Caroline's Purpose

by Erica Zaborac

“Thanks. I used to do a lot of scrapbooking, and this kind of feels like that.”

  “Used to? How come not anymore?”

  Caroline adjusted the last picture onto the board. “I guess I’m not doing anything worth scrapbooking these days.”

  “What do you mean?”

  “Like softball and uh…just stuff like that. I’ve kinda lost everything that I used to get pictures of.” Caroline shrugged her shoulders.

  Connor nodded his head, feeling the weight of her words, and of the ones she left unsaid. “Maybe you could make one for this semester. You already have all the pictures.”

  Caroline tilted her head as she studied their display, blinking a few times as she took it all in. “Yeah, maybe.”

  They were quiet for a few minutes as Connor finished gluing everything down. He kept glancing at her, wondering if it was time he let her know he knew about her accident. To let her know she didn’t have to hide that part of her past.

  He stood the board up on the island. They both stepped back across the kitchen, so they could see it from a distance.

  “I’d say it looks pretty good,” Caroline said first. “What do you think?” She turned her head to the side to look at him.

  “I’d say it looks great. Thanks to you.” Connor nudged her with his elbow.

  Caroline smiled as she nudged him back. “Not just me. We did it together.”

  Connor nodded his head, his mind made up that they were close enough friends now that he could ask her about her accident, and what had brought her back to horses after so much time. He walked back to his stool at the island and swallowed a drink of water from his glass.

  “Can I ask you something?” He turned to see she had followed him.

  She gave him a sideways smile. “You don’t always have to ask me if you can ask me something. It’s okay to just ask.”

  Connor felt heat in his cheeks. “Alright. I’m sorry. I guess I do that a lot.”

  “No need to be sorry. I just thought I’d let you know you can ask me whatever you want to.”

  Connor nodded his head, pressing his lips together as he tried to figure out how to word what he wanted to say. He cleared his throat and looked into her eyes. “Caroline, I…” As he opened his mouth and started to speak, the front door crashed opened, bringing in the sounds of the wind and rain. They both jumped.

  “Connor? Are you around?” Connor’s dad called out from the entryway.

  Connor tore his eyes away from Caroline’s and stood up from his stool. “In the kitchen, Dad.”

  Greg came around the corner, his black windbreaker jacket dripping from the rain. “I hate to bug you, but do you think you could help us out in the barn? We’re trying to get everybody fed and that stallion is all worked up because of the weather.”

  “Edison?” Caroline asked, her eyes growing wide.

  Greg nodded his head. “I’m afraid he’s going to hurt himself or somebody.”

  “I’ll come help.” She started to head for the front door.

  Connor followed her. “Caroline, are you sure? Don’t you need to get home?”

  “That was the other thing I needed to tell you.” Greg interrupted before Caroline could answer. “The wind knocked a huge tree down on the highway. It’s closed both ways. I think she’s stuck here for a while.”

  “I’ll call my parents and let them know after we get Edison settled. Let’s go.” Caroline pulled her sweatshirt over her head, and then whipped her hair up into a ponytail.

  “Here, let me get you something a little more waterproof.” Connor headed down the hall to the closet.

  “I better get back to your mom, Connor. I’ll see you guys out there.” Greg turned and headed out the door.

  “We’ll be right behind you.” Connor came back with two windbreakers in his hand,

  “Thank you.” Caroline reached for the doorknob.

  “You’re welcome.” Connor caught her hand before she could go outside. “You know you don’t have to do this, right?”

  Caroline stared down at their hands, then looked up to meet his eyes. “I know, but he needs help. And I know you’ll be with me.” Caroline squeezed his hand.

  Connor swallowed, doing his best to ignore everything he was feeling from that squeeze. He blinked once. “Yes, I will. Let’s go.”

  They pushed the door open and stepped onto the porch. They both ran down the steps, fighting the wind as it blew them sideways.

  “How did we not realize it had gotten this bad?” Caroline screamed so Connor could hear her.

  “I guess we were really focused on our presentation.” Connor yelled back, wiping the sting of the rain away from his eyes. God, please help us calm Edison down and get the other horses taken care of. And keep Caroline safe. Please let the storm stop soon, Connor prayed as they continued to run.

  They reached the doorway of the stallion barn and ducked inside. Jessica and Greg stood in front of Edison’s stall, talking to him, trying to get him to calm down. But the stallion was snorting and squealing, kicking at the walls. Caroline sprinted ahead of Connor.

  “Hey, bud,” Caroline whispered as Connor came up behind her. “It’s okay, it’s just the storm. No one here is going to hurt you.”

  Edison froze at the sound of her voice, his muscles rigid, ready to explode at any moment. He whinnied, loud and high-pitched, desperate for comfort.

  Connor held his breath as Caroline reached for the latch of the stall door. She squeaked it open, letting herself inside. Edison whinnied again, dropping his head down to her.

  She reached his shoulder, rubbing him with her knuckles. Edison sighed, relaxing under her touch. He turned his head toward her, resting his nose in her hair.

  “That’s amazing.” Greg took a step forward to the stall door. “You have a God-given gift there, young lady.”

  Connor watched Caroline’s eyes fall at the mention of God, but she gave his dad a polite smile. “I’m not sure about that, but thank you.”

  “Well, I’m sure. I’m completely sure.” Greg ran a hand through his wet hair. “I guess we ought to get everyone else fed.”

  Connor looked at his dad. “I can help you.”

  Jessica stepped forward and put a hand on Connor’s shoulder. “We got it, kiddo. You can stay here with Caroline.”

  Connor opened his mouth to argue, but as he looked at Caroline in the stall with Edison, he knew he didn’t want to leave her. “Alright. But please, let me know if you guys need anything.”

  Jessica smiled at him. “We will, and you guys do the same.”

  Connor watched as Caroline ran her fingers through Edison’s forelock. He could see her mouth moving but couldn’t hear anything she was saying. He leaned into the stall door, in awe as the stallion was already as calm as he had been with her the other day. She did have a gift. A gift that she had given up on because of fear. A gift he wanted to help her rediscover.

  God, help me here. Give me the right words to talk to her.

  “Caroline, can I…?” Connor stopped, and cleared his throat.

  Caroline looked over her shoulder at him. “Can you ask me something?” She grinned as she teased him.

  “Well…yeah. Sorry. Old habits are hard to break.”

  She laughed. “No worries. Do you want to come in here? Maybe hand me his grain bucket, see if he’ll eat?”

  Connor nodded as he came into the stall. He grabbed the bucket and stepped over to Caroline and Edison. The stallion perked his ears, looking at the bucket with interest.

  Caroline took it from Connor and cradled it in her arms. “Hungry, big guy? You can eat.”

  Edison put his head down and began chewing on his dinner. Caroline looked up at Connor, her eyes the happiest he had ever seen. “So, what did you want to ask me?”

  Connor reached over and patted Edison on the neck. “Remember when we had lunch in the union? You told me you used to believe in God, but you didn’t want to explain it then. Do you think you could now?”

  Caroline loo
ked away from him, her eyes falling to Edison’s ears. Connor watched her blink as she bit her lip. He took a step closer to her.

  “I’m sorry. You don’t have to.” Connor put his hand on her arm.

  She looked up at him again as she felt his touch. “No, it’s okay. It’s pretty simple.”

  “Simple?”

  “Yeah.” Caroline shrugged her shoulders. “I’ve had to deal with too much pain and loss to keep believing He cares about me or my future.”

  “I can understand that. Completely.” Connor swallowed.

  “You can?” Caroline wrinkled her forehead as she looked at him.

  “Yeah, I can.” He had asked God to give him the right words to say to her so many times over the last few months. And now, he knew what he had to do. He had to tell Caroline about Emily.

  Twenty

  The wind had eased up, but the rain was still coming down hard, bouncing off the roof and sides of the barn. Edison was munching on his hay, as quiet as the other stallions. Caroline leaned back against the stall door, waiting for Connor to come back from the house with their dinner.

  They had checked the traffic reports and discovered that the highway would be closed overnight. She had already called her parents and explained to them that she wouldn’t be home until tomorrow. Even though Edison was settled, she wasn’t ready to leave the barn, so Connor had offered to go get them something to eat.

  Caroline knew Connor had something he wanted to tell her. His demeanor had changed ever since she told him why she didn’t believe in God anymore, and she had never seen his eyes look so sad.

  Whatever it was, she hoped she could handle it.

  Connor ducked in the barn door at the end of the aisle, a plastic shopping bag draped over one arm. He flipped the hood of his jacket off his head with his free hand as he walked toward her.

  “Well, I did my best to keep everything dry. But I’m not sure how well I did.” Connor smiled at her, but it didn’t reach his eyes.

  “I’m sure it’ll be fine. I don’t think you could keep anything dry out there.”

  “That’s for sure. I hope grilled ham and cheese sandwiches are okay? My mom thought we should eat something warm.”

  “Sounds great.” Caroline took the sandwich wrapped in tin foil that Connor handed her, enjoying the warmth on her fingers.

  “I should’ve brought us a couple of chairs.” Connor looked up and down the aisle, searching for something they could sit on. He handed the bag to Caroline and disappeared into the feed room.

  Caroline’s mouth popped open as he reappeared, carrying a large bale of hay. “Connor, I would have helped you carry that.”

  “It’s all good, I got it.” He sat it down in front of Edison’s stall. He swung the door open, then scooted the hay bale in front of the opening. “There ya go, a front row seat.”

  “Thank you.” Caroline sat down on one end of the bale, resting her back against the door frame. Connor sat down on the other end, placing the bag in the middle.

  “You’re welcome. There are some chips and bottles of water in there, too.”

  They ate in silence, enjoying the warm and gooey cheese. Finishing first, Connor crumbled up his tin foil, putting it into the now-empty bag. He took a drink from his water bottle, then met Caroline’s eyes.

  He coughed, clearing his throat. “Do you remember Dream? From the first time you were here?”

  Caroline nodded. “Your sister’s jumper. She’s in the broodmare barn.”

  “You got it.” Connor lifted his lips into a small smile. “Do you remember anything else?” Caroline thought back. “Yeah, I think so. You told me she was jumping about four feet and could have done more, but plans changed.”

  “Right again.” Connor dropped his eyes to the bale of hay, pulling on a few stems. Caroline thought she heard him sniff.

  “Can I ask what changed?” Caroline whispered, not wanting to force him to tell her.

  Connor pressed his lips together and nodded his head. When his eyes met Caroline’s, she could see the tears. “My sister, Emily. She was killed in a car accident two years ago.”

  Caroline felt the shock fill her expression. “Connor, I am so sorry. I had no idea.”

  “It’s okay. I don’t talk about her much.” Connor shrugged his shoulders. “Is it okay if I tell you the whole story? Now that I’ve brought it up?”

  “Yes, of course.” Caroline crossed her arms over her chest, fighting off the damp chill that was beginning to hang in the air.

  Connor leaned back, settling against the door frame opposite from Caroline, so that they were facing each other. “I guess I should start by saying I idolized my big sister. I was that kid, you know, the ‘annoying little brother,’ but Emily never got tired of me. We were best friends.”

  “How far apart in age were you?” Caroline kept her voice quiet.

  “Four years, but it didn’t really matter.”

  Connor looked up at her, pain showing in his expression. Caroline tried to smile, hoping it would comfort him.

  “Anyway, Emily got Dream when she was sixteen, and Dream was five. It’s hard to believe it now, but she was almost as wild and crazy as this one here.” Connor tilted his head toward Edison.

  “Really? Had she been abused?”

  “We don’t know for sure. My parents picked her up at an auction and didn’t get any information on her, except that she was a Thoroughbred. They couldn’t even load her into the trailer. They had to back it up to her pen and chase her in. They had to unload her the same way, too.”

  “Emily wasn’t afraid of her?”

  Connor chuckled. “No, she was fearless. Always had been. She went right into that pen, and had that mare settled down and bonded with her in less than an hour. She had a gift. A lot like you. You remind me of her.”

  Caroline blushed. Or of the me I used to be. She sniffed and stared down at her hands. “I don’t think so. She sounds pretty amazing.”

  “She was. It didn’t take her long to train Dream. She did it all practically by herself. They started competing and won just about everything. They had their sights set on Grand Prix.”

  “It sounds like they would have made it.”

  “They would have. They each had individual talent, but their bond is what made them special. Emily hardly had to give her any kind of cues. They just read each other’s minds and hearts. It was incredible to watch.”

  Caroline felt the familiar break in her own heart cracking open. She looked over to Edison, keeping her eyes hidden. Connor continued talking, either ignoring her tears, or not seeing them.

  “Emily had signed up for a clinic in Tucson with one of the best jumper riders in the country. Dream had a minor abscess in her hoof, so she couldn’t take her. But Emily still went to watch. Even though she couldn’t ride, she wanted to learn everything she could. We were all going to go, but since she wasn’t taking Dream, she just drove herself in her car, and we stayed home.”

  Caroline looked back at him as she heard Connor sniff. He wiped one single tear from his cheek, then made eye contact with her.

  “It happened on her way home that night. She was already off the interstate, and on the highway coming here. An oncoming car swerved to avoid a deer, and lost control, veering into her lane. They hit her head on.”

  Caroline stood and closed the distance between them. She sat down next to him on the hay bale and pulled him into a hug. “I’m so sorry, Connor.”

  Their hug ended, but Connor kept ahold of her hand. “Thank you.” He attempted to smile. “It was hard for a long time. I felt guilty for not going with her. I thought if I had been there, we could have avoided the crash, or I could’ve done something to save her. I was angry at God for taking her from us, for not letting her or Dream live out what so easily could have been their legacy.”

  Caroline was hanging on his every word as he described everything she had felt since her accident. “How did you get past it? The guilt? The anger?”

  “Some days
are easier than others, for sure. But it all came down to one verse I found in the Bible. Romans 8:28. ‘And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love Him, who have been called according to His purpose.’”

  Caroline focused on her boots, not sure of what to say. Connor squeezed her hand.

  “I don’t understand the way God works. I don’t understand why Emily is gone. But I know He loves me and has a plan for me. Not just for me, but for every one of us. Even in our tragedies and pain, He has a plan and He always cares. And like I said, it’s easier some days to believe that than others.”

  Caroline nodded, too overwhelmed by her thoughts to speak. She felt tears in her eyes, but she looked up at Connor anyway. “Thank you, for telling me all of this. I’m sure it wasn’t easy.”

  “You’re welcome, Caroline. I haven’t told anyone any of that before, but I thought you needed to hear it. So thank you for listening.” Connor pulled her into another hug. “I just want you to know, there still is a plan for you and He does still care. Even through all of the loss.”

  Caroline couldn’t say anything because of the tears that closed in on her throat, but she nodded her head into his shoulder. When they pulled apart, Connor looked at his watch.

  “It’s getting late. And cold. We might want to head inside.”

  Caroline looked at Edison. “Do you think he’ll be okay?”

  Connor stood and went to the nearest window. “It’s finally stopped raining, so I think he’ll stay quiet. We can always come back if it starts up again.”

  “Alright.” Caroline got up and went to Edison, running her fingers through his blond mane. “Goodnight, buddy. Get some rest.” Edison lifted his head from his hay and breathed in Caroline’s ear.

  Leaving the stall, Connor and Caroline pushed the hay bale to the side so they could shut the door. They walked to the house, their arms brushing as they went, and climbed up the steps to the porch. Connor stopped and turned back, looking out toward the barns. The paths were lit with lanterns, causing the stones to glisten from the rain.

  “What’s wrong?” Caroline followed his gaze, trying to see or hear whatever had stopped him.