he would run her over for sure. She lifted her hands out to her side, hoping that would help. “Whoa,” she breathed.

  Edison skidded to a stop in front of her. Caroline kept her eyes down, and her voice low, as she stepped to the side, approaching his shoulder. “Easy, bud. Just relax. No one is going to hurt you.”

  Caroline stretched out her arm and rubbed him with her knuckles, as she had before. Edison twitched and arched his neck, but he didn’t run. “Thatta boy. Just stay with me here, okay?”

  Connor walked up behind her. “Caroline, here, you better put it on him. I don’t think he’ll let me.”

  Caroline reached behind with her free hand, opening her palm for the halter. When she felt the leather in her hand, she closed her fingers around it. She pulled it around in front of her. Edison snorted.

  “Hey now, it’s okay. It’s just me. We’re gonna put this on you and get you back to your stall.” Edison looked at her sideways as she guided the halter onto his head, buckling it by his ear. She took a step back and started to walk him toward his barn.

  Edison tossed his head in protest to the pressure on the lead rope. Caroline looked up at his eyes and saw a familiar expression. Anger and panic filled his face and he jerked, pulling at the rope in her hand, trying to regain his freedom. He reared, pawing at the air. The sudden movement knocked her off her feet.

  “Edison, whoa!” Caroline gripped at the rope as she struggled to get up. She managed to stand as Edison landed and put her hand on his neck to calm him down, to keep him from going up again.

  “Caroline, are you okay?” Connor put his hand on her shoulder.

  Her throat was closing, and no audible words came out of her mouth. Dark circles closed in around her, impairing her sight. She tried to blink them away, but a picture from her past flooded her vision.

  The horse’s emotions were the same, but he was gray instead of red. He was lying on his side, thrashing and screaming as he tried to get up. Caroline was on the ground next to him, struggling to get up herself, but she couldn’t. His weight on her legs was too great, and her left foot was caught in the stirrup underneath him. She tried to soothe him, but their pain had been too extreme.

  “Caroline?” Connor stepped to the side of her, the memory dissipating as he came into her sight. “What’s wrong?”

  “Let’s just get him back to the barn,” Caroline whispered as she started to walk, being careful not to put any pressure on the rope this time. Edison followed her, still on edge, but his eyes were quieter.

  Connor stayed at her elbow, one eye on her and one eye on Edison as they walked him to the barn. Murmurs echoed through the crowd, but the onlookers stayed quiet and respected their space. The stallion behaved, but Caroline didn’t try to take a breath until she was on the other side of his stall door.

  Even then she still couldn’t breathe. She began gasping for air, grasping Connor’s hand as she tried to keep from collapsing.

  “What is it? What’s wrong? Are you hurt?” Connor held onto her hand.

  Caroline could only shake her head, communicating she couldn’t speak, as she bent forward at the waist. Connor put his other hand on her back, trying to help her relax.

  Caroline wasn’t sure how much time passed before she was able to draw a full breath. Straightening, she looked at Connor, tears falling from her eyes. “I…I should go.”

  Connor squeezed her fingers. “No, please, wait. Talk to me. What’s wrong?”

  Caroline hesitated, looking into his eyes, her heart breaking as she longed to tell him everything. “Connor…I’m sorry. I can’t. I just, can’t.”

  Tears poured down her face as she ran as fast as she could to her car, not looking back as she ignored Edison’s confused whinnies.

  And the pleading sound of Connor calling her name.

  Twenty-Two

  Connor felt helpless as he watched Caroline’s trembling hands and looked into her fearful eyes and flushed face. She had struggled to take notes during the lecture, and she was doing as little as possible with Luna. It was obvious to him she was back—the Caroline from the beginning of the semester.

  And more than anything, he wanted to know why.

  She had come so far, and maybe he had been imagining it, but she had started to bond and build a relationship with Edison.

  And with him.

  Connor ran his hand through his hair, watching as Caroline tried to back Luna through the L-shaped poles. Just the other day, she had done it without making a mistake. But today, Luna was confused by her shaking. She was trying to understand, but Caroline’s signals weren’t clear. She kept stepping over the pole.

  “Can I help?” Connor pushed away from the fence.

  Caroline’s eyes snapped up to his, but just for a moment. “Do you want to just take her?”

  “No, you’re doing okay. She’s trying really hard to do what you want.”

  “Connor, please?” Her eyes held tears as she asked.

  His heart softened at her sadness. “Will you try one more time? For me? I’ll be right here.”

  Caroline bit her lip but nodded her head.

  At least she still trusts me, Connor thought to himself as he stepped right behind Caroline. “I’m going to put my hand over yours on the lead rope. You guide her, but I’ll just be here to help steady her, okay? Kind of like what we did with Edison.”

  Caroline gasped at the sound of the stallion’s name, but she didn’t object as Connor reached for her hand. Together, they were able to back Luna through the poles. The filly sighed in relief as she cleared the last one.

  “Alright, guys, that’s a wrap for today. Let’s take them back to the field.” Dr. Carnes called out before heading for the gate.

  “Now will you take her?” Caroline whispered, her knuckles white.

  “Yeah, but will you wait for me? In the parking lot?”

  Caroline looked into his eyes. “Yeah, I will.”

  “Thank you.”

  She nodded her head, turning and heading for the classroom. Connor got in line, joining the parade of weanlings heading for the pasture.

  He gave Luna a few extra scratches on her neck as he took off her halter. “Thank you for being so good.” Luna licked her lips before trotting away to join her friends.

  Connor s
wung the halter over his shoulder, sighing as he latched the gate to the field. He took his time walking back to the barn, gathering his thoughts as he put the halter away and grabbed his backpack. As his eyes lifted to the parking lot, he found Caroline sitting on the tailgate of his truck, her arms folded across her midsection as she stared down at her knees.

  God, she looks so sad. Please, make her want to talk to me. Help me say the right words.

  Connor tossed his backpack in the passenger seat of his truck, then went around and sat down next to Caroline. He looked at her, waiting for her to say something, anything, but she continued to stare down.

  “What did you want to tell me?”

  Caroline lifted her chin, confusion wrinkling her eyebrows. “What do you mean?”

  “Yesterday. Before Edison got out. You had sent me a text asking me to meet you at his stall because you needed to tell me something.”

  “Oh.” Caroline blinked. She swallowed, pressing her lips together. “I guess it doesn’t really matter anymore.”

  Connor strained to hear her whispered words. “I’m sure it does. Caroline, please talk to me.”

  “Connor, I can’t. I can’t do this.” She jumped down, swinging her bag over her shoulder and taking a few steps toward her car.

  “What can’t you do?” Connor gripped the edge of the tailgate, forcing himself not to run after her.

  “Whatever this is.” Her hands gestured between the two of them as she turned back to face him. “Or horses. I just can’t do it. I’ll try to finish the semester, but that’s it.”

  Connor let the silence settle between them. He tilted his head, studying her. Her eyes found his, and the pain he saw there was more than he could take. He slid down and walked to her.

  “Caroline…I know about you, and your accident.” He kept his eyes and his voice soft and kind as he spoke.

  All of the color drained from Caroline’s face. “Mrs. Richardson found you?”

  “Who?” Connor reached for her hand.

  “Mrs. Richardson. She was at the open house. She recognized me. That’s why I texted you. I didn’t want her to tell you before I could. But you didn’t talk to her?”