The Wrath of Cons

by Robert Kroese

The grass was not only growing before our eyes; it was growing above our knees and around our ankles. People had begun shifting their feet to keep from getting stuck in place.

  “Haha, don’t worry about that,” Pritchett said. “The intensity of the biogenic field will drop off dramatically any minute now.” He swatted at something on his neck. “Hey, look at that! We’ve got bugs! Isn’t that great? It’s like being in a planet-sized park! Do I hear one billion credits?”

  But the crowd, distracted by the burgeoning plant life and rapidly proliferating insects, seemed to have lost interest.

  “One billion!” shouted Rex.

  Chapter Fourteen

  Pritchett’s eyes went wide. He nodded weakly. Several of the other bidders, momentarily distracted from the jungle that was taking root in the tent, turned to see who had entered the fray.

  “Sir,” I said. “Why are you bidding on this planet?”

  “The Preening Palladium really sold me on it,” Rex said with a shrug. “I think it was the part about genetically modified superbeasts. And you know how I get about aluminum.” He had begun walking in place to keep the grass from getting a hold on him.

  I sighed. Hopefully we wouldn’t get stuck with a planet we couldn’t pay for. Fortunately, Rex’s bid seemed to get things moving again. In between swatting bugs and batting back the tendrils of vines that were now running along the tent poles, several beings in the crowd managed to get bids in. Soon, the price was up to one point five billion.

  “Five billion!” Rex shouted.

  Gasps went up from the crowd. Pritchett shot a glare at Rex.

  “Sir!” I said. “What are you doing? We don’t have that kind of money!”

  “Don’t need it,” Rex said.

  “Perhaps you misheard, sir,” Pritchett said. “The bidding was at one point five billion.”

  “I heard you,” Rex said. “Just trying to move things along. This auction is literally more boring than watching grass grow.” He was right about that: the grass was getting to be downright worrying. It had reached my knees, and I had to keep shuffling my feet to keep it from getting a hold on me. “You know what, make it ten billion.”

  “You’re bidding ten billion credits?” Pritchett asked in disbelief.

  “You sold me with the bit about axial tilt. I figure it’s gotta be worth at least a billion per degree. At eighteen degrees, ten billion is a bargain.”

  Pritchett stared at Rex. “Sir, this is an auction for serious bidders only.” He swatted a large insect that had landed on his forehead.

  “What are you trying to say?” Rex asked. “That I’m some kind of legendary con man?”

  “Excuse me?”

  “I mean, I’d hate to think anybody here was accusing anybody else of secretly being the most famous con man in the galaxy. That would really cast a pall over this whole enterprise.”

  Pritchett continued to glare but didn’t reply. Then he broke into a nervous smile. “We have ten billion. Do I hear ten point one?” But no one else in the crowd was paying any attention. Everyone was busy fighting the grass or swatting at insects. A few were working their way toward the exit.

  “Sir, what are you doing?” I asked.

  “Just having a little fun,” Rex said. “What’s the Palliative Punjabi going to do if I don’t pay? Have me arrested? If he tries anything, I’ll just tell everybody here who they’re dealing with. Everybody here has heard of the famed Paddington Pigpen. This is why I never bothered to get famous. It’s a liability. Every real con man knows that.”

  “Yes, sir,” I said.

  “Ten point one billion,” croaked someone near the front. Gasps and murmurs went up from those in the crowd who were still paying attention.

  “Sold for ten point one billion!” Pritchett exclaimed, before Rex could in get another bid.

  I craned my neck but couldn’t see who had made the winning bid. The squeaky, high-pitched voice seemed familiar.

  “Come on up and we’ll settle up with the paperwork,” Pritchett said. “I’m sure you’ll be just thrilled with your new planet. Everyone else, thanks for coming and keep an eye out for future auctions!”

  As the crowd continued to disperse, one man—apparently the winning bidder—made his way toward the stage, wearing a hooded brown cloak.

  “Well, that’s that,” Rex said. “Would have been nice to screw that bastard out of his profits, but you can’t win them all. At least we still have the Shiva plans and the zontonium.”

  “Yes, sir,” I said, absently. As the man fought his way through the grass to get to the stage, I racked my brain trying to remember where I had heard that voice.

  “Come on,” Rex said. “We can’t lose Pritchett again. Should have put a homing beacon on him like—”

  “Heinous Vlaak!” I cried, as the memory clicked into place. “Sir, we have to get Pritchett!”

  “Well, of course we have to get Pritchett. That’s what I just—”

  “No, sir, I mean right now. That man, the winning bidder. It’s Heinous Vlaak!”

  “By Space, you’re right!” Rex cried, drawing his lazegun. The hooded figure had made it up the stairs and was halfway to the podium. Pritchett gaped in terror as Vlaak threw off his cloak to reveal his customary crimson armor. Suddenly, the podium exploded in a flash of light. Pritchett was knocked on his rear.

  “Whoops!” Rex said. “I was aiming for Vlaak. Duck!”

  Vlaak drew his lazegun. Screams erupted, and the crowd scattered in all directions. Realizing we had no place to hide, Rex and I ran to the opening of the tent behind us and outside. Lazegun blasts sizzled overhead.

  Outside the tent, the jungle had grown even thicker. Green trunks as thick as my waist had shot out of the ground and continued to grow, splitting into narrower branches far above that exploded in bursts of feathery orange fronds. The ever-thickening grass was waist-high here, and dozens of other exotic plants had sprung up as well. The air buzzed with insects, and things like huge pterodactyls circled ominously overhead. Men, women and beings of indeterminate sex were clawing through the underbrush toward the landing field in the direction of the landing pad. I couldn’t even see the Flagrante Delicto.

  After working my way a few meters toward our ship, I realized Rex wasn’t behind me. As the rest of the crowd continued to flee, I stopped and turned back toward the tent. Rex was standing by himself, just outside.

  “Sir!” I shouted. “We have to get out of here!”

  He turned to look at me and then back at the tent, seemingly confused.

  “Sir!” I shouted again. “What are you doing?”

  Rex turned toward me again and shouted, “Why isn’t he following me?” The other bidders had all fled; nobody else was coming out.

  “Sir?”

  “Heinous Vlaak!” Rex shouted. “Didn’t he recognize me?”

  “Sir,” I said, making my way back toward him, “Vlaak’s not after you. He’s after Pritchett.”

  Rex looked at me as if I’d just asked him to stop drinking. “But I thought we were nemesises. Nemesi. I thought we were like, arch-enemies.”

  “You can’t take it personally, sir. Pritchett has the Shiva plans. I’m sure that’s what Vlaak is after.”

  Rex seemed doubtful. “I think maybe he couldn’t see me with that hood on. Should I go back in and try shooting him again?”

  “Seriously, sir, I’m sure he’d be chasing you if you had the Shiva plans.”

  “Well, sure, but what if neither of us had the Shiva plans? Then who would he chase?”

  “Sir, are you sure this is the best time for this discussion?” I swatted at a leafy tendril that was trying to wrap itself around my neck. The pterodactyls were now circling directly overhead.

  “I think maybe it was the hood,” Rex said.

  “That’s certainly a possibility, sir.”

  “Do you think it was the hood?”

  “No, sir.”

  “Okay, so if neither of us had the plans—”

 
“Sir, please.”

  “If neither of us had the plans, who would he chase?”

  “Sir, to be honest, if neither of you had the Shiva plans, there really wouldn’t be much reason for Vlaak to chase either of you.”

  “Okay, but if he had to chase one of us.”

  “There’s no way to say for certain, sir.”

  “If you had to guess though.”

  “If I answer you, can we please leave?”

  “Yes.”

  “If neither of you had the Shiva plans, I think he’d still chase Pritchett, but only because—”

  “Wow.”

  “Sir?”

  “Wow, okay. I’m going to need a moment here.”

  “Sir, you said we could go now.”

  “That was before your unprecedented betrayal.”

  “Sir, you didn’t let me—”

  “Forget it, Sasha. I see where your loyalties lie. I spend years showing you the wonders of the galaxy, treating you like a queen, only to have you stab me in the back.”

  “You don’t actually treat me that well, sir.”

  “And can you blame me, given your flagrant disloyalty and questionable judgment?”

  “I suppose not, sir. Can we go now?”

  “Not yet. We’ve got to find Pritchett. If that jerk gets away with those plans again, we’ll never… what in Space is that?”

  I’d become aware of it as well: the ground was rumbling beneath our feet. Had the Shiva device destabilized the planet’s tectonic plates?

  “Sasha, look!” Rex cried, over the now-deafening sound. Looking where Rex was pointing, I saw a huge six-legged lizard creature bounding through the jungle toward us. Its body was covered with red scales, and protruding from its head were four massive sets of pincers, each of which looked capable of ripping a hovercar to pieces. It was headed right for me.

  I tried to run, but in my moment of distraction I had allowed the grass to get a firm hold of my legs. Rex, who was similarly trapped, shouted something at me, but I couldn’t hear him over the sound of the creature smashing through the trees. With a great effort I managed to tear myself free of the grass, but the movement threw me off balance and I landed flat on my back in a patch of yellow flowers, which immediately shot several hundred spikey darts at my face. Poison, I assumed—not that it mattered. I’m immune to poison, but in about two seconds I was going to be torn to scrap metal anyway. I covered my eyes with my hands.

  There was a powerful blast of wind that would have knocked me over if I weren’t already on my back, and then suddenly everything was quiet. I cautiously took my hands away from eyes in time to see a something like a gigantic purple jellyfish floating away, gripping the lizard creature with its tentacles. I tried to get up, but found myself completely paralyzed: the grass had wrapped itself around my arms, legs, and neck. On top of everything else, I smelled something on fire.

  “Don’t worry, Sasha!” Rex cried, stepping into my field of view. He pointed his lazegun at my face. “I’ll save you. Isn’t this place great?”

  “Sir?” I said. “What are you—”

  A blast from the lazegun vaporized the grass near my neck.

  “Careful, sir!” I cried, remembering Rex’s attempt to hit Heinous Vlaak.

  “Don’t worry, Sasha,” Rex said. “I’ll have you out of here in a jiffy.” He fired again, this time singeing my arm. Miraculously, he fired three more times without doing any serious damage to my exterior, and I was able to tear myself free of the remaining strands and get to my feet. The jungle was so thick now that it was getting difficult to see. Unseen creatures cackled and howled in the foliage around us.

  “You know,” Rex said, surveying our surroundings, “I’m starting to think this planet isn’t safe.”

  “That would seem to be an accurate assessment, sir. I think the biogenic field has gone haywire. We need to get back to the ship.”

  “You’re not going anywhere,” squealed a voice behind Rex. Rex turned, and I saw that it was Heinous Vlaak. He was pointing a lazegun at us. “Where is he?”

  “I don’t have any idea who you’re talking about,” Rex said.

  “Hannibal Pritchett!” Vlaak snapped. “The Platinum Pigeon! Somehow he got away from me.”

  Rex shrugged. “Never heard of him.”

  “Listen to me, you two-bit grifter,” Vlaak snarled, “I know you’re working with Pritchett. He stole the Shiva plans from me. This is your last chance. Tell me where he is or die on this accursed planet.”

  “I have a better idea,” Rex said. “How about if you pucker up and kiss my—”

  As he spoke, the ground broke open in between us and a gelatinous blob oozed out of it, gradually forming itself into a roughly spherical shape nearly as tall as I was. For a moment, the three of us stood transfixed by the shimmering, translucent blob. Then it suddenly darted toward Vlaak, enveloped him, and sucked him into the hole. Vlaak and the blob had simply vanished.

  “Sasha?” Rex said quietly.

  “Yes, sir,” I said.

  “RUN!”

  We ran.

  We hadn’t gotten more than ten meters when another of the gelatinous blob things surged out of the ground just in front of us. Rex shot at it with his lazegun, but the blast seemed to have no effect. The blob lunged at us, and we leaped out of the way, Rex to the left and I to the right. Continuing in the general direction of the Flagrante Delicto, we fought against the ravenous grass, ducked under dive-bombing pterodactyls and dodged volleys of darts fired by the yellow flowers. I knew the Flagrante Delicto couldn’t be more than fifty meters away, but getting to it seemed impossible. Just making our way through the jungle would have been challenge enough without near-certain death awaiting us at every step.

  “What do we do, sir?” I asked. We’d found ourselves with a momentary respite in a small clearing. The grass was thinner here and there didn’t seem to be any of the dart-shooting flowers around. The pterodactyls overhead were engaged in a protracted dogfight with what looked like a giant, winged beaver.

  “I think… this might be it… for us,” Rex gasped. “If we don’t make it out of this… I want you to know….”

  “Yes, sir?”

  “…that I blame you for everything.”

  “Yes, sir.”

  Several explosions erupted overhead, and giant beaver parts began to hit the ground all around us. The pterodactyls shrieked and scattered as the Flagrante Delicto came into view.

  “Who the hell…?” Rex started.

  “Pepper?” I asked. But if Pepper had any sense, she’d already have taken off in her own ship.

  The Flagrante Delicto settled to the ground in front of us, just as two of the gelatinous blobs shot out of the ground nearby, one on either side of us. We sprinted toward the ship, and the two blobs collided with each other, momentarily forming one giant blob which then exploded into a thousand little blobs, which oozed and bounced toward us. The hatch slid open and we dived inside.

  “Get us out of here, Sasha!” Rex cried, as he slammed the hatch shut behind us. But before I could get to the cockpit, the thrusters fired and we were thrown to the deck. After several seconds of punishing gee forces, the acceleration let up enough for us to stand. We staggered into the cockpit as the ship left the atmosphere.

  Hannibal Pritchett turned to look at us from the pilot’s chair. “Hi, guys!” he said with a grin. “Thought you could use a little help.”

  “You son of a churl,” Rex growled. “We could have been killed down there! In like fifteen different ways!”

  “Well, yeah,” Pritchett said. “That’s why I rescued you. A little gratitude wouldn’t kill you, you know.”

  “Gratitude? What was all that, down there? You created a nightmare world!”

  “It does seem like the Shiva device has some…undesirable functionality,” Pritchett said. “And how about that Heinous Vlaak showing up, huh? Guess I should have vetted the invitations a little more carefully.”

  “Get out of that ch
air,” Rex snapped. “Sasha, you take over.”

  Pritchett climbed out of the pilot’s seat, and I took his place. Rex sat down next to me.

  “Where are we going, sir?”

  “To wherever this jerk hid our zontonium,” Rex said, jerking his thumb toward Pritchett, standing behind us. “The black market planet business was a bust, but at least we still have a fortune in zontonium.”

  “Um,” Pritchett said.

  “You said you hid the zontonium in a safe place,” Rex said, turning to face Pritchett. “Too risky to bring it here. That’s what you said.”

  “Um,” Pritchett said again.

  “You lying skorf-rat,” Rex said. “You left it on Oz, didn’t you?”

  “I meant to hide it somewhere else,” Pritchett said. “I really did. But I was a bit pressed for time with the auction, so I… left it in a cave on the other side of the planet.”

  “Moron!” Rex cried. He turned to me. “We have to go back.”

  “Sir, we can’t! The ecosystem down there is still evolving at an incredible rate. There’s no telling what sorts of horrors we might face on the other side of the planet.”

  “Ugh,” Rex said. “Don’t we have some kind of un-terraforming device to turn it back into an uninhabitable ball of rock?”

  “Not at present, sir,” I said.

  “The good news is that nobody else can get to it either,” Pritchett said.

  “Yeah, that is great news,” Rex said. “Hey, I need you to do me a favor and go into that little room at the back of the ship labeled ‘airlock.’”

  A woman’s voice came over the comm. “Rex? Sasha? Can you hear me?”

  “We can hear you, Pepper,” I said.

  “Thank Space. I thought you were goners.”

  “We survived, no thanks to you,” Rex said.

  “I was trying to find you,” Pepper said. “I guess Pritchett got to you first.”

  “The important thing is that we all survived,” I said. “Let’s rendezvous back on Sargasso Seven, and we’ll figure out what to do with Pritchett.”

  “I’m afraid there’s another complication we have to deal with first,” Pepper said.

  “Now what?” Rex groused.