Tom Bites Back

by Steven Banks

  He put me in a cage on the edge of the shelf and locked the little door.

  I was Professor Beiersdorfer’s pet bat.

  24.

  The Worst Idea Ever

  Professor B rubbed his chin and started talking to himself.

  “Beiersdorfer, you dummkopf, what did you come down for?” He hit his forehead with his hand. “Yah! Now I remember!”

  He went over to the seismograph box, picked up the notebook, and walked back to the stairs.

  “Guten Nacht, Otto, and my new little bat. I shall name you Max.” He stopped at the bottom of the stairs and turned around. “Or maybe you should be named Heidi? We find out tomorrow.”

  I had to get out of there.

  He went up the creaky stairs, turned out the light, and I heard the door close.

  I tried to unlock my cage door, but I didn’t have fingers, just stupid bat wings, which were useless. I tried to use my bat feet, but they were too tiny. There was only one thing I could do. I had to turn back into a human and bust out of the cage. I had no idea what was going to happen.

  I kept throwing my bat body against the side of the cage to move it, inch by inch, toward the edge of the shelf. The cage finally tipped off the edge and clanged onto the floor. I hoped this wasn’t a big mistake. I closed my eyes.

  “Turn to human. Human, I shall be.”

  BAM!

  I turned back to me as the cage broke apart and fell into little pieces on the floor. Terrence started freaking out again.

  I unlocked the basement window, opened it, and yelled.

  “Zeke! Zeke!”

  He ran over and bent down on the grass.

  “Talk to me, T-Man!”

  “He took the notebook.”

  “I know! I just saw suspect return to bedroom with it. Abort the mission?”

  “No! I’ll go upstairs and get it.”

  Zeke saluted. “See you on the other side, Bat-Tom.”

  * * *

  I closed and locked the basement window so Professor B wouldn’t know someone had been in there. Then I turned into a bat again. I squeezed under the lab door at the top of the stairs, and flew down the hallway and upstairs to the second floor. I could tell which room was his bedroom because I could hear him snoring. It actually sounded like Zeke’s fake snoring.

  I peeked in the open doorway.

  He was asleep in bed, with the notebook in one hand and a pencil in the other. He must have fallen asleep while writing. I decided to turn back into me, because I wasn’t sure I could pick up the notebook with my bat feet. I whispered, “Turn to human. Human, I shall be.”

  I tiptoed into the room. I went up to the bed and slowly, carefully slid the notebook out of his hand. He stopped snoring and I froze. What would I say if he woke up.

  “Hi, Professor B. I can turn into a bat. Want to see?”

  Luckily, he stayed asleep. I went over to the window, quietly opened it, and tossed the notebook down to Zeke, who caught it and gave me a thumbs-up.

  I went downstairs to the front door and said, “Turn to bat. Bat, I shall be.” I went through the mail slot and turned back into me. It was pretty cool that we’d pulled it off. As we ran across the street to my house, I almost started singing Zeke’s spy song.

  * * *

  We went in my bedroom, and I opened the notebook to show Zeke the page I had read in the lab.

  “ ‘Dear Diary, Robot experiment XL-5. Today I will try to turn a boy into a robot.’ ”

  “Excellent!” said Zeke. “Do you think he’d let us pick our robot color? I’d wanna be silver! What would my robot name be? Robo-Zeke? The Zeke-Bot? The Zeke-Anator?”

  “This is not a good thing, Zeke!”

  He turned the page and made a weird face. “Why does it say ‘Ideas for Book’?”

  “What?”

  He showed me.

  IDEAS FOR BOOK

  Kid survives on the moon with only a toothbrush.

  Girl saves a baby unicorn from being sold to a circus in Salzburg.

  Boy trades his parents for video game.

  Mermaid joins school swim team.

  Boy puts on magical lederhosen and can fly.

  Mad scientist makes giant pretzel that comes alive and takes over the world.

  Mad scientist makes two boys into robots.

  “It’s a book,” I said. “Professor B is writing a book about a mad scientist who turns kids into robots. He’s not really going to do it.”

  Stealing the notebook was the WORST idea Zeke and I had ever had.

  And now I had to put it back in his bedroom before Professor B noticed it was gone. We went back to his house. I changed into a bat, went in the mail slot, turned back to me, got the notebook from Zeke through the slot, went upstairs, put the notebook next to Professor B’s hand, went back downstairs, turned into a bat, went through the slot, turned back to me, and went home.

  Being a spy in real life is much harder than it is in the movies.

  Plus, Zeke and I still had a problem.

  What to do for our science project?

  25.

  To Fly or Not to Fly

  Ladies and gentlemen, Tom Marks, the Vam-Wolf-Zom! We have been studying and performing various experiments on this fascinating person, who is also my best friend,” said Zeke.

  It was three days later and we were in the gym. I stood in front of a cardboard chart that showed pictures of different kinds of food and a bat. Zeke was next to me, holding a pointer stick. There were science projects set up all around the gym. Annie, Abel, and Landon had projects too.

  “What is a Vam-Wolf-Zom’s favorite food and drink?” said Zeke. “After studying Tom, we discovered it was meat and blood.”

  I glanced over at Mr. Prady, who didn’t look like he was going to give us first place. Or even thirty-first.

  “How strong is a Vam-Wolf-Zom?” said Zeke.

  I picked Zeke up and held him over my head.

  “Our conclusion: Strong!” said Zeke as I set him back down. “And last, but not least: Can a Vam-Wolf-Zom turn into a bat and fly?” said Zeke. “We will prove today, before your very eyes, whether this can happen or not.”

  Mr. Prady started to look interested. The other kids in the gym were crowding around. I could tell they were expecting me to do it.

  “Let us find out!” Zeke turned to me. “Mr. Marks…can you turn into a bat and fly!”

  I knew I could do it. I’d done it lots of times, but only alone or in front of Zeke. I looked up at how high the ceiling was in the gym. I could fly around in circles a few times and land back where our project was. It might get us first place.

  I looked out at all those eyes staring at me. I saw Annie smiling at me. Even Tanner Gantt, who didn’t do a project, was standing there with his arms crossed, smirking.

  I started to get nervous. I didn’t want to do a crash landing and have everybody laugh at me. I slowly shook my head.

  Zeke nodded and turned to face everyone. “And so, our scientific conclusion is: Negative. A Vam-Wolf-Zom cannot turn into a bat and fly.”

  I heard Tanner say, “Lame!”

  Zeke bowed. Why did he always bow? You could tell all the kids were really disappointed that I didn’t fly. And so was Mr. Prady. He gave us thirty-second place. I blame Zeke for coming up with the idea, Professor Beiersdorfer for not giving us a better one, Martha Livingston for turning me, the werewolf, and the zombie guy too.

  * * *

  Annie got third place for her project, “Does Music Affect Brain Waves?” Abel got tenth place for “How Does Water Affect Cotton, Linen, and Corduroy?” Landon even got a higher score than us, thirty-first place, for his project, “Telekinesis: Can You Move a Penny with Your Mind?” He just sat there and stared at a penny for five minutes. It ne
ver moved. But he had a big chart with lots of pictures and numbers.

  Landon came up to me, afterward, in the hallway. “Can I use your dad’s drum set?”

  “Yeah, Landon.”

  “Hey, don’t call me Landon anymore, call me Dog Hots.”

  “What? You said not to.”

  “I changed my mind.”

  “Why?”

  Just then, two eighth-grade girls walked by. They were pretty, but they didn’t look nice.

  “Hey, Dog Hots!” said one.

  “How’s it going, Dog Hots?” said the other.

  Landon smiled and said, “Awesome, ladies!”

  The girls walked off covering their mouths with their hands and giggling.

  “See!” he said, turning to me. “They think Dog Hots is a cool name.”

  “Um…I don’t know about that.”

  “Hey, you saw it! Eighth-grade girls are talking to me!”

  I decided not to spoil his illusion.

  He was Dog Hots again.

  * * *

  I kept practicing flying and landing every night. I wished they had bat flying and landing lessons on the internet. They have videos on practically everything else. But you can’t film a vampire, so it wouldn’t work.

  A few days after the science fair, I got home from school and Emma said she had a big announcement. She made all of us sit down at the kitchen table.

  “What is it, Emma?” asked Mom, who had her worried face on.

  “Lucas is coming over to study tonight and stay for dinner.”

  “I’ll alert the media!” said Dad. Mom laughed. Emma didn’t.

  “Listen to me, very carefully,” she said. “Do not ask him stupid questions. Mom, do not show him the weird stuff you sell in the garage. Dad, do not try to be funny. Tom, do you have to be here?”

  “I live here!”

  “Can’t you go over to Zeke’s house? Or stay in your room? Or the basement?”

  “No!”

  She tried to bribe me. “I’ll give you five dollars if you go away.”

  “Yeah, right! And you’ll call that my birthday present. No way!”

  “Ten dollars?”

  I wondered how high she would go. I might make some serious cash.

  “No!” said Mom. “Emma, you are not paying your brother to go away.”

  Emma let out a gigantic sigh.

  “All right. Come in. Say ‘hi.’ And then go away. And, if any of you call him Carrot Boy, I will kill you!”

  “Emma,” I reminded her. “You’re the one who came up with the name Carrot Boy, when he used to mow our lawn.”

  “That’s beside the point!”

  “Can we call him C.B.?” asked Dad.

  “No!”

  “Can we call him Mr. C?” I asked.

  “No!!”

  “The C-Man?” asked Dad.

  “NO!!!”

  “What about The Boy Who Shall Not Be Named Carrot?” I asked.

  “NO!!!!!!”

  Ding-dong.

  “Someone is at the door!” said Dad. “Who on earth could it be?”

  Emma stood up. “Do NOT embarrass me!”

  I stood up and saluted. So did Dad. Mom didn’t.

  26.

  Carrot Boy Meets the Vam-Wolf-Zom

  Mom, Dad, and I stayed in the kitchen while Emma went to get the door. She let Carrot Boy in, and I could hear them whispering.

  “Meet my parents for, like, five seconds and then we’ll go study,” whispered Emma.

  “Why are we whispering?” said Carrot Boy.

  “So Tom doesn’t hear us. He has super hearing.”

  “Cool!” said Carrot Boy.

  “No, it’s not!” said Emma.

  Dad turned to Mom. “Let’s go meet the new-and-improved Lucas.”

  He and Mom went into the living room. I stayed in the kitchen and listened.

  “Hi, Lucas,” said Mom. “Nice to see you again.”

  “Hey, Mr. and Mrs. Marks,” said Carrot Boy.

  “Want to mow the lawn for old times’ sake?” asked Dad.

  I could feel Emma cringing, even from the other room.

  Carrot Boy laughed. “No, Mr. Marks. My mowing days are over. I found out I’m allergic to grass. Where’s Tom?”

  “I don’t know,” said Emma. “C’mon, let’s go study.” Emma had never said that in her entire life.

  “But I want to meet him.”

  “Why?” she asked.

  “Why? ’Cause he’s awesome.”

  “Let me assure you. Tom is not awesome. He is the opposite of awesome.”

  Mom and Dad went off to do some Mom and Dad stuff, and I went into the living room.

  “Hey,” I said.

  “Hey, Tom,” said Carrot Boy. He turned to Emma. “He doesn’t look that bad, Emmers.”

  Emmers?

  He turned back to me and smiled. “Dude, I thought you’d be, like, all, you know, messed up, monster freaky, you know what I’m saying? You are rockin’ the Vam-Wolf-Zom look.”

  I shrugged. “Yeah, Emma likes to exaggerate.”

  “Dude! I know! She totally does!”

  “I do not!” said Emma, The World’s Biggest Exaggerator.

  Carrot Boy went on. “And she makes stuff up, like, all the time.”

  “No, I don’t! C’mon, we have to go study, Lukey.”

  Lukey?

  If Annie Barstow decides to be my girlfriend in high school, I’m going to tell her that we can’t call each other by lame nicknames.

  When we sat down to dinner, I brought a bowl of carrots to the table. I had to. If I hadn’t, it would have been the greatest missed opportunity of all time.

  “Carrots anybody?” I asked. Emma gave me a laser-beam death ray with her eyes.

  “Yes! I love carrots!” said Carrot Boy.

  I couldn’t believe he actually said that. I saw Dad bite his lip, so he wouldn’t laugh. Even Mom put her hand in front of her mouth to hide her smile.

  But I have to admit, Carrot Boy wasn’t as bad as I thought he was going to be. And he was the first person who didn’t ask me if I could turn into a bat and fly.

  27.

  Werewolf Time

  Can you guys practice this Friday night?” asked Annie.

  We were having a band meeting at lunch in the cafeteria a week after The Carrot Boy Dinner.

  Abel, Capri, Dog Hots, and Zeke all said yes.

  “Um…I can’t,” I said.

  Annie crossed her arms. “Why not?”

  “There’s going to be a full moon.”

  “So?” she said.

  Did she forget I was one-third werewolf?

  “I turn into a werewolf, Annie.”

  She shrugged. “I have no problem with you being a werewolf. We need to practice.”

  “Excellent!” said Zeke. “I haven’t seen you as a werewolf yet!”

  “I want to see you go all werewolf!” said Dog Hots.

  Abel straightened his tie and tucked his napkin into his collar. “I’m quite intrigued to see you in werewolf state, with your permission of course.”

  So far, I had only turned into a full-on werewolf three times. The first time was at my house, when I got Mom, Dad, and Emma to believe I was a Vam-Wolf-Zom. The second time was the next night, when we had to convince Principal Gonzales and Mayor Lao. And the third time was the night after that, at Gram’s house. There were only two full moons in October, coming up on a Thursday and Friday.

  “So, what happens exactly?” asked Capri.

  “Well, I get really, really, hairy all over my body. My hands and feet turn into paws. I couldn’t see my face, but my nose felt like a snout and my teeth got a little bigger. And I howl sometimes.”

  Anni
e frowned. “Try not to howl when we’re singing.”

  * * *

  On the night before band practice, I was in the living room, on the sofa, reading our second book for English. It was about this kid who gets stuck in the woods with a hatchet. I looked out the window as the moon rose, and I turned into a werewolf.

  “Ahwooo!”

  “Mom!” Emma yelled from the dining room. “Tell Tom to stop howling! I am trying to do homework!”

  “She’s not doing homework,” I yelled. “She’s texting Carrot Boy!”

  “Don’t call him Carrot Boy!” said Emma.

  “Tom, please don’t howl,” said Mom, from the kitchen.

  “I’m a werewolf, it’s a full moon, I can’t help it!”

  “Well, try not to howl so loudly,” said Mom.

  I tried.

  “Ahwooo!”

  I couldn’t.

  I got up and started pacing back and forth.

  “Someone needs to take wolf-boy for a walk!” said Emma.

  “Mom, can I go run around outside for a while?” I asked.

  She came into the living room. “It’s pretty late. I don’t like you going out at night alone.”

  “Seriously?” said Emma. “He has claws and fangs. He can lift up a car! He can take of himself.”

  “Okay, Tom, but put on your brown jacket,” said Mom.

  “I’m covered in fur. I don’t need a jacket.”

  “But you look so nice in it.”

  “Mom!”

  “Okay, okay, never mind.”

  Dad yelled from the kitchen, “Take Muffin with you. He hasn’t been walked.”