by Brie Paisley
The second thing, and it’s a big thing, I’ve realized is that I’m falling in love with Caleb. Honestly, I’ve already fallen. I’m just holding back, because when I lose him, and I will, because that’s my life apparently, it’s going to kill me.
If I thought it hurt to lose Carter, knowing he was part of my family, it’ll utterly destroy me to lose Caleb, because he means so much to me.
It’ll be pure agony.
Pushing my hands through my hair, I let the tears fall, because it’s pointless to stop them. It’s pointless to even try and hold myself together anymore. My mom didn’t care enough to stay and try to fix our relationship, so why do I care so much about it? My life feels so out of control again, and it seems like there is nothing I can do to fix it. Not only did I just lose my mom, but now, I’m probably going to lose Caleb, too. Why would anyone want me around? My parents have shown me over and over again that I’m not worth their time, so now, I’ve been proven, that I’m not worth anyone’s time. It’s turning into an unbreakable cycle, and I fear it’ll never end.
I wish I could just replace my fucked up and selfish parents with ones that care about me and actually want something to do with me. Family used to mean so much to me, but now, it’s as if I’ve become my own family. It’s also like someone has swapped my parents, replacing them with complete and total strangers.
It’s too bad that there isn’t some type of pill that I can take to make my heart not feel, as if something is ripping it to pieces. It’s too bad that I can’t go back into the past and not tell my mom about Dad’s affair. It’s too bad that I can’t go back and not fuck up my friendship with Carter, because I could really use a friend right now.
And now, it’s way too fucking bad that I didn’t do a better job of keeping my heart closed off, because Caleb is in there, whether I like it or not.
Three weeks later…
After helping my brothers clean up, I try to duck out, before anyone notices. “Caleb Mitchell Harlow, where do you think you’re goin’?”
Dropping my head, I turn, looking back at Mama, because I’ve been caught red handed. Backing away from the front door, I ignore the snickers of Caden, the blank stare of Cason, Carter’s curious gaze, and Clark’s I told you so face. “I’m just goin’ out, Mama.”
“Boy, you know better than to try and lie to me.”
I’m not sure how she does it, but Mama has an uncanny way about knowing everything. “I’m goin’ to meet a … friend.”
She places her hands on her hips, saying, “Try again.”
“Just tell her the truth, Caleb,” Dad adds.
The thing is I can’t exactly tell them, now can I? I hate, absolutely loathe, having to keep what Bethany and I have a secret. The past few weeks, I feel as if our relationship has done nothing but grow. There are times I sense she’s holding back, but the more I’m around her, the more I know we are meant to be together. “You’re just makin’ it worse on yourself,” Caden pitches in.
“Maybe, he has a girlfriend,” Shelby whispers loudly.
“Why haven’t we met her then?” Savvy asks everyone.
God, why couldn’t this have happened, when Carter and Shelby were busy with planning the wedding? Or when Caden and Savannah were already gone on their trip to London? “I’m curious to know, if he is datin’ someone, then why is it such a secret,” Cason pipes in.
Jesus Christ. “Can y’all please not talk about me, like I’m not here?”
“Is it because you’re gay? If that’s it, then you know we’ll accept him with open arms.” Snapping my gaze to Caden, I glare at him, hoping he knows that I will smack him, if he keeps that shit up. Holding up his hands, he claims, “I’m just sayin’. We support you, even if you wanna date a dude. We don’t discriminate.”
“Enough,” Mama calls out, and suddenly, everyone has something else to do. Sighing, as she motions for me to follow her, I do so, because I literally have no other choice. I love my mama with all my heart, and it’s killing me, knowing I’ve been keeping this from her.
Walking out the back door, she waits for me on the deck. Stopping in front of her, I wait for the questions to start. After a few moments pass, and Mama has done nothing, but stare at me, I assume she’s waiting for me to explain myself. Pushing out a deep breath, I admit, “I am datin’ someone. And no, it’s not a guy.” I quickly add.
“I know, Caleb.”
Frowning, I ask, “Then why bring me out here, if you knew all this already?”
Mama reaches forward, cupping my cheek, as she says softly, “Because, I want to know why you think keepin’ us in the dark is a good idea.” My stomach drops, hearing her say what I know has been eating away at me. “I want you to know that whoever she is, we’ll welcome her into this family, no matter what.”
“I know, Mama.” The guilt I’ve been carrying is starting to weigh me down, and I don’t know how much longer I can keep going without taking matters into my own hands. “It’s not that I don’t want y’all to know who she is. It’s just … she’s not ready to make it official.”
“Alright,” she says, dropping her hand. “As long as you know, you can bring her around. I’ll keep your brothers in line. You hear me?”
Smiling, I know she always has my back. “Yes, ma’am.”
“Good. Now, go on and see your girl. And you let her know, I said it’s about time her and I met.” Nodding, I quickly give her a kiss on the cheek and make my exit.
I don’t think it’s a good idea right now to let on that Mama has already met Bethany before. Many times, as a matter of fact …
Bethany and I spend the entire day together, and it’s an amazing day.
That is until we make it to the Princess Theater.
All day, I’ve contemplated on how to go about asking to make us official and for her to start coming over to hang out with my family. Sitting at our usual booth, she stares at the drunk college girls, singing horribly. I know she hates singing, but some rare times, she and I will get up there. Thankfully, we can actually carry a tune, unlike those poor girls.
Gazing at her, I take in her appearance, falling even more in love with her. I haven’t said those three words, since the first time we had sex, and it’s just one other thing to add on my ‘we need to talk’ list. Taking a drink of my beer, I set it aside, since it’s empty. Reaching forward, I take her hands, gaining her attention. “Sorry,” she starts. “I’m distracted by the flock of seagulls screechin’ at the top of their lungs.”
Laughing, I can’t deny her description of the girls singing. Thankfully, a few more moments pass, and they’re finally done. As “Venom” by Eminem starts playing, I thank God someone has a brain and knows a good song. Watching Bethany, as she subtlety pulls out of my grasp, I sigh, knowing this isn’t going to go well at all. She’s pulling away, and I want to know why. “I think we need to talk,” I say, loudly.
“Great. Let’s do that,” she snaps back sarcastically.
Folding my hands outward, I ask, “What’s goin’ on here?”
She takes a long gulp of her beer, and then says, “I have no idea what you’re talkin’ about. I’m sittin’ here, havin’ a good time, and now, you say we should talk. Nothin’ good ever comes after those words are spoken.”
Now I understand. She’s worried what I want to talk about, and now, I feel like a jackass. “Hey,” I call out, reaching for her again. Once I have her gaze, I suggest we go outside, so we can actually have a conversation without yelling at one another. Thankfully, she agrees and follows me outside.
Standing out front, we keep clear of the people outside smoking, before I start. “I’m sorry, Bet.” Her amber eyes snap to mine, as if she’s surprised by my apology. “I didn’t mean to make you think what I wanted to talk about is bad. I just … I just want us to be a real couple.”
“A real couple?” She asks in a sarcastic tone.
Fuck, I’ve messed up again. “No, I don’t mean it in a bad way. Fuck. This isn’t comin’ out rig
ht.”
“Then just say what you mean, Caleb.”
Clenching my jaw, I hate she’s getting angry so quickly. For the past three weeks, things have seemed great, until shit gets real. It’s so bad, that I’ve kept myself in check, making sure to give her enough room to come to terms with what we have.
The last thing I want to do is scare her off, but I’ve reached my breaking point. “I’m tired of hidin’, Bet. I want you to be there, when my family and I have breakfast every mornin’. I want you to come over to Carter and Shelby’s to hang out, when we have a get together. Fuck, is it so bad that I want you to be included? I don’t want to have to lie to my family anymore.”
“I never told you to lie to your family.”
Frowning, I ask, “Then why ask me to keep us a secret? Why do you always have an excuse, when I invite you over?”
“What do you want me to say, Caleb?” Watching, as she shakes her head, I’m honestly at a loss here. “I can’t believe you think I asked you to lie to your family. I would never do that.”
“You asked me to keep us a secret because you weren’t ready to let everyone know we were datin’. How else was I supposed to honor your request, when my family asks where I go every single day?”
“Oh, so now I’m the bad guy, because I’m not ready to be in a serious relationship? I’m a horrible person for knowin’ that I’m not in the right mind frame to ‘meet the family’?” That last part she uses air quotes, and I know she’s being sarcastic.
Taking a deep breath, I tell myself she’s just getting angry and picking a fight, because she’s scared. I know she’s had it rough with her parents for a while, and I also know that toxic relationship between the three of them isn’t doing me any favors. “Bethany, I’m not trying to pick a fight. I just want to understand why we can’t tell people we’re together. I want the whole fuckin’ world to know you’re mine. I want to show and tell you all the time how much you mean to me without you shuttin’ me out. I want you to admit you have deep feelins’ for me, too. I know you do. I can see it in your eyes, but for whatever reason, you refuse to show or fuck, even tell me how you feel about me. For once …,” I stop, as I suck in a deep breath. “For once, I would love to hear you tell me how you feel.”
Her hands start clenching at her sides, and I begin to worry I’ve really crossed some sort of line, that I didn’t know was even there. “Do you wish I were someone else? Because I can’t be anyone but me. I’m fucked up, Caleb. I can’t be the girl you bring home for breakfast or for family time. I’m not made that way.”
“What the hell are you talkin’ about? I don’t want you to be anyone else, but who you are. That’s why I love you.”
Her head drops, and for a moment, she refuses to meet my gaze. When she finally does, my heart begins to pound in my chest, and not in a good way. “You don’t mean that, not really.”
“The fuck I don’t. I know how I feel, and I know for a fact that I love you more than anything in this world. I know I want you to be the only girl I’ll ever be with, for the rest of my life.”
Seeing a tear slide down her cheek, I start to go to her. That is until she utters, “You can’t love me. No one can love me because I don’t deserve it. I’m a horrible person, Caleb.”
Trying to hold myself together, I should’ve known this would happen sooner rather than later. I knew Caleb would eventually get tired of hiding our relationship, but I can’t give him what he wants. I can’t face his family. I can’t look at his mom or dad, or even his brothers in the eyes, knowing I’m such a fuck up.
So, I’m doing the only thing I can to protect myself.
I’m pushing him away, before he completely shatters me.
But Caleb does what I never expected. He rushes to me, before I can turn away, grabbing me and holding me close. “I don’t ever want to hear you say those words again. Do you hear me, Bet? You are not a horrible person, and yes, I do love you, even if you don’t want to believe it.”
Accepting his comfort, I wrap my arms around him, holding him, as tight as I can. He anchors me, keeping me from feeling as if I’ll float away. “How can you love me? My own parents despise me, so how can you even think you love me?” I ask against his chest.
Crying softly, I try to contain my emotions. I could care less if there are drunk fools around us. This moment was bound to happen, so I really don’t care who witnesses it. As he strokes my hair, I fall more in love with him, hating myself for not being stronger. I hate that I’ve let him in, knowing once he finds out what I did to Carter and Shelby, he’ll end up hating me, too. “One day,” he starts, as I pull back to look at him properly. “One day, I’m goin’ to make you believe how much I love you. It might not be today or even tomorrow. But one day, I’ll make you fall in love with me, because I am your forever.”
Too late for that.
“How can that happen, when nothin’ ever works out for me? Just look at my parents. They were so in love, and then suddenly, they hated each other.”
As another tear slides down my face, he uses his thumb to wipe it away. “I know all the shit that happened with your parents fucked with your head. I get that you have trust issues, and I know you’re tryin’ to push me away to protect yourself.” It’s crazy how much Caleb understands me. He’s the only person I’ve ever been with, that sees the real me. “I get all that, Bet. The thing is you can’t go the rest of your life scared of gettin’ hurt, because it didn’t work out with your parents. You can’t keep pushin’ me away because you’re worried you’re not good enough.” He cups both sides of my face, as he claims, “You are more than enough for me. You’re everythin’ to me, Bet.”
I know he’s telling me the truth. Caleb would never lie to me for one, and I’d be a fool not to believe him now. I can see the love and devotion in his eyes, just like I can hear the conviction in his voice. “I’m sorry,” I say, as more tears fall. “I’m just all kinds of fucked up.” And that’s the truth. In a perfect world, I would’ve been a better person and wouldn’t hold so much resentment towards my parents. But they’ve shown me first hand, that you can’t always count on the people you love.
Love makes people do the dumbest shit.
Just take Caleb for an example. He’s in love with me, and I do believe he thinks that. However, he’s willing to put everything on the line for me, even though he doesn’t know I’m the last person he should be with. But I selfishly don’t ever want to tell him the hard truth. I want to keep going as we are, even knowing he’s feeling bad about keeping things from those he loves. I want to keep him, because fuck, I want him forever, too.
“I don’t think you’re that bad,” Caleb says, trying to lighten the mood. “I don’t care what you think, Bethany. I love you, and I’ll always love you. No matter what.”
If only that were true …
Two months later …
Putting on a sweater, I hate how fast fall has come around. I already miss the long summer nights, and the heat that came with it. Fall in Mississippi can be good some days, but then, there are days like today, when it’s freezing out.
Or maybe, I’m just feeling cold, because of what I’m about to do.
Sitting on the bed, I grab my phone, knowing I’ve put this off for far too long. Honestly, I’ve gone over and over it in my mind, having a general idea of what to type out to him. But it’s been so long, since Carter and I have talked, and I’m afraid I won’t get an answer again.
Unfortunately, this needs to happen, before I finally tell Caleb the truth. I need to come clean because my time is nearing. I can feel the impending doom coming, as if it’s a flashing sign right in front of me. I can’t keep telling Caleb the same lie over and over. There is no reason I shouldn’t be ‘ready’ to come out with our relationship. Months have gone by, but he has been so patient with me. Since our fight that night at the Princess, our relationship has grown tremendously. I’ve finally begun to trust in him completely, and I trust that he won’t hate me, once I come clean. I
can honestly say I’ve been better with my issues, and I know he has seen the change, too. I haven’t told him yet, but I’m not afraid to let myself love him, like he deserves.
Tonight, is the night I’ll tell him everything. I’ll finally admit how deep my feelings are, and why I can’t be around his family.
Expecting him at any moment, I start typing out the message I want to send to Carter, hoping this apology won’t go unread. I pour my heart and soul into my words, hoping that this time, he’ll at least read it. I know what I did to him and Shelby cannot be undone by just some heart filled text, but at least, I know I’ve done all that I can for now. I don’t know how many times I can say I’m sorry, before I’m finally heard, which is why this will be my final apology.
I can’t keep letting that one mistake hold Caleb and I back.
It’s time I put Carter behind me, and as much as it hurts to lose what we had, I know it’s the right thing for me. And it’s the right thing for Caleb and me, if we’re ever going to move forward in our relationship.
“Knock, knock.” I startle, as I glance up, seeing Caleb walk into my room. As I quickly put my phone away, he frowns. “Everythin’ okay?”
“Yeah,” I reply a bit too fast. “Ready for our series binge?”
My distraction works, as he nods and says, “I can’t believe you’ve never watched Game of Thrones before. Where have you been hidin’?”
Smiling, I roll my eyes, as I get off the bed. “I can’t believe you’ve never seen all of Harry Potter.”
“Touché. We’ll get to Harry after Game of Thrones. Trust me, you’re goin’ to love this show.”
“I’m puttin’ my trust in you on this. Don’t make me watch somethin’ borin’.”
“Deal,” he says, as he sticks out a hand. Walking over to him, I take his outstretched hand without thinking. And of course, he pulls me to him, holding me close, as he leans down to kiss me tenderly. Sighing as our lips connect, I place one hand on his hip, and the other on his arm, holding myself up right. It never fails to amaze me how just one simple kiss from him can literally make me weak in the knees. His sweet kisses always make me want more, because with him, my entire body feels electrified. My heart always beats rapidly, as my stomach fills with want and need. The kiss begins to deepen, and I let him take over, loving how he can make me want him, even more than I already do.
