Black Ice

by Camille Mackenzie

  Her small hands have crept along my waist and are resting on my hips. My heart was racing before, it’s about to force its way out of my chest now. Sage looks at me from beneath her dark crest of lashes. Breathlessly, she takes her mouth out to mine murmuring between us.

  “I—,”

  “Let’s go! Let’s go!” Colleen shouts from the door.

  Color creeps into Sage’s cheeks. She swallows down the rest of those words and takes me by the hand. Together we make our way out to the arena. I give her palm a few pumps and lean into her ear.

  “Time to fly.”

  Sage

  There’s a rush that comes from competing at a such a high level. The nerves are there and for some they can be crippling. But for me they bleed into the excitement. My heart pounds louder but it’s a reminder of why I love figure skating. I’m in my element not even my dark passenger can bother me here.

  Together Yuri and I take the ice. The crowd welcomes us with a thunderous round of applause. I drop his hand to cover the distance, of the ice waving graciously at the different signage that has our names written across it. In the crowd, I know I’ll never see my mother’s face out there, but a piece of me still wishes I could. I touch my hands over my heart and bow my head, seeing her for a moment. Putting her here with me in my heart and mind.

  When I look up again Yuri moves beside me and we both find our starting positions together. A hush falls like a spell over the crowd. Everyone waits. Everyone watches. I can hear the commentary now. Our short program performance will cement us as Pairs skaters. We’ll prove ourselves as competition for the Olympics or fail miserably.

  Yuri

  We won the Short Program and now have a two-point lead over Kennedy and her partner Christopher. Our greatest competitors Germany’s Aliona Savchenko and Bruno Massot, trail us by one point. It’s giving us a little wiggle room in the Free Skate. But not much. Germany’s skaters have just stepped off the ice and their performance was near flawless. The score board has already placed them ahead of us, dropping us down to Silver.

  Our Free Skate is longer and we’re taking a lot of technical risks. So, we must be seamless if we’re going to take the win.

  “They’ve been skating together for six years.” Sage nudges toward the German pair.

  I help her on the ice and dip my head to her ear. “We’ve known each other for ten.”

  She smiles at me. “And we have the same birthday.”

  “So, you see,” I tell her. “We’re meant for each other.”

  Together we circle the rink, giving the crowd a customary wave and acknowledgement. Then we move into position for the second time this evening. Sage is a true athlete, so although I feel her nerves, I can sense her determination. I can sense the fight in her. For our Free skate she and Colleen chose the song. I worked with Colleen to find choreography that matched, and I believe that we can win.

  I take her hand and we find our places. I place my hand around Sage’s waist, and she tilts her head to my shoulder. I’m in competitive mode, but not too far gone to not enjoy her lovely scent. Strawberries and crème. God, I hope she smelled like this forever.

  A mix of Lana Del Rey’s songs Young and Beautiful and Summertime Sadness starts slowly. I pull Sage close. As Colleen put it, our characters are two star-crossed lovers, pulled apart by time. She claims that we shouldn’t have any problem making the crowd believe that. That woman knows us too well.

  Kiss me hard before you go

  Dancing in the dark in the pale moonlight

  Together we cover the ice. Our lines match seamlessly as we skate side-by-side. On time, Sage drops her hand back for our first lift.

  Will you still love me

  When I’m no longer young and beautiful?

  Will you still love me when I got nothing but my aching soul?

  I lift Sage powerfully, in a hand to hand lift. Her confidence in me, holds her firm in my grasp as I spin us around. The crowd applauds when she dismounts gracefully. We’ve got less than four seconds to find our footing to complete our side-by-side triple loop. The feeling of her beside me always makes me realize that I’ve been walking around with a hole in my heart. It’s only filled when we’re together both on the ice and off.

  Will you still love me

  When I got nothing but my aching soul?

  I know you will, I know you will, I know that you will.

  Our side-by-side triple loop wins the crowd further. We stay in character taking one another close, like being apart is the hardest thing we could face. Sage covers her face and pushes away. I catch her back for our most powerful throw. The sound of her skate hitting the ice as she controls her part of the throw triple Salchow sends the crowd wild. Before long we’re nearing our finish. It starts with a solid side-by-side triple Salchow. Then she’s in the air once more performing a beautiful star lift. She dismounts into my arms and we finish with an elegant and smooth death spiral.

  Nothing scares me anymore

  Kiss me hard before you go.

  I know you will, I know you will.

  Back in the center of the rink, the music stops. The entire arena is drumming loudly. Sage is overcome with emotion. She fights so hard to be here more than what any of the judges will know. More than anyone else will see. But I know and I feel this moment with her as she wraps her arms around me.

  “I love you.” She cries above the thunderous applauds.

  I lift her chin and confirm what the news outlets had been reporting on for weeks. We kiss deeply although it’s brief. I didn’t think the crowd could get any louder. I was wrong. The sound is deafening.

  Sage smiles against my lips. “Couldn’t wait until we got off the ice?”

  “No,” I shrug. “Could not.”

  Sage

  I may have been gliding out there but I’m flying to the Kiss and Cry area. Yuri squeezes my shoulders as Dean and Colleen sit at our sides. I’m a nervous wreck because it feels like we were amazing, but you never know what the judges saw. You never know how they scored. I bury my head in Yuri’s shoulder for a moment, so I can catch my breath. He turns his head and kisses the top of mine.

  Our names are called from the speaker above. It’s time for our scores to post. I find the monitor. Colleen takes my hand in the short seconds before. The scores post the exact moment they’re being read, and I can’t catch my breath. I find Yuri. He’s rising to his feet at the same time I am. I leap right into air. His arms fold around me. Around us the crowd soars. We won.

  Chapter 19

  Sage

  “Are you sleeping with him?” Auntie Carrie asks when I climb into the backseat of the cab.

  I’m only slightly caught off guard by her question. I knew she’d want to know since our disappearing act on Friday night and the kiss after our performance. I thought she would let it go. We won. Her cellphone has been blowing up all morning. And Aspen’s absence is bothering her. She’s been more worried about her then I initially thought she would be.

  “No.” I reply pulling out my textbook to give my hands something to do on our way to the airport.

  “What was that kiss all about then?”

  “Colleen said to add it in there.” I lie. If he hadn’t kissed me first, I would have kissed him. For dramatic effect.”

  She scoffs and glances out the window. A tense silence fills the space between us. I flip through pages I’ve already read. We’re only a half hour away from the airport. I can make it there without her driving me insane.

  “I heard he may be on something again.”

  “Who told you that?” I snip.

  She shrugs her bony shoulders. “Just what I heard.”

  “Well they’re lying. He’s done with prescription pills.”

  “How do you know?”

  “He says that he is and I trust him.”

  She is like a bloodhound. Nose to the ground trying to sniff out Yuri’s weaknesses. She knows that he has to pass a drug test to compete. So, what’s this really about?


  “You trust him. That’s cute. He must love that, after your little stunt last year.”

  Me. This is about me. Everything is about me. If I’m not careful, he’ll be caught in the cross fire before things as are all said and done. I can’t let that happen to Yuri. I’ve caused him enough pain.

  “Could you imagine, if you had really tried to kill yourself and that was the reaction he had. What did he say to you again? “You make me sick. How could someone do that to themselves?”

  She’s misquoting him. But only slightly. I balance my textbook in my lap and face her head on.

  “He’d just lost his sister a few months before. Which was horrible and then to find me like that…it hurt him.” I mutter solemnly.

  I hate that day. I hate that I called him, and he found me the way he did.

  “Oh please, you’ll believe anything he says.” She sighs. “You didn’t try to kill your self.”

  I push myself up and reply adamantly, “Yes, I did.”

  “Oh, Heavenly Father. Not this again.”

  “What is that supposed to mean? Auntie, I’m telling you that I tried to kill myself last year. And it wasn’t the first time.”

  “I’m not in the mood, Sage.” She warns.

  “Auntie…I need help. My depression it feels like I’m being swallowed whole sometimes. I get so lost in it…”

  “Well hell Sage what do you want from me?!” She shouts. “I give you everything you could ever need. And it’s not enough. You need attention that bad—,”

  “I don’t need attention.” I holler back.“ Stop saying that! This isn’t about fucking attention.”

  I need to breathe. That’s exactly what I do while she looks at me like I’ve morphed into a three headed dog.

  “This is about me Auntie.” My voice shakes but I’m calmer now. “I get so down sometimes that I can barely move. I go days without eating and I hate being this way. I hate feeling like I can’t go on.”

  “You just described every person in America. So, what you get down. Or you get stressed. Who doesn’t?”

  “It’s not the same. I feel worthless. I feel unlovable. I feel like I’m not good enough and Yuri—,”

  “Ah!” She claps her hand triumphantly. “That’s what this this is really about. You and him. He tells you, you need help and you believe him!”

  “This has nothing to do with him.”

  “It has everything to do with him. You do whatever he says. You’re whatever he wants you to be. You’re an idiot.”

  “I’m an idiot because I’ve put up with you so long.”

  “What did you say?”

  “You heard me.” I sneer.

  “Let me tell you what your despicable cousin and your precious Yuri have in common. They’re users. They’ll use you up until you ain’t got nothing left and just like that…” she snaps her fingers in my face. “They’ll leave you. You may not like me, but I’m all you have. And all you’ll ever have. No man wants to put up with this mental circus act you’re playing. I don’t care what he says.”

  “Why did you bring him here, if you hate him so much?”

  “Because above all else you need to win. So, keep your damn legs closed and compete. Act like an athlete for once.”

  I slam my book closed. And toss it back into my bag. I can’t look her without wanting to throw the bag right at her head.

  “Yuri is nothing like you say he is.”

  Auntie chuckles. “You’re going to give him back his fame and once he doesn’t need you anymore, he’ll drop you. She rears her dark fiery eyes on me. “Your father was the same way. He used Elizabeth and then dropped her on her ass when she got sick. Like you, she didn’t want to believe me, but in the end I was right.”

  “Yuri wants me to get better. He wants to help me.”

  “You better hope there ain’t nothing wrong with you. Because that’s when you’ll find out how he really feel about you.”

  I fall back into the seat to stare at the pages of my textbook again. The doubts are already forming in my mind. There really isn’t any thing wrong with me, that other people don’t deal with. It’s just me. I handle it poorly. I do this for attention. And soon it’ll be too much. My aunt is speaking to my greatest fear. That one day, Yuri’s love for me won’t be enough for him to look past the scars. And if I really do have a mental illness, he won’t be able to see beyond it. Like before, I’ll exhaust him, and he’ll turn away from me. He’ll leave.

  Yuri

  With Aspen not using the return flight back to Detroit, I gear up to take the empty seat beside Sage. She’s been distant since we left the hotel. I’ve been wondering what hell, she’s been taking for that kiss. I should have shown restraint. But I was happy and proud of her and it felt like the right thing to do. It still feels that way.

  “Here, let me.” I offer her.

  She steps to my side and I push the small luggage above us. When I have it tucked in securely, I turn and smile down at her.

  “Thanks,” She says with a smile that doesn’t touch her eyes.

  “You’re welcome—hey,” I take her hand and drop my chin to her ear. “Are you okay?”

  “I’m fine.”

  But she isn’t. I’ve heard her utter those words too many times before. I can see through that paper-thin grin. She’s crying on the inside. This weekend was good for Sage. We won gold. I saw that smile, I saw her eyes light up like fireworks in the sky. She was confident and she was happy. But just when she starts to put the pieces back together, they come along and break her apart again. It never ends. They have her trapped.

  Sage takes the window seat, clutching her textbook to her chest. As the other passengers file in around us, I find myself watching her intently. Her aunt is speaking to her as she stuffs her own carryon in the cargo space. Sage continues to stare out the window. I can see her crumbling, I can see her going further into herself. And I feel helpless. Like a bystander watching a train speeding along an unfinished track. There is nothing but chaos at the end and it’s devastating to watch. That is the hard part; watching them trigger her. I can’t take it.

  I stand up and before her Aunt can secure her bag, I’m sliding into the empty seat beside Sage. Everyone stops to look as I make myself comfortable. Sage turns to me with her wide hazel eyes and I give her a quick wink.

  “Boy, what do you think you’re doing?” Her aunt questions me.

  “Seat is empty.” I reply stoically. “Aspen isn’t here to use it. So, I’ll take it.”

  The mention of her daughter’s name makes her visibly uncomfortable. She’s not even able to stare me down properly. Instead she clicks her tongue and looks around the cabin. Everyone is taking their seats now. She doesn’t have a choice but to take the one she was assigned, directly behind us.

  To my left, Sage is back to staring out the window. The sky may be bright and streaking with beautiful colors as the sun rises, but she doesn’t see any of it. She’s in the dark now. I can’t pull her out of it. I can’t bring her to the light. Only she can do that. But I can be patient. I can crawl into the hole beside her and wait. Not matter how long it takes. I’ll be here, waiting for her to find the strength to find her own way out.

  I turn my palm upward in the small space between us. She doesn’t ever look back, so I’m not sure how she knows to do it but she drops her palm into mine We lace our fingers together. With a quick squeeze, I remind her that I’m here and I always will be.

  Chapter 20

  Yuri

  I walk the stone path to the front door of the old-fashioned Colonial revival home. It sits in one of the historic areas of Detroit. I’ve been here only once before. After Sage’s mother died, I went here first to see her. I later found her at the ice arena. When Sage turned sixteen, she started calling me at least twice a week from inside this home. It’s where she spent most of the training season and where she came to be permanently after her mother’s death. So, though I haven’t been here many times, it feels familiar. It
feels strange as well. For the first time, I’ll be with her in the home she grew up in.

  I’ve been looking forward to tonight. It’s been a whirlwind since the competition. Sage had two exams to prepare for. So, I gave her the space she needed to focus on them. It’s been a long week but well worth it to see her tonight. My heart is racing at the mere thought of being in her presence again. To hear her voice would be enough to send me over the edge. But to see her face, I may kiss her in front of them all. Damn the consequences. I’ll pay them tenfold for those lips to touch mine.

  “Welcome!” A tall greying blonde woman greets me at the door.

  I recognize her from the funeral. She’s Dean’s wife, Angela. Despite the way she grins up at me, she looks more stressed than she did the first time we met. Sage did mention that things were rough with Dean’s family and it shows.

  Smiling politely, I greet her with a handshake and offer the bottle of wine, I brought with me. “Thank you. This is for you.”

  “Ohh, this is a Pinot Noir from the Russian River Valley, isn’t it?”

  “Yes,” I nod. “It should pair nicely with just about anything.”

  “I’m sure we can find something. Thank you. Come in. Everyone is in the living room.”

  I shuffle inside and slip out of my jacket. “Sage is here?”

  “Umm no. But I’m sure she’ll be here any moment.”

  There is apprehension in her voice as she takes my jacket. I peer down at her and wonder what it is about Sage that threatens her so much. Sage’s aunt wants me to believe that Dean has an unnatural obsession with her and that’s why she’s endured so much ridicule lately. But the woman I remember from the funeral adored Sage. What could have happened within the last year to make her hate her so much?

  “Hi Yuri,” Kennedy says leaning against the arch of the doorway.

  We haven’t seen one another since the competition last weekend either. She and Chris came in fourth place at Skate America. A lesser man would use this opportunity to point out how wrong she was, but I hold my tongue. I’m a guest after all.