The Wrath of Cons

by Robert Kroese

  “I just got a transmission from your Sp’ossel friends, Doctors LaRue and Smulders. They found the saloon.”

  “Blast it!” Rex growled. “So we’ve lost our planet-selling business, our zontonium and our secret hideout. Is there anything else that could go wrong?”

  “Yes, actually,” Pepper said.

  “Oh, no,” I said, realizing what she meant.

  “They’ve also got Donny and Boggs.”

  Chapter Fifteen

  The Sp’ossels had somehow figured out we had the Shiva plans and that we were working with Pepper. While we were at the auction, they had broken into her saloon on Sargasso Seven. They had sent Pepper a transmission claiming to be holding Donny and Boggs hostage and promising to let them go if we handed over the Shiva plans.

  “Why do the Sp’ossels even want the plans?” Rex asked. “What good is a habitable planet if everything on it is trying to kill you?”

  “The Sp’ossels may have the resources to subdue the ecosystem,” I suggested.

  “It wouldn’t be worth the expense,” Pritchett said. “And any kind of poison or radiation bombs capable of killing all the dangerous plants and animals on the planet would render the place uninhabitable again.”

  “Maybe the Sp’ossels don’t know about the problems with the Shiva device,” Pepper said.

  I considered this for a moment. We had been assuming that the Sp’ossels had caught wind of the auction. But maybe they had no idea Pritchett had a completed Shiva device.

  “If they don’t know about Oz,” I asked, “then how did they figure out we have the plans?”

  “No idea,” Pepper said. “The important thing is that we can use their ignorance against them. We can’t sell planets that nobody can use, so we might as well hand the plans over to the Sp’ossels in exchange for Donny and Boggs.”

  Rex frowned. “I don’t have to tell you guys how fond I am of Boggs and Donny, but… well, I’m also very fond of big piles of cash. Is there any possibility your engineer screwed something up when he built the device? Maybe he could build another one without the bio-whatever field problems.”

  Pritchett shook his head. “I’m afraid he built the Shiva device to the exact specifications in the plans. If he built another one, it would have the same problems as this one.”

  Rex sighed. “Fine. I guess we’ll trade the stupid worthless plans to the stupid Sp’ossels for Boggs and Donny.”

  “All right,” said Pepper. “They’re waiting for us at the saloon. I’ll meet you there.”

  *****

  “The prodigal sons have returned,” said Dr. LaRue with a smile, as the four of us entered the saloon. Dr. LaRue stood behind the bar, and Dr. Smulders sat at a barstool nearby, nursing a drink. Boggs and Donny were gagged and tied up in a corner. Two large men in white coats held lazeguns pointed at them. “I never thought I’d see the day that Rex Nihilo and the Platinum Pigeon were working together.”

  “Get out of there,” Pepper snapped at Dr. LaRue. Dr. LaRue shrugged and walked around the bar. Pepper walked past her with a glare, taking her place behind the bar. Pepper grabbed a bottle of whisky and poured a shot.

  “I’m not working with this idiot,” Rex said. “He’s only here because we didn’t have time to shoot him into a supernova on the way over. Now untie Donny and Boggs before I lose my temper.”

  “It seems even Rex Nihilo has a soft spot for his friends,” said Smulders with a smile.

  “Okay, let’s get one thing straight, here,” Rex said. “I’m only giving up these plans because we don’t want to deal with a thousand different species of man-eating—”

  “Sir!” I interjected, “I’m sure the esteemed doctors have more important things to do than listen to us complain about our troubles.”

  “Eh?” Rex said. “Oh. Yes. Right, like I was saying, these plans are worth a fortune! We could easily use them to make hundreds of habitable planets, each of them perfectly pleasant and devoid of murderous death-beasts, and it’s only my great affection for and loyalty to my two comrades here that I’m willing to part with the plans for a mere hundred billion credits.”

  “A hundred billion credits!” Dr. LaRue exclaimed. “We certainly programmed you well, didn’t we? I’m afraid there’s been a bit of a misunderstanding, however. You are going to hand over the Shiva plans, and I am going to instruct those gentlemen to untie your friends. That is to be the entirety of your compensation.”

  “And I get my saloon back,” Pepper said. “And you leave us alone.” She tossed the whiskey down her throat.

  “Of course,” Dr. LaRue said. “Simply hand over the plans and we’ll be on our way.”

  “Ninety-six billion,” Rex said.

  “I appreciate your persistence, Rex,” said Dr. Smulders, “but you have no leverage over us. I suggest you take the deal before we alter it to your detriment.”

  “Ninety-two billion.”

  “Ignore him,” Pepper said. “Sasha, hand over the plans.”

  I did as instructed, handing the memory crystal to Dr. Smulders.

  “You haven’t made any copies?” Smulders asked, inserting the crystal into a holoscreen he’d pulled from his jacket.

  “No,” I said.

  “Good. Because if we let you go and then find that you have gotten into the black market planet business, there will be… consequences.” He scanned the contents of the crystal and gave Dr. LaRue a nod.

  “Eighty-nine billion, and that’s my final offer,” Rex said.

  “We’ll see ourselves out,” Dr. LaRue said, exiting the bar. Smulders finished his drink and motioned to the two men with lazepistols. One of them cut the ropes around Donny and Boggs and then the four walked to the door.

  “If you ever set foot in my saloon again, I’ll vaporize the lot of you,” Pepper shouted as they left the bar. The door slammed behind them.

  “Why’d you let them go?” Rex asked. “Couldn’t you see I was wearing them down?”

  Boggs and Donny approached the bar. “I’m sorry, Potential Friend,” Boggs said. “They surprised us.”

  “It’s okay, Boggs,” Rex said. “The important thing is that you and Donny are safe. Donny, could you please stand where I can’t see you? Thanks.”

  “So,” Pritchett said, “what do you guys want to do now?”

  “What are you talking about?” Pepper asked.

  “I’m just saying, we make a pretty good team. We should try running some more scams together. If we work together, maybe we can get back the money we lost on the zontonium.”

  Pepper snorted derisively and poured herself another drink.

  “Look, Pritchett,” Rex said, “as a fellow con man, I appreciate your chutzpah, but you stole from us and cost us a fortune in zontonium. You think we’re going to go into business with you now? Not a chance. Scram.”

  “Come on,” Pritchett whined. “We were just having some friendly inter-con man rivalry. You can’t take it personally.”

  “Sure I can,” Rex said. “Watch how personally I’m taking it.”

  “Okay, I’m going to level with you,” Pritchett said. “I have no prospects and nowhere to go. I was really just hoping to tag along with you guys for a few weeks until I got back on my feet. Run a few low-level scams and whatnot. I don’t mind being your flim-flam man.”

  Rex shook his head. “First of all, I don’t know what a flim-flam man is. And second, I’m fresh out of pity for you. Get lost.”

  Pepper nodded. “You’ve cost us a fortune, Pritchett. You’re lucky we don’t space you. If you don’t make a nuisance of yourself, you can wait here until the next long-haul freighter stops by. That’s my final offer.”

  Pritchett nodded sadly. I couldn’t help feeling a little bad for the guy. In a lot of ways, he was like Rex: he didn’t know any way to live except to try to take advantage of everyone around him. It had to be a pretty lonely existence.

  Freighters didn’t stop at Pepper’s saloon very often these days, but as it happened, a freighter
pilot walked in less than an hour after the Sp’ossels left. Pritchett was too busy moping in a corner of the saloon to notice the man’s arrival, but Pepper cajoled the pilot into offering Pritchett a ride off planet. Pritchett reluctantly accepted, and he followed the man out of the saloon with a sad glance back at Pepper, who ignored him.

  “It’s too bad, really…” I started, a few minutes after he left.

  “Don’t start,” Pepper snapped.

  “I’m just saying, Rex and Pritchett are really very much alike. It would be nice if they could get along.” Rex had downed three martinis and had fallen asleep in Pepper’s office, so there was little risk of him overhearing.

  “One insufferable, narcissistic con man is enough for me,” said Pepper. “Don’t feel bad for Pritchett. Guys like him always land on their feet.”

  I nodded. “I hope he doesn’t try to run some kind of scam on that freighter pilot,” I said. “He seemed like a nice young man.” In fact, the man hadn’t fit my image of a freighter pilot at all. Most independent long-haul freighter pilots were smelly, unshaven and overweight. This guy was young and clean-cut, and he’d been wearing tan slacks and a white button-down shirt. All he’d had to drink was a ginger ale.

  “He did seem nice, didn’t he?” Pepper said, her brow furrowing. “Maybe too nice. Where did he say he was going?”

  “He said he was hauling a shipment of oorka feed to the Zannilox system,” I said.

  “Do they even farm oorkas on Zannilox?” Pepper asked.

  I did a quick hypernet search. “It would appear not. The oorka mating ritual requires a planet with active volcanic activity.”

  “So he lied,” Pepper said.

  “Why would he do that?”

  “Because he didn’t want us to know the real reason he stopped on Sargasso Seven.”

  “You think he came here specifically to pick up Pritchett? Why? And how did he know Pritchett was… oh. Oh, no.”

  “Oh, yes,” Pepper said. “I think we’ve been bamboozled again.”

  Chapter Sixteen

  We should have figured it out earlier. We would have figured it out earlier, if we hadn’t been so worried about Donny and Boggs—not to mention being distracted by our near-death experience on Oz.

  “There’s only one way the Sp’ossels could have known we were working with Pritchett,” Pepper said.

  I nodded. “Pritchett told them. Do you think he knew the Shiva device had undesirable side effect?”

  “Hard to say, but he definitely had a Plan B ready. He must have called the Sp’ossels from the Flagrante Delicto, before he rescued you. He didn’t want to cut us in on the deal, so he told LaRue and Smulders to come here so they could make a show of trading Boggs and Donny for the plans.”

  “You think they paid him for the plans? I didn’t see them give him anything.”

  “My guess is that that pilot delivered the money. I should have known something was up when that guy walked in.”

  “So Pritchett’s whining about wanting to team up with us had all been an act meant to defuse our suspicion.”

  “I told you not to feel sorry for him. Come on, we need to wake up Rex.”

  Pepper made some coffee and brought it to Rex. Once he was fully awake and mostly sober, we explained what had happened. Rex was not happy with the news.

  “PRITCHETT!” he roared, shaking his fist in the air. Boggs jumped so hard he scattered the game of Ravenous Ringworms he was playing with Donny.

  “How much do you think they paid him?” I asked Pepper.

  “If it’s a single credit, it’s more than we got,” Rex growled. “And it’s a hell of a lot more than that duplicitous flaffle-herder deserves. Where is he now?”

  “Fortunately, I logged the freighter’s call sign,” Pepper said. “I sent out some feelers, and one of my contacts reported the freighter just made port at Reebus Four.”

  “That’s not even close to the Zannilox system!” Rex cried. “What a bunch of lying liars those lying Sp’ossels are!”

  “So it would seem, sir,” I said. “Perhaps we can still catch up to him.”

  Pepper nodded. “I’ll close the bar. This time we stick together. Everybody, aboard the Flagrante Delicto.”

  *****

  Once on Reebus Four, we split up to search for the freighter pilot. Rex and I found him at a café not far from the spaceport. We sat down on either side of him at a little table where he sat drinking lemonade and eating a grilled cheese sandwich. He seemed downright terrified to see us.

  “Please,” he said, holding his greasy fingers in the air. “I’m just a freighter pilot. I’ve got a family. Once in a while I make some extra cash doing some favors for the Sp’ossels. I don’t know anything important.”

  “Relax, kid,” said Rex. “We just need to know where Pritchett is.”

  “Who?”

  “Hannibal Pritchett. The guy you picked up at the saloon.”

  “Oh. The Sp’ossels said not to tell anyone.”

  “Sure,” Rex said, “but as you’ve indicated, you’re just an innocent freighter pilot. You can’t be expected to stand up to hours of rigorous interrogation.”

  “You’re going to torture me?” the pilot asked weakly.

  “Of course not,” Rex said. “We only torture hardened Sp’ossel operators. You’re not one of those, right?”

  “No, sir.”

  “Exactly. And that’s why you’re going to fold like a cheap lawn chair. Do you know who Hannibal Pritchett is?”

  The pilot shook his head.

  “He’s the second greatest con man in the galaxy. And do you know why the Sp’ossels asked you to hand him three hundred million credits?”

  “It was eight hundred, actually.”

  “EIGHT HUNDRED MILLION CREDITS!” Rex exclaimed, loud enough that diners at several nearby tables turned to stare. “That greedy, underhanded little flurg-clamper. Do you know why the Sp’ossels asked you to give him that money?”

  “They just said he gave them something they needed to help spread the Sp’ossel message. Said that I should give him the satchel of credits and take him wherever he wanted to go.”

  “Well, Chet. Can I call you Chet?”

  “My name is Arvin.”

  “Chet, there’s a reason Hannibal Pritchett is one of the greatest con men in the galaxy—although not the greatest, as my robot sidekick can attest.”

  “Sir, perhaps we should stay focused on the—”

  “It’s because he’s always running some kind of scam. Even when you’re convinced you’re getting a square deal from him, he’s conning you. Did he offer you anything while you were traveling with him?”

  “Well, he did offer me a stick of cinnamon gum.”

  “Did you accept?”

  “I was eating sunflower seeds at the time, and I didn’t think cinnamon—”

  “You see! He knew you were eating sunflower seeds. He never had any intention of giving you any gum! You can’t eat sunflower seeds and chew gum at the same time! It’s madness!”

  “You mean…”

  “It was all a scam! A grift! A con! He was bamboozling you right before your very eyes! I bet he never even had any gum!”

  “I think I could smell it though.”

  “Of course you could! That’s just how smooth he is. He mentions cinnamon gum and the next thing you know, you’re smelling cinnamon gum!”

  “Wow.”

  “Wow indeed. Now I ask you: do you think a guy like that is going to give the Sp’ossels a square deal?”

  The pilot thought for a moment. “No?”

  “NO!” Rex cried, slamming his palm on the table. “Don’t you see? They were eating sunflower seeds and he had them smelling cinnamon!”

  The pilot seemed confused.

  “It’s a metaphor, Chet. Don’t hurt yourself. Here’s the thing: your Sp’ossel bosses thought they were buying a set of plans for a terraforming device. But the plans don’t work! It’s all a scam!”

  “So the
y paid him eight hundred million credits for something that doesn’t work?”

  “Bingo. Sunflower seeds and cinnamon, Chet. Now you’re seeing the big picture.”

  “Maybe I should warn them?”

  “Too late for that, Chet. That die has sailed. But what you can do is help us track Pritchett down and get that money from him.”

  “To give it back to the Sp’ossels, you mean.”

  “One thing at a time. First we need to know exactly where on Kelvex you dropped Pritchett.”

  “Actually it was Blintherd,” the pilot said.

  “Blintherd, right,” Rex said. “Where on Blintherd?”

  “He wrote down the coordinates for me,” the pilot said, pulling a scrap of paper from his pocket.

  “Excellent,” Rex said, snatching the paper. “We’ll take it from here, Chet. Oh, and it’s probably best for your sake that you don’t tell your Sp’ossel masters about this conversation.”

  “I don’t even know who you are.”

  “Oh, sorry about that,” Rex said, holding out his hand. “I’m Rex Nihilo, the greatest con man in the galaxy. Right, Sasha?”

  “So I keep hearing, sir.”

  *****

  As we neared the coordinates on the scrap of paper Rex had taken from the pilot, I began to suspect we’d been had. Blintherd was an unpleasant, barely habitable planet, and there was nothing around the target coordinates but swamp for hundreds of klicks.

  “It’s a hell of a hiding place,” Pepper said, as we descended through the atmosphere.

  I nodded. It was that, if nothing else.

  We exited the Flagrante Delicto and began to look around. Blintherd’s gravity was a debilitating one point four gees and its atmosphere was hot and humid. Dark green clouds hung oppressively in the sky. The landscape was swampy, and the air smelled faintly like rotting garbage.

  “Over here,” said Pepper. As we approached, we saw that she was standing in front of the mouth of a cave. It was just big enough for a person to walk inside. A dim light came from within.

  “Could be dangerous,” Rex said. “Sasha, check it out.”