Bill the Minder

by W. Heath Robinson

  THE MERCHANT'S WIFE AND THE MERCHANT

  'Very, very good, indeed,' the King remarked when the policeman hadfinished his story, and he was so pleased that he gave all theyoungsters a half-holiday, with strict injunctions to be back in timefor tea.

  At tea-time they all came skipping back, bringing with them a little oldman they had found, apparently lost, and moping about the common. Hecarried in front of him a pedlar's tray, on which were exposed for salemany little oddments, such as reels of cotton, needles, pins, ribbons,and even little toys, which he now hawked round amongst the assembledcompany. As many as were able bought some small thing or other out ofkindness to the little merchant, and the good-natured old monarchinvited him to tea.

  While they were all enjoying this meal, they were disturbed by a greatnoise, very much like the galloping of a horse, and suddenly, withoutany warning, right into their midst there leapt a very large woman, whoimmediately seized upon the little merchant, and attempted to drag himaway. Bill at once went to the assistance of the little fellow, andendeavoured to pacify his assailant. At length the irate creature calmeddown, and addressing the company in an aggrieved tone, said:--'It's allvery well for you people to stand up for this wicked man, but not one ofyou knows the dance the little wretch has led me for the last fifteenyears.'

  'Of course,' the King answered, 'it is hardly to be expected that weshould know anything of either of you, considering that this is the veryfirst time we have had the pleasure of meeting you. Perhaps you will beso kind as to enlighten us, and explain to us your strange conduct.'

  The large woman now sat down upon the grass and said:--'Well, I supposeI had better do so. Give me a cup of tea, and I'll let you know allthere is to know.'

  A cup of tea was accordingly handed to her, from which she took a sip,and then proceeded thus:--

  'About fifteen years ago I was so unfortunate as to wed this poorspecimen of a man you see before you, and we had not set up housetogether very long before I could see that he wanted thoroughly lookingafter, and, indeed, that he could hardly be allowed out by himself. Nowthis was very awkward, as his business required that he should be outall day, so I proposed to accompany him on his rounds. Holding himsecurely fastened to the end of a long cord, I never let him out of mysight for more than a minute at a time, and so kept him from mischief.After a year or so, however, this grew rather tiresome for me, as I hadto neglect my household duties in attending upon my husband, and, in theend, was compelled to let him out again alone.

  Bringing with them a little old man]

  'But you may be sure I did not do this until I had laid down certainfixed rules for his behaviour, which I made him promise to obey. Amongstthese, one was that he should start from home not a minute earlier andnot a minute later than eight o'clock in the morning; another was, thatif he returned either a minute earlier or a minute later than eighto'clock in the evening, he should go supperless to bed. And, wouldyou believe me, in spite of all my care, he would sometimes returnearlier and, as I learnt afterwards, remain outside until the clockstruck eight, when he would creep in as though he had only justreturned?

  'But my great trouble only began a few weeks ago, when, one evening,having cooked his nightly turnip, I waited patiently for my good man'sreturn. At length the clock struck eight, and, to my surprise, it wasnot immediately followed by my husband's timid knock. One minute passed;two minutes passed; three minutes passed; four minutes passed; and, onthe fifth minute, there was a low knock at the door, and in crept themiserable man, and cowered to his place. But, as you may suppose, therewas no turnip for him _that_ night, until he had given a satisfactoryexplanation of his late return. The only excuse the frightened littleruffian had to offer was, that he had dropped a needle on the road, andhad to return for it. So he went supperless to bed.

  'The next evening, having warmed up the old turnip, I again awaited hisreturn. Eight o'clock struck, and, to my even greater surprise, it wasnot followed by the merchant's knock, and this time it was six minutespast before he entered, and with no better excuse for his late arrivalthan that he had dropped a reel of cotton on the road, and had to returnfor it. "Let this be a lesson to you, my man," said I, as I once moreput away the turnip, which he had been regarding with longing eyes, andsent him to bed.

  'For the third time, on the following evening, I warmed up the turnip,feeling convinced that after the severe lesson he had received, mymerchant would not again serve me such a trick. But eight o'clockstruck, and then one minute passed; then two, three, four, five, six,seven, eight, nine, and as the minute-hand pointed to the ten, hecrawled in on hands and knees, not daring to raise his eyes from theground. And then I told him what I thought of his conduct.

  MOPING ABOUT THE COMMON]

  'Without waiting to hear a word of explanation, I now locked him in acupboard beneath the stairs, put the turnip away, and went to bed. Inthe morning I let him out, but of course gave him no breakfast, and indue time he took his tray of goods, and left the house without a word.Hardly had he departed three minutes, when I hastily donned my bonnetand shawl, and followed him, determined to learn, if possible, what haddelayed him on the three previous evenings. Keeping at a safe distance,I followed him all over the town, but nothing unusual happened. Hecalled at every house, displaying his wares to any one likely to buy;selling a ribbon here, perhaps some pins or needles there, but hisconduct, on the whole, seemed harmless enough. At length the day passedby, and the merchant started homewards; but he had not moved many paces,when he came to a stop, and seemed to debate in his mind whether heshould return or not. Then, looking up and down the road, and seeing noone watching him, he suddenly took to his heels, and ran as hard as hecould in the opposite direction. I lost no time in climbing over thewall, behind which I had been hiding, and quickly followed him. Out ofthe town the villain ran as swiftly as he could go, and I followed asclose as possible, without being seen by him, and was only just in timeto see the rogue climb into an old barrel that was standing, end up, ina field near the roadway. "Now," thought I, "I've got you in a trap, myfine fellow," and I ran up to the barrel. I could hardly believe theevidence of my eyes when I found it to be quite empty. Amazed beyondmeasure, I at last turned my steps towards home.

  'On arriving home, I found that my husband had not returned, and it wasfully twenty minutes past eight when at last he appeared, but I was soastonished that I could not say a word to the little rascal, and oncemore he went supperless to bed.

  'For four more days I followed the little man without approaching asolution to this riddle. Each day he would go about his business in theusual manner and, in the evening, he would run to the barrel, into whichhe would speedily disappear. He came home later and later every night,until I could stand this state of things no longer; and, on the sixthday I determined never to return until I had satisfactorily cleared upthis mystery. This time, instead of following my merchant through thetown, I went direct to the barrel, and, hiding myself behind a bush nearby, prepared to wait there all day and see what happened.

  'I had not made myself comfortable many minutes before I saw two old mencoming along the road from the town; so old were they indeed, that theycould only creep along by leaning one against the other. Right up to thebarrel they crawled, and then, to my surprise, they scrambled over itssides and disappeared. Presently two more just as old and decrepit camealong and disappeared in the same way. Now three more came, then twoagain, and then only one, all as old and wretched as could be, and eachone crawled into the barrel and vanished. This went on for some timewhen, unable to restrain my curiosity and wondering why on earth thebarrel didn't become full, I hurriedly left my hiding-place and lookedtherein, to find that it yet remained quite empty. I had barely timeenough to regain my hiding-place when more and more old men came alongthe road and disappeared into the barrel.

  'This went on all day, and when the evening drew near, I could see mylittle man approaching from the town. As I expected, he walked straightup to the barrel, and in a twinkling had vanish
ed inside. Without givingmyself a moment to think, I once more left my hiding-place and climbedinto the mysterious old tub. It was certainly rather a tight fit, but Imanaged to get in somehow or other. Presently I was astonished andalarmed to find that the bottom of the barrel, which I had imagined torest on the earth, began to give way and open like a trap-door, and Ifelt myself sinking lower and lower, down a sort of well. The nextthing, I found myself at the bottom of the well, and at the mouth of atunnel so narrow and low that I could only go through it on my hands andknees. This, however, I proceeded to do, and found that it opened into agreat chamber cut out of the solid rock.

  'Not daring to enter, I gazed into this strange place, which was lightedwith many candles all affixed to the rocky walls with their own tallow.On the centre of the floor was piled a great heap of children'stoys,--tin trumpets, wooden horses, drums, hoops, skipping-ropes,rocking-horses, peg-tops, in fact, every conceivable toy that a sensiblechild could wish for. Around this great heap, instead of children, satall the poor miserable old men I had seen enter the barrel, and amongstthem I now perceived my husband, who certainly seemed no happier thanthe rest. Securely hidden in the narrow passage from every one in theroom, I could now watch all that took place, in the greatest comfort.

  'Not a word was said by any of the decrepit creatures as they staredabsently at the toys in the middle of the room. Presently one whom Itook to be their host, as I had not seen him enter the barrel, took froma peg on the wall, from which it had been suspended by a piece ofstring, an old bent tin pipe and proceeded to play. At once the wrinkledfaces of the poor old fellows began to brighten up, and as the musicgrew more lively, they rocked their withered frames to and fro to thetunes. Soon, one by one, they stood upon their feet, and seeming to losetheir old age as the music every moment became more enchanting, theyforgot their feebleness and danced gaily about the room.

  'Younger and younger they grew, until my husband appeared to be such adapper and bright little man that I could not prevent myself fromleaving my hiding-place and going up to him and clasping him round thewaist. Not a bit surprised did he seem to see me there, and as wedanced merrily up and down the room, to my great joy and astonishment, Ifelt myself growing younger every moment, whilst the rest of thecompany, now all transformed to fine young men, danced in one circleround us, as handsome a couple as you would wish to see.

  KEPT HIM OUT OF MISCHIEF]

  'Still the magical music continued, and if anything grew more and moreenchanting as we grew younger and younger, until we seemed to befrolicsome boys and girls once more. At last we found ourselves to be acrowd of little toddling children, and, my word! how we grabbed at thegreat heap of toys placed there for our amusement, and what a time wehad to be sure!

  GLORIOUS TARTS AND SWEETS]

  'Under the great heap of toys, we discovered the most glorious tarts,pastries, cakes and sweets, and it didn't seem to matter how much youate of them, for you never lost your appetite for more. At last, alas!the wonderful music quieted down, and by degrees we once more lost ourchildhood, then our youth, and, when the music suddenly stopped, we allreturned to our old selves again, and fell flat on our faces quite tiredout, while our host hung up his old tin pipe on its peg in the wall.

  'When we had all somewhat recovered, I fixed my eye upon my husband."Now," thought I, "I've got you. This is how you waste your time, is it?And why you come home late for supper." The conscience-strickencreature trembled before my gaze, and then made a rush for the door. Allmade way for him, but I quickly followed through the tunnel and mounteda ladder which led to the trap-door at the bottom of the barrel, out ofwhich I climbed, but only in time to see the rascal disappear into thetown. I then made the best of my way home.

  IT DIDN'T MATTER HOW MUCH YOU ATE]

  'He had not returned when I arrived, so I waited three whole days andnights, prepared to make the unnatural man feel to the full myresentment at his shameful conduct. On the fourth day, as he had notcome home, I went back to the tub, and not seeing any sign of him, Igave a kick to the old thing and sent it rolling over and over on itsside. Would you believe me, there was not the slightest trace of anypassage or well ever having existed beneath it. Since then I havewandered all over the country in search of this ungrateful wretch.' Andthe indignant woman, having finished her story, once more attempted todrag the affrighted little merchant away. Bill again intervened, andafter a few very kind words, successfully persuaded her to allow herhusband to remain with them, at the same time inviting her to make oneof their brave band.

  This she only consented to do on condition that the policeman also neverleft them, 'as you never know,' said she, 'what the little wretch willbe up to next.'

  The policeman having no objection to fall in with her wishes, they allmarched on in peace.

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  THE CAMP-FOLLOWERS]

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