Love's Suicide

by Jennifer Foor

  I walked into the bathroom and changed, then came back out to sit on the bed across from him. “So, are you sure you know how to stitch?”

  “Yeah, I learned it in basic. I need you to get under the light and let me look at it. I may need to clip a piece of hair to be able to get a clean stitch.” He reached in his bag and pulled out a bottle of whisky. “You’re probably going to want to drink this.”

  “Seriously? I’ll get drunk.”

  He laughed. “I’ll keep you from stripping and handing out your number to strangers. Just take a few swigs and lay on your stomach.”

  The alcohol burned going down, but I did as he said. He was gentle, not that it helped. It hurt bad and there were several times that I wanted to scream out like a baby.

  When it was all said and done, he cleaned the area again and kissed me on the forehead. “All fixed.”

  I turned around and smiled. “Thanks.”

  Assuming he would get up and move to the other bed, I sat there looking at him. When he kept staring, I felt my body getting flushed. “Bobby knew you were still in love with me, didn’t he?”

  That loud thumping was happening again in my chest. My ears began ringing and I swear there were stars circling around my eyes. I was alone with Brooks in a hotel room. The last time we’d been in this same position, we made our daughter. I swallowed the lump in my throat and stared into his eyes when I answered. “Yeah, he did.”

  Chapter 35

  Brooks didn’t move. He just sat there staring, as if he assumed I would lie about it. “Kat, you really told him you loved me?”

  I shrugged. “It was never a secret. He knew it when he met me. He was the person that held me when I cried about you. He was there for me when I had B, knowing that I didn’t love him. He asked me to marry him and said that he knew I wasn’t over you. After some time I came to love Bobby, but he’ll never be you. I thought I learned that after the Branch fiasco, but obviously I can’t learn from my mistakes, because here I am married to another man that I’m trying to convince myself to fall in love with.”

  I looked down at the bedding, afraid of what was coming next. In some ways I wanted to close my eyes and fall into Brooks’ arms. On the other hand, I knew I’d be committing adultery. I didn’t want to be that kind of person and it hurt me so much knowing that everything I ever wanted was sitting a mere inches away and I couldn’t have it.

  “I’m not the saint you picture me to be, Kat. I’ve seen and done things that I’m not proud of. Living in another country was hard. Sometimes I needed the comfort of a woman. It never meant much to me, but sometimes it helped with my sleep problems. You keep punishing yourself for the things you’ve done, but I don’t see those things are all that bad. You ran from the family because you thought you tore us all apart. Don’t you see that it wasn’t you? It was me. I did it. I was the one that took you to my bed that night. It was selfish, and could have been done the right way, years before. I wanted to hurt Branch. I wanted to shove your love for me right in his face, because after all that time, I was tired of him having what should have been mine all along. I knew that being with you would ruin your engagement and I went for it out of spite.”

  I could feel my bottom lip shaking. He was right. For so long I’d blamed myself for not being honest. I’d always loved Brooks and feeling like he didn’t want me made me settle for Branch. I did love him, albeit it didn’t compare to my deep connection for Brooks. “I supposed this all could have been avoided if we knew how to communicate with each other.”

  Brooks let out an air-filled laugh. “Yeah. Probably.”

  He reached for my hand and I let him take it. When he brought it up to his own lips, he held it there like he was smelling my skin. “Brooks, what do you want to happen now? I mean, once I figure out how to get a separation and file for divorce, which I am sure I’m doing, what do you want to happen? Can we be best friends again, after all this time?” I started thinking about him being with other women. It was as if I were being stabbed in my heart.

  Brooks scooted his body close to mine and reached his arm around me. He looked directly at me. “Kat, I can’t be your friend. I’m sorry, but I can’t be that person anymore.”

  I had to look away, because the tears were already starting to drip out from my eyes. He grabbed my chin and made me look at him again. “What are you crying for?”

  “I don’t know. I guess I keep feeling like even after everything we’ve been through, we could run off and live happily ever after. It’s stupid, I know. I thought that after the past few days we’d never want to let each other go again.”

  The smirk on Brooks’ face made me feel like he was going to make fun of me. “I don’t want to be your friend, because I need more than that. Open your eyes woman. I want to be your everything. I always have.”

  I wrapped my arms around him and cried against his chest. “Why didn’t you just say that? I thought you didn’t want anything to do with me.”

  “Jesus. I’m alone in a hotel with you and our daughter. Can you name one other place in the world I’d rather be?” he kissed my head and kept his face there. “I’ll wait as long as it takes to get things sorted out with Bobby. As of right now, whose name is on the birth certificate as B’s father?”

  “You.”

  He seemed shocked. “That’s good to know.”

  “I told you that I never kept it a secret from anyone here. “

  B sat up in the bed and look around. Her hair was sticking up in the back and I could tell she was confused about her surroundings. She looked from me to Brooks and put her bottom lip out. “Mama.”

  I held out my arms, but didn’t adjust how close I was to Brooks. Bobby was going to fight to be a part of her life. I got that. It was time for B to know who her real father was. She climbed up on my lap and looked at him. He leaned in and kissed her on the head. She smiled, but kept leaning on me. “B do you know who this is?”

  She nodded.

  “Do you know his name?”

  “Books.”

  We both laughed. “Sweetie, Brooks is your daddy.”

  B was confused. Her face curled up like she was about to cry. “No. He not.”

  Brooks wasn’t giving up. He held his arms out for her. “Come here, kiddo. Let me show you something.”

  I followed them into the bathroom and saw him stand her on the vanity. Brooks pointed to his face in the mirror and then to hers. He looked at her and pointed to his eyes and then her eyes. She stood there, looking at their twin reflections in the mirror. He pulled me next to them. “Mommy, Daddy, and B.”

  She laughed at us, pointed to herself, and said “B”, then to me. “Mama.” She looked back at Brooks and seemed confused. Then she got close up to the mirror and poked at her eyes. B scrunched her face and pointed towards Brooks’ eyes like he’d showed her. “Mine.”

  She knew something was similar, but didn’t understand how it all tied together. Brooks reached his arms out and she climbed back into them. “You’re mine, little bug. I’m your daddy.”

  “Daddy?” She still seemed confused. He smiled and looked at me. “It’s going to take her a while to get used to it.”

  I was hopeful and knew he was right. If there was some instant way to get her to understand we would have already done it. “She needs to know the truth, though.”

  B rested her head against Brooks’ chest. “How about we take it day by day and let B figure it out herself? I’m not going anywhere, Kat. We’re going to raise her together, whether you want to stay friends or get married. It’s up to you.”

  I wrapped my arms around him and B. “I don’t deserve this.”

  “You’re getting it anyway, so shut up be happy. You’re going to have a lot of bad days coming your way. No matter what, I’ll be there.”

  Since it was nearing dinnertime, Brooks insisted that we order room service and lay around watching movies. I’d brought B enough of her little toys to keep her occupied. Brooks had brought along his iPad and was s
treaming one of her favorite cartoons. He liked hanging out with her and I appreciated it. She wasn’t going to understand what was happening with Bobby and I knew she’d miss him. With him being arrested, I didn’t know if a judge would even consider letting him see her. When I thought about Bobby’s love for her, it hurt me. He may not have respected me, but he would have done anything for her. Just because I didn’t want anything to do with him, didn’t mean I wouldn’t let him visit B. He’d been her only father.

  The sun started to go down and it was about that time when my cell phone started ringing. I knew immediately that it would be about Bobby. Brooks looked right at me. “Just answer it, Kat. He can’t hurt you.”

  I accepted the call. “Hello?”

  “Really, Katy? This is how you’re going to fuckin’ be? I’m tellin’ you right now, you better be home when I get there.”

  I took a deep breath. “It’s my house and you’re not welcome there anymore. I want you out, Bobby. I’ve taken pictures of what you did to me this time, and I even had to get a stitch in my head. I’m done with you hurting me for things I didn’t do.”

  “Don’t even go there. You’re with him right now, aren’t ya?”

  “That’s none of your business. I want a divorce, and I’m not changing my mind. I never should have given you a second chance. I should have known you wouldn’t change.”

  “Bitch, I ain’t givin’ you a divorce, and I sure as hell ain’t lettin’ you take that little girl from me.”

  “You don’t have a choice, Bobby. She’s not yours. If I want to keep her from you I can, and you know it’s true. She’s got her daddy’s name on that birth certificate. Now, if I were you, I’d think long and hard about what you say to me from here on out. I’d like to eventually be able to come to a visitation agreement with you, provided that you go back to anger management and get help. If you try to harm me, in any way, my offer is off the table. I’ll make sure you never see her again.”

  “This ain’t over!” The line went dead.

  I felt like I was dizzy, and Brooks grabbed both of my hands to calm me down. “Come here.” He pulled me into a hug. “You’re safe, Kat. I’ve got you.”

  I reached my arms behind his back and clung to him for support. “Please don’t ever let go.”

  I could tell from Bobby’s voice that he wasn’t going to be happy with walking away. Not only did I fear for my safety, but I also worried that he was going to do whatever it took to come between me and my relationship with Brooks.

  My phone didn’t ring again, and after a couple of hours passed, I was still in Brooks’ arms, holding onto the only man that could protect me. B had come over and climbed beside us, so Brooks could read her a story. He changed his voice for different characters and she got a kick out of it. “Again.”

  He’d start again, reading the story, as if it were the very first time, all the while holding me with his bad arm, because I’d begged him to not let go.

  Brooks got up to stretch, and B began jumping on the bed. “Don’t do that. You’re going to hurt yourself, bug. How about we go for a ride and let Mama get some rest?”

  She shook her head. “Bye byes.”

  I was thinking that they’d be going in a car, but he sat her down in a wheeled chair at the desk and started running her from one end of the room to the other. She laughed and begged for him to continue. He walked over and kissed my forehead. “Take a nap. I’m going to tire her out and hit the snack machine. I’ll bring you up a soda.”

  I smiled, knowing that B was in the best of hands. As soon as they left, I picked up my phone and called Sarah.

  “Katy, tell me that you’re not shacked up with Brooks when Bobby is sitting in a jail cell that you put him in.”

  “He beat me again, Sarah. This time I needed stitches. He accused me of things that I wasn’t even doing. He threatened Brooks life and then mine. I know you and Dave love Bobby, but I can’t live like that anymore. Since I know he called you two to get him out, I just wanted you to know the real story. I’m not shacked up either. I’m in a safe place with my little girl, and until I speak to a lawyer I won’t be back at my house. If you could ride by there in the morning, I would appreciate it.”

  “Katy, marriage is full of ups and downs. You can get through this. Bobby’s jealous of the love you share with Brooks. It ain’t fair for you to keep running around with him.”

  “He’s the father of my child, the only man that I’ve ever loved with my whole heart. I didn’t leave Bobby because of Brooks. I left Bobby because I can’t be physically and verbally abused anymore. I won’t let my daughter grow up in that kind of environment. Whether Brooks is around or not, has nothing to do with my decision.”

  “If you leave Bobby I don’t know if we can continue bein’ friends. People in this town talk, Katy. They know you’re havin’ an affair.”

  “I’M NOT!” I screamed. “What is wrong with you people? I’ve never even kissed Brooks. This is ridiculous.”

  “I’ll check on your house and call you tomorrow. Maybe by then you’ll have come to your senses.”

  She hung up, leaving me sitting there with my mouth open. Bobby could be the sweetest man, but they didn’t know him like I did. If they wanted to believe him then they weren’t really my friends to begin with.

  I turned off my phone and decided that the best thing for me was to get some rest. The only problem was, I couldn’t calm down. So I lay there, staring at the ceiling, thinking of what I was going to do next. I was positive about one thing. No matter what I had to do, or who I had to fight, I wasn’t losing Brooks this time around.

  Chapter 36

  I heard them coming back into the room and opened my eyes to see B holding all sorts of snacks in her little hands. She was giggling and Brooks couldn’t stop laughing himself. “Hey Mama. We’re back.”

  I sat up in the bed and smiled. “I see that. Did you get everything they had?”

  “We didn’t know which one you’d want.” B climbed up on the bed and watched as Brooks scattered the bags of chips and packages of candy.

  I covered my mouth and began laughing. “We’ll never be able to eat all of this, and she’ll never go to sleep.”

  He grabbed her and started tickling her until she screamed. When he stopped she reached for his hands and put them up to her belly. “Again.”

  He tickled her again as I opened up a peanut butter cup and popped it into my mouth. I hadn’t had one in so long and it was like a burst of heaven awakening my taste buds. “This is so good.”

  “Two matching cups, but you only get one.” He opened up his mouth and as I fed him a bite, I was taken back by a memory of when we were seniors in high school.

  Of course, I was with Branch at the time and my relationship with Brooks was slowly fading into nothing. He was beginning to see lots of girls and staying away from us as much as possible. On this particular day, being Halloween, I decided to dress up to go to school. I knew I’d get in trouble if I showed off too much skin, so after finding a short black skirt and black top, I attached a tail and a pair of mouse ears and then added a few whiskers on my face. When we got into the car to head to school, Branch told me that I looked embarrassing and that he didn’t want to walk around with me to my classes. Brooks remained quiet in the backseat, never saying a word until we’d reached school. As Branch found his sport friends and walked away, I stood around waiting for Brooks. “I think you look cute, Kat.”

  “Thanks.”

  “You know how Branch is.” We began walking and I didn’t reply to his comment.

  Brooks proceeded to walk me to my locker and wait as I exchanged my books. “You know, we could go out and trick or treat tonight if you want.”

  “We’re too old.”

  “Never! We could put on masks and nobody would even know.”

  I’d always loved Halloween and the fun that it brought being able to get dressed up and act silly for one night out of the year. “Branch would just get mad.”

&
nbsp; “Who gives a shit about what Branch thinks? Kat, you used to be fun. What happened to you?”

  At the time, I took it offensively and left him standing there in the hallway. I don’t remember much of the rest of the day, but later on, when I went to my locker, I found a note and a package of peanut butter cups inside. One had been eaten. The letter said.

  Two peanut butter cups, but you’re only allowed one.

  I never understood what it meant until I’d taken a bite just then. When my face looked serious, Brooks stopped chewing. “What’s wrong?”

  “Do you remember when we were in school and you left the peanut butter cups for me?”

  “One cup,” he corrected.

  “Was that note some cryptic way of you telling me to choose you?”

  He started chewing again and lifting B over his head. “Maybe.”

  I pushed him lightly. “Why couldn’t you just say it to me, instead of leaving me messages that made no sense?”

  Brooks laughed. “Because I wanted you to choose on your own, not because I persuaded it. Little hints along the way couldn’t hurt. Not that it ever helped anyway. You were too damn stubborn to think that what you were doing was wrong, or who I should say.”

  “Brooks! Cut it out.”

  We both began to laugh as I got up and walked into the bathroom. I’d been wearing Brooks’ shirt, but still had on a pair of shorts and a bra. I considered taking them off so I could sleep comfortably, but I didn’t want Brooks to get the wrong idea. I looked into the mirror anyway, making sure I looked halfway decent. “Jesus woman, you’re lucky he doesn’t go running the other direction.” I knew there was little I could do to change how I looked, so I decided to not let it bother me.

  When I opened the door to go out, he was standing on the other side. His one arm was up, leaning against the frame. “I think you’re beautiful.”

  I was flabbergasted. “I think all that sugar is going to your head.”

  He moved his arm and let me walk by him without saying anything else. B was already up on the bed, watching something on television. She was sucking on her two fingers, which usually meant she was tired. I grabbed her cup and filled it with milk from the mini refrigerator. She didn’t sit up as I handed it to her. After taking two sips, she set it beside her and put her fingers back in her mouth. I covered her up and kissed her lightly on the cheek. “Love you, B.”