Black Ice

by Camille Mackenzie

  “Sage,” he’d said as I was stomping off the elevator. “We are never mad at one another on our birthday. That’s the rule.”

  I huffed and folded my arms across my chest. Five years of friendship and never once were we allowed to be upset with one another on the day we shared.

  “I’m not mad at you.” I lie.

  I heard the smile in his voice. “Then you’ll let me give you your birthday present now.”

  He held the elevator open. I was right. When I turned around, he had a boyish grin on his face. His hair was a lot shorter than he used to wear it. I wondered if he had gone short for competition. It made him look clean cut. Like a good boy at twenty-two years old.

  I’d gotten back on the elevator, trying to steady my drumming heart. Yuri was three floors up. I followed him back to his room quietly. He didn’t have a chaperone. He technically didn’t need one. Which meant there was no one waiting in his room. The realization had dawned on us both as we approached. We’d never been alone anywhere before like this. But this was Yuri. I was Sage. We trusted each other.

  “You can stay right here, I’ll just go get it.” He declared when he unlocked the door.

  “No, it’s fine. I can come in. If-if you want me to.”

  “I want you to do what makes you feel comfortable.”

  He looked down the hall to make sure we were alone. I’d heard more than the stories about the Olympic Village. I’d heard the stories about him. That he was a bit of a rogue. They’d never seemed true. I’d only known of one girlfriend that he’d ever had since we met. I pushed the door open and walked into the cool dark room silently. I’ve always felt comfortable with him. There was no question about it. Even as I heard the door slam and I took a seat on the edge of the bed, I was comfortable. When I watched him pluck a long, black box from the bedside drawer I was just a little nervous, but comfortable.

  “Beautiful little bird,” he’d whispered brushing the hair from my neck. “I thought that you needed a reminder of how far you’ve come.”

  He clasped the necklace together and I touched the glass pendant. Yuri took my hand and led me to the mirror. Inside the glass pendant was a black bird.

  “Turn it around.”

  I flipped it and the lyrics from the song were there. Yuri edged closer to me and took the pendant between his fingers. Then he read the words aloud.

  “Blackbird singing in the dead of night…take these broken wings and learn to fly.” He pressed his lips to my forehead. “Happy Birthday, little bird.”

  I blushed and panicked suddenly. My gift seemed childish in comparison. I was no grand artist, but I did have a knack for pastels and realism. I’d drawn a picture of us, the blackbird and the Viola Incisa.

  “Seems silly now,” I pulled away and took my clutch. “But I drew you something.” I had unfolded the thick drawing paper and handed it to him.

  He studied the image for a long time. Too long. It was just a stupid picture. Yes it had taken a few days to get the colors just right. But it was a silly gift to give a grown man. I was sure that he thought so.

  “It’s not perfect. I-I probably could’ve spent more time on the eyes and the wings bit.”

  “It’s us?” he questioned.

  “Yeah, in a way. Like before. When we first met.”

  Now I was uncomfortable. My hand shook as I reached for the drawing. I made myself promise to look for a better gift when we got stateside.

  “It’s no big deal really. I’ll get you a real gift later.”

  “It’s beautiful, Sage.”

  “It’s just a picture.”

  Yuri shook his head. “It’s more than that. Like us. We’re more than we seem.”

  So much was changing between us. But we hadn’t actually spoken the words. It was like we were both afraid to admit that we wanted more.

  My heart stumbled in my chest. “Yuri?” I murmured. “Are we always going to be friends?”

  He smiled. “I’m always going to be here for you. And I’ll be whatever you want.”

  Yuri looked at the picture once more. Then he placed it down and took out his phone.

  “I heard a song a few nights ago. It made me think of you. Do you want to hear it?”

  He’d already pulled it up on his phone. But when I didn’t reply he inclined his dark head to me.

  “Do you?”

  I felt the color storm into my cheeks. “Yes.”

  “On one condition.” He said placing my clutch on the table. “You dance with me.”

  He took my hand and my legs went weak. I had never danced with any boy before. I wasn’t sure that I could even do it. But this was Yuri. He looped my arms around his neck and he slipped an arm around my narrow waist. His stark blue gaze had easily taken hold of mine. And he made me feel like anything was possible.

  “What song is this?” I’d gingerly asked as our bodies swayed together.

  He smiled. “It is called Hallelujah. This is a cover by John Cale. I like his version best.”

  “I’ve never heard it before.”

  “Do you like it?”

  I nodded and then I placed my head to his chest. “Yes.”

  With my ear so close, I heard his heart as it pounded beneath his ribcage. The sound soothed me and tossed me into chaos all at once.

  I remember when I moved in you

  and the holy dove was moving too

  And every breath we drew

  was Hallelujah

  “Sage?”

  I peeled myself from his chest and had taken note of the longing in his eyes. His hand brushed over my head and settled on the back of my neck. His other caressed my cheek. He stretched his thumb across my lips. I touched my palm to his hard abdomen and felt my stomach clench tight. Our mouths met in the quiet air.

  At first, he kissed my lips softly. He was testing the waters. I’d never been kissed before and somehow, he had known. Soon, the feel of it all became natural. I stole a more passionate kiss and he smiled against my lips. I smiled too. This was new territory for us. When he pulled away an electric jolt shot through my body. I remember that there was a sense of excitement mixed with the fear of the unknown as Yuri led me to the bed.

  I shyly crawled in as the song replayed around us. I waited, staring up at the ceiling. Thinking this was it. The moment we’d cross that line. He would have seen my scars. He would have asked questions. I was wrong on all accounts. He got in beside me and drew me close to him. Although I could feel the effect I had on his body, we only held each other until it was time for me to leave. As much as I wanted him physically. Mentally I wasn’t ready, and he knew. Yuri always knew.

  ##

  I glance toward his room. He is gone. Gnawing at my lip, I walk down to his door and touch the wood. He’s there on the other side. I swear that I can feel his presence. All I have to do is come to him because he’s already said it. He’s already shown me that he loves me. So, what’s the problem? What’s holding me back? You don’t think you deserve him.

  I don’t. I don’t deserve his time, his effort or his love. He would be much better off without me in his life. Yuri will have to give more than I can give and it’s not fair to him. I’m sinking and there aren’t any enough life jackets in the world. So, I won’t do it. I won’t let him go down with this ship.

  Yuri

  I collapse backwards onto the bed, covering my face with my hands. This is getting harder. I’m trying to be patient. I’m loving her from a distance and letting her come to me. But I can’t pretend like it’s not killing me. There’s a real fear building in the back of mind; Sage may never be able to love me the way that I love her. Then what? The only thing greater than the doubt, is the hope lingering in my heart. She just needs more time and for a love like this, I’ll give her all the time she needs.

  My head starts to spin. Being with her tonight like we were, was nothing short of magical. I want this all the time. I want to see her smile and see her happy.

  A slight sound draws my attention
to the door. Something tells me that she’s there. Right outside my hotel room. I leap back out of bed and go to the door. Quietly, I peer out the peep hole and I see her standing there. Her head is down, and she seems to have her hand pressed to the door. She wants to come in. She wants to be with me too. I just need her to say it. I touch my palm to the door, feeling like I’m somehow telling her that I’m here. I’m here and I want her—no I need her. But after several heartbeats drum by, I feel her presence fade away. Down the hall a door clicks closed, and I know she’s gone.

  Chapter 18

  Sage

  I step into the room; a hand covers my mouth. My heart beats out of my chest. My thoughts roll around into a panic. I reach for my attacker and make the mental decision to fight back with everything, I’ve got. That’s when I recognize the fresh wave a perfume.

  “Shhh,” Aspen whispers.

  She quickly illuminates her face with the light from her cellphone. I take deep gulps of air and try to steady my heart.

  “Jesus, Aspen. What’s wrong with you?”

  “Hush,” she says harshly, dragging me through our adjoining room.

  I listen as she eases the door closed quietly. The light flicks on next to the bed. I barely have time to register that when a pair of pajamas land in my hand.

  “What are you doing?”

  “Saving your butt. Put those on. Hurry up.”

  I start changing into my clothes as Aspen takes out her suitcase. I don’t think anything of it until I start seeing her pile clothes into it.

  “Where are you going?”

  She stops and sits on the mattress. When I pull my shirt over my head she’s watching me intently.

  “I’m not going back to Texas, Sage.”

  “I know. Auntie Carrie said that you’re all going to stay in Detroit until I qualify for the Olympics.”

  “I’m not going to Detroit either.”

  I look around the room and put the pieces together. She’s dressed in her street clothes. Her hair is done. She’s got her guitar against the wall and next to it is a duffle bag.

  “I can’t live with my Mom anymore. I can’t be second best to you anymore.” She drops a t-shirt she was folding into her suitcase. “And it’s not your fault. I’m not blaming you, but girl…there’s got to be something better for me out there.”

  I clear the emotion out of my throat. “Where are you going to go?”

  “I’m staying here in New York. Tonight, the producer for the late-night show offered me a gig at his friend’s jazz bar. I’ve got a few auditions lined up and well…who knows. You probably think I’m crazy.”

  I give her a small smile. She is following her dream and making things happen for herself. Most importantly she is getting away from her mother. That’s not crazy. It’s smart as hell.

  “I think you’re a brave girl, Aspen.”

  “Really?!” She jumps up and sits beside me. Her dark brown eyes are shimmering, and she sucks in her full red bottom lip.

  “Yeah. I’ve always thought so.”

  She throws her arms around me. “Thank you for coming here tonight even though you didn’t do the interview.”

  “I’m sorry about that by the way.”

  “You don’t have to explain. Everything worked out in the end.”

  I squeeze her and tears fill my eyes. “I wish you the best. If there is anything that I can do for you, say the word.”

  “Just don’t give me a reason to worry about you.” She points to my arms that are on full display in this t-shirt. “Take care of yourself.”

  We’d never spoken about it before. It was never allowed. But she knew, she knew better than anyone because she’d caught me a few times in the early days.

  “I’m going to see a doctor, when I get back.”

  “That’s good.” She smiles. “I’m proud of you.”

  “Thanks.”

  Aspen stands up and drops a few more things into suitcase and I climb back into bed.

  “You nervous about the competition?” She asks.

  “A little.”

  “You’ll be fine.” She shrugs. “Your chemistry and talent are off the charts.”

  “Thanks. We’ve been working really hard.”

  “Being in love with him probably helps too.”

  I blush. “It’s complicated.”

  “Love always is.”

  She drags her suitcase to the door and touches her finger to the light switch.

  “Mom passed out right after she got back from the studio. She’s been knocked out ever since. For all she knows you got in right after she did.”

  “I’m surprised she wasn’t waiting up for me when I got in.”

  “She’s got a cold and well…” she digs into her purse and shakes a bottle of sleeping pills.

  “Aspen you didn’t?!”

  “Relax. I gave her the correct dosage...I think.”

  We laugh together as Auntie Carries snores fill the room.

  “I’ll miss you Aspen.”

  “I’ll miss you too. I better see you win gold in a few months.” She tears up, wiping the tears from her cheeks.

  Seeing her sends me into my own emotional downward spiral.

  “And I want to see your name in lights somewhere soon.”

  “You will girl.”

  She rushes over to me suddenly. We’re right back in each other’s arms. I wish we were given the chance to be closer before. Maybe we can get that now.

  “I’m sorry,” whispers. “I’m sorry for letting my mom put us against each other. I’m sorry for ever making you feel like you owed me too. I shouldn’t have done that.”

  “It’s okay. Don’t think about it anymore.”

  “When I get settled, bring your ass down here and see me.”

  “I’ll be on the first flight.”

  She rises to her feet and looks back at the door where her mother is sleeping. I can’t imagine the thoughts going through her head.

  “Don’t tell her where I’m going. Promise?”

  “Promise,” I swear.

  I’ve only ever had to deal with her mother in doses. Short unpredictable dosages. But for Aspen, life with Auntie Carrie was chronic. She never got a break. I’m not going to hold her back. She needs to be away from all of us right now. I know that’s what is best for her in the end.

  After we say our goodbyes Aspen sneaks out. I pull the blanket over me and think of all the wonderful things she is going to accomplish now that she is gone. I say a prayer that she succeeds and that all her dreams come true. Most importantly I pray she never has to ask her mother for a single thing. One of us is going to survive the storm. I’m glad that it’s her.

  Yuri

  “The routine is brilliant.” Dean reminds us before we head to the ice to warm up with the other skaters. This is our pre-skate speech. Once we get out there, there won’t be much time for words of encouragement. It will be showtime and we’re expected to perform. When I competed before, it was just me I risked the chance of disappointing if things went wrong. But competing with Sage, is making me see things from her standpoint as well. We fail and succeed together. We go out there and there isn’t an “I” or “You”, it’s us. Only us.

  “The choreography, the lifts…everything. It’s perfect.” Colleen smiles down and winks at us adding in, “We’ve made it this far. The rest is up to you. And remember you aren’t alone out there. Rely on each other.”

  I glance at Sage. She is looking back at me. We haven’t spoken much since our little escape Friday night. Although we practiced for a few hours together yesterday, we barely uttered more than a couple words to one another. She is keeping her distance. I wonder how much trouble she got in to because of me. With Aspen gone, is she dealing with the blunt of her Aunt’s anger?

  I overheard Sage telling Colleen that when she woke this morning, Aspen was gone. While her mother slept, Aspen packed up all her things and left. She didn’t leave a note or tell anyone where she was going. And from what I
understand, she didn’t say goodbye. Sage isn’t telling the entire truth, but I know there is a reason for that. And it has everything a lot to do with her aunt.

  “Trust each other.” Colleen adds, drawing me out of my thoughts. “We’ll give you both a few minutes to talk and then meet you rink side.”

  Dean reluctantly follows Colleen out of the locker room. We rise from the bench together.

  “I can’t believe we’re doing this.” Sage says, smoothing out her skirt.

  For the hundredth time tonight, I drink up her powerful and feminine form. Vera Wang designed the shimmering dress that she has poured herself into. It’s an intricately, beaded, red bodice and skirt. A skin-toned mesh tastefully exposes Sage’s sides and just across one side of her abdomen. Her arms are covered in the vibrant red with beaded crystals that cuff at her wrists.

  The material plays beautifully against her toffee colored skin. Her hair is pulled up and away from her face. She never straightens her hair for competitions. Instead she piles the lush curls into a neat bun. She is gorgeous, no matter what. But like this, dressed like the Ice Goddess I know she is, Sage takes my breath away.

  “Aren’t you nervous?” She lifts her neatly arched eyebrow at me.

  I stand before her. My palms run down her arms to take her hands in mine.

  “Not about this. Not with you, little bird. It feels natural.”

  Sage let’s out small chuckle. “That’s the part freaking me out. This all feels easy. Too easy.”

  “I think you deserve a little easy.” I brush away invisible strands of hair at the sides of her face. My excuse to touch that soft skin along her cheeks.

  She purrs. “Yes. Easy is nice.”

  Sage is leaning into me and I don’t think she realizes it. A smile lifts the corners of my lips. There is a strong magnetic force drawing us together. Neither of us will ever be able to deny it. We won’t be able to control it either.

  “We can do this. You can do this.” I tell her softly.

  “Yuri…I wouldn’t want to be here…with anyone else.”

  “Little bird,” I whisper. “I wouldn’t let you. You’re mine.”