Awkward Adventures in Dating

by Elsa Kurt

  “Don’t even think about it. In the car you two.”

  Keira was sweating already. Another fight ensued over the front seat, and ten minutes later they were on their way. After Violet changed the station twenty times, a song all three of them loved finally came on the radio, and the drama was mercifully forgotten.

  When they pulled into the restaurant parking lot, Keira could see Kyle’s car already there, and her heart stuttered in her chest.

  “Oh, hey Mom, I forgot to tell you— your phone was buzzing like crazy when you were getting ready. Who the heck was messaging you?”

  “Oh, damn. I never even looked at it. I was in such a rush, I forgot.”

  After Darren had left, she’d run into the garden, intending to just pick a few tomatoes, but then she got distracted by some weeds. Before long, she was rushing around trying to get ready for their dinner with Kyle. She’d never even looked at her phone once. She pulled it out of her purse and was about to check her messages when Kyle knocked on her window. She tried to roll it down but then realized she’d already turned the car off and the power button was useless. Keira tried to open her door but found it still locked. Kyle stepped back, crossed his arms over his chest and waited with a smirk until she figured it all out.

  Violet and Lola watched her incredulously, trying not to laugh. Violet unlocked the passenger side and climbed out as did Lola from the backseat. Keira was last. By the time she’d gathered her purse and fished for her keys that had fallen under the seat, Lola had already introduced herself and was asking him if he had his gun on him.

  “Lola.”

  “What. Geez, it’s just a question, Mom.” Then, turning back to Kyle, “So, do you?”

  “I am not carrying my firearm tonight, no. It is at home, locked securely.”

  “Oh. Oh well. Bring it next time, will ya?”

  Kyle looked up at Keira and winked, reassuring her that all was well.

  “I will consider it and discuss it with your Mom. Fair enough?”

  “Sure. Okay, let’s go eat, I’m starving.” Lola skipped ahead of them, and as an afterthought, called back over her shoulder, “You’re right, Vi, he’s hot.”

  “Oh, my God, you little sh—”

  “Violet, I’ll handle it.”

  “Whatever. I’ll get her back. So, Kyle. Have you been here before?”

  “Actually, Violet, this is my first time here. I do love sushi though.”

  “Yeah, I like it, too. Lola only eats the hibachi stuff, ‘cause she’s a child.”

  Keira smiled and let them carry on their own conversation as she quietly observed. Kyle was formal, slightly stiff and perhaps on guard. Though she’d told him that the girls were looking forward to meeting him, he knew that he had to let them take the lead. He’d relayed his own mixed feelings meeting his mother’s boyfriend back when he was Lola’s age, and that he understood it required a balance of friendliness and accessibility with reserve and boundaries.

  The hostess led them past the bar to their table when Keira caught a familiar face at the bar. She did a double take, and her heart flew into her throat.

  You’ve got to be kidding me. Yacht Boy is here, of all places?

  He saw her just as she saw him, and he waved. It was like he almost was expecting her, no look of surprise crossed his face.

  “Uh, you go ahead, I’ll be right there, guys.”

  The hostess led Kyle and the girls to a booth in the back, farthest away from the bar and partitioned by silk screens. They talked in animated, blissful ignorance of Keira’s confusion and alarm.

  “Jason? What— I don’t…”

  “Keira, I was so glad to get your text. I’m so glad you wanted to meet.”

  “I— my text?”

  Keira frowned in confusion. She hadn’t texted Jason since he’d messaged with Violet. From behind her, she heard,

  “Keira?”

  She turned away from Jason, who was still smiling, to face none other than Troy.

  “Your message said you wanted to meet. It surprised me to hear from you.”

  “I think you’re mistaken buddy, she’s here to meet me,” said Jason with an edge to his tone.

  Keira looked helplessly from one to the other, aware that on the other side of the restaurant sat her daughters and her new boyfriend— who would not find any amusement in this at all. As if things couldn’t get any worse, a third voice chimed in.

  “Actually, she’s here to meet me. I’ve got the text to prove it. Keira, I knew you’d come around, eventually.”

  Fucking No Name.

  With his squinty eyes pointed right at her and his phone in that bear paw he called a hand. All three men had their phones out, insisting the other two were wrong. Keira, for lack of any better idea, turned and walked-ran away from them, towards the table where Kyle and the kids sat oblivious.

  “Hey, there you are. Where’d you— hey, you okay? You look like you’ve seen a ghost.”

  “Yeah, Mom, why are you all sweaty?”

  “What? No. Nothing. Nothing’s wrong at all. Where is that waitress, hmm?”

  “Chill, Mom. Kyle ordered you a glass of wine, and we’re telling him all about—”

  “I’m sorry, can you excuse me for one more moment? Ladies room, sorry.”

  Keira jumped up from the table, startling all three. She needed to figure out what the hell was happening. With furtive anxious glances all around, she dashed into the ladies’ room. Keira hid in a stall and pulled out her phone. Disbelief and shock drained the color from her face. On her message screen were three message icons, all of which began with.

  Meet me at Ginza tonight, 7 p.m.

  I’d like to talk.

  She looked at the time stamp of each, 4.01 p.m., 4.02 p.m., and 4.03 p.m. Right about when Darren the Dick had dropped the girls off. Right after their conversation about the girls meeting Kyle over dinner at Ginza, and Darren going inside the house alone to say goodbye to the girls. Son of a—

  “Mom? You in here?”

  It was Violet, come searching for her. At least it wasn’t Jason. Or Troy. Or—

  “Um, so don’t freak out, but I just saw Rob out in the hallway.”

  “Ugh, don’t say the name. Did he see you? What did he say? Shit.”

  “Well, no. But he looks like he’s waiting out there for someone. Does he know you’re here? Should I call Daddy?”

  “No. Absolutely not. He’s to thank for this.”

  “Uh-oh. What’d he do?”

  “Never you mind that. I’ll handle it. Could you keep Kyle distracted for a few more minutes? Tell him I lost my contact lens in here and I’m searching for it.”

  “Sure, Mom. No problem.”

  “Thanks, honey. And sorry.”

  Violet shrugged. “Well, we like Kyle, if that helps at all.”

  Vi slipped out, avoiding No Name—who was pacing at the end of the hallway— and ran to their table. Keira paced back and forth in the small, two-stall bathroom. She scarcely had time to register that Violet had said they like Kyle because she was too busy trying to figure out how to get rid of her… was there a male equivalent to a harem? Like a reverse harem? Or a man harem?

  Focus, Keira, you idiot.

  When she accepted that she could hide no longer, she gathered her courage and walked out to face him once and for all.

  “Keira. There you are. You had me worried. Are you all right? I’m so glad you wanted to talk at last. I’ve known all along that we were meant to be—”

  No Name grasped her hand in his, his face looking ridiculous and pathetic in it earnestness.

  “Rob, stop. I—”

  “Excuse me? Keira, what the hell is going on here? Who is this guy?”

  Keira’s head dropped, it was Kyle. He’d come up behind her and heard everything No Name said. But before she opened her mouth, another voice chimed in from behind him.

  “Yeah, I’d like to know what’s going on here, too. When you texted me to meet you here, I thought it’d
be just us, Keira.”

  Fricking Yacht Boy. Cue Creepy Troy.

  “Well, at the risk of being redundant, I’d also like to know what’s going on.”

  Atta boy.

  Keira stood at the midway of four men— all in varying stages of agitation and confusion— in the bathroom hallway of a Japanese restaurant. She was the proverbial deer in the headlights, frozen in place with nowhere to run. Well, technically she could’ve run back into the ladies’ room. But her days of running had come abruptly to an end with this most unfortunate, impossible-to-believe-if-she-weren’t-living-it climax. Trying hard to find a bright side, she thought at least there was no one else that he’d texted.

  Oh, come now, we didn’t keep you waiting all this time to not add more to the Shit Show Barbie hour. How will she react to this, I wonder…?

  “Whoa, hey is this the line to the men’s room? Hey. Keira? Keira Bennet? Is that you? Excuse me, guys. Pardon me.”

  “Marco?”

  “Wow, it’s been years. How are you? What’s new? I’m here with my brother, you should—”

  Marco paused and looked around, suddenly realizing that he did not just walk through a group of men waiting for the men’s room, but something else altogether.

  “Do you, uh, need—”

  “It’s so nice to see you Marco, but I’m uh, in the middle of something, and I—”

  “Keira.” It was Kyle, in a low, stony tone. “I am going back to our table. Handle this… situation, please.”

  He walked away without a second glance and tears stung her eyes. This would no doubt be the end of their lovely beginning. And though this fiasco was the doing of her ex-husband, she had no one to blame but herself. She sighed, collected herself, and addressed each one.

  “Marco. Great to see you. If I recover from this mess I’ve created, I’d love to say hello to your brother... later. But for now, please go away.”

  Still confused and curious, Marco did as she bid him to do, and squeezed past the group of men, forgoing his need for the men’s room. Once he was out of sight, Keira addressed them in order of least concern, to most.

  “Troy, I am sorry. You’re a nice man, but the text was a mistake, a prank, really. On me, that is. Not you. Although, you’ve—”

  “I see. Well, this is most awkward, Keira. I think it best you erase my number from your contacts. Besides, I’ve met someone. So, yes. Well, goodbye.”

  “Jason—”

  “No need to say more. I get it. I really liked you Keira. I thought— well, I guess it doesn’t matter what I thought now. Good luck with… everything. Honestly? It’s your loss, I’m a good guy.”

  Ouch. Before Keira could say another word, he walked off. That left No Name. Despite everything he heard— and giving no regard to the fact she was here with another man and her daughters— still had the hopeful, blissfully blind, expression of expectation on his face. For as much as Keira wanted to slap sense into him, she bit back the harsh words on her tongue and launched into the most forthright, sincere, and definitive goodbye she could articulate.

  “Rob. I’m sorry, really. For the way I’ve handled this— us, for everything. But we are over, broken up, finished, no longer together. Not a couple. I’ve moved on, and you should, too.”

  “Oh, Keira. You say that now, but—”

  “I think the woman gave you her final word on the matter. Keira, the girls are wondering if you’ve found your contact lens yet. Let’s get back to dinner.”

  It was once again Kyle, not so much coming to the rescue as getting thoroughly fed up. He turned and walked away, this time with Keira in tow. No one said a word until they sat down.

  “Geez, Mom. Took you long enough. We already ate most of the edamame, but don’t worry, I saved you a few,” announced Lola magnanimously.

  Kyle slid her wine glass over to her and said nothing. Not to her, at least. Instead, he resumed the conversation they’d been having while she lived out a soap opera. Violet caught Keira’s eye once, and though she didn’t perceive the extent of the drama that had occurred, she, of course, knew something had happened. Keira could only give a half-hearted smile and shrug, to which her daughter nodded.

  “So, tell me more about dance camp, Lola.”

  Lola obliged. After several sips of wine, Keira could join in what she believed a farce on Kyle’s part. Surely he was just hanging in for the kid’s sake, not wanting to cause them any disappointment. After tonight ended, she suspected that she’d never be seeing Kyle Darcy ever again, and her heart sank.

  Somehow, they’d managed to get through both dinner and dessert, and at last the disastrous night was concluding. Kyle generously paid for their meal, and together they walked out into the warm night air into the parking lot. Keira surreptitiously glanced around the lot, fearing another ambush by ghosts of boyfriends past. Kyle, too, scanned the lot with a wary eye. Before she could wonder if it was just his cop habit, he spoke to her in a quiet voice.

  “Do I need to follow you home?”

  “What? Oh, no, no I’ll be fine.” Upon seeing his eyebrow go up, she added, “Really, it’s fine. Kyle, I’m so sorry about—”

  “Hey Kyle, watch this.”

  “Lola, please don’t—” Keira called out, but it was too late. Lola had broken out into her Girl of a Thousand Dances routine in the headlights of a parked car.

  The young couple in the car turned up their music and laughed, emboldening her to ramp up her antics even more. She ignored Keira and Violet’s pleas for her to stop. Kyle stood back, watching it all and saying nothing.

  Accepting the night as the end of a budding relationship, Keira gave up and gave in. She did what she could at that point. She laughed. ‘Fuck it. This is my life., It is what it is,’ told her defeated sigh. Violet had gone to pull Lola away, but Lola grabbed her hands and tried to get her to dance. Vi, looking at Keira helplessly, and seeing she had begun to weakly laugh, gave in to crazy Lola.

  While the girls and the young couple all laughed and danced, Keira finally turned to look at Kyle. He seemed neither angry nor pleased. His expression was unreadable. She didn’t know what he was thinking, but she needed to force herself to care less. She took a deep breath and gave him a small smile.

  “Well, this turned out to be some kind of night, huh?”

  “Yes, you could say that.”

  “Yeah. Listen, I’m sorry about the craziness. If I were to explain what happened… well, I’d have a hard time believing it myself. And my girls— well, no apologies for them. To know them is to love them, and I love their antics. Mostly. Let me at least give you money for dinner before you go.”

  “Keira, I—”

  “All right you two, don’t start making out, that’s gross.”

  Lola had run up behind them with Violet in tow. The car with the young couple left with honks and waves goodbye.

  “Girls, say thank you and goodnight to Kyle, please.”

  In unison, they said, “Thank you and goodnight, Kyle.”

  Lola added, “The next time we go out, we’ll let you pick, Kyle.”

  “Thanks, Lola. You’re all very welcome and it was very nice meeting you.”

  He walked them to Keira’s car and opened their doors for them. Once they were both settled into the vehicle and bickering, as usual, it was time for their awkward goodbye. Keira felt sadder than she would’ve imagined she could in such a short time of knowing someone. She wanted to breathe in his scent one last time, touch his face, hold him close, but knowing the girls were watching, she only gave him a chaste peck on the cheek as she squeezed his arm. She quickly opened her door and climbed in. Gracelessly.

  In her side-view mirror, she watched Kyle step back from the car as she pulled out, raising his hand in a small wave. No smile.

  Well, we knew something was coming, didn’t we? It could have been worse. Although, it indeed was quite bad enough, wasn’t it? Oh, I was really beginning to like this chap. Looks like the end of their beginning, doesn’t it? I mean,
the whole, no smile thing? The silent treatment? That can’t be a good sign at all. She—

  “Oh, shut up.”

  Well, excuse me for narrating. Geesh.

  17 WHAT TO DO WHEN YOU’VE MADE A MESS

  Chapter Eighteen The Smart Woman’s Guide To Dating. Well, we’ve come to the last section of the book, but not of your story. If you have followed the lessons I’ve outlined for you, then you are on your way to a successful relationship. If not, my next book. What To Do When You’ve Made A Mess of Your Life is available from all major online booksellers.

  “Oh, Keira.” Molly handed her a generously filled glass of red wine.

  “Don’t say it, I know.”

  “Not, saying a word, I promise. Just… drink up.”

  “Now, Keira,” started Kate, “this doesn’t mean it’s the end. He’s a smart guy, he’s got to realize you had nothing to do with any of that.”

  “Yeah,” added Lilly, “they ambushed you.”

  Her friends all rallied around her when she sent out the dismal group text the next morning. Like a team of FBI agents, they swarmed the house at noon, shooing children off to play, dispensing wine and laying out comfort food on Keira’s front porch.

  “Did you read any of his messages yet,” asked Molly.

  “No. I can guess what they’ll say. ‘Lose my number.’ You’re a mess.’ ‘It’s over.’ I turned my phone off right after I messaged you guys.”

  “Keira, don’t you think you should at least see what he has to say?” Lilly suggested.

  “Nope.”

  The three friends looked at one another. Lilly shrugged. Kate motioned to Molly to grab Keira’s phone while she distracted her. Molly understood. That was the beauty of long-term friendships— wordless understanding.

  “Hey, hon,” Kate called Keira’s attention away, “are these, um, violets over here?”

  “Violets? No, Kate, they’re roses. How do you not know what roses are?”

  It was just enough distraction for Molly to grab the phone from the wicker table and hurry into the house.