Black Ice

by Camille Mackenzie

  “Hello, Kennedy. Nice to see you.”

  “You too.”

  Kennedy’s curly strawberry blonde hair hangs wildly to her bare shoulders. She is wearing a tea length olive dress that matches her complexion perfectly. She has somehow managed to get a tan toward the end of fall. The slight browning of her skin makes me think of Sage. I start to wonder how much better she would look in the dress instead.

  “I can take you to the living room,” she offers, looping her arm with mine.

  I pull myself free. “I’ll find the way.”

  “Sure.” She frowns.

  We go together quietly. I take in the big beautiful home. It’s just as I remembered. I try to picture Sage growing up here. I try to see her on the long couch doing homework or watching tv. I even try to imagine her by the fireplace but it’s hard to do. There are no pictures of her anywhere. No evidence that she’d ever been apart of this family. It saddens me. She told me once that she felt alone here. Isolated. And now I see why.

  “How long did Sage live here?”

  “On and off before her mother died,” Kennedy shrugs pouring herself something to drink. “And then pretty much all the time after that. I thought you knew that.”

  “I did.” I reply sadly. “I just forgot.”

  How could they have her here for so long and not have one picture of her? How could Dean let her feel so alone? My heart aches for that little girl. I wish I’d listened to her more when she said she felt like she didn’t have anyone but me. I always dismissed it as teenage angst. I didn’t see it for what it was. The truth.

  “You know I remember when she came home from that junior skate competition. She literally couldn’t stop talking about you for days. She must have told me the story about a million times.”

  “Right. You all were really close. I remember.”

  “Not as close as the two of you. Really weird for an older boy to take interest in a thirteen-year-old.

  “I was seventeen at the time. Not that much older and we were just friends.”

  “But you’re not anymore, right?”

  I refuse to acknowledge that question. “Where’s your Dad?”

  “In the trophy room. I think he’s planning on shining things up in there for when Sage gets here.” She rolls her eyes up. “They love to brag about their awards together. It’s annoying.”

  Kennedy flops down into a chair crossing her feet at the ankles and exposing her thighs as the dress rides up. I turn away.

  “Where is it?”

  “You know how Sage is,” Kennedy carries on. “She loves and audience. She’s probably got a speech prepared and everything.” She gobbles down half her drink and looks up at me. Her lips twist into a mocking grin. She funnels her free hand in front of her lips, forming a horn. “Hear ye, Hear ye! The great Sage Parker wants us to know how wonderful and amazing she is. Aren’t we all grateful that she graces us with her presence tonight?”

  I grind my teeth. “Where’s the Trophy room?”

  “Oh relax,” she chuckles. “I was kidding.”

  “I’ll find it myself.”

  Kennedy calls after me. “Up the stairs, down the hall and third door on the right.”

  I excuse myself tersely. My hands are tightly wound into white knuckled fists. I haven’t known Kennedy for long, but I already can’t stand her or the way she talks about Sage.

  Upstairs, I walk the hallway and I’m pleasantly surprised to stumble upon Sage’s old bedroom. It’s exactly as she described. The walls are violet. Above her headboard are silhouettes of black birds in flight. There’s the desk where she said she only did her drawings. On it are pictures of us. Pictures that I didn’t know she even had. They’re mostly all from her trip to Russia when she spent time with my family. The trip before my sister died.

  I stop short of going in. Temptation rocks me on my heels, wanting me to explore the space. I want to look closer at those pictures and see a happier time with Sage and my family. Instead I back out of the room altogether. I’ll wait for her to show me around.

  Down the hall is the Trophy room. Here, my expectations are exceeded. There is an entire wall dedicated to various art awards, and figure skating awards that Sage has accumulated over the years. She even has a few from ballet. I touch one from her third year of elementary school. “Best smile.” I grin at that. Of course, she won. The woman lights up a room. Another award from field day the following year sits next to it. “Fastest time.” My smile widens. She has got quick feet. There is no doubt about that. Ahead of this one is her first figure skating Novice award. She was six at the time.

  “I wanted to compete in that,” Kennedy says from behind me as I examine the trophy. “But Dad wouldn’t let me. Heaven forbid someone take the spotlight off Sage, even back then.”

  I set the trophy down gently. I forgot that my original purpose was to chat with Dean. He obviously isn’t here, so there isn’t a reason for me to linger.

  “Excuse me, but I’m going to wait for Sage downstairs.”

  Kennedy laughs and shakes her head. “Sage isn’t coming. We all know that except my Dad. And you. Obviously.”

  I don’t find any humor in what she just said, so I’m not laughing along. “What do you mean, she isn’t coming?”

  “I mean that she isn’t coming.” She reiterates annoyingly. “She knows that Mom spent all day in the kitchen and Dad has worked himself up about her coming and she won’t show. Why? Because she’s selfish. It’s all about her. She gets some sort of twisted pleasure out of seeing people scramble over her needs. It’s always been that way.”

  I’ve had enough with the way she talks about, Sage. Kennedy acts like she’s the most despicable human being when it couldn’t be any further from the truth.

  “What’s your problem?” I demand. “So, she’s better than you, get over it.”

  “Oh right. You’re still riding the Saint Sage express,” she scoffs. “You must have a thing for the suicidal desperate type.”

  “It’s not like that.”

  She winks running her hand up my arm. “Sure, it isn’t. What’s that saying? Crazy in the head, insane in bed?”

  I knock her hand off my shoulder. “Stop it.”

  “You do know that you don’t have to do this, ‘I’ve always wanted to skate with you act’. She’s been in love with you since she was a kid. You can’t tell me that she hasn’t already dropped her panties for you by now.”

  I turn and try to make my way out. She’s like a viper when it comes to Sage. I can see her turning more venomous by the second.

  “What’s wrong? Did she give you a little taste? And now she’s just too confused to let you touch her again?”

  “That’s not really any of your business.”

  “No but, I am just a little curious if that whole depression show gets you going.”

  I brush away her quick hands as she tries to move them down my waist. “Stop.”

  “Oh, come on.” Her fingers edge along the side of my thigh. “Is that what it takes, to get you hard Yuri? If I cut myself would you be trying to get in my pussy too?”

  “I said knock it off! What the hell is wrong with you?”

  I shove Kennedy with enough force that she gets her hands out of my pants. She stumbles back, nearly tripping over her two feet. If she had fallen, I would have taken some satisfaction out of that. But she stays upright and races back to me, shoving me with all the strength she can muster.

  “What’s so special about her huh?!” she shouts. “I mean really. Why is everyone so far up her ass?”

  “She isn’t a jealous, untalented, slut for one.”

  She smacks me across the face. If there is pain, I’m completely numb to it. That’s how angry I am. I can’t feel anything but what’s raging inside of me.

  “Leave!”

  “Gladly.” I snarl.

  “You guys deserve each other.” She calls out to me. “You’re both fucked up.”

  “The only person fucked up in this
scenario is you. Get over yourself Kennedy. She’s better than you in every way. And the sooner you accept that the happier you will be.”

  I force my way out of the room and bump into Dean.

  “Hey what’s going on he—”

  There’s no reason for me to explain. What would I tell him? That his daughter is a jealous maniac making Sage’s life hell. There’s no secret there. She isn’t exactly hiding how she feels. So, he must know. My question is, why is he letting this go on? Why is he allowing everyone to hurt Sage so much?

  At the top of the stairs a picture of two girls in ballerina outfits takes my attention. One girl is obviously Sage and the other is Kennedy. They can’t be more than seven or eight. Together, side by side, they look happy. They look so close and I just don’t understand. What the hell changed?

  “Did you put your hands on my daughter?” Dean shoves his hand into the back of my shoulder.

  “Yeah it was the only way to get her hands out of my pants.”

  “You son of bitch.”

  He throws me into the wall and the picture frame shatters at our feet.

  I force my open palms into his chest and unlike his daughter he tumbled backwards on to his ass. Then I scoop up the broke frame. The only evidence that Sage ever existed outside of that room. Outside of the trophy room which probably made her feel more alone. More despised by these fucking people.

  I peer into the picture a little harder and when I do, it dawns on me. The skin complexion is obviously different, but the shape of the eyes, the wild curls. You can see the similarities more in their younger years. But as they got older, time and genetics would have played a heavier role.

  “You’re her father?” I look at Dean as Kennedy helps him to his feet. “You’re her fucking father, aren’t you?”

  His gaze jumps to the picture frame. He sees it too. The similarities have been more obvious to him than anyone else.

  “Her mother and I had an affair. It was right around the time Angela and I were separated.”

  “Why haven’t you told her!?”

  “Because,” Kennedy folds her arms across her chest. “It could ruin her competition season. Wouldn’t want that to happen, now would we?”

  “So, you know too. And instead of telling her, you treat her like shit?”

  She shrugs indifferently. “I like mind games, what can I say?”

  “Kennedy!” Dean shouts. “Get out of here. Now!”

  She rolls her eyes and pushes past me. I face Dean in utter disbelief. How can this man claim to love Sage and allow her to suffer the way she has?

  “She’s making Sage’s life a living hell. And that’s okay with you?”

  “No, it’s not! But I don’t have a choice.”

  “You have a choice. Don’t say that you don’t have a goddamn choice. You are losing one daughter for the sake of the other. What sense does that make?!”

  “You don’t understand Yuri. This is best for her.”

  Frustrated, I run my hands through my hair. “I hear this phrase a lot. But nothing that anyone ever does seems fucking best for her. It only seems best for them.”

  “If I had told Sage before, her Aunt would have taken her from me. She would have taken her away from skating. I can’t do that to her. Not when she’s so close to finishing school. This is really what is best for her. You have to believe that.”

  I don’t know what to believe, other than what I’ve seen. And in the past, Dean has shown me that he doesn’t care about Sage the way that he claims. He cares about the number of wins she gains. The way it makes him look. He cares about her pushing his name out there and ranking him highest among the other Olympic coaches. He doesn’t care about her physical or mental health. Because if he did, he’d see how much pain she is really in.

  Pissed off, I beat down the stairs. Dean is close behind me. He stops me on the landing and pleads.

  “You can’t tell her, please. It’ll crush her.”

  “She should know.”

  “I agree but not now. Not like this and not from you. It has to be from me.”

  Fuck. I know that he’s right. It’s not my place to expose this to her. I snatch my jacket out of the closet and put it on in the entryway. Then I turn to him, just as Angela pops up around the corner. Her green eyes read the room well. She wipes off her fake smile and frowns.

  “I swear to God, if you don’t tell her after this season, I will.” I tell him not withholding the threat from my voice.

  I peel out of the driveway and race down the street. I have to get away from that hell house. I need to get away from the insanity of it all. Yet, no matter how fast I drive I can’t stop thinking of the girl that grew up surrounded by people who claimed to love her and never did. Is that why she still tries to please everyone now? Is that little girl still there waiting to feel like she still belongs? She is. I know she is.

  Less than twenty minutes later, I find myself knocking on Sage’s apartment door. When she answers the door, she looks like she’d fallen asleep studying and I had just woken her up. She still has bits of paper and sticky notes stuck to her face and robe.

  “You missed the dinner.” I tell her plucking a sticky note from her cheek.

  “I know…” she sighs. “I just couldn’t… do it. Going back there, is really hard for me.”

  We stand in silence. She gathers the robe tighter around her frame, refusing to look me in the eyes. She can’t bring herself to say why and that’s my fault. Because the first time she tried to tell me I didn’t believe her.

  “I’m sorry, little bird.” I tell her. “You told me you felt alone, and I wanted to believe differently. You said you didn’t feel like you belonged, and I looked the other way. Because I thought, this girl has it all. And really it was an illusion.”

  “I had you. You were real.”

  “And what good was I? When you needed me, I deserted you? I chose to believe them even when I knew it was wrong.”

  “Don’t blame yourself, please don’t.”

  “I’m part of the problem.”

  “No” She shakes her head vigorously. “You’re not the problem. “You’re the only person who doesn’t make me feel like I’m drowning.”

  I reach out and draw her into my embrace. Her head falls to my chest and I stroke the back of her neck gently.

  “When you graduate in the spring, I want us to go.” I breathe her in. “You love them, and it may be hard to see now, but you don’t need them.”

  She squeezes me. I swear that I can feel how fast her heart is pounding. It’s crashing into mine, driving out the world around us. How badly I wish, that I’d come for her sooner. That I’d seen the signs and paid attention. That I had told her she deserved better than we all gave her. I just wish I acknowledged for one moment that what she felt was real.

  Maybe then she’d believe me when I utter these words, “You have me.”

  Chapter 21

  Sage

  It’s all in the music. If I can find the perfect song, then the choreography should come naturally. Seems easy enough but I’ve been listening to just about every song I can get my hands on and nothing fits.

  “Sage!” My name is shouted above the blaring noise of my headphones.

  I jump at the flash of Dean’s palm in front of my face. I pull my headphones off and roll off the studio floor.

  “Jeez Dean, you scared the life out of me!”

  He chuckles. “Sorry about that.”

  “It’s alright.” I reply, clutching my chest.

  He starts flipping through the CDs I have sprawled out in front of me. “How long have you been here?”

  “About an hour. I’m just trying to find a good song for Yuri and I.”

  “And what do you have so far.”

  I nudge my head to the pile on my left. We spent most of last night with Colleen working on the choreography but still have yet to find the right song for Nationals. Even she was puzzled and that’s pretty rare for you to stump Colleen.


  “You know I thought when they introduced lyrical music it would make this part easier.”

  “Mmhmm,” I agreed. “Me too.”

  I start to alphabetize the songs that I have chosen, thinking that if I put them in some sort of order maybe I would come to a decision. While I’m working on getting the CDs together, I can feel Dean watching me. I don’t meet his gaze. I know what he wants to say before he even says it. Last night I was supposed to go to his house for dinner. Instead, I stayed in with Yuri.

  We had not seen one another since the competition. It was nice to be with him again. Just laughing and talking, like we’d done in New York. I don’t remember falling asleep last night. But I remember waking up to the feel of Yuri’s arms around me. I felt his chest rising and falling slowly and that lulled me back to sleep. I left him this morning to head to practice and then later class. That was harder than I expected. I could have spent the rest of eternity in his arms and died happily.

  “We missed you at dinner. What happened?” Dean asks flipping over a Whitney Houston CD.

  “We?” I question. “You sure about that?”

  “What’s that supposed to mean?”

  I get to my feet and move over to the studio’s stereo system. “Nothing. It doesn’t mean anything.”

  “Angela put out a really nice spread for you. If you weren’t coming you could have at least called.”

  He has me there. I could have called. I was having a really good time with Yuri. I lost track of time and that’s my fault. Still, the entire family has treated me like a pariah in the past. Is it any wonder that I don’t want to sit at a table and break bread with them?

  “I honestly didn’t think I would be missed, especially with the way things have been between me and Kennedy. I’m sorry that I didn’t call.”

  “What’s going on with you and Kennedy?”

  Crap. I didn’t mean to say that. Come on Sage. Don’t you know that loose lips sink ships? I go back to fixing the CDs. Where is everyone else? Practice should be starting soon. Am I the only one with a sense of time?

  “Has she said something to you?” Dean asks seriously.

  I bite my lip and wonder how far I should take this. “She’s just really mean to me.”