Love's Suicide

by Jennifer Foor

  She smiled and closed her eyes as I started rubbing her soft face. Brooks walked behind me and climbed on the other bed. I didn’t turn to look at him, because I wanted B to go to bed without being distracted by anything else.

  It took her a few minutes, but thankfully she fell right to sleep.

  When I turned to look at Brooks, he was under the covers and I could tell his shirt was off. The blankets were up to his shoulders, but enough skin was exposed to show that he’d removed it.

  I looked down at the large shirt I had on and then back to him. Since he’d seen me naked before, I couldn’t understand why I felt so nervous. He must have sensed the weird vibe too. “What’s wrong?” he whispered.

  I shrugged. “Shut up.”

  “Kat, get comfortable and get in bed. I’m not going to make fun of you, if that’s what you think.”

  I scrunched up my face. “It’s not that.”

  I let my shorts drop to the floor and then unfastened and removed my bra without taking off the shirt. Brooks watched me the whole time, laughing at how I was doing it. “Since when did you get shy?”

  “Would you stop?”

  I climbed under the covers next to my daughter and turned to face Brooks in the other bed. He did the same thing, facing me and cuddling with his pillow. When he started laughing again, I tossed a pillow at him.

  “Sorry, I saw this going a little differently.”

  “I’m not sleeping with you, Brooks. I just left my husband.”

  “I never asked you, did I?”

  I felt like he was rejecting me and even if I was determined not to be with him, I still needed to feel wanted. I started to roll over to ignore him. “Whatever.”

  “Look at me, woman.”

  I turned once more, giving him an irritated look when I did. “What?”

  He sat up and swung his feet forward off the bed. The first thing I noticed shocked the hell out of me. On his body, right where his rib cage started on the left side, was a tattoo. It wasn’t just an armed forces tattoo, an American flag or something tribal. It was a very large letter K.

  He caught me staring and smiled as he looked down at it and grazed it with his hand. “Oh, this. I should probably explain. I guess I got it so long ago that I forgot you’ve never seen it.”

  “When?” I sat up and faced him, completely in shock that he’d put that on his body. My heart was pounding wildly and I felt like I was shaking, even though I knew I was sitting still. “Is that… Did you…”

  I stuttered through my words, shocked in disbelief.

  “Kat, my heart belongs to you. It’s not a secret. I got this done when I first went to Afghanistan. We’d just shared that night in the hotel room, and even though you’d left me I still loved you the same. I guess some people would call me stupid, but I just knew you were the one. I was going to put it over my heart. Instead, I put it here,” he pointed to his side where the large K sat, “Because the moment you walked out of my life I felt like I couldn’t breathe.”

  I put my hand over my mouth so he couldn’t see it wide open in shock. “I don’t know what to say.”

  He looked down at it again and touched his skin. Then he looked over at B. “Now, looking at what we made that night melts my heart even more.”

  I looked down at the carpet, unable to hide my emotions from him. With B asleep we were all alone, back in a hotel room, like the night we’d been together the last time. “Brooks-” His name lingered on my lips.

  “Come here.”

  I shook my head, knowing that being with him would be considered adultery. It was like a force field was sitting between Brooks and me and I wasn’t allowed to pass through it. “I can’t.”

  He reached over and placed his hand on my leg. “Close your eyes.”

  I did what he said and felt him taking my hand. He pulled me slowly from one bed toward the other. When I opened my eyes I was standing right in front of him. His breath was on mine and feeling it gave me chills. “I can’t do this, Brooks. It’s wrong.”

  He took a hold of the t-shirt and pulled me closer. Our lips were touching and I was falling hard for the man that I’d dreamed of being with him for as long as I could remember. “I’m not stealing from him, when you were never his to begin with. You didn’t belong to Branch and you sure as hell don’t belong to Bobby. A piece of paper isn’t love. Close your eyes and tell me you don’t feel it again? Tell me that you haven’t thought of that night we spent together every single day since it happened? If you don’t want this, then back up and go to sleep.”

  His lips brushed over mine as he spoke and I was losing control over myself and my emotions. He wasn’t playing fair and resisting him, after losing him and then thinking he was dead, was making my decision impossible to fight. “I’m scared.”

  Brooks stood up and looked down at me. His army shirt was being lifted up and my arms wouldn’t let me fight him. They raised as if he was controlling my body. I felt it pull over my head and the cold air hitting my nipples. I was standing there in only a pair of underwear as he was backing us up onto the bed. Brooks didn’t look down at my body, nor did he try to kiss me. We got under the covers and he pulled me against his warm chest. My desire for him was making it hard to focus on what was really happening.

  Brooks wasn’t trying to sleep with me. He didn’t want to push me into something I wasn’t ready for. All he desired was to be close to me. He wanted to hold me and never let me go.

  Just like he’d done our whole lives, Brooks was protecting me. His love had gotten me through the most horrible of times and it was with that love that I was able to never give up hope that we’d be together again someday. I closed my eyes and rested my head on his bare chest. He stroked my hair and kissed the top of my head. “Don’t be scared, Kat. If you fall, I’ll catch you. I always have and I always will. Except, this time I’m never going to let you go.”

  Chapter 37

  While I lay there in his arms, I played with his dog tags, memorizing the numbers and the way the indentation of the stamping felt against my fingertips. Whether it was wrong or right, I knew I was where I was supposed to be.

  Brooks kept running his hands over my back as we lay there quietly. I wanted to go to sleep, but couldn’t imagine it happening while being so close to him after all of the time that had passed. The obvious heat growing between my legs was a perfect indication of how starved I was for his affections. Even my body wanted to make up for all of the time that we’d been apart. In our room, hidden away from the rest of the world, nothing else existed. The three of us were all that mattered to me.

  When I looked up into Brooks’ eyes, I knew he was having the same intense feelings. He licked his lips and looked down at mine. It was so sinful yet seemingly appropriate, all at the same time. This was Brooks, not some strange man that I was running around with. He was the father of my child and the owner of my heart. “I love you.” It came out as a whisper, but only because I didn’t want to wake up B.

  Brooks sat up a little, causing me to fall off of him. He cupped my face into his hands and looked deeply into my eyes. “You were worth the wait.” Our lips connected and immediately there was a fire that ignited throughout my body. The power of one kiss not only overwhelmed me, but it made me feel as if we were levitating up above the bed.

  His hand began to caress my skin, in places that were beyond the friend zone. I didn’t care. My rationalizing of what was right and wrong had been put to the side, because I was kissing this beautiful half-naked man, with enough years of pent up emotions that nothing was going to interfere. We’d had time and an ocean against us. Family and friends had alienated our bond, albeit being in this very moment made all of their attempts seem insignificant.

  Brooks grabbed my backside and lifted me to be straddling him. I sat up, no longer ashamed for him to see my naked breasts. Not that he even paid them any attention. His eyes were fixed on mine as our lips continued making contact, hosting our blending tongues. Each kiss was deeper and
hotter.

  I knew I wanted this man, and every inch of his smoking hot physique. Knowing that his heart was all mine aided my desire.

  We stopping kissing, to catch our breaths and decide how far we were willing to take things. I’d told him earlier that it couldn’t happen, but knew there was no way I could stop myself. “Uh-oh.”

  I turned to follow Brooks gaze and saw B standing on the edge of the bed with her fingers in her mouth. She didn’t say anything and I wasn’t sure if she could even know what I was doing was wrong. Nonetheless, I pulled the sheet to cover my chest and held my arms out for her. She climbed into the bed and Brooks moved over for her to get between us. B looked from me to Brooks, and then she did something that shocked the both of us. Instead of finding comfort against my bosom, like any child in an unfamiliar place would naturally do, she turned and buried her little body into Brooks’ chest. He kissed the top of her head and held his face there. I knew why, and when he lifted up, I could see that I was right.

  Brooks was crying. He knew he didn’t need to hide his feelings from me. I could feel the burning sensation in my own eyes, sharing in the beauty of his daughter turning to him for comfort. She may not have even known what she was doing, but it still meant everything to him.

  As he held her there, I lay watching them together. I’d never sat back and considered what it was like for Brooks, having been so excited to come home to me and finding that I had a life without him. The thought made me feel atrocious about what I’d done. Where I thought I was settling for the best I could do, he was still planning a life with me.

  The misery that he must have endured seeing that I was married with a child was awful to imagine. It explained why he was so cold that day at the base. He couldn’t let his true emotions show because I’d devastated him yet again. I knew I didn’t deserve him, but I also knew that he’d never desert me.

  I slid closer to B and wrapped an arm around the both of them. Brooks, while having B in his opposite arm, intertwined our fingers with his opposite hand. He laid them over B’s belly on top of the covers and we kept looking directly into each other’s glossed over eyes. B was already falling back asleep. We could have climbed onto the other bed and finished what was happening between us, except it was no longer necessary. Both of us had everything we wanted in the bed we were already occupying. I’d never felt so whole in my life. “This feels so right,” he whispered through his own tears. “I never thought I’d have this.”

  I squeezed his hand. “Me either.”

  Knowing that we were both content only made it easier for me to fall asleep. We were all three on the one queen sized bed, cuddled together and only proving true to our already strong bond.

  When I woke a few hours later, B had kicked herself sideways. Her head was in my ribs and her feet were pressed against Brooks’ hard abs. He was awake, staring at me, with a grin on his face. Sometime, while sleeping, our hands had come apart and he was using his to motion to me that we needed to move her, or ourselves.

  I slid off the bed and replaced where I was with a pillow. Brooks did the same after adjusting the covers so she couldn’t kick them off easily.

  We climbed into the other bed. He pulled me close, bringing my back to rest against his chest. He leaned his chin against my shoulder and kissed it before becoming completely still. I placed my arms over top of his that were holding me tight and closed my eyes again. Just as I was falling back asleep, I heard him whisper something that woke me right back up. “I love you so much, Kat.”

  I couldn’t lay there, being so close to him, having his fingertips almost touching my tingling nipples and do nothing. I was done fighting a losing battle with wrong and right. I wanted Brooks, because in so many ways, I’d always only been his. With morals pushed aside, I lifted his wrapped arms up a few inches to glide across my nipples. The pure awareness that it sent between my legs was immediate. I was burning for him and I couldn’t hold back any longer. I needed to dive in and be devoured by his love. My ass adjusted and I could feel his eagerness pressing on the back of my butt. Brooks knew it too. He knew that I wasn’t going to sleep until I was satiated by anything and everything that he had to offer.

  When we were finally facing each other, prepared to keep going, he closed in for another kiss. “Make love to me, Brooks.”

  He seemed conflicted. “You said we couldn’t.”

  I ran my hand over his lips and he opened them to allow me to lean in and kiss him, dragging my tongue over his teeth. “Don’t you want me?” I whispered.

  “Don’t be stupid, Kat. You don’t know how hard it is for me to hold back from what I really want. I just can’t have you walking out on me like before. There’s too much at stake here. If waiting will help you stick to your decision, it’s worth it to me.”

  It hurt that he thought I was going to walk away again. He’d been right about it being different this time. I wasn’t being fickle. I knew exactly who and what I wanted.

  This time I was all in. I didn’t have regrets. What I did have was a daughter and the chance for us to be a real family. “All I want is us, forever. I won’t be changing my mind or abandoning you. If you think we should wait, I’ll respect your decision, but we’re here, naked in this room. You love me and I love you. I’ve made a ton of mistakes, but there’s one thing that I’ve done right in my life, and that’s loving you. Brooks, look at me and tell me that you think I’m going to let go again. Look over at that little girl who loves you after knowing you for only a few days and tell me that I’d be so heartless as to take her away from you.”

  He seemed like he felt sorry for assuming my intentions weren’t true. “Point taken. You can’t blame me for being scared, Kat. I’ve lost you so many times and I know that if it happened again this time it would end me. I couldn’t live with knowing that you and B were out there and I couldn’t be with you. That’s why I want everything to be right this time.”

  I deserved to get the cold shoulder. I definitely deserved to suffer for hurting him again and again. Sometimes I felt like the most wretched person to exist. How he could be lying next to me was still a mystery.

  Yet, there he was, holding me and offering me a forever that I’d wanted for as long as I could remember. “I’ll wait for you, Brooks, just like you waited for me.”

  He smiled, as if it was some sort of mock. “Yeah, I’m not real sure waiting is the best decision.” His change of attitude was apparent when he rubbed his stiff erection against my leg. “I figure I’ve got two choices. I can go in the bathroom and take care of this myself, like I’ve gotten pretty used to doing, or I can be with the woman that I’ve waited almost three years to be with again.”

  “Seems like a really hard decision.” I purposely stressed the word hard.

  Brooks laughed. “Yeah.” He took my hand and ran it over his boxer briefs. “What do you think?”

  When he let go of my hand, I didn’t stop touching him. In fact, I reached inside of the elastic band and ran my fingers over his super smooth erection. “I think that if you don’t make love to me, I’m going to have to beg.” I started massaging him, watching his eyes close. “Do you think about that night as much as I do? I want to feel it again; that connection that took us to places neither of us knew existed.”

  He opened his beautiful blue eyes, and like a switch went off in his brain, knew exactly what was going to happen. I felt his lips on mine, before he pulled away and teased me with is tongue. “If I told you how much I’ve thought about you, I may scare you away. It’s borderline stalking.”

  I kissed him and backed away again. His boxer briefs were being slowly pushed down. I needed to free him before he could change his mind. For me, there was no going back. It didn’t matter if it had been one day or one year. I wanted to be with Brooks and nothing could stop me from finally having it.

  Brooks slid off the bed and removed his underwear. He looked behind him, making sure our daughter was still fast asleep and climbed back into the bed with me. He pulled
down the covers and kissed the elastic of my underwear. I felt his fingers lifting it and tracing the skin where my legs met my sex. His face was at my waist as he watched himself sliding my panties to the side. His fingers rubbed over the skin and he looked up at me to see my reaction to his touch. I was on fire for him already, so when he blew on it, my body reacted, overcompensating for it having been so long since we’d been together.

  When he started removing them off of my legs, I lifted my ass and helped. I wanted to be completely naked, giving myself to this man, knowing that we were going to be together for the rest of our lives. With life being so fragile, I was tired of taking the easy road out. I had to fight for what I wanted and seize the day, knowing that whatever came next we would go through it together.

  As my underwear were being removed from my ankles, Brooks looked right between my legs. He ran the whole palm of his hand over the lips of my pussy and then brought his eyes up to meet mine. The first thing I noticed is that they were glossed over again. “Kat, promise me that this is forever. Tell me that when I wake up in the morning, you’re still going to be in my arms. Assure me that this time is different.”

  I leaned forward, closing the space between us. “I’m never leaving you again. Wherever you go, I’m going to be by your side. I want this, Brooks. It’s all I’ve ever wanted. We’re a family, and nobody can ever take that away from us.”

  Our lips met as he brought his body to be even with mine. I felt his fingers sliding inside of me and was confident that there was no turning back. Brooks climbed on top of me and stopped kissing me while he spoke. “The first time’s going to be fast, but after that, I’ll be able to go all night.”