Bill the Minder

by W. Heath Robinson

  THE LOST GROCER

  For many and many a weary mile the persevering little band had nowtrudged on without meeting with any adventure worth relating, and everyone was longing for the end of their travels, when one lovely eveningthey came across a good-natured-looking policeman, fast asleep on astile by the roadside. The tramp, tramp of the army awakened him, andwith a gentle smile he got off his perch and walked alongside the King.Charmed with his easy manner, the King jokingly asked him of what he hadbeen dreaming that he smiled so pleasantly. 'Oh, of old times and oldfriends,' the policeman replied, and then as he walked along he thusrelated the strangest of experiences:--

  'Many years ago it was my happy lot to be the principal policeman ofthe pleasant little town of Troutpeg, situated, as you know, on thebanks of the river Peg, just where it flows into the estuary of theDrip, that here broadens into that well-known land-locked harbour of thesame name, and thus finally finds its way to the sea. Nestling amongstits stone-capped hills, the happy place seemed designed by a kind natureas a retreat for all who were blithe and amiable, and such indeed itproved to be, for no more kindly and genial souls than the Troutpegsterscould be found. Their simplicity was delightful, though perhaps such asto incline them all the more readily to believe in the wild legends ofthe country-side. Many were the strange stories told by the shepherds,who tended their flocks on the hills at night, of wild rites, anduncouth dances performed by ghostly beings, in the light of the moon,amidst the ancient circles of Druid stones. Little else, however, wasthere to disturb the peaceful thoughts of the Troutpegsters.

  'The prosperity of the township was so great, and the comfort of each ofits inhabitants so well assured that for many years no wickedness of anykind had shown its head, and the life of a policeman in this happy andsecluded town was one long summer holiday. To be sure, a little skirmishhere and there amongst the lads might make it wise gently to exert myauthority, or a little quarrel amongst the girls call forth a slightrebuke, but otherwise my life was one of unbroken peace.

  'My dearest friend was the tea-grocer, a man of sad and dreamy ways andquite devoid of guile, who returned my affection with all the ardour ofa singularly loving nature. He shared his every joy with me, and whenhis holidays came round no greater recreation could he find than in mysociety. Walking by my side as I strolled along my beat, he wouldconfide to me his simple hopes and fears, and in his troubles seek myreadily extended sympathy. Such simplicity and inoffensive mien had heas brought to him a rich harvest of respect and love, together with thecustom of his fellow-townsmen.

  'In time his little store became quite an evening resort for those oldertownsmen who, no longer able to race about the green when work was done,would perhaps look in to purchase half a pound of coffee or tea, orsugar or salt for the good wife, and stay chatting with the amiablegrocer. Then maybe one would look in to buy an ounce of tobacco, or theexcellent snuff for which the grocer was far famed, and so on and so onuntil the shop was full. Seated around on the tea-chests, coffee bins,tobacco boxes and snuff tins, many a pleasant evening have we spent,enlivened by good-natured arguments and discussions on every conceivablesubject.

  'One sultry summer's afternoon, as I was standing thinking in thecobbled high-street, the quiet of the still warm day disturbed only bythe gentle breathing of the shopmen as they dozed amongst their wares,or the distant bleating of the sheep as they browsed in and out therocks and Druid stones capping the surrounding hills, the comfortingremembrance came to me of many a refreshing cup of tea partaken with thegrocer in the snug little parlour behind his shop. With hardly a thoughtof what I was about, I allowed my idle steps gently to stray towards thehomely store of my friend. Entering therein, and finding that he wasaway from home, I sat me down upon the little chair, so thoughtfullyprovided for weary customers, and with my head supported by the counter,resumed my broken train of thought until, completely overcome by a senseof drowsy comfort, I feel asleep.

  'I was suddenly awakened by the church clock striking eight, and foundthat all the town was wrapped in slumber and that the grocer had not yetreturned. Wondering what on earth could keep him away so late, andhoping that no harm had overtaken him, I stiffly arose from my seat,stretched myself, and betook me to my home and bed.

  'On the following morning my first thought was for my friend, and onlearning that he had not returned during the night, I called in turn oneach of his neighbours,--the doctor, the vicar, the solicitor, thepostman, and the corn-chandler, and many another equally interested inhis movements. Not one, however, had seen him since the previous day,and all showed the liveliest concern and anxiety at his mysteriousabsence.

  'Night followed day, and day again followed night, with no sign of thevanished grocer. Weeks now passed by, and grief took possession of thelittle town at the loss of one who was missed at every turn. Hoping thateven yet he might return, we kept his shop still open for him, and thelittle birds, encouraged by the silence, flew in and out and nested inthe scales and amongst the stores, glutting their fluffy little bodieswith the sugar-plums, the currants, the herbs and spices that everywhereabounded. And even the swallows, so much entertainment did they findtherein, forgot, as the summer drew to its close, to fly away,preferring much to sleep the winter through in comfort.

  'But alas! months, and years and years and years rolled by, and thegrocer never returned, and in time little enough thought was given toone who had, at one time, been held in such esteem by all. But we, theolder Troutpegsters, still thought at times of our vanished friend, andmany were the theories we suggested to account for his disappearance.

  'One held that he had been beguiled by gypsies, another that he had beenstolen to be exhibited as a rare model of virtue in some distant clime,while others believed that the fairies, envious of our happiness inpossessing such a friend, had taken him from our midst; but all agreedthat we should have guarded our treasure with greater care.

  'One never-to-be-forgotten evening the doctor, the solicitor, thevicar, the corn-chandler, and myself (some of us already stricken inyears) were seated, as was now our evening custom, upon the rusticbridge that carries the road across the river Peg. The fragrant smoke ofour long pipes rising to the evening sky, our conversation, as was nowso frequently the case, had drifted from politics, sport, fashions andthe latest police intelligence to lovingly-recalled memories of ourlong-lost friend, and so sad did we become that lumps as large as eggplums rose to our throats, and our eyes brimmed over with tears.

  AFFECTED BY HIS STORY]

  'Drying our eyes we now smoked on in silent contemplation of the past;the night gradually drew down, and the first star appeared in thecloudless sky when there came to us the sound of a distant footstep,coming along the road towards the town, and presently a strange figurehove in sight,--an old, old man, with long tangled grey hair and shaggybeard, clothed in the most pitiable rags, torn, and held together withstraw and odd pieces of string. He passed slowly across the bridge,leaning heavily on his staff, and limped with difficulty towards thetown, into which with one accord we followed him.

  PLUMP INTO THE RIVER WE WENT]

  'Down the cobbled high street he walked until he came to the shop of thevanished grocer into which he turned without any hesitation. Wonderingwhat business could take him there, we all hastened to the door of theshop, and there, with the utmost astonishment, beheld the strangerremove his threadbare coat, and replace it with the grocer's moth-eatenapron that had hung for so long from a peg on the door; then hecommenced dusting the shop and putting it straight. As I gazed, myastonishment gave place to the most incredulous amazement when Idetected in the old man a fancied likeness to the departed grocer. Atlast, after closer scrutiny, I was convinced that it was indeed no otherthan my friend actually returned after all these years, and as he at thesame time more easily recognised me, we fell into each other's arms, andwho shall describe the extravagance of our joy?

  'In a little while, when we had calmed down, we all retired to thelittle parlour behind the shop, and our good friend
brewed us a cup oftea as of old, and after a little gentle persuasion related to us thefollowing strange story of his disappearance:--

  '"On that memorable summer afternoon, many years ago, as I was weighingout the sugar into pound and half-pound packets (which, as you mayremember, was my rule at that time of day to prepare for the eveningtrade), a strange old gentleman, clothed in the deepest black from capto slippers, yet withal possessed of the most snowy ringlets and beard,entered my shop and begged of me some food for his family, assuring methat they were all slowly dying of starvation.

  '"Affected by his story, I was making up for him a parcel containinglentils, raisins, dates, figs, sugar, and other goods which I thoughtmight be acceptable, when, to my astonishment, the ungrateful old rascalsnatched up a large tin of the finest snuff, which you will remember Iused to sell in great quantities, and bolted with it out of the shop.

  '"Without a moment's hesitation I divested myself of my apron, anddonning my coat, followed him at the greatest speed. Away he ran downthe high street towards the bridge, which he very soon crossed, and nowalong the river bends he sped, with me close at his heels. For miles weran, even as far as the source of the river Peg, which we doubled andcame tearing down the other side. I now perceived that, in spite of hisage, he ran almost quicker than I did. Presently into the river heplunged, I following close, and then he retraced his steps towards itssource. Once more plump into the river we went, and as I scrambled upthe opposite bank I noticed to my dismay that, while I grew more tiredand out of breath as we ran, he became brisker and fresher. Discardinghis hat, cloak, and slippers, though still holding on to the snuff tin,he now appeared in robes of dazzling white, which, with his hair andlong white beard, flowed behind him as he ran, and gradually increasedthe distance between us.

  Followed him at the greatest speed]

  '"Soon I could perceive that he was making for the hill above the townwhich, with no difficulty at all, he mounted long before I had reachedits foot, and when at last I struggled to the top the old rogue wasseated upon one of the Druid stones that here in one great circle crownthe hill, smiling, and hugging to himself the while the tin of snuff. Onseeing me again, he soon jumped down, and I dodged him in and outof the stones for at least three hours by the church clock, and thenweary and utterly dejected I sat me down on a stone in the centre of thering and wept bitterly. Directly beneath me I could see, through mytears, the lights of our little town shine out here and there from thegathering darkness, while over the hills, away to my left, the edge ofthe full red moon began to show. As higher and higher it climbed thesky, one by one there leapt from the earth beneath each stone an agedDruid all clothed in white, with long waving grey locks and beard, andcrowned with garlands of oak leaves, holly, laurels, and mistletoe. Whenthe circle of Druids was quite complete the old rascal who had lured mefrom my shop, and who now appeared to be their chief, stepped towardsme, now far too bewildered and astounded to resist, and solemnly placedupon my brow a wreath of wild violets. Then separately, each of theDruids came forward with some offering which he placed before me,afterwards returning to his place in the circle, so that presently theregrew upon the grass in front of me a great mound of vegetables, fruit,flowers, haunches of venison, fowls, hares, rabbits, and young lambs. Atlength, every Druid having made his offering, their chief handed roundthe tin of snuff from which each old fellow took a large pinch, andthen, linking hands, they danced wildly round me.

  THERE GREW IN FRONT OF ME A GREAT MOUND]

  '"In utter silence, by the light of the moon, now high in the sky, thesesolemn rites were performed, and still without a sound they whirledquicker and quicker around me, their feet hardly seeming to touch theground, and their long loose garments streaming after them as they flew.

  '"Presently the distant chime of the church clock striking twelvereached me from the town below and I gradually fell into a trance, asone by one the old Druids sank into the earth beneath the stones.

  '"Every day since then until to-day have I passed in complete oblivion,and every night have I awakened to find myself seated on the stone inthe centre of the ring of Druids, with all the power of resistance takenfrom me, compelled to be the object of their weird rites.

  SNEEZING AND SNEEZING]

  '"Last night, however, just as the church clock began to strike twelve,such a rush of memories flooded my brain, and such a longing to see myold home and friends took possession of me, that a terrible rage at thecruel tyranny of the Druids had gathered in my bosom before the clockhad finished striking the hour. When it was about to strike the lastbeat, I arose from my seat in the centre of the circle and approachingthe wicked old chief, I snatched the snuff tin from his hands andclapped it, snuff and all, right down over his eyes. Strange to say thecontents of the tin had not diminished by so much as a single pinch, andsuch a fit of sneezing seized the old scoundrel that he rolled on thegrass in the greatest distress, quite unable to put the usual spell uponme. All the other Druids, with abject terror expressed on their faces,sank at once into the ground. The form of the head Druid, sneezing andsneezing and sneezing, gradually faded away before my eyes, and longafter he had completely disappeared the sneezing could still be heard.Eventually this died away, and pulling my clothes together as best Icould (for by now they were all in rags), I made the best of my wayhome."

  'Having finished his story the grocer now became very thoughtful, and weall sat round his little room smoking in silence until far into thenight, wondering at the strange events he had related. Next day, and fora whole week, great festivities were held to celebrate his return, andthe Mayor very willingly resigned his office in favour of one who washeld in such esteem. Innumerable presentations were made to him andaddresses read to him, yet, in spite of all the honours he received,never did he forget his old friends. Nor was he too proud to serve inhis little shop, now enlivened by the songs of the birds he had not theheart to turn away. He spent the remainder of his useful life in theperformance of kind deeds and in well-deserved happiness.'

  * * * * *

  THE MERCHANT'S WIFE AND THE MERCHANT]

  headpiece]