A Werewolf, a Vampire, and a Fae Walk Into a Bar

by Karpov Kinrade

  But AJ just shakes her head. “Girl, there’s a lot you need to explain, but right now I’m just relieved you and cutie-pie here are okay. That asswipe can burn in hell for all I care.”

  “You’re not mad?” I ask. I mean, I’m not mad he’s dead. I’m mad there’s blood all over my newly refurbished apartment, but John can rot, as she said. Still, AJ has had a complicated relationship with him since high school. I know this can’t be easy, even if he was an animated piece of evil dog shit.

  She shakes her head, letting blond curls spill in front of her eyes. “Listen, this marriage has been dead for a long time. It was just…living in a small town, with nowhere else to go, it always felt too hard to get out.” AJ wipes her eyes, then smiles. “Now the marriage is literally dead, and I didn’t have to do the murdering, so I guess--”

  Rain interrupts our heart to heart by pulling off my nipple, satisfied with a full tummy. Before I can burp her, Rune--who I nearly forgot was there, that boy is stealth--holds his hands out for her. “I’d like to check her ears, if that’s okay?”

  When I frown, confused, he adds. “From the gunshot? And I can burp her and get her back to sleep.”

  Shit. What kind of mother am I that I didn’t even consider the effect a gunshot so close to her head would have? I nod and hand her to Rain.

  Zev, who is still a giant white wolf, appears at the door and hovers near Rune as they leave my room. The wolf glances at me briefly, then walks away.

  I gracelessly shove my breast back into my shirt and sigh as AJ narrows her eyes. “You gonna tell me what the hell is going on now? For real? Who are these guys?”

  I inwardly wince, not wanting to lie, but knowing I must. For reasons. “I already told you, they were on their way to a medical convention when--”

  “Shut your lying mouth, B. Look, I know I’ve never been as smart as you. I still hear the same dumb blond jokes from the idiots and assholes who were saying that shit in high school, so I’m not delusional about how clever I am. But, of all people, you know I’m not as stupid as I look.” Her eyes narrow and I see the lifetime of pain and disappointment hidden in them. A lifetime of living up to the very low expectations everyone had for her.

  I want to argue, to tell her none of that is true, but I won’t insult her intelligence. I was a musical prodigy in a tiny town with no competition. It set me up to be some kind of weird local mascot. I could do no wrong. I was pretty, sure, but I wasn’t AJ’s level of pretty. Instead, I was the smart one with all the talent. She was the blond bombshell who filled out early. Her nickname in middle school was jailbait. Her family life was shit, so she had no support. I became her family, with my grandparents doing what they could for her. But nothing we did could shake this town from their prejudices.

  It’s no wonder she never left John. She had nowhere else to go. I’m the only person in Rowley who’s ever loved her back, and I was gone for half a decade.

  So, I make a decision I hope I won’t regret.

  And I tell her everything.

  She is completely silent through it all, the only sign that she’s still listening is the occasional widening of her eyes.

  When I’m done, we sit in silence for a long minute, both of us absorbing the absurdity of my tale. Saying it all out loud does nothing to make this situation sound saner. If anything, I feel like I’m in an alternate reality.

  “So, Zev is the werewolf, Rune is the fae, and Darius is the vampire?” she asks, finally.

  I blink. “Yes.”

  She nods. “Makes sense. I vibe with that.”

  I blink again. “You… vibe with that?”

  “I mean, at first, I wasn’t sure if Rune or Darius was the vampire. They both have a bit of that energy, but I for sure knew Zev was a werewolf the moment I met him.”

  “What the hell are you going on about?” I ask. “When you met him?”

  AJ sighs, like she’s trying to explain something basic to a child. “I don’t know how you didn’t know what they were the moment they walked into the bar, B. It was super obvious. You think I bought any part of that story about them going to a medical convention together?” She rolls her eyes. “I have read enough books and seen enough TV shows to know the real deal when I meet it. First of all, no normal men are that incredibly hot unless their last names are Hemsworth. Second, I could smell it on them.”

  Now my eyes are surely bugging out of my freaking skull. “You could smell it on them. AJ, what does that even mean?”

  My best friend shrugs, all casual-like. “I dunno. They didn’t smell human.”

  She glances at me sharply, her perfect little nose scrunching in disgust. “Speaking of, momma, when did you last bathe.” It’s not even a question, just a clear testament to my current hygiene. And she’s not wrong, so I don’t argue when she drags me to the bathroom and begins running the tub.

  “Strip down. It ain't nothing I haven’t already seen. We need to clean you up before we go deal with the mess my dead husband left.”

  She’s so matter-of-fact about it all, I feel equally relieved and confused. Am I the only one surprised by the presence of the supernatural in our world? And what will the Sexies say when they find out AJ knows? I worry Darius will try his mind tricks with her, and no one is messing with my girl’s brain if I can help it.

  AJ hums as she works, adding bath salts and bubbles, and when I finally sink into the hot water, I moan in pleasure. My body truly feels like it’s been put through a military boot camp. Everything hurts, and I don’t even care if baths are recommended after birth or not. It feels too good to be bad for me. Plus, my new bath came with jets, which work perfectly to massage out some of my aches and pains as I soak.

  AJ washes my hair for me, bless her, and once I’m done and dressed in fresh clothes, I feel like a whole new person. Ready to face whatever awaits me on the other side of my bedroom door, more or less.

  Also, I need my baby back. Being apart from her is strange, after carrying her in me for so long. My body doesn’t feel complete without her. I glance at the clock and see it’s already afternoon. The day is slipping away, soon we’ll have to light candles because it doesn’t seem like the power is coming back by tonight. Thank God for the gas water heater.

  I can hear the three Sexies bickering as we walk into the living room together, though the scene that awaits us is not what I’m expecting.

  “This has nothing to do with her,” Rune says. He’s sitting in a rocking chair holding Rain so tenderly, my heart nearly melts.

  Darius and Zev are playing chess in the corner, which is strange because I thought they hated each other and I’m very certain I don’t own a chessboard. It’s also strange that Zev can transform from wolf to human and immediately become lust worthy again.

  “It certainly has something to do with her,” Darius says, not bothering to look at the fae as he studies his next move on the chess board. “She died trying to sort out this prophecy, and now the three of us are here, just as she foresaw.”

  Darius looks over at Rune now. “You think that’s a coincidence?”

  Zev clears his throat. “I think we should discuss this later.”

  “Discuss what later?” I ask, when it’s clear they won’t keep talking like I’m not in the room.

  “Nothing important,” Zev says with a grimace. “Just digging up old bones that should stay buried.”

  “Speaking of bones and being buried, what did you do with…” I was about to say, the body, but I glance at AJ to see how she’s doing first.

  “The body,” she finishes for me. “Where’s that asshole’s body?”

  Turns out my girl is holding her shit together better than I could have imagined.

  It also turns out John’s body is gone. It’s like it never happened. The floors are spotless, the ceiling is repaired, even the smell of burnt gunpowder is gone. The room now smells like cinnamon and apples, from something boiling in a cast iron pot over the fire.

  Darius, who was just sitting across from
Zev, is now standing before us in a blink.

  “Stop doing that,” I say. “Walk like a normal person unless it’s absolutely necessary.”

  He narrows his dark eyes, but nods. “We have handled the situation.” Then he glances at AJ. “All that remains is taking care of her.”

  I grip AJ’s hand harder. “I’ve told her everything. There’s nothing to take care of. She’s in the know and it’s gonna stay that way.”

  Zev growls under his throat and Rune looks up from the baby, but doesn’t make a move to intervene.

  Darius frowns. “That won’t be possible. The more people who know, the more dangerous this situation becomes for the child and you.”

  Before I can argue with him, his eyes begin to glow a faint silver and he speaks to AJ in a hypnotic voice. “You saw nothing and heard nothing. Your last memory is being downstairs at the bar. There was no gun shot, and you don’t know what happened to your husband.”

  AJ blinks, then begins to laugh. “Oh, this must be some vampire mind voodoo shit, right? I knew that was real. Yeah, sorry, buddy. Doesn’t work on me.”

  Darius’ face hardens and Rune chuckles under his breath.

  Darius tries again. “You will forget everything that happened.”

  AJ shakes her head. “Sorry not sorry, dude. But A for effort.”

  “Looks like you’ve lost your touch,” Rune says, amused.

  Zev stalks over, his muscles flexing like he’s on the prowl. He sniffs at AJ, who doesn’t seem to find this weird at all. Zev’s green eyes widen in surprise. “Hmmm. Seems like this one isn’t human.”

  Chapter Seven

  I’m shocked, confused, and conflicted. On the one hand, it’s a relief to know AJ’s mind isn’t open for vampire business. On the other, my best friend for as long as I can remember, the godmother to my only child, the one person in this world I can trust--isn’t human? What am I supposed to do with that information?

  “What?” I ask Zev, ready to throw a massive fit if he doesn’t elaborate.

  “Yeah, what?” AJ echoes.

  My head snaps to her, every sense I can control focused on studying her thoughts, expressions, and movements. I’ve always been able to read AJ’s tells, knowing when she lied about where she spent the night, what was going on with her dad, which boy she was making out with. Throughout all of that, at no point did I think, hang on, I wonder if she’s lying about being the same species as me.

  Even as I look her over, getting close enough to take a discreet sniff and see if I can smell whatever Zev smelled--I definitely cannot--AJ keeps her eyes on the werewolf.

  “What do you mean I’m not human? Bernie, what’s he saying?”

  AJ finally looks at me and sees how freaked out I am.

  “Are you… Bernie, are you freaking serious? Do you not think I’m a person?” The look of disbelief on her face makes me wonder if I am being a little crazy about this. “We’ve been having sleepovers since we were like five. We’ve gone skinny dipping a thousand times.”

  She’s not lying, but I’m not sure if anatomy is the defining human factor. After all, I’ve spent a fair amount of time thinking about the anatomy of my visiting Sexies, and I don’t want those fantasies to be dashed right now.

  “Why didn’t you fall under the spell, A? I’ll believe whatever you say, but I need you to help me understand.”

  She looks at me, then at Zev, then back and Darius, who’s still pretty steamed about having his mental advances rebuffed.

  “I mean… I don’t know. All he did was tell me to forget shit and it’s like, why? So you’re a gorgeous vampire, I don’t have to hand you the damn keys to my mind.”

  The logic doesn’t win me over, but analytics have never meant much in our relationship. Still, I need a second opinion.

  “Zev?” I ask, still wanting an explanation from the doctor with K-9 smelling powers.

  “Humans have a bitter smell,” he explains, eyes wandering over AJ. “The toxins from your body, the harmful chemicals your brains produce, the scent is almost overwhelming.”

  He walks back to AJ, very much invading her personal space as he places his nose at the base of her neck and inhales deeply. She doesn’t fight it at all, instead placing her hands on his hips to steady herself as she tilts her head to the side and gives Zev better access. From the way they’re standing, you wouldn’t know AJ’s husband died twenty minutes ago and Zev’s the one who killed him. As Zev takes in whatever otherworldly pheromone my friend’s producing, he keeps his eyes locked with mine. For the briefest second I imagine standing where AJ is, Zev’s face next to mine, his breath on my neck. A warm shiver runs through me and I shake my head to snap out of it.

  Zev steps back, his gaze returning to the woman he just inhaled. “She has no such smell. You may have human blood, but there’s more to you than that.”

  I need a break from this new reality, so I cross the room to take my baby back from Rune. She might be less than a day old, but she feels like the one constant I’ve got in life, now that I know AJ is an alien or a bird or a pile of crabs wearing a human suit.

  Darius comes in hot, wanting answers like the rest of us, but also with a personal bone to pick since AJ beat him in a game of mentalist. “Where are you from?”

  “I’m from Rowley, idiot.”

  Her immediate snark is so common for people in this area, it makes me think either Zev can’t handle the smell of New Englanders or I’ve grown up amongst nonhumans. Frankly, both options sound plausible.

  Rune’s been quiet to this point, observing with a blank face. When he stands and strides over to AJ, Zev and Darius clear the way, almost deferentially.

  “I sense nymph.”

  He speaks with a quiet authority. It’s a side of Rune I hadn’t seen until this point. He stares into AJ’s eyes while describing her to us.

  “She attracts, clearly. There’s fluidity, grace… and fire. That must be the human side.”

  Zev and Darius join the fae, the three of them all standing inches from AJ, whose body is tense but unmoving. My mind drifts again to a quick body swap, placing myself in the middle of that Sexy circle, but I push the thought out for fear of fainting.

  “It’s on the father’s side,” Darius speaks barely above a whisper.

  “How do you know?” asks Zev. It’s the first time I’ve seen the werewolf seek knowledge from another, and it adds another layer to his intelligent charm.

  “Because if the trait came from her mother,” Darius says, turning away from AJ to show his inspection has concluded.

  “...she’d know.” Rune picks up the sentence where Darius left off. “She had no example of who she was. No role model.”

  “Hey, blondie, maybe stop talking shit about my mom.” AJ’s heart is in the right place, even if she misses the point.

  I’ve still got no fewer than a million questions, but the Sexies seem pretty content with this reasoning. AJ’s a nymph, not on her mom’s side, case closed, I guess?

  “Hang on,” I finally chime in, not ready for this conversation to move to the next point. “How many nymphs and wolf people and, friggin’, I don’t know, orcs are living around me? Or is AJ, and AJ’s dad, are they the only ones?”

  “Certainly not the only ones,” Zev answers, reclaiming his role as the smartest man in the room. “But there are very few.”

  The werewolf walks into the attached kitchen, taking a glass and filling it with water from the sink.

  “A small number of Earthlings aren’t human,” he continues, “many concentrated in this area.”

  “What, in Rowley?” AJ asks. I can hear from the tenor of her voice that she’s not into the idea of other non-humans living in her town. She doesn’t want anyone cheapening her Nymphness.

  “Your world has a long history with paranormals,” Rune explains. “Centuries ago, when witches sought refuge in this region--”

  “Quiet, Rune,” Darius says with a roll of his eyes. “You sound like a tired professor.”


  “Someone had to pay attention during seminars, Prince Darius,” Rune fires back.

  “Hang on,” I say, not wanting the seminar detail to slip through the cracks. “You two went to school together?”

  “All three of us,” Zev says, walking over with his glass and joining the conversation. “We have a backstory that predates your country, Bernie.”

  “That’s right,” Darius says, a menacing look in his eyes. “Our friendship started lifetimes ago. Or at least one lifetime.”

  “We don’t need to have this conversation now,” Rune says, his anger starting to boil over.

  “Then when?” Darius asks. “Generations have passed. When will you feel comfortable talking about Cara’s death? Or are you happy to silently blame me until the kingdoms collapse?”

  A hush takes over the room, each man staring daggers at the others. It would appear that the Sexies not only have history, but some heavy history.

  “Later,” Zev says. “You deserve the conversation, Darius, but not right now.”

  And with that, the werewolf turns to AJ and shocks us all by throwing the water from his glass at her face.

  “What the… you son of a bitch!” As mad as AJ looks, she’s too startled to act on her anger, staying put while staring daggers at Zev.

  Darius moves over to look at AJ. Rune also looks from her face to the floor around her, giving the scene of the crime a thorough inspection.

  “Interesting,” Darius says.

  “Quite,” Rune agrees.

  “Water nymph,” Zev announces.

  “More like beat-your-ass-with-a-tire-iron nymph, you piece of--”

  “A.” I cut her off in part so she won’t start a fight with three superpowered beings, but also because of the sight before me.

  She might be livid, but AJ is completely dry. In front of her, there’s a perfect ring of water. Like she had a forcefield that repelled it and, save a few drops on her clothes, kept her from getting wet.