Don't Think. Just Breathe. (TNT trilogy Book 1)

by Sarah Delany

  ---Tamsyn---

  It took me hours to find something to wear I was semi happy with. Nothing I tried on I liked or fit right. I realised I have lost weight because everything in my wardrobe is too big now, hanging off me and not in a good way. Finally I decided to wear my favourite dark blue skinny jeans. They used to fit perfectly but now are so loose, they’re baggy jeans. I’ve paired them with this bright red top you can wear eight ways by tying it differently. It’s one of the only tops that would sit nicely on my figure, and with being able to change it, it means I can adjust it more than a normal top. I’ve got it tied up in a one shoulder top look, which is good. It suits my straightened hair and my makeup. I ride, in anticipation, to the party with Blake, Parker and Leyla. Chloe said she was meeting us there since she’s going with Maddox who she has recently started dating from another school.

  Approaching the house where the party is, my hands sweat and my heart rate increases. My nerves worsen when I see what most of the other girls are wearing. Most are in skimpy little dresses, hardly covering anything. I’ve got on a full body suit compared to nearly every girl here. The little bit of confidence I had managed to build up has quickly diminished, leaving me hesitant. I’m wishing I hadn’t agreed to come out at all now.

  Blake grabs my hand pulling me through the crowd of people inside with Parker and Leyla following. As we arrive at the kitchen where all the alcohol is set up he asks me if I want a drink.

  “Something with vodka in it, thanks,” I tell him, while I’m preoccupied with searching the overflowing house trying to locate Tate. Searching for him has me anticipating what I will say to him if I see him. I’m not even sure where to start when it comes to him. Blake taps my shoulder, drawing my attention to him as he hands me a plastic cup with red liquid in it.

  “Cranberry and vodka,” he states. I take a tentative sip to see how strong it is, it tastes a bit tart with a small burn of vodka after I swallow. I may need something stronger later if the party gets too much to handle. I give Blake a small smile in thanks which he returns.

  “Let’s go find Chloe,” Leyla suggests, as Parker hands her a drink he’s made for her. Leyla links her arm with me and with drinks in hand, we follow the boys through the house to the back yard. We’ve been to a lot of Penny’s parties before and the bonfire pit is usually one of our favourite spots to occupy. As we exit the back door I feel the chill of the air around me, making me hold on to Leyla a bit tighter for some extra warmth. She leads us to the fire where there’s already a few people trying to get warm. The closer we get, the more you can hear raised voices coming from the far side of the fire. Glancing that way I notice it’s JP, Rafe and Scott. I can’t make out what they are saying from this distance but Rafe and Scott are angry at JP, and JP is waving his hands around explaining something to them. A quick peek let me know Tate isn’t with them and my heart sinks a bit.

  “Chloe!!” Leyla squeals, turning my head towards the opposite side of the fire where Chloe sits with a fair skinned guy with blue black hair who I assume is Maddox. Pulling me closer to Chloe, Leyla lets go of me to hug her as she jumps up excitedly when she sees us.

  “What took you so long to get here?” Chloe questions.

  Leaning back from Chloe with a hand on her hip, Leyla confidently says, “It takes time to look this good girl,” making her and Chloe giggle. Inspecting them both I notice they look like all the other girls here with tight, body hugging dresses. It makes me feel more out of place than I already did.

  Chloe, looking me up and down, hugs me and says, “Tam, you have got to tell me what you are doing to lose weight. You’re super skinny. I’m so jealous.” I shrug because I don’t think she would appreciate me telling her my weight loss is a byproduct of grief and a loss of appetite.

  With judging eyes directed at my jeans, she snidely remarks, “You could use some smaller clothes though honey, those do nothing for your figure.” As she pinches the excess material at the side of my thigh, I see the hint of a smirk on her face.

  “So are you going to introduce us?” I ask Chloe, to get her attention off me. With excitement in her eyes she turns to the guy who was sitting next to her.

  “Guys, this is Maddox. Maddox, these are my friends Leyla, Tamsyn, Blake and Parker,” she offers, gesturing to each of us in turn. Exchanging hi’s and hellos everyone eases into conversations while my eyes wander around in search of Him.

  My eyes gravitate towards his friends over the fire and shockingly they are all fixed on me with a range of emotions on their faces. JP glares at me with annoyance, Rafe is amused and Scott is enraged like I have personally offended him. I have no idea why they’re all directing these feelings at me but it unnerves me causing me to take a big gulp of my nearly forgotten drink. Shifting my attention back to my group of friends, who haven’t noticed my lack of interest in their conversation, I tug on Blake’s shirt.

  Looking down at me I say to him, “I’m going to get another drink, you want anything?”

  “No, I’m okay for now. You want me to come with you? he asks.

  “No, I’ll be fine. I’m going to head to the bathroom and then grab a drink on my way back,” I explain, giving him a kiss on the cheek before leaving. The girls are too engrossed with talking to Maddox, they don’t notice me slink away.

  Heading back inside to the throng of sweaty, drunk people, I try to push my way through which takes longer than I expect. I’m not the biggest person and nobody can hear my pleas to move over the loud, blasting music. As I’m struggling to make much progress through the crowd, a large, hot hand grips my elbow and a booming “Move,” is heard from over my shoulder. I twist my neck to see JP. He tugs me off to the side of the room, the way made clear by people giving him space to get through. I can see the anger pulsing off of him in waves and I’m not sure if it’s directed at me or not. I don’t know JP well, though we’ve been through all our high school years together. We have never interacted with the same groups of people. He did ask me out a few years back, before I was with Blake but I blew him off. I staged it in a bitchy way in front of people because Chloe had the biggest crush on him and I didn’t want to hurt her by dating him. So I’d hurt him instead. Since then it had always been tense between us so I’d started being cold towards him so he wouldn’t pursue me anymore. It did the trick.

  Pushing me a bit harshly towards a wall where nobody is, he corners me in by placing his hands on either side of my head, leaning in towards me. I shrink back because his big frame mixed with his rage is starting to scare me.

  “What’s your game, Tamsyn?” he angrily grunts at me.

  “What do you mean?” I stammer.

  “Don’t play dumb with me. I know you Ice Queen, you’ve always got some hidden agenda,” he snarls at me, using my hated nickname he made for me after I blew him off.

  “I don’t know what you’re talking about, so if you’ll excuse me I think I’ll be going now,” I try to fake a confident attitude but inside I’m terrified of what he might do and want to get away from him. I try to weave my head under his arm restraining me in his cage but he moves it down to block my escape.

  “Tate,” he hisses at me, through clenched teeth. My heart skips a beat at the mention of his name.

  “What about Tate? Is he okay?” My concerned tone throws JP off and his mask of anger drops while he carefully examines me. He straightens up, removing his hands from the wall and instead crosses them over his chest.

  “What’s your game with Tate?” his tired tone questions me. I can’t help but examine him myself. Hiding under his anger I get a big sense of worry from JP. I don’t understand why he’d be worried about me and Tate though. We don’t talk to each other, unless…..I inhale sharply causing his eyes to narrow at me.

  “You know?” I ask him.

  “Know what? What’s there to know?” I hear the anger returning to his voice.

  “The notes,” I tell
him in a defeated tone, dropping my head to stare at the ground. I had stupidly thought Tate had kept the notes he sent me to himself. It was a private thing between the two of us. Blurry vision alerts me to how much it affects me that he told someone. A single tear slips over the edge, dropping to the wooden floor, my shaking shoulders hunching forward. I wrap my arms around my waist trying to hold myself together until I can get away from JP so I can fall apart in private. A gentle fist under my chin lifts it upwards drawing my tear filled eyes to look at JP. There’s no more anger in his eyes, only concern and confusion.

  “Sorry, I’ve upset you, it wasn’t my intention. I don’t know about any notes. I wanted to warn you away from Tate. He’s vulnerable at the moment and doesn’t need any more hurt in his life. I’ve seen the way he’s taken an interest in you but you’re with Blake. I don’t want him getting hurt,” he quietly pleads with me. I clear my tears, thankful he doesn’t know about the notes. Maybe the notes are a secret between us two. Hopefully they can stay this way. Is Tate hurting as much as I am? I wonder.

  “Me and Tate don’t talk but if it makes it any better, I promise I won’t hurt him,” I tell him honestly.

  He must see the sincerity on my face as he nods saying, “It’s all I’m asking for. Have a good night. “ He turns and walks away into the crowd of people I’d forgotten existed for a minute. Making his way easily towards the back door, I let out a breath I didn’t realise I was holding and push off the wall needing a drink.

  In the kitchen I find a plastic cup and grab one of the vodka bottles filling it halfway then top it off with the cranberry juice. This should do the trick. I take a sip to gage how strong it’s going to taste, holding in a cough as my throat burns when I swallow. This will do the trick. Bringing the cup to my lips I take a bigger gulp this time emptying most of the cup. I quickly finish the rest and grab the liquor and refill my cup with vodka.

  “You know if you add a splash of cranberry juice to your vodka, nobody will question why you are trying to get blind drunk.” I whip around startled, not realising someone was watching me.

  “Thanks,” I say to Penny, not commenting on her observation of my drinking habits. Taking her advice, I grab the bottle of cranberry juice and tip in enough to colour it. Glancing at Penny, she raises her cup to me in salute and turns away to go in the opposite direction. With my cup in hand, I merge back into the chaos of people and slowly find my way to the door leading to the back yard, letting the numbness from the vodka settle over me.

  With thoughts of finding my friends again, I stumble through the door. As it closes, the blaring music gets trapped inside. The wind whips around my face blowing my straightened hair around. I run my fingers through it wiping it away from my face.

  “Shit,” I mutter, as I remember I’m wearing makeup, hoping my tears didn’t make me look like too much of a mess. Using my index finger I wipe harshly under my eyes to clear away any mascara. Inspecting my finger, I see a speck of black so it can’t be too bad and I continue on my way. Laughter and sounds of fun draw my feet towards the pool. There’s a few people in there playing volleyball with a net fitted across the center of the pool so I unlock the gate surrounding it to go watch. The gate clicks back into the lock with a bang but no one reacts to my presence, too entranced in their game. I see unoccupied pool seats lining one side of the pool so I stagger towards them planning to hide out here for a bit, instead of trying to pretend I’m enjoying myself with my friends.

  As I’m trying to find the perfect spot I catch sight of a lone figure sprawled out on the last chair. They are hidden from view as the lights over the pool miss the corner where they are. It must be why they picked that spot. My feet of their own accord take me closer to the figure, like I’m drawn to them. Something about them is familiar. The washed out blue jeans hug the crossed legs lying in front of them with white sneakers on their feet. A bright red t.shirt hugs their trim form showing off sculpted arms as they rest their hands behind their head. Familiar blond hair sweeps across his forehead and I know stunning green eyes lay hidden beneath his closed lids. Tate. I let out a sigh of relief. Seeing him brings a calm over me I didn’t realise I needed. He looks so serene, he could be asleep.

  Whether it’s my own confidence or the vodka making me brave, I’m not sure but I walk around the side of him, noticing an empty cup and some empty beer bottles down beside his chair. Placing my back towards the pool and squeezing my butt on the chair by his legs, I settle down and stare at him. The squeaking of the chair must alert him to my presence as his body jerks and he opens his eyes. He shakes his head like he doesn’t believe I’m real and lowers his arms to his lap.

  “Tamsyn?” he asks, unsure.

  “Hi Tate,” I quietly respond. My voice wakes him up more and his body leans towards me, uncrossing his legs and drawing them up, he plants one on either side of the chair, straddling it.

  Looking at me in amazement he responds with, “You’re here?” questioning me, his drunken haze filling him with doubt.

  “In the flesh,” I say, trying to make it less awkward. Leaning closer, he brings his hand up to gently grasp my chin between his thumb and index finger.

  “You’ve been crying,” he states the truth, not needing me to confirm it.

  “It doesn’t matter,” I reply. Our eyes locked on each other, we gaze intently into the other’s eyes. The noise surrounding us fades into the background, like me and Tate are the only two people here. We sit so still, neither one of us wants to break the trance.

  “You look so beautiful tonight,” I barely hear him whisper, like he wasn’t meant to say it out loud. A faint smile ghosts my lips, which in turn makes him smile so wide like mine was infectious.

  Still holding my chin he slowly squeezes as he drags his fingers away reluctant to let go. I miss his touch as soon as it’s gone but don’t dare ask him to touch me again. What is happening with this guy? I’m with Blake but this sweet guy in front of me draws me in like I’m destined to be near him. There’s no point fighting it as it is inevitable. I couldn’t fight it if I wanted to.

  “What brings you out here by yourself?” I inquire, as it’s strange he’s out here alone when his friends are at the party too. He doesn’t answer at first, he spreads his arm out to grasp my once again forgotten cup.

  “May I?” he requests, wrapping his hand around mine to gain access to the cup.

  “Sure,” I counter, handing over my cup freely. He downs the contents before I’ve barely let go, hissing between his teeth when the burn hits his throat.

  “The water,” he supplies. I look at him confused not understanding what he means. His eyes glaze over for a moment like he’s remembering something then he shocks me by saying, “You asked me why I was out here. The water is why. I found you by the water before so I thought it might work for me again,” he lifts his shoulder in a one armed shrug to say it’s not a big deal. He’s not making sense now. I wonder how many drinks he’s had already because he must be drunk. I’ve never seen him by water before.

  “At first I thought you didn’t want to acknowledge you’d met me before, but then I realised you didn’t remember me. You were drunk after all. Vodka being your liquor of choice.” He tips the empty cup my way to emphasize his point.

  I’m still coming up blank, so I ask, “When was this?” Staring at me curiously, he leans back onto the chair and puts his legs straight out on it again in the same position I found him in, except his hands lie in his lap.

  He wriggles right to the side away from me saying, “Come lie down next to me and I’ll tell you.” He invites me with a cheeky grin, patting the space he made clear for me to fit. Gosh he looks so cute right now. All these thoughts cross my mind about how this is a bad idea, what if someone sees us, I’m with Blake, JP said not to hurt him. “Don’t think Tamsyn,” he says, interrupting the voice in my head, stretching out a hand for me to take, I place mine in his. He pulls me to his sid
e, releasing my hand he puts his back on his lap and I wriggle in next to him. Getting a whiff of a rich, earthy scent I take a bigger inhale, igniting goose bumps on my arms as the smell is all Tate and he smells divine. “Are you cold?” he asks, noticing the obvious goose bumps on my arms. He is way too perceptive sometimes.

  “Yeah, a little,” I lie, to cover my embarrassment.

  “Cuddle in closer to me if you need to, I’ll keep you warm,” he suggests. So I maneuver myself closer than I already was to him, feeling the warmth coming off his body through our clothes. Being the perfect gentleman in his inebriated state, he keeps his hands in his lap which helps relax me more.

  “So, about this encounter we had. Are you going to fill me in now?” I encourage him to talk. He adjusts himself a fraction more so he’s comfortable, closes his eyes, and recalls the memory.

  “It was a Tuesday night before school started. I couldn’t sleep so I went for a run and spotted someone sitting alone at the dock by the water.” He’s taken all emotions out of his story and is relaying the facts. I don’t want to interrupt him so I let him continue.

  “It was you, sitting in a green dress. You’d been drinking heavily from what I could tell, so it’s probably why you don’t remember me. We made introductions then you asked me if I would save you if you were drowning.” My sharp intake of breath has him snapping his eyes open to look at me. He rolls onto his side facing me, softly grabs my waist and encourages me to roll onto my side too. We both rest our heads on our hands, but he keeps his other hand firmly holding onto my hip like he’s keeping me from running away. Looking into my eyes he asks, “Did you remember?” with hope in his voice.