A Werewolf, a Vampire, and a Fae Walk Into a Bar

by Karpov Kinrade

  “Stay right here, I’ll bring her in,” I say, giving AJ a gentle squeeze on her un-shot arm as I go.

  Just as I disappear into the bedroom, I hear my friend sounding a bit more like herself and not an overwhelmed schoolgirl as she addresses the unexpected guests.

  “So, in the name of all that is good and holy, who the hell are you three?”

  When I get to Rain, I can tell it’s time for a diaper change and a feeding. I feel a little uncomfortable leaving AJ alone with the sexy stranger brigade, but she can stand up for herself as well as anyone, and I know they don’t want any extra trouble.

  I move Rain to her changing table and try to listen to the conversation in the front room in between the sobs. I can’t hear much, just the occasional mention of countries as AJ tries to guess where everyone is from.

  “Like, Paraguay? No, Portugal. Which one’s in Europe? No, never mind, your hair’s too light.”

  I love this girl so much. Her knowledge of the world outside of Massachusetts has, let’s say, some gaps. That doesn’t stop her from talking like she knows shit.

  Their conversation makes me wonder--what do I tell AJ? Do I bring her into the loop? Will she believe me if I try? And what will these guys do, to me or her, if someone else knows what’s going on? It might not be worth the risk.

  I haven’t quite decided on a plan of action as I head back out with Rain. AJ stands with the men in a circle around her, and I’m quite sure she orchestrated this positioning. Don’t get me wrong, she’s never been unfaithful, but she recognizes a thing--or three things--of beauty when she sees it. Plus, with John being the world’s biggest piece of shit, I hope she takes all the time she wants to enjoy the view.

  Still, she knows what’s important and abandons the Sexies when she sees her goddaughter coming her way.

  “She still needs to eat, so don’t be offended if she screams the whole time you hold her,” I say, like I’m a total expert on babies as I gently hand Rain to her.

  “She can cry all she wants and I’ll still love her forever,” AJ says, and I know it’s true. “My God, Bern, she’s gorgeous. What’s her name?”

  “Rain,” I answer, knowing full well--

  “You and your weird hippie shit.”

  For being best friends since we were kids, AJ and I don’t have a lot in common. It’s why I left Rowley and she never did, nor did she ever plan to. Our differences have helped strengthen our bond over time, forcing us to appreciate and overlook traits we might not have had patience for if it weren’t for the depth of our friendship.

  I love seeing her hold Rain, and look forward to years of them spending time together, but she’s still bleeding from a small hole on her upper arm.

  “AJ, you need more time with my medics,” I say, reaching for Rain. “You can play with the baby after you’re stitched up.”

  She looks down at her arm, remembering the reason she came here.

  “Right…” her voice trails off as she looks over her shoulder at the flawless men, quietly observing our every move. “Bernie, what’s happening? When was she born? Who are these guys? Why... I don’t know, why everything?”

  Before I can start to respond, Zev comes over and gently guides AJ back to the loveseat. The moment he touches her, she’s lost again in a sexy fog.

  “I’m going to numb your arm then suture the wound,” Zev explains as he sits AJ down, her eyes never leaving his face. “My thread will help you to heal.”

  AJ offers a slight nod to Zev, then looks at me questioningly.

  “Wait, Bernie, for real, who are these guys? I appreciate the medical attention and all, but this is too weird to ignore.”

  Well. Shit. Now I’ve got half a second to decide how to play this. I don’t know what to do, what’s going to happen, or how much danger any of us are in, but my gut tells me to keep up the ruse. If nothing else, that might give me more time to figure something out.

  “Um, where do I start? This is Zev, Rune, and Darius.” All male eyes are glued to me, also interested in how my introduction will go. “They showed up at my bar last night, on their way to... Montreal. Got stuck here when the power went out, and that’s pretty much why Rain and I are alive.”

  AJ’s eyes go wide. “Are you serious?”

  I nod, and it dawns on me that I mostly told the truth. A little fib about where they’re headed, but I don’t know what would have happened if these men didn’t have some insane prophecy guiding them to my doorstep. As for that final part, I’ll fill AJ in after I figure out how we’re going to survive.

  “I mean… that’s insane,” AJ very astutely observes. “And you’re all doctors?”

  There’s a momentary silence as the men figure out who will field questions addressing the group. Darius takes the lead.

  “We all have medical training, if not the actual title of doctor.”

  “And what’s in Montreal?” AJ’s always been a talker, especially around cute guys. With so many years lost to a loveless marriage, I imagine it’s only going to be worse now. “Are you all going to a medical conference or something?”

  Another beat. So handsome, smart, and strong, but the quick wit is severely lacking. They look between one another, hoping someone will speak. Naturally, AJ fills the dead air.

  “What’s up, fellas? No one remembers why they’re going to Montreal?”

  “Yes,” Rune blurts out, clearly an unskilled liar. “A medical conference or something.”

  Zev and Darius nod, trying to show how they’re all on the same page. AJ just stares--then starts to laugh.

  “Okay, whatever. You guys are lying through your teeth, but you’re fixing my arm so I’ll let it slide.” Her ability to brush things off has always astounded me. It’s probably made her a little complacent at times, but right now it’s really benefiting us all.

  “So, um, Bernie,” AJ says, changing the subject. “When did you get all this amazing shit?”

  Goddammit. And I thought explaining the hottest men in the universe being in my house would be the biggest challenge. This is definitely going to be harder.

  “Oh, yeah, I forgot you hadn’t seen the place yet,” I gesture around, trying to buy myself some thinking time. Won the lottery? Took out a loan? Lie and say nothing’s changed? None of those will fly. Gotta go random.

  “I... inherited everything,” I start, having no trouble sounding surprised because I’m not entirely sure what’ll come out of my mouth next. “An older cousin on my mom’s side left a bunch of stuff to my mom. I guess he’s got no next of kin and somehow didn’t know my mom was dead. Honestly, I keep waiting for someone to come back and reclaim it all. A truck showed up a few days ago and now I’m wicked fancy.”

  AJ stares at me, her right eyebrow cocked in a very disbelieving fashion. The Sexies all stare at me as well, none of them with a clue as to what I said.

  “Clearly,” AJ says, and I’m half-sure she’s about to call out my bullshit. But then she goes on, “this is the universe trying to get you to live in Rowley forever. And I appreciate it, powers that be,” she says, looking up and doing a kind of cross thing over her chest that I’m pretty sure is made up, “but I won’t allow it. Bernie’s too good for this dumb town, so she’s back to playing concert halls and shit as soon as Baby Rain’s old enough to stay with her auntie.”

  If she’s moved on to taking shots at our hometown, she’s good with my story. AJ will kill a bitch who bad mouths Rowley if they’re not from here, but when it comes to me and pursuing my dreams, she thinks this town can “get bent.” I’d never felt like AJ was truly mad at me about anything until I moved back. That’s something we’re still working out.

  “Finished,” Zev cuts in, having swiftly tended to AJ’s arm while we talked it out.

  “Oh. Whoa.” AJ looks at her wound and isn’t sure how to react. It’s so tightly stitched the gash is only barely noticeable. And yet, from a few feet away, I can hardly see the thread.

  “What kind of invisible synthetic shit is th
is?” AJ asks.

  “It’s… not a material you would know about,” Zev offers, and I’m curious to hear how he handles a barrage of follow-up questions. Before he can continue, Darius’ voice interrupts. But the words don’t come from his mouth, instead they go straight into my freaking head.

  The thread is made of his own hair, Bernadette.

  I make eye contact with Darius, and I know he’s talking directly with me, but doing it so AJ can’t hear him. It gives me the funniest feeling, like I’m having a casual conversation against my will. He’s overpowering my mind and, frankly, I wish I didn’t like it so much.

  It’s what he used to stitch the tearing after Rain was born. You have werewolf hair sewn throughout your va--

  “Get out!” I scream to make Darius leave my mind, but unlike his words, mine resound loudly throughout the room. Everyone looks up, worried. Sticking with the theme of the day, I improvise.

  “Get out… of here with those medical stories, Zev! We don’t have time to learn the history of medicine from wherever you’re from. I’ve got a baby to tend to, AJ needs to decide how many charges she wants to press against her husband, and you three need to learn how to tend bar.”

  I pulled that last one out of my ass, and couldn’t be happier with myself.

  “Oh yeah, I forgot to mention,” I say to AJ, though my words are mostly meant for the men I’m going to try like hell to turn into my sexy slaves. “Since I’m on mom duty, these guys are going to handle the business downstairs for a day or two while they’re stranded. Win win, am I right?”

  AJ smiles, because I am right. The three men frown, because they don’t necessarily agree.

  “If you don’t mind, maybe you can teach them some tricks of the trade? Start by showing Rune where the kegs are and how to change a tap?”

  “Of course I don’t mind,” AJ answers, giving my arm a squeeze and Rain’s head a tiny kiss. “Rune is… blondie, right? Follow me.”

  I watch them head out the door, and I’m thrilled to death that AJ is here, even if it does complicate my living arrangements even more than they already were. My immediate future is still incredibly vague, but she brings a burst of hope and happiness into my life that I’m grateful for, especially now.

  After they leave, I turn to Darius and Zev.

  “First off, don’t pull that shit again, Darius. Stay out of my head.”

  He offers a curt nod, but I’m not sure he’s going to follow my order. Then I turn to Zev.

  “And you--did you really stitch me up downstairs with your own hair?”

  “Downstairs? No, you were up in your bedroom-”

  “You know what I mean. The wounds below my waist.”

  “Ah,” Zev says, finally catching on. “Yes. You’ll find no thread as strong or as sterile as the hair of a wolf. Not an Earth wolf, of course, but from-”

  “Got it, thank you,” I cut him off, my brain not needing any more information to process. I head for the hallway, taking Rain to the comfort of our own bedroom.

  “You two can join Rune, down in the walk-in fridge,” I say as I reach the door. “This is a small town, where everyone knows me and everyone talks. If people don’t think you should be here, they’ll make their feelings clear.”

  I look at Rain and her beautiful little face. We just met, but I’d die for her in an instant.

  “You might have powers we don’t,” I say with renewed passion, “but a town of angry Massholes looking out for their own isn’t something you want to reckon with.”

  “Be that as it may,” Darius says, stepping forward, his dark eyes mesmerizing me into temporary silence, “we cannot leave the child unprotected.” He glances at Zev then back at me. “While you slept, we agreed that at least two of us would stay near her at all times.”

  I glare at the man before me. “First, she’s not unprotected. She’s with me, and I will not let anything happen to her. Second, you three don’t get to make decisions about my baby. You don’t get to make any decisions about--”

  But before I can finish, the sound of a gunshot coming from outside my door interrupts me.

  Rain screams bloody murder in my arms, my breasts pulse in pain from the pressure of the milk, and Zev growls like a wild animal.

  My front door crashes in and slams to the floor, a hulk of man on the other side, his dirty blond hair a greasy mess, his wife-beater shirt stained with dirt and beer, his brown eyes wild with fury, and a double-barreled shotgun cocked in his hands.

  It’s John, AJ’s good for nothing husband.

  “I know she’s here you dumb bitch. Give me back my wife or you and that brat of yours are gonna get shot.”

  Chapter Six

  It’s not an exaggeration to say that having a gun pointed at you and your newborn child is one of the most terrifying things that can happen to a person.

  But my terror is short lived.

  As short lived as that asshole’s life in my apartment.

  Several things happen at once, and I only have time to step back and tighten my arms around my irate child as a scene straight out of a horror movie unfolds before me.

  First, Zev’s body shifts from man to wolf in one astounding moment. It’s like a controlled burst of energy--he takes in a breath, then his features and limbs transform in a smooth, exotic motion, his bones reshaping as white fur grows over skin. He lands gracefully on all fours, majestic and intimidating. I’ve seen a couple wolves in my life, and Zev’s at least twice as big as any of them.

  Before I can even unpack that transition, Darius moves with lightning speed, disarming John just as the gun goes off, blowing a hole in my ceiling and traumatizing my eardrums.

  Next, Zev leaps into the fray, his claws digging into John’s chest and tearing through flesh, muscle and bone like the bastard is made of butter.

  And finally, Darius’s teeth sharpen into knives, and he twists John’s neck to the side, sinking his fangs into John’s pulsing vein.

  I don’t know what kills him. The wolf mauling or the vampire draining, but within seconds, his lifeless form is dropped to my floor like a bag of flour.

  The thunk he makes is slightly wet, like a splat, and I swallow back vomit and shield Rain’s eyes from the gore, even though I know she technically can’t see that far yet.

  “What the f--” I can’t even finish my thoughts before Rune appears, his body blocking what remains of the door frame as his sharp blue eyes take in the scene.

  Darius glances at him. “There was a situation,” he says before looking down at the body and then back to Rune. “It’s been resolved.”

  I nearly choke on his casual tone.

  Rune nods. “Good. AJ is in the bar. You might need to…”

  Darius nods. “Understood.” He disappears downstairs, while Zev remains a wolf, sitting by the door like a guard dog.

  “And the child?” Rune locks his gaze with mine, and in four long strides is by my side, assessing both Rain and me. “You are shaking. It’s shock. Come.”

  He guides me out of the living room and into my bedroom, then sits me on the bed and gently removes the screaming child from my arms. “She is hungry but safe.” He looks at me with more compassion than I’ve ever seen from any of them. “If you cannot feed her, I can make her a formula that will satisfy.”

  My mind is having trouble translating sound to words, but it clicks into place when he starts to leave with her.

  “No. Give her to me. I can do it.”

  He nods and hands Rain back, and without regard for modesty--as that ship has long since sailed--I pull out a breast and let my baby latch on.

  Rune watches, his eyes mostly locked on Rain, I’m sure to confirm she’s okay after everything that transpired. Still, his eyes spend a little more time on me than they have in the past. His gaze trails over my naked breast, then along my neck and up to my eyes. A hint of modesty creeps back into my psyche, as I realize how disheveled and generally disgusting I must look. I know I certainly feel beyond gross after a day of
work, childbirth, intermittent sleep and no bathing.

  I break eye contact before he does, checking on Rain to make sure she’s drinking all right. She’s chugging away, blissfully unaware of everything. I wonder how old she’ll be when I can finally tell her the story of her birth. Right now, it seems like it would be too traumatic at any age. I smile to myself as I think of getting a picture of the three Sexies holding Rain, each looking deathly serious, to put in her baby book. Then I laugh out loud when I imagine Darius not showing up in the picture--if that adage about vampires is true.

  “What? What’s wrong?” Rune asks.

  Is laughter a sign of distress where he’s from?

  “Do vampires show up in mirrors or pictures?” I ask.

  Rune frowns. “Is there a reason they wouldn’t?”

  I shrug. “Just trying to figure out how much of what I think I know is real.”

  He sniffs. “Well, I wouldn’t put a lot of stock in what most humans imagine any of us to be like. Honestly, I have no idea where they come up with some of it.”

  “Right. Well. You’ll have to fill me in on what’s real and what’s not.” I switch Rain to my other breast. “In the meantime, I’m going to finish feeding and change her, you should go see--”

  “What the actual mother-loving hell is this?”

  It would appear AJ has seen the body of her now-dead husband.

  I hear one of the guys saying something to her, but she comes busting into my room, her eyes wide, blood drained from her skin. “Oh my Lord, woman, you scared the shit out of me. I thought that bastard…”

  She rushes me and the baby, evading Rune who tries to stop her as she sits next to me on the bed and wraps her arms awkwardly around me as Rain continues to feed.

  “Are you okay? Is my god-baby okay?” she asks, tears now streaming down her face.

  I lean my head against her forehead, the way we used to do, like cats headbutting each other. “We’re safe. But...I’m sorry? About… you know.” It’s a pretty weak apology for, I don’t know, being an accessory to murder? Not really sure what my role was so I can’t figure out the appropriate response. Hallmark doesn’t make cards for ‘sorry the three supernatural beings who came here to kidnap my kid killed your abusive asshole husband in the most violent way possible.’ I’m guessing the demand isn’t high for that sort of thing. Very niche market.