Awkward Adventures in Dating

by Elsa Kurt

  message. Sure, I’d like

  to get together. How does

  Thursday 7pm work for you?

  Won’t Molly be shocked and amazed? Keira Aileen Travis asked a man out, history made. Now, on to man-browsing. She opened the dating site, but instead of looking at who they had chosen for her, she skipped to the main page and scrolled. Each photograph got a gut reaction rating. Cute. Ehh. Eww. Nice. Nope. Nope. Nope. Hmm. At ‘hmm’ she stopped. Those eyes.

  “All right, Mr. Interesting Eyes. What’s your deal?”

  Curious, she clicked on his profile name. BLUE4606 and read his bio.

  So, this is different. Not sure what to

  say here, so I’ll give you the basics.

  I’m 46, divorced

  (married 14 years)

  No kids. Two small dogs.

  I like boating, hiking, reading,

  open to new adventures. I can take it

  uptown or downtown. Oh, and

  of course, long walks on

  the beach, too. LOL

  Keira smiled as she then moved on to his pictures. Clean cut, short hair with a hint of gray and a side part. Like Cary Grant, ooh, I likey. Him on a boat, half smile, and those eyes. Him in a tank top (the kind Molly referred to as wife-beaters, no smile, great body, but not a total muscle head, and those eyes. Two others— a head shot and one with two tan colored dogs that may or may not be Shih-Tzu’s. What’s up with this guy? Why did she keep going back to his eyes? It’s not like they were electric blue, or green or any unusual color— in fact, they were simply brown. But they looked like they’d seen everything there was to see in the world, and the world had left its imprint on his soul.

  Oh, dear, Keira. Listen to yourself. Enough. No more Mr. Interesting Eyes. He’s probably trouble, so move on.

  The chat box chimed in the corner of her screen.

  KAT — It’s a plan.

  Thurs, 7pm

  MAX’S? — Troy

  Well, wasn’t he straight to the point. MAX’S was an upscale restaurant two towns over and a perfect location. They could sit on the outdoor patio and park right in front, so no uncomfortable conversation about why he couldn’t walk her to her car. She responded her own short, right to the point reply and closed her laptop, suddenly realizing all her new ‘people-ing’ exhausted her. Tomorrow was a new day to look forward to, since the kids (and the dogs.) would be home in the evening.

  Well, now. That wasn’t so bad, now was it? Seems as though she’s getting the hang of it all, right? Oh, if it were that easy. Our girl may very well be on her way. However, she’s still, shall I say, a calamity waiting to occur. Will she fall into another instant relationship with one of these men, or won’t she? All signs point to yes, based on history. Although I dare say, she sounded somewhat resolute back a few pages ago. Hmm. Bets, anyone?

  5 PLAYING THE FIELD

  Chapter Four in The Smart Woman’s Guide to Dating. If you plan on playing the field, proceed with caution, ladies. That is tricky territory to navigate and fraught with challenges. Only a real pro can do this with ease. Not a task for novices.

  “Hey, Ladies.”

  Keira was the last to arrive at Kate’s, the others were already by the pool, Bloody Mary’s in hands.

  “It’s about time you joined us, princess. Hungover, perhaps?”

  “Not at all, thank you. No, I decided on making a few last-minute revisions to my article and of course it took longer than I’d expected. Oh, and then I had to get my shoe out of the pond. But, it’s done, and off to the editor, the shoe is drying as I speak, so I’m free to party. Well, at least until 6.00.”

  “Uh, how did— never mind. Is that when Darren the Dick is bringing the girls home?”

  “Oh, boy, Molly’s got you calling him that now, too, Kate?”

  “Um, Keira, we’ve all called him that for years. Sorry, honey, but that man is a one-hundred percent, certified, total dick with a capital ‘D,’” announced Lilly.

  “Well, then I guess I’ll drink to that… if the hostess here would pour me one of those Bloody Mary’s, that is.”

  “Already poured, my dear. Cheers.”

  The four women clinked glasses. Then three of them handed Keira napkins to clean her spill.

  “Okay, but to be fair, he has been much better lately. He’s at about eighty-four percent dick.”

  “Uh-oh,” said Molly, “that must mean he wants something.”

  Lilly and Kate nodded in agreement. They all had known Darren well enough over the years to not like him or take him at his word. Even though Keira suspected as much, too, she hoped he was merely continuing his personal development and become a better human being. Before she could say as much, Kate changed the subject.

  “So, girls, Lilly and I want to hear all about your dating adventures. Spare no dirty details.”

  “Yeah, you two, tell the marrieds what it’s like to be free and wild,” added Lilly.

  “Please, Lilly, you’re the happiest married couple I’ve ever seen. And you, Kate… well, you and Tony are so, so dynamic.”

  “Ha. That’s one way of putting it, Keira. If by dynamic, you mean I want to kill him at least six days out of the week, sure, we’ll go with that.”

  Kate and Tony had met on her pre-college trip to Europe, in Italy. He was American-Italian, visiting family. They fell passionately in love and married three weeks after they met, shocking and horrifying both of their families. Sixteen years, a trial separation, and four kids later, they were still going despite their volatile, intense relationship, so no one bothered questioning it anymore.

  “Billy and I have our share of difficulties, too. It’s not always hearts and flowers in the Kenley-White house.”

  “Really, Lilly White? You mean Billy only kisses your ass twenty-three hours out of the day? Tragic, truly tragic.”

  “It is Lilly Kenley-White, thank you, and Billy does not ‘kiss my ass.’ He’s… attentive to my needs, is all. And, fine, though I adore him, he can be bit…”

  “Clingy,” finished the three women in unison.

  Three Bloody Mary glasses clinked again. They each handed napkins to Keira. Again.

  “Oh, now, leave Lilly alone. She can’t help if she looks like a raven-haired goddess and that everything she does is perfection,” laughed Kate.

  “Oh, yes, I’m so perfect. Someone tell that to my uterus, will you?”

  Lilly had been trying to conceive for six years, nearly the whole length of her marriage, and had recently been told it was not ever likely to happen. Her outward disposition suggested she’d taken it in stride, but a comment like that one was a crack in the facade.

  “Aw, honey. How are you two doing with all of that?”

  Lilly was proud and private, so this was delicate territory.

  “Well, it’s been hard. I mean, Billy— well, he’s trying so hard to act like everything is fine. Like we’re fine. But, honestly? I don’t know. When I stopped modeling, I thought it was to start a family. And now…”

  “Have you guys talked about other possibilities? Adoption, IVF…”

  “Oh, sure. I mean, I keep thinking, ‘what if I can’t love a child I didn’t conceive?’ It’s scary. Anyhow. This will make you laugh. Especially you, Molly, Miss. Evil. Billy wanted to name our baby Milly if we had a girl, and Willy if we had a boy. Makes me think the universe was trying to stop him.”

  “Oh, Lils— You mean you’d all be Billy, Lilly, Milly, and Willy White? I can’t, you’re killin’ me.”

  They all laughed, lightening the somber mood that had fallen over them. Lilly was ready for a topic change, so Keira launched into her MateMatch story.

  Molly, almost falling out of her lounge chair asked, “Wait, wait. Go back to the part when you threw your phone at his dick.”

  “Very nice, Molly. I did not throw it at him. He startled me. Whatever. Your turn. Tell us about Mr. Not a Harley.”

  Molly launched into what turned out to be a hysterical disaster date story, from t
he point when she realized he was shorter than what he’d listed, to the fact he drove a Prius and not a Harley.

  Kate sounded nothing less than sardonic when she said, “So, Mol, Prius guy... not your type?”

  “Fuck no. Do I look like I’d even fit into a God damn Pruis? My left boob wouldn’t even fit. No, moving on to the next one on the list. How ‘bout you, princess? You sticking with Yacht Boy?”

  “Well, actually, I will meet Troy and see Jason again.”

  Molly made another show of pretending to fall out of her chair, Lilly and Kate looked surprised.

  “Well, look at you, you little slut. Keira Travis is about to play the field.”

  “Yup. I am. Watch out world, here I come. Actually, here I go. It’s about time for me to hit the road. Kate, thank you for the drink, sorry for the spills. Tell Tony and the kids I said hello when they get back from camping. Lilly, come over anytime for those bearded Iris, I have plenty to spare. And you, Molly-Dolly, I will talk to you later. Bye bitches.”

  They pretended not to notice Keira get her sleeve caught in the fence gate. Once she disengaged, she called out her goodbyes again. Then Keira dashed straight home and into the garden. She had about half an hour before Darren brought the kids back and wanted to spend it quietly by her small fish pond. It was one of her favorite peaceful spots in the yard. She’d hand dug it herself over three days, laying in the liner, constructing a fountain from flat stones and edging it with pieces of slate she’d salvaged from her neighbor, then at last filling with brightly colored goldfish, snails, and water plants. It was far from perfect, which pleased her because it meant it would be an ongoing project.

  As it always did, time flew while she was out in her happy place, and before long, Darren’s always too-loud voice shattered the serenity.

  “Keir. Keir. You out here?”

  “Yes, yes. Jesus, I’m here, Darren, no need to shout. Where are the girls?”

  “Out front still, walking the damn dogs. Those little fuckers are a pain in the ass.”

  “Uh, yeah, I know. They know the dogs have their pen for doing business back here why are they out front?”

  “Yeah, I, uh, I wanted to run something by you.”

  Great. Molly’s words came back to haunt her, ‘uh, oh, that must mean he wants something.’

  “Oh? What’s up?”

  Keira kept her voice neutral. But she was on guard. The early part of their divorce, when Darren was pure venom and bitterness and pulled several shitty stunts, was never far from her mind despite their truce.

  “Well, you know how my Dad lives in Florida? He invited the girls and me to spend a couple weeks with him there, and I could get the time from work so...”

  “So, you want to take the girls on vacation. Wow. I mean, yeah, it’s fine, I just… well, they’ve never gone away without me. It’s weird to even imagine.”

  “Yeah, I do. It’s only two weeks, though. We’d leave on the third and come back on the seventeenth.”

  “The third of July? So, they’d be gone for the holiday?”

  So that was this catch, a holiday. More than that, their first holiday apart. It conflicted Keira. The idea of sending her babies on a plane, without her by their sides struck a chord of anxiety in her. Even if it was with their own father. Still, it was…

  “Only 4th of July, it’s not like it's Christmas or anything. What do you say, Keir?”

  Keira sighed. She had no other reason than, ‘I don’t want my babies thousands of miles away from me’ so she grudgingly agreed.

  “Great. I already bought the tickets so that’s a relief. My dad will really appreciate this. He always liked you, Keir.”

  “Yeah, yeah. I like him, too. Tell him I said hello. Wait a minute. You already bought the tickets? How did you know I’d say yes?”

  He shrugged and gave that obnoxious shark smile of his, making her instantly regret agreeing so quickly. She should have made him sweat it out for a while. Damn it. The girls and the dogs came bounding around the corner.

  “There’s my babies. I missed you guys.”

  “Geez, Mom, I’m almost fourteen, not a baby. Missed you, too. Can we have breakfast dinner tonight,” asked Violet.

  Keira’s gaze was quizzical as she looked at Darren, who once again shrugged and said,

  “Sorry, we had breakfast for dinner Saturday night, and they thought it was a blast. Oh, and we had pizza Friday night,” said Darren.

  “And, Mom, we had ice cream for breakfast this morning.” shouted Lola. At ten, she easily had the energy and exuberance of all, including the puppies, put together.

  “Lola. That was supposed to be our little secret. Man, kids have no loyalty these days. All right, girls, on that note, Daddy is outta here. Give your old man hugs.”

  Both girls hugged their father, then Violet pulled back and looked from one adult to the other.

  “Dad, did you ask Mommy yet?”

  Darren dropped his head, then looked up at Keira sideways, waiting for the reaction that was sure to come.

  “Darren? Did you discuss Florida with the girls before talking with me?”

  Violet was solemn when she said, “Mom, don’t be annoyed with Daddy, I overheard him talking on the phone to Grampa, so he had to tell me. I’ll go get you a bandage while you two talk.”

  Keira blinked at him, puzzled. Darren pointed to the thin line of blood leaving a track down her shin with an amused head shake.

  “Oh. Rosebush. Anyhow, of course, that’s how it happened. No worries.”

  Keira said the last words over-brightly, a smiled plastered to her face as the girls got out of earshot, but as soon as they were she gave him a disgusted look and hissed,

  “Low, Darren. Very low. She just happened to ‘overhear’ you, hmmm?”

  “You’re right. Sorry. I was afraid you’d say no to me, but I figured you couldn’t say no to them. It was like insurance, cuz I kinda didn’t take insurance out on the tickets, so...”

  “Oh, come on, I wouldn’t keep them from doing things with you. There’s no need for manipulation, Darren.”

  The girls were back within hearing, so they both put on their happy voices and said happy, friendly goodbyes. Once he was gone, and the dogs tired out, they went inside the house. The girls were a nonstop stream of chatter, telling Keira all about everything they did at their Dad’s place, how many times the puppies had accidents in the condo, and all about their plans for their visit to Florida. If they were at all concerned about not having their mother along with them for the trip, they made no mention. She vowed to keep her trepidations to herself and encouraged their enthusiasm even though she had none.

  After the kids had gone to bed, she finally allowed herself to think about the impending trip and the fact that he’d sprung that on her with little time to prepare, and that he’d told them first. Same old sneaky Darren. They’d be leaving in under ten days. Gone for fourteen. It made sad and hollow, but she reminded herself that she was the one who wanted the divorce. She was the one who chose to live separate lives. She hadn’t considered the girls not always being with her.

  In all her visions, she imagined her and her girls doing everything together, not even thinking about Darren’s role. But, of course, that’s not how it works, and she would adjust and accept the fact. Still, the thoughts that always plagued her since the divorce seeped into her brain like a black oil slick. What if they have more fun with him? What if they want to live with him and visit her? The thoughts made her stomach clench in fear.

  She couldn’t compete with his spending habits, nor was she willing to play that kind of ‘buying-your-kids-affection’ game. She refused to compete, damn it. Still, she agonized.

  She was fun, too, but not the kind of fun he was. She didn’t play board and video games with them like he did. Instead, she took them on nature walks and read books. Stop it, Keira. No, she would have to trust that the kids understood that Daddy was the buyer of ‘things,’ the fun one, and overgrown playmate, while Mommy
was the provider of comfort, security, stability.

  Her heavy thoughts kept sleep at bay, so she took her laptop from the nightstand, intending to only check her work emails. The moment the screen lit up, there was the telltale ding of the MateMatch chat window, and another. Troy and Jason. Sigh. She wasn’t in the mood to chat with either, but neither did she want to be rude. To Jason’s ‘hey, how’s it going’ she responded.

  All good. Long day, just heading

  to bed. See you next week.

  And to Troy’s, ‘Hello, pretty lady. Confirming Thursday. Still on?’ she answered,

  Hey yourself. Still on. See you

  then, goodnight.

  A few minutes later they both responded. Keira rolled her eyes when she read their messages. They’d both said the same thing.

  Sweet dreams. Looking forward

  to our date.

  Wow, did they all go to MateMatch Messaging 101 together? Closing the chat windows, Keira had a sudden urge to look at Mr. Interesting Eyes again. Blue4606, whatever that stood for. Nothing had changed, his eyes were still interesting, his two dogs were still cute, and his bio made her smile again. Maybe he would stumble across her profile, or they would get ‘MateMatched’ based on their shared interests, then she’d be spared the awkwardness of making the first move. She was an old-fashioned girl at heart.

  She rolled her eyes at her own ridiculousness and called it a night by closing the laptop, then her light, and last, her eyes. Tomorrow she was taking the girls to the zoo and a picnic. Her rueful acknowledgement allowed that she was probably more excited than they were before drifting off to a strange dream-filled sleep.

  Sigh. Such a pity and shame. All Keira had ever wanted in life was to live a simple, traditional life. Marriage, kids, dog, picket fence… a doting husband to whom she could be an adoring wife. She’d wished it, dreamed it, written in her journal about it, and prayed for it. Instead, she got Darren the Dick. Yet, from it all, she also got two beautiful daughters, and they were her silver lining to every cloud. But what is this on the horizon? Mr. Interesting Eyes, indeed. And what of Yacht Boy and, oh, what was the other one? My, our protagonist is weaving a tangled web, isn’t she?