Awkward Adventures in Dating

by Elsa Kurt

  “Aw, Mom, don’t yell at the poor guy.”

  Keira ignored her and typed hard on the keyboard.

  Jason. Please do not ever, EVER message

  with my children. That was HIGHLY

  inappropriate of you.

  She hit send harder than necessary and before taking a moment to soften her words. It was so unlike her to be harsh. However, her kids were off limits and out of bounds. The nerve. Sure, she should’ve told him she was moving on. But two dates (okay, and one night of sex) did not constitute the level of persistence he was displaying.

  “Wow, Mom. Relax. So, now that we’re on the subject, I know you’re seeing someone. So, when do we meet him?”

  “Let me guess, your father’s big mouth? Yes, nosy, I am seeing someone, and you’re not meeting him for a while. Not until it’s serious and—”

  “If he’s not a whack job like R—”

  “Don’t say it. But yes, exactly.”

  “Oh, come on. What’s the big deal? Besides, shouldn’t me and Lola get to weigh in? Well, me, at least. Lola likes everyone, so you can’t go by her.”

  Keira shook her head in amazement. Violet presented a reasonable argument for meeting Kyle. But in the back of her head were the words in the increasingly stupid dating book. ‘Don’t introduce the children to the men you date. It’ll confuse and maybe even damage them.’

  Of course, if she listened or followed her mother’s example, she’d have introduced them to everyone. In her defense, Keira didn’t feel damaged or confused by the long line of her mother’s boyfriends. Exhausted with it, but Chloe had always been a great mom to Keira and her brother. A little eccentric, a lot flighty, and often unpredictable, but still entertaining. And she lived her life the way she wanted to, and not by anyone else’s rules. So, was that so bad? Keira was torn and decided on a compromise, and honesty.

  “Truth is, Violet, I’m not sure what’s the right thing to do here. You-Know-Who was a disaster, and you two had a front-row seat for it, and I did not feel good about that. However, you have a valid point about weighing in. How about two more weeks?”

  “Ugh, two weeks? Geez, Mom. I say one week. So, is he hot? Cuz, uh, No Name? Not so much. What does he do? Is he tall? Does he—”

  “Violet. Oh, my God, here. This is what he looks like,” Keira pulled up on of his pictures on the laptop, “and yes, he is tall. Six-foot, one to be exact. And… he’s a police officer.”

  Keira watched Violet’s face as she took in his appearance and her description. She studied his picture, cocked her head to the side, then squinted at him, and at last said,

  “Yup, he’s hot. A week is too long to wait, too. Well, I’m going over Ana’s to talk about how traumatized I am by my mother’s dating life. Kidding. I’m just kidding, Mom. You should’ve seen your face.”

  The too mature for her age, beautiful, how-is-she-fifteen-already daughter hugged her flabbergasted mother and patted her on the head as if she were a cute puppy. She grabbed an apple from the basket on the table and laughed as she bounced out the back door, long amber hair swishing back and forth with each step. She was off to say God knows what to Ana.

  At least Molly was home to eavesdrop.

  Keira as she reached for her phone to text her.

  Spoiler alert. Violet will tell Ana all about her mother’s dating a hot cop, the poor guy she was mean to, and they will laugh, and laugh, and laugh.

  Everyone was excited for their plans. Lola was jumping out of her skin anticipating her sleepover, Violet and Ana had been secretive and thick as thieves, causing both Molly and Keira to suspect them, but not overly so. They were good kids, and besides, Janice would watch them like only a woman who’d raised three wild daughters could. like a hawk. As for Keira, she was excited and nervous about bringing Kyle to meet her friends.

  “Okay, so we are just up the street if you need anything at all. If you’re playing your hide and seek thing, stay out of the Martinchek’s yard, he hates when you guys go tearing through there.”

  “Oh, my God, Mom. It’s Manhunt, not hide and seek. And fine, we will. When are you leaving?”

  “As soon as Lola gets picked up, why?”

  “Oh, just wondering. Well, I’m heading over to Ana’s house. You have fun tonight with Ky-yalllll.”

  “Stop that, young lady. And you have fun, too. Behave. Be polite and respectful of Mrs. McKenna. Her house, her rules.”

  “Of course, Mother. Bye, love you.”

  Oh, that kid, Keira laughed to herself. Wiseass. Violet had something up her sleeve, it was just a matter of what. Nonetheless, both girls were off to their respective adventures and Keira was left to get ready for hers. She busied herself with preparations— making the sangria, then the pesto for the chicken, lastly getting herself ready. She finished just as Kyle pulled up in front of the house. Keira gathered everything and stepped out to meet him as he walked up the driveway, smiling at how handsome he looked.

  As she said hello, she caught movement from behind the hydrangea bushes. She instantly knew what— or rather who it was.

  “Violet.”

  Out came Violet and Ana, trying to look contrite, but their smirks belied their intentions.

  “Oh, hi Mom. I, um, forgot my toothbrush, had to come back. But, since we’re all here, might as well introduce us to your… friend.”

  Then, before Keira had a chance to talk, Violet turned to Kyle with a Cheshire grin spread across her face and announced,

  “Hi, I’m Violet, oldest and bestest daughter. You must be Kyle.”

  ‘I— hello, yes, yes I am. It’s nice— and unexpected— to meet you, Violet.”

  Kyle extended his hand to shake hers, but Violet, in full form, declined the handshake, and instead declared,

  “Oh, we don’t do handshakes in this family, we hug.”

  With no hesitation, she walked right up to Kyle, who wore a surprised but amused expression and gave him a quick hug. All the while, Ana stood behind her stifling her giggles. So, this was their secret plan, an ambush. Keira should’ve known. Before she could speak, a rebuke ready on her tongue for her errant child, Violet then hugged her, and whispered loudly in her ear,

  “He’s super-hot, Mom.” In a theatrically loud voice, “Well, we should be on our way. Mrs. McKenna said we had fifteen minutes exactly to come here and get back. Bye guys.”

  “And what about your toothbrush,” asked Keira after finally finding her voice.

  “Oh, yeah, that. I just remembered it’s in my bag at the house. Silly me, right? Oh, it was nice meeting you, Kyle.”

  Just like that, the two girls were off at a sprint, holding hands and laughing their fool heads off at their own antics.

  “That little shit,” Keira said with a laugh that lessened the expletive.

  “So, she ambushed us, huh? Not a shy kid, is she?”

  “No, I’m afraid she is not shy, at all. Sorry about that.”

  Kyle seemed unperturbed and very amused. His only concern seemed to be how Keira was taking it all.

  “Listen, no worries on my part, really. I thought that was pretty cool and bold as hell of her. I like her already.”

  “Well, thank you. I like her too even though I want to kill her right now.”

  “So, let me guess. Violet found out about me, asked to meet me, you said no, so she took matters into her own hands?”

  “That pretty much sums it up. I should’ve known she was up to no good, but she got me. Anyhow, I need a drink after that. Let’s get over to the party. Ready for the next ambush?”

  “As I’ll ever be.”

  15 I SAID, KEEP ‘EM SEPARATED

  Chapter Fourteen in The Smart Woman’s Guide To Dating So, you’ve decided to go against advice. Well, at least try to keep your ex and your new for mixing.

  The party, or rather, Kyle at the party, had been a success. He’d conversed with ease to everyone he met, answered questions with forbearance, and was charming and friendly. The women approved, and the men acce
pted him into their testosterone club. Lilly’s husband was a state trooper, so they exchanged clichéd digs about each other’s jobs and uniforms, but they did it with humor and amiability. In short, he fit in without trying to, but by merely being himself.

  Next up— officially introducing him to the kids. Aside from Violet’s ambush, all was going as planned.

  Hmm. Now, what is it they say about the best-laid plans…

  Still, she was determined to have everything go on a carefully thought out schedule. Even if it did get bumped to an earlier timeline than initially expected, thanks to Violet. In one week, Kyle, Keira, Violet, and Lola would go out to dinner together to meet formally. Lola’s task was choosing where they would go, and without hesitation, she picked the new hibachi restaurant in the center of town.

  “Now, Lola. Please promise me. no crazy antics. Please.”

  “Oh, Mom, you worry too much. When do I ever— okay, okay. Fine.”

  “Say the words, Lola.”

  “Ugh, yes Mommy, I prah-missss,” sighed Lola, rolling her eyes as she did.

  Lola was notorious for spontaneous dance off’s (with only herself) and bad karaoke (again, all her) in the most inconvenient places. Grocery stores, malls, restaurant… anywhere you needed her to act normal. She was one hundred percent her father’s daughter, both loving what they perceived as the limelight and performing for an audience, particularly captive ones. The more you tried to quiet them, the worse it would get. Where Darren was annoying, Lola was funny. She was a wacky, silly, laughter-loving kid and Keira had no real intentions of stifling her zaniness... but instead just helping her channel it constructively. So far, she was unsuccessful, because she ended up laughing nearly every time.

  Once settled and promises extracted, Keira was as ready as she could be to inform Darren of her intentions. To say she was dreading it would be an understatement. The last time she introduced a man to the kids, it was a disaster, and no one, least of all Keira, had forgotten. Not knowing how Darren would react, she planned out her approach. She decided she would use a trick from his deck, and spring it on him as he had with the Florida trip. When he arrived to drop off the girls, she would ask him to help her with something in the backyard. When they were out of earshot, ask him about her introducing the girls to Kyle.

  No, you tell him you will introduce Kyle to the kids. He’s not the boss of you, Keira.

  “It’s still not fair that Violet already met him. Why do I have to wait?”

  “First off, your sister ambushed us. She wasn’t supposed to meet him yet either. Second, you have to wait because of everyone’s schedules are all over the place. You have basketball camp, Vi has cheer camp, Kyle and I both have work. One week, that’s the soonest we could all do.”

  “Ugh,” she huffed again, “fine. I hope he’s not a dork like R-”

  “Thank you, that’ll be enough, sweetheart. Go work on your summer reading list,” then, before

  Lola could complain, “Now, Lola.”

  Lola stomped to her room, but halfway down the hall, it turned into a ridiculous dance that only Lola could come up with. Keira dropped her head, laughing, and texted Kyle.

  Okay, Operation Meet the Kids is a go.

  You ready for this? Still time to back out.

  She laughed as she pressed send, knowing he had no intentions of backing out. Kyle was the most dependable, honest person she’d ever met. He said what he meant and meant what he said. So far, of course. Within minutes, he replied.

  All good, Travis. Looking forward to it.

  Don’t be nervous.

  Keira hadn’t needed to tell him she was nervous, he could easily read her, no doubt a skill and habit he honed on his job. Rather than unnerving her with his uncanny knack of knowing her thoughts and emotions just by her mannerisms, it relieved her. With Darren, she had to always explain everything to him, something she abhorred. So much so that she’d eventually given up and resigned herself to being perpetually misunderstood.

  Roger that.

  Again, she laughed as she hit send. She had picked up more of his police officer lingo. They’d been seeing each other nearly four months, and while she’d seen him in partial uniform when either coming or going into work, but she’d yet to see him on the job. In their world, he was just Kyle, and she could pretend that his career wasn’t real. Sooner or later the two worlds would mesh, but for now, she liked the protective barrier between the two.

  I say, it certainly appears we’re out of the woods here. Our girl just may have managed to navigate those rapids without ill effect after all. Anti-climactic, you say? Well, the story’s not done quite yet, you know. Anyhow…

  The week flew by, and suddenly it was the day of the big meet. The girls, particularly Lola, were excited and impatient, but not at all nervous or anxious. Keira experienced enough of that for all of them. She’d put off telling Darren too long, and the girls had innocently spilled the beans, so once again plans went awry.

  “Keir. Talk to you a minute? Privately.”

  Keira guessed right away what it was he wanted to talk about, and her heart sped up. She got mad at herself for feeling anxious and reminded herself once again that he’s not the boss of her.

  “Sure. Girls, bring your stuff inside, okay? And get ready.”

  Violet caught her eye and mouthed ‘sorry,’ a guilty look on her face, so Keira smiled reassuringly at her. She’d done nothing wrong, there was no secret to keep. This bolstered Keira to adopt a more relaxed and authoritative posture. Violet needed to see that Mom was not intimidated or worried.

  “So, is there something you want to tell me,” he began in a tone that implied he was the adult, she the child.

  “Well, Darren, clearly you know the something, so let’s not play this game, hmm?”

  She spoke calmer than she felt. The last time she brought someone, No Name, into the kid’s life Darren had reacted badly. Their truce had come only towards the tail end of the short-lived relationship.

  “Well, it would’ve been nice if you asked me first if it was okay to have the girls meet your… boyfriend. I only found out about it ‘cause Violet left her phone on the table, and she texted Ana about it. A cop, huh?”

  Keira let him finish, but her blood was boiling. Still, she kept her cool.

  “Darren, I do not— I will not ‘ask your permission’ to do anything. Ever. I had every intention of telling you that the girls were going to meet Kyle. I hope you didn’t grill Violet for details.”

  Now he looked sheepish and guilty. He interrogated Violet, Darren was still Darren after all. He tried to backpedal, but Keira stopped him, softening her tone with Herculean effort.

  “Darren, I realize we are still navigating this part of our life, and I respect that you have concerns about the girls meeting someone new. But it is my decision, just as it is your decision when you want to introduce the girls to someone. I expect you to respect the boundaries here. Okay?”

  “Yeah, well, that thing with Rob— sorry, sorry, I mean The Wuss was kind of a mess, no offense. I don’t want them getting—”

  “I got it, Darren. And I don’t need you to remind me. Things are different now. I’m different.”

  He appraised her as if seeing her anew. He nodded.

  “Yeah, I guess you are. All right, well, you’re the boss I guess.”

  “Thank you. And I’m not implying that I am ‘the boss’ of anything other than my life and my choices. Any mistakes I make along the way I’ll own, just as I expect you to do. There’s nothing wrong with the girls seeing us be human.”

  “All right, all right. Looks like you’ve got everything under control, I guess. Well, I’ll, uh, be hitting the road then. I’ll just go— I mean, can I go inside to say goodbye to the girls?”

  He may have been gritting his teeth when he asked, but at least he asked. Assertive Barbie was in effect and working. Keira was feeling pretty good. She’d set Darren the Dick in his place, the girls were excited to meet Kyle, it was a beautiful
sunny day… everything was looking up.

  What could go wrong, right? Well, this isn’t a suspense novel, so I’ll just fill you in on those details that our heroine missed as she danced off to her garden to pick whatever and whatnot.

  Darren walked in through the back porch, entering the kitchen through the slider. Just as he was about to call out to the girls, both upstairs in their rooms, he spied Keira’s phone on the counter. With a villain’s sneaky glee, he glanced around, looking for observers. Seeing none, he quickly snatched it, betting rightly that Keira had never placed a lock on her phone. Going straight to her text messages, he scrolled through and found what he was looking for. After several minutes, he set the phone back down and called out innocently to the kids.

  “Hey girls. Daddy’s leaving. Have fun meeting Mom’s new boyfriend.”

  Surely he was just looking for a phone number for, oh I don’t know, her dentist, or maybe— yeah, I’m not buying it either.

  16 THE SUSHI HITS THE FAN

  Chapter Fifteen in The Smart Woman’s Guide To Dating. Starting a new relationship after divorce can be a challenge, to say the least. It requires a suitor have a willingness to be flexible, an ability to be adaptable, and an abundance of patience. Particularly where children are involved.

  “All right, everyone ready? We’re meeting Kyle at the restaurant.”

  “Why, so he can make a quick getaway when Lola shows him what a freak she is?”

  “Shut up, Violet. You’re a freak.”

  “Girls. Girls. Neither of you are freaks. You are brats, not freaks. Please get this all out of your system now, before we get to Ginza, will you?”

  “Tell her,” huffed Violet.

  Keira grabbed Lola just as she swung her leg back to kick her sister.