Don't Think. Just Breathe. (TNT trilogy Book 1)

by Sarah Delany

  “You okay there, Tate? You haven’t said anything since we left English and you’re starting to freak me out a bit with the goofy grin on your face,” Scott teases me.

  “What goofy grin?” I deny, as he opens the door to our class. I check my desk and Tamsyn hasn’t arrived yet. She must have still been in English when I left, too busy in my head to notice. I place my bag on the floor next to me, pulling out my books and placing them on my desk. I flip to a blank page and get to work on my note.

  Out of nowhere I feel Tamsyn’s presence like a sixth sense. I gaze at the door as she’s walking through it. I’m attuned to her. In my peripheral view I see Scott lean across Tamsyn’s side of the desk towards me.

  “There’s the goofy grin I’m talking about and I’ve realised what makes it appear,” he whispers to me, with a hint of laughter in his voice. I look at him and he nods his head towards Tamsyn who luckily doesn’t see our silent conversation. I give him the stink eye hoping he will keep his mouth shut now she’s close enough to hear him. He chuckles at me, finding this funny and he sits back in his chair out of Tamsyn’s way.

  She hooks her bag on the back of her chair, takes out her books and pulls her chair out so she can get in without disturbing me or Scott, scraping the legs of the chair on the ground as she shuffles forward. Wasting no time at all she lays her head on her arms in her favoured position. Ms. Chadwick is explaining the anatomy of the eye. She sets us our work for the class. We are to draw our own versions of the diagram she has on the board of a labelled eye. It gives me a chance to finish the note I was starting in English. I quickly finish it off, going over it a few times in my black pen so it’s dark and bold.

  Tamsyn has her book angled in front of her so she can still lay on her arms and work, although she rarely works in this class choosing to usually zone out instead. Seeing her participate this time is nice to see. She is taking an interest in this class after all. I try to concentrate on my work quietly while the rest of the class does the same. A peaceful calm surrounds me as I work but inside I’m bubbling with nerves. I wonder what Tamsyn thinks about the last note I gave her. I wish I was braver so I could talk to her. I don’t know what to say though. Would she talk back or would she give me the blank stare she’s perfected? Ugh when did I become this insecure person who double guesses everything they are going to say? I don’t want to say the wrong thing though…..like I did last time.

  Lost in my inner ramblings I lose track of time but the bell ringing brings me out of my thoughts and into the present.

  “Damn it,” I mutter under my breath. I was planning to slip the note to Tamsyn like I did last time but she’s already packing up her things. I’ve missed my chance.

  “Tate, you’re still coming to the party tomorrow yeah?” Scott asks me, as he’s making his way towards the door to leave.

  “Yeah, I’ll be there,” I reply, giving him a fist bump as he passes me.

  “Tamsyn, can I see you for a minute?” I hear Ms. Chadwick call out, as the other students empty out of the room. Tamsyn stops packing up, leaving her books on the desk and slides off her chair on the opposite side from me. As she’s walking towards Ms. Chadwick’s desk at the front of the class, I grab the opportunity to leave my note. I flip to the back of my notebook and tear the page hurriedly out. Placing it on the top of her books, I hastily grab my things not bothering to put them in my bag before speed walking out of the door. I don’t risk a backwards glance. Releasing the breath I didn’t realise I was holding, I carry on towards the car park where I know JP will be waiting for me.

  ---Tamsyn---

  Come on Tam, you have to start making an effort. You can’t keep floating through your days without doing anything. You’re falling behind in classes and if you don’t start paying attention you’re going to fail. You got this girl. You can do it. I give myself a pep talk as I travel from English to human bio not watching where I’m going. Being given an essay question to complete in English threw me off as it’s the first big assignment we have had this year, so far. I don’t know what I was thinking. Why did I think I could space out in my classes and everything would be peachy? What an idiot. You’re so dumb sometimes Tam. Too busy feeling sorry for yourself and now you are getting behind in classes. Oh my gosh, what if I flunk the whole year? Then what will I do? Oh Daddy I wish you were here. At least if you were here this wouldn’t be happening. You would be kicking my butt for getting this far behind. Okay I can do this. I can do better for you Daddy. I will do better for you.

  My feet have taken me all the way to my human bio desk without me aware of where I was. Great, now I’m spacing out while walking around. This is not what I need, another weird thing to add to my list. Let’s hope I never walk into the wrong bathroom. I empty my books onto my desk and move my chair in so I can lean my head down like I always do. Ms. Chadwick is talking about the structure of an eyeball. She tells us to draw the diagram she has on the board. Okay, this seems easy enough. I can do it. I pull my books towards me opening my notebook. It’s the second week of school and I don’t have one single word written in here. I guess today is as good a start as any. On my brand spanking first page I start drawing my eye diagram. It doesn’t look half bad. I find myself enjoying myself and getting lost in my work as the class continues quietly.

  Before I know it the bell for the end of the day is ringing. I stare at my work for a second while everyone else is rushing to leave and I am proud of myself for getting it done. It might not be much but it’s a start. I slowly get all my things together as I hear Scott ask Tate about a party on the weekend. I pack up slower while waiting with bated breath for Tate’s reply. He says he will be there. I wonder whose party it is.

  “Tamsyn, can I see you for a minute?” Ms. Chadwick’s voice pulls me away from my spying, so I leave my stuff on the desk, dragging my feet towards her. I wonder if I’m in trouble. Does she notice I don’t pay attention? I can see in my peripheral view, most of the students have left so at least if she says something embarrassing, no one will be here to witness it.

  “Tamsyn, take a seat please,” she suggests, holding her hand out in the direction of the seat opposite her. I listen to her advice and sit in the chair waiting to hear what she needs to say. “I hope you don’t mind me asking this Tamsyn, but are you okay?” she holds up a hand before I can retaliate. “Hear me out first please?” I nod, since she sounds so sincere. “I’ve watched you since the first day you came into my class, and in two weeks, today is the first day you have opened your book up. I don’t know if you’ve taken any notes up to this point. You lie down on the desk like you would rather be sleeping than participate in this class. I’m worried about you Tamsyn, you aren’t happy when you’re in this class. Is there something I can help you with?” she asks kindly.

  I can’t speak. I don’t know how or what to say in response. No one has asked me how I am for so long, I’ve forgotten what it felt like when someone genuinely cared. My lips tremble and my eyes burn from holding back the tears.

  “Awww, it’s fine Tamsyn, let it out if you need to,” Ms. Chadwick encourages, as she rounds her desk and comes to crouch in front of me. Placing a hand on my knee she waits. Sniffling, I tell her how I’m feeling.

  “I’ve felt so lost lately like I don’t know what I’m doing or who I’m supposed to be. My dad died and I’m so heartbroken,” I crumble into her arms, letting the flood of tears race down my face as she holds me.

  “Let it out, let it all out,” she repeats, while rubbing my back and comforting me. I’m not sure how long we stay like that but it’s a while. My tears have dried against my skin and my tear ducts have run dry. She loosens her embrace on me, sits back on her heels, looking up at me. “Do you feel any better?” she asks. I nod as my throat is scratchy from crying. “If you ever need anything, you can come to me Tamsyn. I’m here if you need help to catch up in class or if you need someone to listen to and talk to,” she tells me supportiv
ely. “You did well today in class, I’m proud of you for trying. I want you to try to keep it up from now on. But if you get overwhelmed or life is getting too much, I want you to come to me and we will figure something out. Agreed?” she says, nodding her head.

  “Agreed,” I reply. Concerned, she asks if I will be okay and I tell her I feel better already.

  “Off you go then, and try to enjoy your weekend,” she says, as she watches me walk back to get my things.

  I grab my bag and books but before leaving I turn to her and I say, “Thanks Miss for listening. I appreciate it.” She smiles at me as I leave.

  Holding my books tightly to my chest, I race to the car park already late, hoping Blake is still waiting for me. By the time I get there, the car park is almost empty. I must have been in there longer than I thought; the car park is a ghost town. Luckily I spot Blake’s car off by itself with him sitting on the hood talking to Parker.

  He spots me coming and yells, “There you are, we’ve been worried. Where have you been?” Both Blake and Parker look at me.

  “Sorry I got held up in class,” I apologise.

  “It’s fine cutie. Hop in the car and we’ll take you home. Parker is coming over to mine today,” he fills me in. I open the passenger side door and hop in my usual seat and Parker sits in the back. Blake and Parker start the conversation up I interrupted as he pulls the car out onto the road.

  “So are you free to come to the party with us tomorrow Tam?” Parker asks from behind me. Blake has a quick glance at me eagerly waiting to see what my answer will be.

  “Umm sure, I guess so,” I agree, nervously trying to sound excited. They both start whooping and hollering making me giggle. I turn to gaze out the window with a smile on my face and realise it wasn’t Blake’s face which made me agree to the party. It was Tate’s and hearing he would be going to a party tomorrow too. I hope it’s the same one.

  Blake drops me off with a kiss on the cheek and I carry my books inside the house. Mum is in her same spot, vegged out in front of the T.V.

  “Hey Mum, how was your day?” I ask, as I head towards the stairs.

  “Good dear, how was yours? she asks, without taking her eyes off the screen.

  “Good,” I reply, as I walk up the stairs away from small talk I can’t be bothered with. The door creaks as I enter my room letting my bag fall from my arm to the floor. I walk to my desk by the window and place my books there. The crinkling of paper draws my attention down to my books. There staring at me on a piece of paper are the words ‘YOU ARE ENOUGH.’ Air catches in my throat as I stare at the bold, black letters. My eyes prick with unshed tears as my shaking hand extends out to pick up the paper. The only conclusion I can come to is Tate. It must be him leaving me another anonymous note. The tears finally reach their tipping point and spill down my cheeks. This sweet boy I hardly acknowledge sees something in me. He sees right into my soul without trying. I’ve barely said two words to him but he’s starting to draw me in and there’s no way I can stop it. Can I find the courage to talk to him? If he’s going through all this effort to connect with me, the least I can do is make an effort back. I walk to my bedside table, open the top drawer and place his new note inside. Unzipping my skirt pocket, I pull out the now worn piece of paper with the star on it and place it in the drawer alongside Tate’s other note. I’ve carried his note in my pocket all week, wanting to have it close to me wherever I went.

  Chapter 6

  ---Tate---

  Riding in JP’s car with Rafe and Scott, JP is the sober driver for the night so I’m having a few beers. We have a box to share so I flick the caps off two of them and pass them to the back seat to Rafe and Scott. With the music blaring, we drive to the other side of town to Penny’s house where the party is. Apparently her parents travel a lot for work so her house is a frequent spot to party on weekends. Thirty minutes later and we are pulling up to a street lined with cars.

  “We’ll find a park wherever we can boys and walk over,” JP tells us, as he searches the busy street for any vacant spot to park. The street is filled with cars and music thumping from a big white Villa can be heard through our windows.

  “Are her parties always this full on?” I ask the guys.

  “Yeah, plenty of kids from school turn up here since her parents aren’t usually home. It means they can get away with a lot without any chance of consequences,” Rafe informs me. “Plus she has a pool and who doesn’t enjoy seeing girls get wet at a party?” Rafe adds, chuckling to himself causing JP and Scott to join in with his laughter.

  We manage to find a spot about a hundred metres up the road so we park up, skull what is left in our beer bottles and grab the rest of the box to take inside. Meandering down the street, Rafe and Scott walk ahead of me and JP cackling at something Rafe said.

  Grabbing my arm, JP asks me, “You okay man? You’re a bit quiet tonight.”

  I slow my stride and turn to JP, “Yeah man I’m fine, you know me, parties aren’t my jam.”

  He throws his arm over my shoulder, “Well tonight you’re going to have fun. I’m the sober driver so let loose and enjoy yourself for a bit. Get out of your head for one night. You might be surprised by what happens,” he suggests, in a warmhearted tone.

  Before I can answer him Rafe twists around with a cheeky gleam in his eyes.

  “So are you hoping the Ice Queen is going to be there Tate?” he taunts. JP and Scott snigger along with him.

  “Don’t call her that man,” I defend. “And it’s not what you think. I want to be friends with her.” This makes them all cackle louder.

  “Sure it is Tate. We’ve all seen the daydreaming look you get on your face when she’s around,” Scott teases. Suddenly, I grab Scott’s shoulders and hold his neck in place to give him a noogie.

  “Shut up man,” I playfully say, while rubbing my knuckles through his hair. He tries to pull out of my firm grip.

  “Don’t mess up the hair man,” he protests. Letting go we all laugh at him trying to smooth his hair back into place.

  Booming music cuts through our comradery as we walk through the gate, up the path towards the craziness. Opening the door, we are blasted with more noise, the music louder inside than expected. The atmosphere mixed with chatter and laughter from all the drunken teenagers makes it hard to think. Following JP, as he pushes through the crowd of people, he leads us to the kitchen where bottles of different alcohol line the bench. Rafe sets our box down and the three of us drinking, take a new bottle, popping the caps off. We all clink our bottles with a united ‘Cheers’. I take a big swig of mine, deciding I might need a bit of liquid courage to get me through this night.

  We grab another beer each, and with full hands we follow in a line behind JP. He leads us through the house trying to find somewhere quieter where we can chill. We end up going into the back yard where there’s more teenagers lingering around. For such a small school there sure are a lot of students.

  A permanent bonfire pit is situated in the center of the sparse yard, flames keeping the bystanders warm. Surrounded by sturdy bench seats, it’s a popular spot for a lot of people. The pool off to the side already has some people in it splashing each other and fooling around. Wooden pool chairs line one side of it with a few occupied by spectators not brave enough to face the cold water with the chill in the air. I don’t blame them. I’m nowhere near drunk enough to get into freezing water, but I guess they can warm themselves by the fire once they exit the pool. It’s a pretty sweet set up here; lucky for Penny.

  JP leads us to an empty bench seat. We all squish next to each other as we sit. None of us are willing to stand this early in the night. I get stuck on one end next to JP. Inspecting the fire and its surroundings, I see a few people from school I’ve seen before, including one of the girls who hangs with Tamsyn, Chloe, I think her name is. She’s sitting opposite us in a tight black boob tube dress, engrossed in a conversatio
n with a guy I’ve never seen before. My heart rate picks up, wondering if Tamsyn came with her. A quick glimpse around and I don’t see anyone else from their usual group so she must have come by herself.

  “Don’t make it too obvious you’re searching for her,” JP teasingly whispers to me, with a smirk on his face.

  “Shut up, man,” I quietly say, embarrassed I was caught searching for her. Trying to distract myself I drain the rest of the bottle finishing it off and placing it on the grass between my outstretched feet. Popping the cap off the other bottle I have, I skull more beer, trying to get a buzz going. JP is right, I need to get out of my head for a night and forget everything for a while.

  “I don’t know what it is you see in her if I’m being honest dude,” JP states. Annoyed he won’t let it go and keeps giving me a hard time, I angle my body so I can look him straight in the eye, deciding to be truthful with him

  “Quinn,” I deadpan, “Quinn is what I see in her.” His eyes bulge and he inhales sharply like I punched him in the gut, unconsciously angling him away from me.

  “Shit,” he mutters, “Tate, I’m...”

  “Don’t,” I cut him off, and abruptly stand up before he can say anything else. Rafe and Scott notice the tense atmosphere around me and JP and stop their conversation to watch our next moves. “I’m going to go mingle for a bit guys, I’ll catch up with you later,” I tell them as I drain the rest of my beer and walk away. Don’t think. Don’t think. Don’t think! I tell myself as I push through the back door to the jam packed house propelling myself towards the kitchen. As I approach the kitchen bench I grab two new beer bottles, cramming them in my pockets. I snatch a plastic cup out of the pile and fill it with some bourbon, needing something stronger than beer to take me away from thoughts of her. Don’t think. Don’t think. Don’t think! Peering into the brown liquid, I see a quick flash of blonde hair and green eyes so much like my own. It’s the motivation I need as I tip my head back, downing the whole cup. The welcoming burn down my throat warms my stomach and I know soon I’ll be free of thoughts of her. I’ll be free of everything. Quickly I refill my cup, grab a third beer and turn my back on the bench surveilling the room to see if I recognise anyone. All strangers to me, I release a sigh. I let my feet lead me wherever they want to go, not having a destination in mind.