Tom Bites Back

by Steven Banks

  When I first turned into a Vam-Wolf-Zom, Muffin acted afraid of me. But I guess he was getting used to it. In fact, it seemed like Muffin liked me more when I was a werewolf.

  “Come on, Muffin.”

  He trotted over and I put the leash on him before we headed out the front door.

  “Don’t eat anybody!” said Emma.

  * * *

  Professor Beiersdorfer was on his porch in his rocking chair. I hadn’t seen him since Operation: Steal Notebook.

  “Guten Nacht, Thomas. You are the werewolf tonight, yah?”

  “Ahwoooooo!” I couldn’t help howling.

  “Come close so I may see, please?” he asked.

  I went up on the porch and he looked at me. “Very interesting. Excellent example of a lycanthrope.”

  “A what?” I asked.

  “Lycanthrope. Another name for werewolf. From the Greek ‘lykos’ for wolf and ‘anthropos’ for man. So? How did science project work out?”

  “Not so good. We should’ve had you help us.”

  “Next year, perhaps?”

  I wanted to ask him about the robot book, but I couldn’t let him know I knew about it, so I said, “Have you ever written any books, Professor?”

  “Yah. Some science books.”

  “Any other kind?”

  He smiled. “I tried to write a book for children. I used to see you and Ezekiel play robot when you were little. It gave me idea.”

  That was true. When we were kids, Zeke and I made robot suits out of cardboard boxes and had awesome robot wars on my front lawn. I have to admit, I sort of missed doing stuff like that. I bet Zeke would do it if I asked him.

  Professor B said, “Very hard to write good children’s book. I read excellent book by Roald Dahl to try to learn. Charles und Chocolate Factory.”

  That’s why he was reading that the other night! Now it all made sense.

  “Science book easier to write for me,” he said. “So, I give up robot book.”

  “You should finish it, Professor. I’d read it.”

  “Maybe. Or maybe I write about Blutsauger-Wolf Mann-Zombie across the street, yah?” He stood up. “Auf Wiedersehen, Thomas.”

  * * *

  Muffin and I walked toward the park. Half a block away, with my night vision, I saw Tanner Gantt sitting by himself on the swings. I’d seen him there before. I cocked my ear to listen. He was humming to himself. I didn’t want him to see me, so I turned around and went the other way.

  It started to rain, but it didn’t bother me because of my fur. As soon as we walked in the house, Emma said, “Ew! You both smell like wet dog! Yet another disgusting thing I have to put up with!”

  I growled at her.

  So did Muffin.

  Emma growled back.

  28.

  Werewolf Rehearsal

  The next night, Friday, I had already turned into a werewolf by the time I got to Annie’s house for band practice. It was weird to stand in her living room with my friends staring at me.

  “Excellent!” said Zeke, as usual.

  “You are definitely a werewolf,” said Annie.

  “Outstanding coat of fur, Mr. Marks,” said Abel. “Marvelous pigment and coloration.”

  “Does it itch?” asked Dog Hots.

  “No.”

  “Can I touch your arm?” asked Annie.

  “Sure.”

  “Wow. That’s really soft.”

  I didn’t mind Annie petting my arm.

  “Don’t you want to touch it, Capri?” she asked.

  Capri made a face. “Uh…no thanks. Maybe next time.”

  Everyone touched me except Capri. Which was weird, because she was the one who had asked about seeing me as a werewolf.

  “You should’ve taken a video of yourself getting all hairy,” said Dog Hots.

  “You can’t take a video of me, remember—Wait. Hey, Capri, could you draw a picture of me, so I know what I look like when I’m a werewolf?”

  She sighed. “Are you going to tell me how to draw it?”

  “No. I promise.”

  “Aren’t we going to practice?” said Annie.

  “I’ll just do a quick pencil sketch while you guys set up your amps and stuff,” said Capri.

  They set up the equipment and I posed for Capri. I didn’t say anything the whole time she was drawing, so she wouldn’t yell at me. She handed me the picture. Annie was right. I definitely looked like a werewolf. If I saw someone who looked like me, I’d probably run away. Like Martha told me to do if I ever saw Darcourt the werewolf.

  * * *

  Annie played us a new song she’d written. It was about whales or dolphins or porpoises. I wasn’t listening very closely, because I was looking at Capri’s drawing of my werewolf face.

  After finishing, Annie said, “Okay, Tom, this time, sing with me on the chorus.”

  She played the song again and I started to sing along with her.

  “Ahwoooo!”

  Annie stopped playing.

  “Don’t howl, Tom.”

  “Sorry.”

  We sang it again.

  “Ahwoooooo!”

  “Can you please not howl, Tom?”

  “Sorry. I’m not doing it on purpose. I promise.”

  We sang it again.

  “Ahwoooooooooo!”

  Annie stopped playing her guitar. “Tom!”

  “I can’t help it!”

  “Try!”

  I tried not to howl, but I couldn’t stop.

  “Maybe we should do this song when I’m not a werewolf?” I suggested.

  “I agree,” said Annie.

  “Let’s do something that rocks!” said Dog Hots. He started pounding out the beat to “We Will Rock You” by that old band Queen on his snare drum. Everybody else stomped their feet and clapped.

  As I soon as I started singing the words, everybody turned around and looked at me.

  My voice sounded amazing. It was deeper, rougher, louder, and more powerful. I sounded older too.

  “That was awesome!” said Dog Hots.

  “Mega-excellent!” said Zeke.

  Capri smiled. “Wow.”

  “Astonishing change in your vocal quality,” said Abel.

  “I’ll have to write a song for you,” said Annie.

  Maybe our band would get famous! Maybe we’d tour all over the world! Have millions of fans! Make millions of dollars!

  “Do you think it’s because you’re a werewolf?” asked Annie.

  I hadn’t thought of that.

  The next morning, when I woke up, I sang in the shower.

  My older, deeper, rougher, lower voice was gone.

  I guess I could only sing like that when there was a full moon. Why isn’t anything ever one hundred percent perfect?

  29.

  The Invisible Vam-Wolf-Zom

  Halloween was coming up. I love Halloween. It’s one of the best holidays ever invented. I rank it #3 on my list of Top-Ten Best Holidays.

  Tom Marks’s Top-Ten Best Holidays

  (And Why)

  #1. Christmas: I get presents and a two-week vacation. No contest, this is my favorite holiday.

  #2. My Birthday: Presents. Not as many as at Christmas, but they are all for me. (Technically it’s not really a holiday, but it’s my list, so I can put it here.)

  #3. Halloween: Free candy. I get to dress up as somebody else and scare people without getting in trouble.

  #4. Easter/Spring Break: I get a whole week off from school, and some candy.

  #5. Thanksgiving: It’s mostly about food, but I do get two days off from school.

  #6. Tie between Veterans Day, Memorial Day, Martin Luther King Day, and Presidents’ Day: I get one day off from school for each of them. They shoul
d also give us a day off for Benjamin Franklin’s birthday. He did a lot of amazing things. But I wish he’d been a better fighter and had beaten up that vampire Lovick Zabrecky so he didn’t bite Martha Livingston.

  #7. Labor Day: I don’t really know what it’s for. Something about people who work. I get one day off from school.

  #8. The Fourth of July: Fireworks and barbecued hot dogs and hamburgers. It’s during summer vacation, so I’m not in school.

  #9. Valentine’s Day: Some candy, but not the good kind. It can be embarrassing if you don’t get a lot of valentines. I still have to go to school.

  #10. St. Patrick’s Day: I liked it when I was little and we hunted for the leprechaun’s treasure at school and got chocolate gold coins. Mom makes corned beef and cabbage, which I don’t like. But maybe I will now, since I’m a Vam-Wolf-Zom and like any type of meat.

  For some reason I had never dressed up as a vampire or a werewolf or a zombie for Halloween when I was a kid. Now I’m all three, whether I want to be or not. I’m a Halloween character every single day of the year.

  30.

  No Costume, No Candy

  The main reason I was looking forward to Halloween was because I could wear a mask and a costume and nobody would know who I was when I went trick-or-treating. People wouldn’t point at me or stare or whisper, “That’s the Vam-Wolf-Zom kid!”

  You can’t wear a mask at school, so everyone would know who I was there. I decided to wear one costume to school on Friday and the dance that night, and a different costume, with a mask, when I went trick-or-treating.

  Some middle-school kids think they’re too cool to go trick-or-treating. They’re crazy! Why wouldn’t you want to go out and get tons of free candy? I’m going to go trick-or-treating for as long as I can, in high school and maybe even college. And I’m always going to wear a costume. It bugs me when people don’t dress up and still want candy. When I grow up and have a house, I’m not going to give any candy to people if they’re not dressed up. I’m going to put a sign on my front door.

  I won’t care how old you are, as long as you’re in a costume, you get candy.

  I really hate those T-shirts that say “This Is My Halloween Costume.” That is not a costume. No candy for anyone wearing those.

  And kids have to say “Trick or Treat” too. They can’t just stand there and hold their bags out. I hate it when kids don’t say “Trick or Treat.”

  Two weeks before Halloween, I was walking down the hallway to first period and I could smell Tanner Gantt coming up behind me. He smelled like Cheetos as usual.

  “So, what are you gonna be for Halloween, Freak Face? Oh, right! I forgot: You don’t have to put on a mask, you can just come as you are!”

  I didn’t say anything to him. Tanner Gantt doesn’t do Halloween. I’d never seen him go out trick-or-treating. He stands on a corner and makes kids give him their candy by threatening to beat them up, or he steals candy from kids when they bring it to school the next day.

  I went into English and sat down at my desk away from the window. All the teachers let me sit away from the windows so the sun doesn’t shine on me. After the bell rang and Mr. Kessler took roll, there was an announcement on the loudspeaker.

  “Good morning, this is Principal Gonzales. Halloween is coming up and I wanted to go over the rules about costumes at school. You may wear them during the day, when we have our costume contest, and for the dance in the gym that evening. These rules will be in a handout sent to your parents.”

  He cleared his throat and went on.

  “Costumes may not demean or make fun of any group or individual. No inappropriate or revealing costumes, such as skimpy pajamas or bathing suits.”

  Who would want to wear a bathing suit to school?

  “Costumes may not show obscene materials or threats. No prohibited substances or paraphernalia. No masks allowed.”

  “Boo,” said a kid in class.

  “Quiet,” said Mr. Kessler.

  “Makeup is allowed, but nothing offensive, and the student’s face must be visible at all times. No canes. No sticks. No weapon-like items, and that includes lightsabers, all you Jedi Knights. They will be confiscated. No excessive blood.”

  Some kids in the class grumbled.

  “Settle down,” said Mr. Kessler.

  Principal Gonzales went on. “Also, this year we have added a new rule.”

  What else couldn’t we do?

  “This year there can be no vampire…no werewolf…and no zombie costumes. Thank you. Have a happy Halloween!”

  The whole class went crazy.

  “That sucks!”

  “I already made my zombie costume!”

  “No fair!”

  “I just bought a werewolf makeup kit!”

  “Marks, you owe me thirty-five dollars!”

  “My mom made me a vampire cape!”

  “That’s unconstitutional!” (That was Annie.)

  “Thanks for ruining Halloween, Marks!”

  “I’m suing the school!”

  “Knock it off!” said Mr. Kessler. “Look, maybe some of you will have to be more creative this year. Come up with something new and different, so I won’t have to see the same costumes I see every single year when I judge the contest. Personally, I’m tired of vampires, werewolves, and zombies.” Then he looked at me and said, “Not that there’s anything wrong with them.”

  I got a lot of dirty looks from kids the rest of the day.

  It wasn’t my fault I got bit by a vampire and a werewolf and a zombie. Why didn’t anybody understand that?

  31.

  The Randee Rabbit Problem

  I had two weeks to decide what I should wear to school and what I’d wear to trick or treat. And I had to deal with Zeke’s Halloween costume.

  Zeke has worn the same costume for the past three years. He dresses up as Randee Rabbit. It’s a character in Rabbit Attack!, which is also known as The Worst Video Game Ever. Zeke plays it every day. I am not kidding.

  Zeke made me buy Rabbit Attack! before I had played it. Big mistake. I played it one time, and it was horrible. He’s always trying to get me to play it with him, but I refuse. Once was enough. I was so mad after I played it that one time, I actually wrote a letter to the creators.

  Dear Machine-Box Video Games,

  Rabbit Attack! is the worst video game I have ever played. Why would you make such a boring game? Who wants a game where rabbits just throw carrots back and forth at each other? I used my allowance money from three months to buy it. I would like my money back, or a better game. Death Bomb Massacre or World War Ten look good.

  A very unhappy customer,

  Thomas Marks

  Two weeks later I got a letter from them in the mail.

  Dear Thomas Marks,

  We are very sorry you did not like Rabbit Attack! Unfortunately we cannot refund your money, or send you another game, but we are enclosing some Rabbit Attack! stickers.

  Keep Gaming!

  Ms. Kristy Randall, Customer Service

  P.S. Try throwing some carrots down the rabbit hole.

  I gave the stickers to Zeke. He loved them and put them all over his skateboard, which we are ninety-nine percent sure Tanner Gantt stole.

  * * *

  They don’t sell Randee Rabbit costumes, because no one would buy them, except Zeke. His costume is really an Easter Bunny costume. He adds a red headband, wears a patch on one eye, and puts a little bit of black makeup on his nose. He has a bandolier, which is one of those belts that people wear across their chest with bullets in it, except Zeke puts carrots in his. He looks ridiculous.

  When we go trick-or-treating, nobody knows who he’s supposed to be. He has to explain it at every single house we go to.

  “Trick or treat!”

  “Who are you supposed to be, k
id?”

  “I’m Randee Rabbit!”

  “Never heard of him.”

  “Seriously? You’ve never heard of Randee Rabbit?!”

  Zeke acts like Randee Rabbit is as famous as Harry Potter.

  Then Zeke starts to tell them about the game. By that time they usually just give us candy and tell us to go away, so the kids who have started lining up behind us can get their candy. We end up wasting a lot of time and not going to as many houses and not getting as much candy.

  I was going to make sure this didn’t happen again.

  “Zeke, you can’t be Randee Rabbit this year.”

  “I got it covered, Bat-Tom!”

  “What do you mean?”

  He pulled out a picture of Randee Rabbit. “If people don’t know who he is, I’ll show them this. On the back it explains about him and the game. I made copies so I can hand them out.”

  I told Zeke he could be Randee Rabbit at school and the dance, if he wanted to—but I strongly recommended that he didn’t, because we were middle-schoolers now. I did tell him he had to wear something different on Halloween night when we went trick-or-treating. If people saw him dressed up as Randee Rabbit, they’d know it was me with him, no matter what costume and mask I was wearing.

  I decided to wear the Creepy Clown costume that Mom had found for trick-or-treating. I bet that a lot of kids would be wearing those, but I didn’t care. All I cared about was that nobody would know I was a Vam-Wolf-Zom.

  32.

  Do Not Try on the Masks!

  I was in Art class, trying to draw some apples that Mr. Baker had arranged in a bowl, but mine ended up looking like pumpkins. I was also trying to think of a good Halloween school costume that followed the stupid rules, but could maybe win the contest. I looked up at that self-portrait by Vincent van Gogh on the wall and got a great idea.