Awkward Adventures in Dating

by Elsa Kurt

  As promised, The Breaking Point…

  She’d known for months she was going to ‘pull the plug’ so to speak, she just didn’t know how. Keira practiced speeches in her mind, sometimes even while he was speaking to her, or rather, at her. She imagined scenarios. Dinner in a nice restaurant, she’d put her hand over his and say, ‘I’m sorry, Darren, but this isn’t working anymore.’ Or, a letter. ‘Darren, by the time you read this, we’ll be far, far away…’ But she couldn’t do that to the girls. As much of a jerk as he was, he loved his kids, and they loved him. She pictured a big, blow out fight, screaming, ‘I hate you, and I want a divorce, you prick.’ and throwing a vase at his head and storming out the door while he begged and whimpered for her not to leave him.

  It happened out of the blue and with little fanfare. Keira had sent the kids off on the school bus and was in the kitchen, writing a grocery list when Darren walked in.

  “Breakfast? Or are you too busy doing... whatever it is you do around here when you’re not breaking or losing shit?”

  You might think that was the moment. But it wasn’t. No, Keira merely shook her head and made his breakfast, the usual— two fried eggs, two, slices of rye toast, six slices of bacon. Orange juice. Coffee with a splash of milk. She set it down before him, then sat back down to finish her list.

  “Uh, a napkin? Or do you want me to use my tie?”

  Nope still not the moment. Keira got up again and brought Darren his napkin, deciding this time to take her list into the dining room.

  “What? You can’t sit with me and converse before I go work twelve hours selling cars, so you can live like a princess?”

  Keira strode back and sat down, a cool, calm expression hiding the stream of fuck-you’s that simmered below the placid glacier that was her face. If she reacted, it would only be fuel for him. It had taken her a while to master the skill, but master it, she did. It drove him nuts to not get a reaction from her. It was a tactical game of chess, a power struggle that was their daily existence.

  “So, Keir. What are your exciting plans today? Watching your soaps? Visiting your mom? Oh, I know. How ‘bout do some laundry. That would be fun, no wouldn’t it?”

  “Sounds great, Darren. Thanks for the suggestions.”

  He eyed her for a moment, calculating, saying nothing, breathing heavily. She pretended not to notice, but she could feel his eyes boring through her skull. At last, she looked up. It was what he’d been waiting for. Without taking his eyes off her, he raised a slice of toast. Right before shoving the whole piece into his mouth, he smiled, baring his straight, even white teeth. The smile never reached his ice-blue eyes though. To think she once thought his face to be the most handsome she’d ever seen. Now it only reminded her of a great white shark. The only sound in the room was the slow, deliberate crunch, crunch, crunch.

  “Can. You. Not?”

  “What, Keir? This?”

  Darren grabbed another slice, shoveled it in his mouth, even though the first piece was still in there (or part of it, at least). He dared Keira with his eyes to say something, to lose her shit. He wanted her to yell, slam her pen down, have a fit. He added guttural noises for effect, intending to drive her over the edge of madness. And that was the moment. However, it didn’t come with a scream or shattered vase, but delighted wonder in her voice.

  “I want a divorce.”

  “Oh, calm the fuck down, Keir. I have to chew.”

  “Yes, I know, Darren. And I am calm. I want a divorce.”

  Darren froze, stunned. The color drained from his still too-handsome face then rushed back in, flooding his face with mottled red blooms

  “What? Are you kidding me right now? Are you serious? You couldn’t survive for a minute on your own.”

  “I’m serious, Darren. I want you to stay somewhere else tonight. Let’s try to do this with civility. We both—”

  “Oh, fuck you, Keir. Fuck you. You want a divorce? Fine. Fucking fine. I’m out.”

  He slammed his fist down on the table hard enough to send a spray of coffee and juice across the table, dotting the grocery list, the table, and her blouse. She stayed stock still as he stomped past her and grabbed his car keys, slamming the front door as he left. A moment later she could hear the squeal of tires and then he was gone. Mercifully gone.

  She let out the breath she hadn’t realized she’d been holding, had been holding for years. Then she did the most surprising thing of all. She laughed. She tried to cover the laugh with her hand, but it refused to be stifled. It was that shaky cry-laugh that comes from a release of nerves and fear and a rush of adrenaline.

  ‘Holy shit. I did it,’ she whispered. And whenever things became difficult and awful, she reminded herself of that moment, that immeasurable relief of when she finally set herself free. She would not be backing down ever again.

  I threw a party that night, invited all her friend’s and family’s narrators, drank till the wee hours of the morning in celebration. A glorious night, it was. Back to the present, yes?

  Thirty minutes later she parked before a dockside restaurant with the sun slowly setting in a breathtaking array of colors over the water. If nothing else, she would have beautiful scenery to enjoy. The night was perfect— warm and still with an occasional mild breeze, so she asked the waiter to sit her by the water and told him she was expecting someone, could she start with a glass of wine? Once he’d walked away, she texted Molly.

  The eagle has landed.

  Wait, dove. The dove

  has landed.

  Whatev, I’m at rest.

  You?

  As the waiter delivered her glass of wine, her phone chimed.

  WTF are you

  Trying to say? Is he there,

  Or just you?

  Yes, I’m at bar. 2nd glass.

  Second glass? Oh, no, thought Keira. Molly was funny at one drink, hysterical at two, but at three? Well, she had a Jekyll and Hyde thing going. If she was already at two, things would go downhill fast.

  Drink water. Hydrate.

  “Excuse me, Keira?”

  Keira was so startled by the voice she jumped. When she did, her phone flew out of her hand, smacking the man, who would, of course, turn out to be Jason, in the... well, privates. Her cellphone smacked him in the dick. He grunted.

  “I— oh, shit. I’m so sorry. Yes, hi. I’m Keira. You’re Jason. And my phone—”

  “All good, all good. I’m fine, really. Wow, you’re even more beautiful in person.”

  “Aw, thank you. You look— I like— your… face.”

  “This is your first MateMatch date, isn’t it?”

  They both laughed. It couldn’t have been more obvious, she supposed. Even though she hadn’t meant to blurt that out, it was true. He had a cute, careworn face and a relaxed manner about him. She needed to chill as Violet would say.

  “Oh, boy. Yes, it is. Um, not your first?”

  “No full disclosure, it is not. There was one crazy, one really crazy, one super nice and then the fourth one.”

  “The fourth one? How was that one?”

  “Well, I’ll tell you at the end of the evening.”

  “Ah, smooth.”

  She raised her glass in a salute and smiled. Keira wasn’t sure how that comment affected her. She hoped he wasn’t expecting — “Sex on the Beach. Hold the umbrella, thanks.”

  The waiter nodded and moved away.

  “Is that a real drink? Wow, where have I been?”

  “Yeah, don’t laugh, it’s really good. You’re welcome to try mine.”

  “Oh, thanks, but I think I’ll stick with the wine this time.”

  Oh, crap, she said ‘this time.’ Which implied that she thought there’d be a next time. Jeez, she sucked at this. Thankfully, he ignored it.

  “So, appetizers to start? If we hit it off, and I feel like we already are, then we can move on to dinner?”

  Striking the man in the… manhood with your phone and saying, ‘I like your face’ constitutes hitting
it off, hmm?

  Keira said, “And if not?”

  “Then I guess one of us could give our friend the get-me-outta-here text, get the fake emergency phone call immediately after, and make like a tree and leave.”

  “I’m sorry, did you say, ‘make like a tree and leave’?”

  “Cut me some slack, I have a seven-year-old boy who’s really into similes, idioms, oh, and toilet humor. I’ve got a shocking bad potty joke. Would you like to hear it?”

  “Oh, nope. No thank you, I think I will pass.”

  They both laughed, and Keira relaxed. She was going to have fun and not worry about whether they were ‘hitting it off.’ Keira already decided she liked him, but she didn’t like him. Sure, he had a sweet face, dressed and spoke well and bore no reminiscence of Darren, but there was something in his mannerisms and gestures that didn’t appeal to her. Enough so she couldn’t find herself attracted to him. In a word? There was no chemistry. The realization took all the pressure off her (the wine helped, too) and she let down her guard.

  They moved on to dinner, which led to dessert, and last, a walk along the pier. At thirty-four, Keira knew well enough the dating game, so she anticipated Jason making the clichéd move to kiss her under the stars and moon. She would let him, curious if it would spark a fire down below. She was loose and carefree from the wine, and figured, ‘why not?’

  “So, Keira. I had a wonderful time tonight. I hope you did, too?”

  Cliché. Yawn.

  “I did, too, Jason. Great food, great drink, and great company.”

  Blech, she’d laid it on too thick. Damn.

  “Did I tell you how beautiful you look?”

  Oh, my. Here it comes. The lean in. Eww, he licked his lips. Head tilt. He’s going for it. Not a bad technique. Are your eyes open, Keira? Close them, bad kissing etiquette, dear. I can tell, no spark. Well, not on your side of the lip lock. Definitely a spark on his side.

  She could feel it against her hip. That was a lot of… thinking for a kiss that lasted only five seconds. In fairness, five seconds was a long time to be in a mildly interesting kiss.

  “I’d like to see you again, Keira.”

  “Oh. That’s nice of you.”

  Oh, my. That was a lame response. He caught you unprepared, didn’t he?

  “I mean, sure. I’d like that.”

  But would you? I mean, you’re not even interested in him.

  “Great. I have tickets to a play at the Bushnell Theatre next week. Would you like to go?”

  Huh. Well, maybe she was a little interested.

  “That sounds great.”

  Ugh, that word again. You’ve used it at least five times already. Great.

  “Okay, then. Well, I’d walk you to your car, but I think that’s against your friends’ rules?”

  Over dinner they’d discussed ‘Online Dating Protocol for Women According to Molly’, acknowledging it was a pity that women had to think that way and go to such lengths. She’d relayed the rules with a comedic lightness but now found herself grateful that he had taken them seriously. A check in his favor… yet still not enough to make her want to jump his bones. He further solidified his good-guy-in-the-modern-world by leaving first, so she’d have no fear of him following her home or anything else creepy.

  The date was a success, barring the phone incident. As for online dating as a concept, her feelings were mixed. On the one hand, it suited her perfectly. Sitting safely behind her computer, not being forced to interact or turn someone down if she wasn’t interested. On the other, it was hard to ignore the lack of normalcy in such an activity. Deeming someone worthy or unworthy of attention based on their appearance seemed unfair, even if it was a natural behavior that most, if not all, humans engaged in.

  Oh, I really must pause here. Pardon me, but this will be a tiresome lament from our champion. She’ll teeter back and forth on the merits of in giving everyone a chance, then recall she’s always had lousy judgment, either way, then she goes back again to principle, and on and on. Watch, you’ll see…

  By the time she was half-way home, she’d decided she’d finish out her three-month trial period on MateMatch, but that would be the end of her man-shopping experience whether Molly liked it or not. Molly. Keira realized that, through their ongoing texts throughout the night, she had promised Molly she’d call as soon as the date ended. Hers had not gone quite so well as Keira’s, and she wanted to fill her in.

  “Call Molly, mobile,” she instructed her new smart-phone.

  “Calling… Robby, Mobile.”

  “What? No. End.”

  “Did you say ‘send’?”

  “No, damn it. END. END.”

  “I’m sorry, I don’t understand your command. Goodbye.”

  Keira sighed. Technology, yay. Molly, with her crazy best-friend Spidey-Sense, spared her the re-try.

  “Are you alive and safe, princess?”

  “Um, I’m answering my phone, Mols. Yes, silly, I’m fine, about to call you, in fact. Except my stupid smartphone dialed He Whose Name—”

  “…Shall Not Be Spoken, yeah, yeah. Nice job. So, how’d it go with Yacht Boy?”

  “Good, it was good. He was very nice. In fact, I’m going to see him again.”

  “Really? Wow, look at you, stepping way out of your bubble, Barbie. I think I’ll call you Adventure Barbie now. Well, I’m glad one of us had fun.”

  “Oh, boy. So how bad was it?”

  “Hmm, well let’s see... do I start with his height? He stood five-foot-nine, at best. Or that he does not, in fact, own a Harley? Decisions, decisions. Oh, wait, I should tell you about his tiny man hands and his Prius.”

  Keira laugh-groaned at poor Molly’s fiasco of a date.

  “But his picture—”

  “Lied. What’s it called when something looks bigger in a picture that the object it’s next to?”

  “Um, forced perspective?”

  “Yeah, that. And the Harley belonged to his neighbor. Anyhow, I left him at the bar and got drunk with Kate at her house.”

  “But you didn’t even use our secret code.”

  “Nope, I told him I had an early day tomorrow and left.”

  “Oh, Molly. That poor guy.”

  “Poor guy, my ass. He was already hitting on the bartender before I was out the door.”

  “Okay, well… the next one will be better.”

  “Yeah, yeah. We’ll see. If not, I’m done with this MateMatch bullshit. Anyhow, don’t forget— Kate’s house tomorrow at 1pm. Lilly’s going to be there, too. You can fill us all in on all the dirty details of your date with Yacht Boy.”

  “Nothing dirty, sorry to disappoint you, dear. We kissed, that was it. See you tomorrow.”

  “Wait a minute. How was this kiss? Did he get a boner? Did ya touch it?”

  “Molly. What is wrong with you. I did not touch his boner, nor do I know if he had one or not. The kiss was nice.”

  Oh, you’re lying. You could too, in fact, feel a hard bulge when Yacht Boy kissed you. Admit it, you liked it. Little minx, you are. It made you feel a little wicked and wanted. So, you neither encouraged nor discouraged the contact.

  When he’d breathed a winded ‘sorry’ in her ear, she merely squeezed his arm and smiled coyly before saying she’d better leave. It’d been a while since she’d wanted anything romantic or with passionate and she wanted time to process the feelings by herself before sharing it. She told herself that she would tell Molly— Kate, and Lily as well— when she was ready. She ended her call with Molly with promises to talk more the next day and continued her drive with a satisfied smirk on her now lipstick-less lips.

  Home at last and exhausted from her first MateMatch adventure, Keira locked the door and headed straight up to bed right after a quick shower, but instead of going to sleep as she should have, she opened her laptop. Two chat windows opened the moment she did. One of them was Jason, the other was the guy Troy she’d considered. First, she responded to Jason’s.

  Hey,
just wanted to

  make sure you got home

  safe. Thx for a nice

  night. Sorry about— you know.

  Look forward to

  next week. Promise I’ll

  have better self-control...

  Hmm. No waiting the twenty-four hours before contact game. Nice, but it also made her wonder if Jason was looking for an insta-girlfriend.

  Spoiler— he was.

  Perhaps she shouldn’t have accepted another date so quickly. She definitely wasn’t looking for an insta-boyfriend. Then again, perhaps she was over-thinking it all, and this was how grownups dated. She had no clue. Either way, she would be straightforward at all times, so there’d be no misunderstandings.

  Home safe n sound, thx.

  See you next week. No worries

  about... you know. Flattered,

  actually.

  Oh, and you’re not my

  boyfriend.

  Keira deleted that last sentence before hitting send. She supposed that she should wait to see his behavior next week before being compelled to give him the ‘let’s keep this casual’ talk. Knowing herself as she did, Keira realized how easy it would be for her to get swept up in someone else’s plans and wants, but having been there, done that, she was also hyper-aware of needing to take complete and total control of her life. This was a time for her to meet new people, try new things, and have a few new adventures. Hell, maybe even have casual sex. Okay, well, have casual sex again. No settling down, damn it. In fact, she would chat with Troy, then browse the MateMatch matches and see who else she’d like to meet before her trial period ended.

  Hi Troy. Just seeing your