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Black Ice

Page 20

by Camille Mackenzie

“If you take her to the hospital, she’ll hate you. This was an accident and nothing more. Your self-righteous attitude isn’t going to save her. It’s going to ruin everything she has worked for.”

  He tries to take Sage out of my arms, and I thrust him back.

  “Don’t touch her!”

  “Alright!” He throws his hands up. “But look at her, Yuri! She already looks better. I’m telling you she’s fine.”

  Looking at her is the hardest part. She’s so still. What could have been so bad in her life that she would do this? Could Dean be right, was this all just a tragic accident?

  “Let’s get her in bed. Let her sleep this off. And I’ll see to it—”

  “No. I’ll stay. If anything happens, I want to be here.”

  “Fine.” He agreed reluctantly.

  Together we placed Sage back in bed. She was already looking better. I hated to admit that. Dean stayed for an hour more. Kennedy came to help her to the bathroom and clean her up. She slept beside Sage for most of the night. I sat in the corner of the room brooding. In the morning Kennedy had to report to practice. So, I took her spot beside Sage. I didn’t sleep. I couldn’t settle my mind enough for that kind of peace. Peace. I didn’t think I’d ever have it again.

  The sun began its colorful show in the sky around half past seven. I stood in the window watching in awe, feeling for the first time that the worst of everything was over. Sage was okay. She was alive. That’s when she woke up.

  “Yuri?” her hoarse voice cracked. “What are you doing here?”

  All night I’d prepared for what I was going to say to her. I thought I’d be more understanding. But as I looked at the confusion in her eyes, I realized that she couldn’t even remember the hell she had put me through. How the worst night of my life was the last sixteen hours; I grew angry. I became resentful.

  “What do you remember?” I asked her tersely.

  She bit her lip and rubbed the bump on her forehead. Her dark eyes scanned the room as she spoke.

  “I did some homework. I saw you and you gave me…some…”

  “I gave you pain medication for a knee injury that doesn’t actually exist.”

  “Yuri, I can explain—”

  “You used that pain medication and you drank alcohol and you took sleeping pills. You tried to kill yourself!” I accuse her.

  Sage jumps at the way my voice booms across the room. She draws her knees to her chest and hugs them to her body. And my heart just keeps breaking but the sound is just fuel to the fire.

  “It was an accident.”

  “Bullshit! And you know it. Do you realize what kind of trouble I could have gotten in if you were successful? The shit I would have gone through to make the world believe that I didn’t kill their precious fucking sweetheart.”

  “I-I didn’t think…I wasn’t trying to hurt you.”

  “But you did!!”

  “Please. Stop yelling at me!”

  “Oh? Is my yelling screwing with your fucking hangover? I knock lamp to the ground. And the light bulb blinks out. Sage screams at the sound.

  “You are like little child still.” I hit my fist into the wall. “You haven’t grown up. Look at what you do to yourself. And why? Because you need the attention?! You need to have me come save you. No more!”

  The tears are falling just as fast as I hurl the words at her. This is killing me but I can’t stop. The fear of losing her out ways anything else right now.

  “I love you!” I scream those three words in the worst way. I say them like they’re poison and they are. Like venom that’s been injected into my blood stream damaging every vital organ and including the one that has beat for her all these years.

  “I love you…and you were going to just fucking leave me here without you. Alone. For the rest of my life? You were going to leave me like that?”

  She grips her hair in her hands and starts trembling as she wails into her knees. And her pain brings some demented form a satisfaction. Because I want her to hurt. I want her to know that we both nearly died last night.

  It took some time, but I was finally able to compose myself. I inhaled a deep breath and looked at the devastation I caused around the room. Then, I took a deep breath.

  “Sage, I can’t do this. I can’t love someone who would deliberately hurt themselves. I can’t watch. I can’t stand to be around it.”

  “No, no, no.” She pleads, rising up out of bed. She rushed over to me and threw her arms around my neck.

  I hesitated to pull her off. In my head I could only see one other person. My sister Galina. The car accident tossed her from the vehicle. The glass tore her to shreds. So how could Sage have done this.

  “It makes me sick.” I peeled her arms away. “I can’t even look at you.

  “Don’t leave me, please. I can stop it. I will stop.”

  I force my feet to the door. “Goodbye, little bird.”

  “Yuri, please don’t…I need help.” She latches on to that phrase as I pull the door open. “I need help. I need help.”

  I am leaving a piece of me in this room. My entire body knows it and that’s why I look back at her. And all I see are those eyes. Big. Red and Round eyes pouring tears down her face and then I close the door behind me.

  ##

  Sage

  The silver blade on the sink is my usual problem solver. But really, what problem has cutting myself ever solved? It takes my mind off the emotional pain and I feel better for a little while, but it always comes back. Cutting is only a temporary solution. I need something long-lasting. I need a permeant answer.

  I look back down at the paper in my trembling hands. If I keep crying it’ll be unreadable. Then what good will it do? Who will it help them? No, I need to keep this legible and I need to put it somewhere safe. I want it to be the first thing seen when this is all over.

  Pounding at my front door draws my attention. I fold the paper up into a tiny square and tuck it in my pocket. I know it’s Yuri even before I pull the door open and find him standing there. It doesn’t make this any easier.

  “Sage—,” he starts, trying to make his way inside. I hold him off at the door.

  “No, Yuri wait.”

  “Can we talk?”

  “I don’t want to talk anymore.”

  “Sage please, you have to let me explain.”

  “You don’t have to. I know why you didn’t tell me about Dean. I get it.”

  “Then why won’t you let me—”

  “Yuri, I need help.”

  “I know, little bird.” He cups my face in his hands. “We can find a place. A good place for you. I’ll help you pack, and we can go in the morning.”

  I shake my head and my tears slip down his fingers. “No, I need to do this alone.”

  “Why? I’m here. We can do it together.”

  “Yuri…every decision in my life has been made by someone else. For someone else. I need to do this for me. Alone.”

  “And what? You want me to leave you here, where you could possibly hurt yourself? You’re in no condition to be by yourself right now.”

  “I’m not going to hurt myself. Okay? I swear. But I just need some space tonight. I need to be alone.”

  “No.” He replies firmly. “I’m not leaving you like this.”

  He isn’t going to let me do this on my own without proof of how serious I am. So I have to show him.

  “I wasn’t sure where to start, but I know that I don’t completely trust myself anymore.”

  I reach into my back pocket and unfold the pamphlet for a hospital I found a few cities over. Then I hold it up to him. He reluctantly releases my cheeks and studies the paper.

  “I’m tired of feeling overwhelmed and scared. So Tmorrow morning,” I tell him taking a deep soul-searching breath “That’s where I’ll be and if you love me like you say you’ll let me do this.”

  His blue gaze looks so unsure, but I hold firm. I have to do this without him; he knows it. As much as I love him, he can’t be
the reason I get better. If I do this, I do this for me. Yuri takes a step back and stuffs his shaking hands into his leather jacket.

  “What time?”

  “I’ll get there around seven.”

  “Okay.” He huffs out of frustration. “Fuck. Okay.”

  “Thank you.” I reply quietly.

  He looks down at me firmly. His gaze rolls across my face. He’s trying to commit this to memory. Me standing in front of him and alive. In his mind he must think this might be the last time he will see me this way and still he’s going to let me do this on my own.

  “Please…” his voice burns out quickly.

  I hold my head up in anticipation of his next words. I don’t want him to make this any harder than it already is. If he says those words; he will.

  Yuri

  Please don’t leave me. Don’t let me come back here and find your lifeless body. Please stay here with me and let’s do this together. Please don’t hurt yourself anymore. My heart can’t take it.

  This was never about me. I came here to help her and that’s what she says she’s going to do. So, although those words dangle from the tip of my tongue, I swallow them back down.

  “…take care of yourself, Sage. Please.”

  She nods and backs into her apartment. I battle the urges pulsing through me. The ones that plead with me to not leave her alone. I quiet them as the door locks closed. Ultimately you can’t save someone who doesn’t want to be saved. You can love them; you can’t save them. This is her choice and I have to believe in her. I have to trust her. So, I’m letting her go.

  There is this unmeasurable sense of loss when I settle back into my car. Her future and ours together has never felt so uncertain to me. I’m exhausted but doubt I’ll sleep well tonight. My world is broken. All there is left to do now, is drive. Drive and Pray.

  Chapter 24

  Sage

  The sun’s out. Which seems odd on such a cold December day. But there it is. Beaming down on me and warming my body from the outside. I adjust my scarf as I examine the building ahead of me. There are windows. I didn’t expect there to be windows. It is a psychiatric facility after all. Not a prison. My anxiety rushes through me as I roll my suitcase across the parking lot. I make it to the entrance and the sliding doors pull apart with ease. That surprises me too. Entering is probably a lot easier than leaving.

  It smells like peppermint here. I welcome that surprise as I notice flashes of Christmas decorations hanging about the lobby. The wheel of my suitcase gets stuck on the carpet suddenly. I come to a sudden stop. That momentary pause is just enough for me to start to psych myself out. I’m standing in a psychiatric hospital, about to willingly commit myself. Why does it all feel insane?

  “Miss?” A middle-aged black woman approaches me with a huge grin. “Welcome to Lakeshore Hospital. My name is Monique Simmons. I’m one of the admission coordinators.”

  I clasp my hand over hers and shyly introduce myself. “Sage Parker.”

  “Sage? Of course, we were expecting you.”

  “You were?”

  Monique grins and jerks her head to the side. “That man sleeping on the floor over there, he belongs to you?”

  As soon as I glance over, my heart starts tripping over itself. Yuri is using his black jacket as a pillow as he sleeps at the base of a wire magazine rack.

  “Uh y-yes. He’s mine.”

  She nods her head knowingly. “I told him that we wouldn’t be able to accommodate him comfortably overnight. However, he insisted that he be here when you arrive.”

  My heart clenches.

  “Thank you for letting him stay.”

  “It wasn’t a problem. But I think you should talk to him before you and I proceed.”

  I nod, nervously twisting my finger around my wrist. I feel somber, saying goodbye to him like this. My head is telling me that it’s better to do this, this way. We can make this a clean break and he won’t have to feel guilty because I’ll be here. I will be getting the help that I need. And he can move on.

  At his side, I lean over him. He looks so peaceful that I pause. I don’t want to hurt him. I don’t want to leave him either. But if we’re ever going to be together, I have to get better. I have to take care of myself so that I can love him the way he deserves.

  I push my fingers through his dark hair. I can’t help but to touch him. I’m going to miss everything about him, even this.

  “Hey,” I whisper to him softly. “Yuri, wake up.”

  He stirs and blinks a few times. Then he sets himself upright; taking some time to figure out where he is. At least it’s hitting him faster than it’s hitting me.

  “Little bird,” he smiles standing to his feet with me.

  “Hi.”

  “Hello beautiful, girl.”

  Yuri runs his hands over his face then rubs the kinks out of his neck. I give him a small smile as he scoops his jacket from the floor. When he looks down at me, I’m finding it hard to keep my lips intact. I don’t want to smile. I don’t want to say goodbye.

  “How’d you know I was going to be here?” I ask quietly.

  “I didn’t. Just hoped that you would.”

  I drop my chin and pick at my nails. My legs weaken beneath me. Getting help is supposed to be one of the strongest things you can do for yourself. Yet, it doesn’t feel that way. I feel so weak.

  “Thank you for leaving last night and letting me get here on my own. I know it was hard.”

  “More like having my heart torn from my chest—but I knew you needed to do it alone.”

  “Thank you again.” I murmur. “We’re going to miss the Championships.” I tell him solemnly.

  “That doesn’t matter.”

  “The Olympics are right around the corner. It matters for qualifying.”

  “Alright.” He concedes. “It does matter—just not to me.”

  “This was supposed to be your second chance. I’m sorry that I ruined it.”

  “Sage,” Yuri mutters tipping my chin upward.

  I’m so glad my vision is going blurry. I can’t stand those blue eyes filled with sadness as they look at me.

  “If we miss the Games this year, we can take them on in the next four. Hey,” he chases my gaze.

  I really can’t look at him. The last thing anyone ever wants is for their wounds to cause pain to someone else. This was my problem. It just wasn’t fair for me to ask him to put his dream on hold for me.

  “Yuri, stop. This is about you too. You deserve this second chance to win.”

  “The only second chance I ever wanted was with you. I still want that. Your love is worth more to me than any Olympic medal.”

  I break down and let him pull me into his tight embrace. He squeezes me to his chest. Then his chin rests on the crown of my head. Yuri’s warmth, his smell, even the weight of his arms around me; I commit it all to memory. I close my eyes and remember the first time he saved me, the way his fingers used the needle and thread to seal the tear in my dress. I feel his hand in mine as we sat in the arena after Momma’s death. And I can feel him lifting me off the hotel room floor. I remember that despite fighting to forget it. I remember how he saved me then. But this time, Yuri couldn’t save me. I would have to save myself.

  “I do love you, Yuri.” I confess as hot tears stream down my cheeks. “I wish I told you that more often.”

  He rests his chin on the crown of my head. “You didn’t have to, little bird. I always knew.”

  If I give it any more thought, I know he’s right. When you love someone the way we do, the words are just a formality. Our hearts beat to the same rhythm and it’ll always be this way. The urge to flee sprouts up in my head. The longer I stay here, the harder it is for me to wrestle with the idea of leaving him. Even if it’s only temporary.

  “I-I should probably go now.” I tell him.

  Yuri squeezes me once more, then he laces our fingers together. Quietly we walk back up to the desk where Monique is waiting. With him at my side, I sig
n several consent forms and voluntarily check myself in. I drop the pen down after the last signature and look up at Monique. My heart pounds in my ears.

  “We’ll be going right through the doors on your left.” She smiles sincerely.

  I nod and turn to Yuri. He cups my cheek in his hand and presses our foreheads together. “I’m so proud of you.” He whispers in a voice thick with emotion. “I’ll be right here when you get back.”

  I press off my toes and erase the small gap between us. I’m not kissing him goodbye. I know he’ll be here for me when I’m finished. This is just a pause. A much needed pause in my life. I can’t press play again until I’m ready to move forward. I need to do this.

  “I’ll miss you.” I tell him quietly.

  “I’ll miss you too. But take all the time you need.”

  “I will.” I promise him. “See you when I see you.”

  “Every time I close my eyes, little bird.” He winks.

  I snicker and pull my suitcase away with me as Monique walks around the desk. The doors make a loud sound as they unlock and spring open. I glance back at Yuri and then wave my fingers loosely at him. He stuffs one hand in his jean pocket and waves with the other. Then the door closes and it’s just the two of us girls. From here, it feels like a whirlwind.

  My heart races as I follow Monique down a short hall that has another door at the end. We weave through a tangle of hallways in silence. Fear starts almost immediately and I’m unprepared. It tosses my thoughts around as I follow her to a bathroom. There two lovely nurses explain to me that they must go through my suitcase and clothes. It’s for my safety and the safety of others. As one nurse goes through my belongings the other has me strip down and put on a hospital gown. My shoelaces are removed from my shoes, the drawstrings from my favorite hoodie and sweatpants combo are taken away. I’m surprised when they even have to confiscate my eyeshadow. Apparently, the plastic can be broken and used as a tool. It all makes sense, if you’re desperate enough.

  The entire time, I wait for the other shoe to drop. I cautiously watch as the nurses chat among themselves and neatly place my bodywash back in my suitcase. Where were the padded walls? I don’t hear any screaming. Or would that be through yet another door? Do you earn a straitjacket or is it like a club thing? You get one upon admittance.

 

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