Bound for Nirvana

by Kendra Leigh

  Yes, my wedding day was a perfect day.

  Today was the first day of the rest of our lives—our married lives. The day I would become Mrs. Angelica Wilde. I smiled to myself, warmed by the thought of taking Ethan’s name. By finally becoming part of a family who welcomed me and who loved me. In a way, it was like taking the final stride away from my past. Accepting the cards it had dealt me and closing the door. At long last, I was moving on.

  The last six months had been a steady climb to the summit of acceptance. Understanding and accepting, in whatever way we could, what had happened that day in my apartment.

  I’d gone over it in my head a thousand times, wondering what might have happened if Rebecca hadn’t been lying in wait for me that day when my father had followed me back. Would I have given him the time of day or slammed the door in his face? And if I had heard him out, what would he have said? Were the words he spoke to me that day the words of a dying man, grasping his last attempt to make amends? Was the guilt of ruining my life eating away at him, or did it just reveal itself to him because he was bleeding out on my living room floor?

  My father had loved me for one day out of my twenty-nine years of existence. On that day he’d asked for my forgiveness and uttered words I’d waited my whole life to hear. When faced with the possibility of me being harmed, he’d responded innately, it seemed. Rushing to my defense, going above and beyond to protect me, even at the cost of his own life. He’d responded like any decent parent. He’d taken the bullet, just like my mom had taken the hit. The irony wasn’t lost on me, that both my parents had died trying to protect me, but the rudimentary fact remained—one had died protecting me from the other.

  My father’s dying words had soothed the ache caused by his relentless cruelty. But would they have sufficed if he’d lived? I guess I’d never know.

  Under the same scrutiny, I wondered what the outcome could have been if my father hadn’t shown at all that day. Would the bullet that ended his life have ended mine? Would Rebecca have tired waiting for Ethan and killed me? Would Jackson be dead or… Ethan? Ethan had said that the second he’d walked into the apartment and witnessed the depths of her depravity he’d known there was only one possible outcome. He said she’d signed her own death warrant when she made her decision to kill me. The assault on me, her attempted murder of Jackson, and murder of my father were the final lashings of fuel on the already burning inferno of retribution. If she hadn’t pulled the trigger—he would have.

  I’d never know what had spawned her madness and her hatred. I only knew that if she’d walked away with her life intact that day, it would most likely mean that I hadn’t. It didn’t assuage the regret I felt that anyone had had to die, but I refused to live another minute of my life with a guilt-laden conscience. Especially for someone who was a victim of their own transgressions.

  No, this was the first day of the rest of our lives—it was time to start living.

  I pushed away from the doorway of the bedroom balcony where I was leaning and breathed in the wonderful summery scent of flowers. A familiar, sexy-as-sin chuckle drifted up from the terrace below, where our handful of guests were waiting, and I felt an immediate urge to see him. We’d stuck to tradition, and I’d spent the night with Veronica, Abby, and Jia at the house while Ethan had stayed home in Manhattan doing whatever guys do the night before their wedding. Judging by the amount of texts on my phone, the majority of the evening had been spent messaging me.

  Cautiously, I stepped out onto the balcony, hoping to catch a snippet of his conversation, just to hear the smooth, sexy tones of his voice. He was talking to Damon, the habitual exchange of banter and subtle, mirthful jibes reserved only for each other caused the edge of my lip to curl in deep esteem.

  Suddenly, he was pushed playfully into view, no-doubt a score-evening tactic of some good-humored, sibling raillery. The sight of him took my breath away completely, and as if in a sixth-sense response, he angled his head, looking up to where I stood. I gasped and ducked back inside swiftly, determined that he shouldn’t see me before the wedding.

  “What are you doing? You’re not allowed to see her. Stop looking for her, Ethan!” It was Abby’s voice, almost hysterical as she brought her brother into line.

  “Jesus, dude, can you not wait ten minutes? Oh, Angel, Angel, let down your hair, so that I may climb the mahogany stair.” Damon laughed as he mocked Ethan and the famous story of Rapunzel.

  I covered my mouth to stifle my laugh. Suddenly, the group went quiet, their tones becoming muffled and more reserved, as if greeting someone who’d just arrived. Someone much less familiar. I strained my ears to listen, but my curiosity was soon satisfied when the whole group began to make their way slowly across the lawn and the new arrivals came into view.

  Adam and Aaron—they came.

  My chest puffed with sudden pride, my sense of belonging elevating to a loftiness I’d never encountered before. Building bridges with my twin brothers had been a complicated, arduous journey. Both had lost their dad in circumstances brought about by me. A little bit of history repeating itself—or at least, that’s the way I was afraid they might see it. Much to my surprise, both had been distraught when they’d heard the truth about Mom’s accident and the unfounded jealousy and misconceptions that had really lain behind my father’s mistreatment of me. Their horror had been exacerbated when they’d learned about my time at the pool house and what the depths of my despair had driven me to.

  It’s not that I wanted to dole out the blame, and a show of remorse wasn’t what I’d been aiming to achieve by telling them—God knows, I was all too aware of how crippling guilt could be. But it was important for my own progression and state of mind to set the record straight.

  Adam wasn’t a stranger to feelings of unease with regards to my ostracism. I knew it had never sat comfortably with him, but he’d never once outwardly stood up to my father, never protested about the unwarranted way in which I was treated. Turning a blind eye when you’re a child is understandable, but when you’re an adult? Not so much.

  Aaron, on the other hand, had worshipped my father, and being his trusty sidekick had played a major role in championing my isolation from the rest of the family. By his own admission as a child he’d felt my exclusion had elevated him to a higher ranking position in my father’s affection. Acknowledging the damaging effect it had had on me had left him consumed with shame. He wore it with the same candidness as my father had done when he’d been dying on the floor, as if he alone was responsible for my stolen childhood.

  When I offered him my condolences for the circumstances surrounding my father’s death, his response had astounded me beyond words. “I’d have thought dying was the least he could for you.”

  I didn’t expect we’d ever have a regular familial relationship. Hugs and affection and bonding over lunch—well that ship had sailed long ago. But this was good. They were here at my wedding and that was more than I’d ever dreamed I’d see.

  Turning, I walked back into the room and gazed at my reflection in the mirror, nerves now fluttering delicately in my belly. Ethan had stuck to his word, agreeing to an understated wedding, and he’d been thrilled when I suggested we ask his parents if we could do it at the house. As far as weddings go, this would probably be as low-key as it got, but as Ethan had rightly pointed out, it was about a marriage, not a wedding.

  My dress was simple, but perfect—white with a triangular crocheted bodice featuring delicate, whispery spaghetti-straps which ran over my shoulders to cross over my bare back to my waist. The skirt flowed gracefully from a gathered waistline to just above my ankles with an unfinished hem. It floated around me like a daintily falling snowflake—effortless, yet intricately beautiful.

  I wore my hair down, deep mahogany waves cascading over my shoulders, crowned with delicately spaced, small wildflowers, tiny leaves and berries twisted into a woodland halo. My feet were bare other than the subtle splash of pink polish on my toes, and my bouquet was a handful of whimsica
l wildflowers bound simply by a strand of ribbon.

  There was gentle tap at the door. “May I come in?” Veronica poked her head around the door, her face lighting up with warm affection when she saw me.

  I nodded and she came to stand by my side, gazing at my reflection through the mirror. “You look so beautiful, Angel. Your mom would be so proud.”

  I smiled at the thought of her. “I wish she was here.”

  “She is.” Veronica squeezed my arm. “She’s always with you.”

  The notion filled me with a rush of pleasure and for a second I thought I caught the scent of her, just a fleeting waft of honeysuckle and jasmine.

  “The minister is here. It’s time.” Her words caused the nerves to flutter inside my belly. I nodded and she turned for the door.

  “Veronica?” I asked suddenly, pausing until she turned to face me. “Do I look like a bride?”

  “You look like an angel.” She stepped toward me, her expression one of deep veneration as she reached out to touch my hair. “All that’s missing is a pair of wings.”

  “Oh, Ethan is my wings.” I smiled. “It’s being with him that completes me.”

  “That’s a beautiful thing to say. Thank you.” She turned for the door again but then seemed to hesitate. “Angel? Your brothers are here.” She paused again as I responded with a smile. “Only, I wondered if you’d thought about someone giving you away.”

  My smile faded slightly as I shook my head, dismissing the idea without a second thought. It just didn’t feel right—too soon.

  Veronica smiled reassuringly. “I’ll see you there, then.”

  The moment she was gone an idea suddenly occurred to me. A glance out of the window saw the group disappearing at the end of the garden, and I rushed to find my cell, typing out the message as swiftly as possible:

  Hey! Any chance of a favor?

  The reply came back immediately:

  Sure, kiddo—name it.

  Will you come get me?

  Moments later there was a knock at the door. “Hey, what’s up?” Jackson’s smile faltered slightly as he entered the room and took in the sight of me, his Adam’s apple shifting suddenly over a hard swallow as he tried to contain his obvious emotion. “Jesus, Angel, you look… well put it this way—when the boss sees you, he really is going to think he’s died and gone to Heaven.”

  “Thanks, Jackson.” Unsure as to why, but I felt suddenly shy as I averted my eyes, suddenly conscious of my flushed cheeks. “Is he okay?” I asked of Ethan.

  Angling his head to one side, he made a face. “He’s chomping at the bit. Anybody would think you two shared the same heart valves or something. He only functions at half capacity when you’re not around.”

  “Same,” I laughed.

  “Was there something you wanted me to get for you?”

  “No, just you. I mean… well, yes. There was something I was hoping you might do for me.” The flush in my cheeks deepened as he nodded, waiting patiently for instructions. “Not as ‘The Man,’ Jackson. As my friend.”

  His crinkly eyes narrowed with concern. “What is it, kiddo?”

  “Will you give me away, Jackson?” Blurting the words quickly, I watched as his eyes now widened in surprise. “I’d love it if you would, if you’re comfortable with it. It’s just that… well I feel like you’re the nearest thing—”

  “I’d be honored, Angel.” He beamed a smile. “If you’re absolutely sure. I don’t know whether you know, but everyone’s here.”

  I nodded, knowing he was referring to the twins. “I’m certain. You’re the only one I want to ask.”

  “Then what are we waiting for?” He held out his arm for me to take and guided me proudly out of the room toward the sweeping staircase.

  The house was quiet as we moved through it to the garden, the lush grass soft beneath my feet as I padded across the lawn, arm in arm with Jackson. As we moved through the gate in the wall, the ball of nerves and excitement curled up tighter inside my belly. I would soon be Mrs. Wilde.

  We followed the path into woods, the fragrance and sight of fresh greenery and wildflowers a stark contrast to the earthy smell of a dark autumn night on the first time I’d been here. A strip of red carpeting had been laid on the ground to cover the dense vegetation of the forest floor, and I felt like I was entering some sort of whimsical fairy tale in search of my prince.

  Jackson squeezed my hand on his arm and looked down at me. He looked fresh in his casual jeans and pale blue shirt, so un-Jackson-like, but somehow it made him more real.

  “Thanks, Jackson. I don’t just mean for agreeing to give me away, or for saving my life—” He laughed and shook his head like it was nothing, the way he always did when I thanked him for that day. “I mean for making me feel like I deserve you.”

  “You do deserve me, kiddo. You deserve the best. And I don’t know whether I’ve mentioned it, but I happen to be the very best.”

  “Yes, you’ve mentioned it,” I teased.

  “And anyway, it’s me who wants to thank you.” He bowed his head slightly. “I don’t think you realize quite how much you guys mean to me. How much this means to me.”

  “Oh, I think I do.” Squeezing him back, I stretched up to kiss him on the cheek.

  “Right, come on.” He quickened his steps. “Because if I don’t give you away to him soon, all that mushy stuff there will count for nada, because The Man won’t be The Man anymore.”

  Up ahead the sun shone brightly on the clearing and the sight of familiar faces came into view. They stood en masse in a semicircle, each face wearing their own unique expressions. Jia with one perfectly manicured eyebrow hitched in approval, her lips mouthing: Work it, bitch. Abby’s effusive sentiment spilling freely in her white-toothed grin and clasped, excited hands. Damon’s cheeky, lopsided smile spoke a silent “Well if he doesn’t, I sure as hell will.” as he stood in an easy pose with hands in pockets. The twins stood side by side, their smiles cautious but genuine, their eyes expressing words they’d never utter. Richard stood with his arm around his wife, offering a wink and a warm welcoming nod of assurance while Veronica, as graceful as ever, blinked away her welling emotion as pure and gentle as that of a mother.

  As I approached, the sound of John Legend’s soulful voice began to sing “All of Me,” the lyrics so meaningful and appropriate causing a lump to form in my throat. It was Ethan’s choice.

  The semicircle divided into two, allowing me to walk through the middle of them. And that’s when I saw him.

  Ethan stood on the banking leading to the jetty, his weight on one leg, hands clasped in front of him. The sight of him made me halt in my tracks. The way he stood, his fresh, casual look of white jeans and pale blue shirt hanging sultrily from his long, lean sculpted frame. The perfect angles of his face took my breath away as his sumptuous lips curled into a shy smile, and when my brown eyes collided with his oceans of blue, my insides began to melt.

  The look which passed between us was of infinite love, and for a moment nobody else existed. Just the two of us locked in our own safe, private bubble of love, our eyes conveying feelings and emotions and a knowledge that our connection was one so intimate and strong that nothing would ever penetrate it.

  I felt my body begin to tremble as Jackson urged me to move forward, and Ethan’s smile deepened as he glanced at him briefly before offering me a single, approving nod. It was silent affirmation that he supported my choice.

  As we reached him, a man stepped into view, taking his place behind Ethan at the start of the jetty—the minister. Jackson released me, squeezing my hand, before nodding to Ethan and muttering, “She’s all yours, boss.”

  Ethan reached out, his hands closing over mine as he claimed me and brought me to his side. As the minister began and the group gathered around us, we lost ourselves in each other’s gaze, in a world which encompassed just the two of us.

  Suddenly, I was brought back to the here and now as Ethan cleared his throat and began to speak, his wo
rds clear and unwavering. “I spent twenty-four years searching for a part of me I didn’t even know was missing, not realizing I’d only been living half a life. Then I was granted the most precious gift in the world when I found you. My Angel. You stole my breath away the moment I saw you, hypnotizing me so completely, it was as if the world had frozen still and you were all I could see. I watched as you twisted your hair around your finger, trying to hide your shyness behind your hands. Little did I know, they were the telltale signs that you’d already stolen my heart long, long ago. Suddenly, the world seemed different, more colorful and vivid, more inspiring—a much brighter place. You’re everything to me, Angel. The holder of my heart, the air that I breathe, the reason I wake up every day. You’re my strength and my weakness, my past, my future—my everything. I promise that I will walk with you on all of life’s journeys, I will hold your hand, and you will never, ever be alone. I am yours completely, Angel—always. My sole purpose here on Earth is to love you and cherish you and keep you from harm, and I promise to do that every minute of every day of my life. I give you all of me.”

  A solitary tear spilled onto my cheek as I swallowed past the lump in my throat. Ethan reached out, gently brushing it away with the pad of his thumb, the simple gesture a solid seal of his words. Praying that I could hold my emotions together long enough for my words to make it past my lips, I began to speak.

  “Ethan, when you found me, I was barely breathing. I was living, but I wasn’t alive. My heart was merely a ticking clock, beating to pass the time of day away. Now it beats for a reason. You breathed life into me, gave me a reason to be, to laugh, to live, to love. You own me, mind, body, heart, and soul. You’re my teacher of life and healer of my soul. You’re my salvation, and you’re my wings. I can finally breathe freely, and I can finally sleep peacefully—and it’s all because of you. I’ve loved you and you alone for all of my life. And I swear with all of my heart and every cell of my being that I will love you for eternity and beyond, because no time will ever be enough. I give you all of me. ”