Black Ice
Page 21
“Sage?” The red-headed nurse says to me. “After your interview with me you’re more than welcome to change into any of the remaining clothes in your luggage. The ones we will keep, will be placed behind the nurse’s station for safe keeping until you go home.”
“When?”
“When what?”
I swallow hard. “When can I go home?”
“When you’re ready. Remember we’re all here to help you.” Her smile feels sincere, even comforting as she leads me out.
In the interview room, my skin is checked from head to toe. I’m asked about my self-harm and we go through the same admission questions I signed with Monique. Then, I’m read my patient rights. That’s it. I’m politely escorted to the room that will be mine during my stay.
It’s very plain two beds divided by a curtain. Each with a small closet and one bedside drawer. This is where I’ll go through my recovery. This place can be my cell or it can be my sanctuary. It’s my choice.
Over the next three weeks, I forced myself to face my mental illness. Away from Auntie Carrie’s scrutinizing stare, I’m allowed to see myself for the person I really am. And it’s terrifying. The first few nights were the hardest. I cried whenever I was scared or lonely. Which was all the time. I cried while shoveling a spoonful of orange sherbet into my mouth. I cried during group therapy and individual therapy. It didn’t stop until, I took encouragement and decided to use the journal I was given upon admission.
I wrote down my feelings and my fears. I set goals for my health. I even wrote a few poems when the mood struck me. During my sessions with the doctor, I fought with myself to be open and honest. I wanted to get better so badly, so I told the truth. I answered every question no matter how much it hurt.
During my time, I saw Yuri once a week. He wanted to come more often but I didn’t let him. I needed to focus on me so that I could be better for him. When he came, we sat around with the other families. We discussed my treatments and the different things that I could look forward to. The biggest one, was moving in with him.
Yuri has found a small place in Colorado. Far far away from Texas and Detroit. Miles apart from my Aunt and Dean. I could go there with him and we’d be close to several Olympic training centers. It would be perfect, if that’s what I want. It’s all that I want.
In the evenings, I sat in the t.v. room with other patients. We played games and talked about our families and friends. I was surprised by how encouraging everyone was. And that ultimately, we all wanted the same thing. We wanted to be more than our mental illness and give more to the people who love us.
I learned to stop fearing medication and started to learn to accept new coping mechanisms. The urge to self-injure lessened as the days went by and I felt happy. I didn’t feel like a failure. I felt like a survivor. For the first time in a long time, the future looked brighter and I felt like I was in control. No one was going to give it to me. I had to take it. So, I did.
I don’t always realize how far I’ve come. Even in such a short time. Yuri and I are back to competing. Despite our short absence, we’ve been asked to represent the US at the Olympics. In between the abrupt move, we’ve been training, getting ready for my summer graduation and preparing for our move to Colorado. It’s a lot of change. But I have Yuri by my side and I know that it’s all worth it.
Right now, Yuri is leaning his lengthy frame against the counter. He is telling me about our trip to Russia after the Games. He wants me to come back with him and to reintroduce me as his fiancé. I’m nodding along half listening and reaching for my medication. It’s become my habit. The same time every day. What makes me pause today is Yuri. He’s never here for this part. I haven’t let him see me this way. I want so badly to keep this away from him. But if we’re going to be married, he has to see this side. He needs to be able to love this part of me. I just wonder if he is ready.
With my hand in the air my sleeve rolls down and exposes me. I’ve watched the scars as they’ve healed these past two months. The urge to cut myself isn’t completely gone. Although with time, therapy, my medications and Yuri’s it has lessened. When things get overwhelming, like the idea of seeing his family again and being introduced as his fiancé, I want to cut. It’s the initial thought and then my other coping skills break through. I’m told the inclination may never really go away. Just like my depression will never go away. It will come to the forefront, disturb the peace and like an unwanted guest; it’ll linger in the background. It’ll always be there. Through the good times and the bad, it’ll always be there.
“Whats’s wrong?” Yuri asks with that infamous dark eyebrow lifted high.
“Nothing,” I murmur. “I just…”
“Take them.” He urges. “If you have to take the medications, take them. I’m here Sage. It doesn’t scare me. I can love you through this. Through anything for the rest of our lives.”
I can hear him running the water at the faucet, filling my glass. At the same time his words fill my heart. In one way or another, I’ve loved Yuri since I was a little girl. He has loved me the same. He’s watched as I’ve adjusted to the medications. They mess with my mood, my appetite and even my sleep pattern and still he remains by my side.
“I haven’t run you down yet with all of this?” I tease half-heartedly.
Yuri places the glass in my hand. Under his deep blue gaze I swallow back my dosage. When I finish, he takes the glass and sets it on the counter at our side. His eyes pattern across my face. His hands run along my arms. I tip my chin back and peer up at him through the veil of my lashes.
“Loving you, will never exhaust me. I’ll be doing it with a smile on my face until the day I die, little bird. And then for eternity after.”
I press off my toes and take his lips in a soft kiss. Kissing Yuri always made sense and right now it makes things feel crystal clear. Even if my mind gets muddled, he’ll help me clear away the storm. He’ll help me keep moving forward. I didn’t think I could be so lucky. To have a man love my brokenness and still find beauty in me at my worst, leaves me in awe.
“You are with me.” I speak against his lips.
He smiles and lifts me off my feet, sitting me down on the counter. I giggle at his swiftness and the gentle way he pulls me by the nape of my neck back to his mouth.
“My beautiful black bird,” he murmurs. “You are always with me. And will always be mine.”
I will always be his. I will be his black bird. The girl with the broken wing. I will conquer the pain with it. I’ll love this man in the face of it. And I will fly despite it.
Epilogue
Sage
The opening ceremony in PyeongChang, South Korea was beautiful. The culture here has been highlighted in a glorious way. And seeing the athletes from around the world come together has been awe inspiring. I’ve always enjoyed every Opening Ceremony before the games, but with Yuri beside me, this was my favorite yet.
“Sage,” Grant Weaver, our new coach says to me as I wait for Yuri in our locker room.
“Yeah?”
“You have a vistor. Do you want me to let her in?”
Yuri is just coming out of the restroom fixing the cuff of his shirt. He frowns immediately at Grant’s words. A scowl settles over his handsome features.
“Who?” he demands.
“Your cousin,” Grant says to me cautiously. “I’ll have her wait until after if it’s a pro-,”
“It’s fine.” I pat Yuri’s arm. “Let her in.”
His frown doesn’t let up as Aspen’s heels click down the steps. To say that Yuri is protective of me when it comes to my family is an understatement. I’ve refused all communication advances, from Dean and my Aunt. As much as it has hurt me, they were toxic. No matter their intentions, they were a toxic presence in my life. Maybe somewhere down the road, I’ll be able to handle them in small doses. But not now. I am not ready.
Yuri stands guard in front of me protectively. Aspen approaches shyly. We’ve kept in touch the past few mon
ths over the phone. She’s been busy at the jazz bar and working on some television work. She has a small role on a hit tv show and she’s been gaining a lot of traction for it.
I peer around Yuri’s side. Aspen is dressed beautifully in a tasteful pair of dark black jeans and a red blouse. Her dark cocoa skin looks flawless. So does her short bob of hair. Ignoring Yuri’s grunt, I race around him and throw my arms around Aspen.
“Sage!” she squeals. “Oh my god, girl! Look at you. You look so good.”
“I look good? Look at you! You’re glowing.”
Aspen blushes like she’s got a secret. A reason for that golden glow she’s being bathed in. I look into her dark eyes and I know. She’s in love.
“Things are really great.” She grins. “But who cares about me. You’re about to go out there and win Gold. I’m so proud of you.”
“Thank you. I-I can’t believe we’re here. It’s been an insane few months. But I’m happy.”
“I can tell girl.”
She looks over my shoulder at Yuri, offering him a small cautious smile. “Thanks for taking care of my girl, Yuri.”
“It’s my privilege.” He wraps his arm around my waist.
“You guys are going to be great. Good Luck.”
I drag her back into my embrace. “Thanks for coming all this way. I feel good knowing you’re out there.”
“It was nothing. You’ve done so much for me. This was the least I could do.”
“Well thank you.”
We break our hold and she moves back out of the locker room. I smile as she makes her way out. I can feel Yuri’s watching me and I shake my head at him.
“I’m okay.”
“I know.” He says trying to keep the concern from trickling into his deep voice. “I just don’t trust them, any of them.”
He nuzzles his head to mine and we kiss briefly. He worries over me a lot. And sometimes I feel like the rest of our lives will be like this. But it’s a part of the process. It’s apart of our relationship. He doesn’t want to lose me, and he doesn’t want anyone or anything to interfere with my health.
Yuri knows that I can’t promise that everything will be rainbows and sunshine. There will be dark times. Hard and difficult times. But he has swore to love me through them. Being in love and having depression is one of life’s greatest contradictions. If I am to let Yuri love me, then I must learn to love myself. I have to fight each day to see myself through his eyes. I deserve love. And he deserves to be loved back. So, I’m learning every day to cope and conquer my fears. For him. For me. For us.
“Yuri?” I whisper as we make our way to the main arena.
“Yes?”
“I love you.”
“I love you too, little bird.”
Yuri
How can three little words hold so much power over me? Sage says those words and instantly I start to fall deeper and harder. She’s everything to me and my future rests in those soft hands of hers. There is nowhere else that I want to be. On the ice. On land or in this universe. I just want to be with her. She’ll need reassurance. I’ll give it to her. Day after day after day. Whatever it takes.
In the arena, we’re taking to the ice like we know how to do so well. Our song is the one that has been playing in the back ground of our lives since the first night I danced with her to it. And whether we win or lose here tonight, it won’t matter. The rest of my life will be with this woman. I’ll always win because of that.
Hallelujah
Hallelujah
Hallelujah
Dear Reader,
Thank you for going on this journey. Depression is real. Suicide is real. It likely has touched someone you know. Be kind and love hard. And listen when someone tells you that they’re in pain.
To the friend that I lost,
I’m sorry. We all failed you.
Missing you every day,
C. Mack.
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