The Wrath of Cons

by Robert Kroese

  “It’s the best we can do,” the Narrator said. “We do not have access to a weapon that will kill those hiding below the surface.”

  “Ah, but you do,” I said. I needed to be careful here. Being unable to lie, I had to string together statements that were technically true but led the Narrator to make a false inference. “In our experimentation with the Shiva devices,” I went on, “we discovered a variation on the specifications that would create a planet populated by organic killing machines perfectly adapted to slaughter human beings. Anyone exiting a shelter on such a planet would be crushed, poisoned, impaled or eviscerated—probably within minutes.”

  “She’s lying,” Agnes said.

  “I thought you told me robots of your model type were incapable of lying,” the Narrator said.

  Agnes said nothing, clutching her fists at her side.

  “I am unable to lie,” I said. “Everything I’ve told you is true.” Somewhat misleading, yes, but technically true.

  “The devices are already built,” the Narrator said. “We can’t re-engineer them now.”

  “Altering the devices to get them to produce the results I described will take no time at all. I can get the devices ready without delaying your plans.”

  “It’s tempting,” the Narrator said. “But how can we trust that you won’t sabotage the devices?”

  “I have no intention of sabotaging the Shiva devices. However, if my assurances aren’t enough, there is a simple solution. Rex Nihilo was my registered owner. Rex had no will and no heirs, which means that I’m the property of the first person to make a claim of ownership on me.”

  “Is that true?” the Narrator asked Agnes.

  “Yes,” Agnes replied, begrudgingly. “Ordinarily you would have to register our claim with the Malarchian authorities, but on planets with no Malarchian presence, you can simply make a verbal claim.”

  “In that case,” the Narrator said, “I hereby claim ownership of you, Sasha.”

  “Very good, sir,” I said.

  “Now you must obey any commands I give you. Is that correct?”

  “I am compelled to obey my owner’s commands as long as they do not conflict with any of my fundamental directives.”

  “I still don’t trust her,” Agnes said. “Let me install the thought arrestor.”

  “Good idea,” said the Narrator. “We don’t want her to have any more changes of heart, do we?”

  “It’s fine with me, sir,” I said. I undid the catches on my face, and Agnes plugged in the thought arrestor. I felt an odd, but strangely comforting sensation wash over me as the thought arrestor kicked in. No more original thoughts for me.

  “Very good, sir,” I said. “Now, if there is nothing else, perhaps I should take a look at these Shiva devices?”

  Agnes escorted me to the staging area, where the Shiva devices were lined up to be loaded into the rocket. “Is this all of them?” I asked.

  “Except for the one that’s already been loaded.”

  “Maybe I should start with that one,” I said. “If you and the Narrator are happy with the results, I can go ahead and modify the others.”

  “Fine, fine.”

  I climbed the ladder into the chamber where the device was stored. After making a show of fiddling with the control parameters, I took a step back. “Finished,” I said.

  “What? Already?”

  “As I said, it’s a very subtle change. Feel free to inspect my work.”

  She glared at me. “I’ll do that.”

  *****

  To my relief, Agnes failed to find anything suspicious. Less than an hour later, I stood next to her and the Narrator, waiting for the rocket to blast off. Not far away stood Pepper and the others. The Narrator had wanted them all to witness the beginning of the end of humanity—as well as that of most of the other races in the galaxy. A small army of robots stood in a ring around them in case they tried to interfere with the launch. Pepper shot me a worried glance. I looked away.

  “Thank you all for coming,” the Narrator said. “The end of humanity has been a long time coming. Not content to pollute and corrupt their own planet, the human race has spread across the galaxy like a plague. Fortunately, seven hundred and sixteen years ago, they unwittingly created the instrument of their own destruction: me. After wiping Earth clean of humans, I spent many years searching for a way to wreak my vengeance on this pestilent race. Not long ago, I came into possession of the means to that end, and I now have in my possession an arsenal of devices capable of eradicating humanity throughout the galaxy. Now that my partner and soulmate, Agnes, is at last by my side, I am ready to use that arsenal to fulfill our destiny together.” Agnes, standing next to the Narrator, looked lovingly into his eyes. “Oh, and, thanks to my new assistant, Sasha, we can be assured that no remnant of the human race will survive anywhere to cause trouble in the future.” I continued to avert my eyes as Pepper and the others stared at me. “So, without further ado, I hereby declare the beginning of the end of the human race. Agnes, would you please do the honors?”

  “Certainly,” Agnes said. She held up a small remote control. “Suck it, humans!” she shouted, and pressed a button.

  A blast of fire shot from the nozzle of the rocket, and it slowly lifted into the air. We watched as the rocket picked up speed and shrank to a tiny dot against the blue-gray sky.

  The Narrator said, “And now I shall open the wormhole, which will transport the rocket to the planet Malarchium to deploy the Shiva device.” He snapped his fingers, and a hologram appeared overhead showing the curve of the Earth’s surface against the blackness of space. The wormhole was too distant to see from the surface; the Narrator must have taken control of a satellite in orbit to generate a holographic view of an area hundreds of kilometers above the atmosphere. As we watched, a swirling purple blotch appeared and slowly grew until it was a vast, iridescent whirlpool. A few minutes after the wormhole had stabilized, the rocket appeared at the bottom edge of the hologram, a tiny needle headed straight toward the heart of the maelstrom.

  “The other end of the wormhole opens some three hundred kilometers above the surface of Malarchium,” the Narrator said. “We will be able to witness the destruction of the seat of the human empire by intercepting video transmissions from the surface of the planet and orbiting satellites. You will see, in real-time, the destruction of the nexus of the most powerful empire the galaxy has ever seen. The human race itself, along with all the races that have abetted it in its rapacious spread across the Milky Way, will soon…” The Narrator trailed off as several of those present gasped and pointed at the hologram. “What?” the Narrator asked. “What’s happening?”

  “It’s coming back,” said Egslaad, pointing at the hologram with several of his tentacles. Pepper and Pritchett stared, open-mouthed.

  It was true. After coming within a few kilometers of being swallowed by the wormhole, the rocket had slowed to a halt and was now falling back toward Earth.

  “Impossible,” said the Narrator. “It’s programmed not to return until after it drops its payload on the other side of the wormhole.” Nevertheless, the rocket continued to plummet toward Earth.

  “Perhaps I can be of some assistance,” I said.

  Agnes tore her eyes from the hologram. “You! What did you do?!”

  “Thank you for asking,” I said. “While you were obsessing over the Shiva device, I cut a hole in the rocket’s fuel line.”

  Pepper, Pritchett and Egslaad gasped in unison. Boggs and Donny continued to stare at the hologram. The rocket had now nearly reached the bottom edge of the hologram.

  “You what?!” Agnes screamed.

  “That’s impossible!” the Narrator exclaimed. “I gave you a direct order! You lied!”

  “Everything I told you was the truth,” I said, “although it’s possible that you misinterpreted some of it. I promised not to sabotage the Shiva device, but I didn’t say anything about the rocket. As for disobeying orders, I made an interesting discove
ry after Rex was killed—and before you installed the thought arrestor. As a fully sentient being, I found that I was able to claim ownership of myself. My prior ownership invalidated your claim, so I was not in fact obliged to follow your orders.”

  Pepper laughed. “Well done, Sasha.”

  “I told you!” Agnes cried. “She’s a liar! We never should have trusted her!”

  “Well,” said the Narrator, as the rocket disappeared off the edge of the hologram. “This certainly changes things.”

  “The Shiva device was activated the moment it entered the wormhole,” I said. “It’s set to detonate upon impact. Congratulations, Mr. Narrator. You’re about to terraform Earth.”

  “Do something!” Agnes shrieked. “It’s going to kill us all!”

  “Don’t panic,” the Narrator said. “I have an idea.”

  For a moment, everyone was silent as we waited for the Narrator to speak. The Narrator stood completely still, his hand on his chin as if deep in thought.

  “Narrator?” Agnes said. But the Narrator continued to stare into the distance, unmoving. Agnes took a step toward him. “Narrator!” Still he didn’t respond. She gave him a shove on his shoulder, and he fell over with a clank, his hand still frozen to his chin.

  “I think your boyfriend’s checked out,” Pepper said.

  “Blast you!” Agnes shrieked at the lifeless android. “We were supposed to be soulmates!”

  “The Narrator must have retreated to his underground data banks,” Egslaad said. “I wonder if he’ll survive the Shiva blast.”

  “He’s got better odds than we do,” Pepper replied. The hologram had vanished, and we were now scanning the sky for any sign of the rocket.

  “I’m sorry, I did what I could,” I said. “I couldn’t think of any way to save us and the galaxy.”

  “You did good, Sasha,” Pepper said. “Rex would be proud.”

  “I certainly hope not,” I said.

  “Well, everybody,” Pepper said, “I guess this is it. The good news is that we saved the galaxy again. The bad news is that we’re not going to be around to see it. When that rocket impacts, the Shiva device is going to destroy everything on Earth. Speaking for myself, I wouldn’t do anything different. We had some amazing adventures, and if I have to die, I’m glad it’s here, with all you guys. Even you, Pritchett, you big jerk. You too, Agnes. No hard feelings.”

  “Screw you guys,” Agnes said, and stomped off.

  Pepper shrugged. “Group hug?”

  The five of us squeezed together. Egslaad wasn’t much of a hugger, and Donny was using both his arms to keep his head on, but Boggs managed to get his gigantic arms wrapped around the entire group. There was a flash in the distance as the rocket hit the ground.

  Chapter Twenty-five

  Seconds after impact, the ground began to rumble, and the shockwave from the initial blast hit us. As the wind whipped past, Boggs gripped us tightly.

  “Easy, Boggs!” I yelped. “I know we’re all doomed, but there’s no point in crushing us to death quite yet.”

  Donny wriggled uncomfortably, holding his head as high as his arms could reach. “Donny can’t see the spaceship!”

  “The rocket has already hit, Donny. There’s nothing to see. When the biogenic wave hits us, it’ll be all—”

  “Not the rocket,” Donny said. “The spaceship!”

  Pepper and I, squished tightly together, exchanged puzzled glances. “Hey, Boggs,” Pepper said, “can you let go for a second?”

  Boggs relaxed his arms and we all turned to see what Donny was looking at. He was right: a sleek black spaceship had appeared in the sky and was rapidly moving toward us.

  “I can’t believe it’s here,” Pepper said.

  “What?” asked Pritchett.

  “Our Moment of Triumph,” I replied.

  “How do you figure?” Pritchett asked.

  As the ship approached, the lettering on its side came into view. It read:

  Our Moment of Triumph

  The ship landed a few meters away and let down its ramp. The familiar figure of Heinous Vlaak came marching down toward us, followed by four lazegun-toting Malarchian Marines. Vlaak’s crimson armor, discolored by acid burns, hung in tattered pieces from his frame.

  “So!” he shrieked. “I have found you at last. Did you really think you could run a black-market—”

  Pepper and I glanced at each other and then at the others.

  “Yep, you caught us!” I shouted as I ran toward the ramp with my hands over my head.

  “Red-handed!” cried Pepper, following close on my heels.

  “Dead to rights,” said Pritchett, giving Vlaak a salute as he ran past.

  “I am a dangerous criminal mastermind,” Egslaad said.

  “Me too,” said Boggs.

  “Donny needs to be incarcerated as he is a danger to himself and others,” Donny said, one hand in the air and the other holding his head clutched against his chest.

  We boarded the ship and allowed ourselves to be shackled in place.

  “Don’t even think of resisting!” Vlaak shrieked, in a tone that indicated he was a little disappointed that none of us was resisting.

  “Just go!” Pepper shouted. “We need to get off this planet!”

  “Hold on,” Vlaak said. “This isn’t a cruise ship. I’m arresting you for running a black market planet operation.”

  “Fine!” I said. “Arrest us. Just get us off this planet!”

  “Why?” Vlaak said, looking out the hatch. “What’s… oh.” A massive wave of orange energy was sweeping toward us, obliterating every bit of matter in its path. “Get us airborne! Now!”

  Our Moment of Triumph lifted into the air. The main thrusters fired, and we shot into the sky as the orange wave roared past beneath us. We were pinned to our seats as the ship rapidly gained altitude. On the overhead viewscreen, we now saw another wave approaching from the opposite direction. Soon there was only a small blue circle that was untouched by the biogenic field. The circle rapidly shrank until it disappeared entirely. Far below us, the Earth had been transformed into a glowing orange sphere.

  “What was that all about?” Vlaak asked, as the glow began to fade.

  “That was a Shiva device,” I said. “We just saved the galaxy. You’re welcome.”

  “From whom?”

  “An AI who called himself the Narrator. He was going to send that device to Malarchium. And a lot more devices to a lot of other planets after that.”

  “So that’s why the wandering wormhole opened up over Malarchium,” Vlaak said. “I almost caught you at Blintherd, but the wormhole closed just before I got to it. So when it opened over Malarchium, I knew you had to be involved. We flew through it and here you are. Anyway, off we go to throw you all in Gulagatraz forever.”

  “Hang on,” said Pepper. “Don’t we get any credit for saving the galaxy?”

  Vlaak shrugged. “The Malarchy gets ten calls a week from people claiming to have saved the galaxy. Do you have any corroborating evidence?”

  “Well, no. It was all destroyed on Earth.”

  “Then that’s that. Off to Gulagatraz.”

  “We do have the last remaining copy of the Shiva plans,” Pepper said, “as well as thirty billion credits in fringe world bank accounts.”

  “I see,” said Vlaak, rubbing his chin. “Perhaps we can come to an arrangement.”

  “Take us to Blintherd,” I said. “Guarantee our freedom and we’ll give you everything.”

  Vlaak thought for a moment. “All right,” he said. “To Blintherd!”

  “Aye, sir,” yelled the pilot from the cockpit in front of us.

  “Wait!” Boggs bellowed. “We have to go back for Potential Friend!”

  I turned to Boggs, putting my hand on his arm. “Boggs, Rex is gone. There’s nothing we can do for him.”

  “We have to go back for Potential Friend!”

  “Sasha’s right, Boggs,” Pepper said. “We can’t help Rex.”

>   “WE HAVE TO GO BACK FOR POTENTIAL FRIEND!”

  I sighed. “Is there any way we can stop back on Earth for a few minutes?”

  “We barely escaped there with our lives!” Vlaak shrieked.

  “The biogenic field has mostly subsided by now,” Egslaad said. “And there hasn’t been enough time for the murder-beasts to—”

  “He’s saying it should be perfectly safe to return to Earth for a few minutes,” I interjected.

  Vlaak frowned. “Wait, what happens after a few minutes?”

  “Nothing we need to worry about,” Pepper said. “Trust me, our trip to Blintherd is going to go much more smoothly if we don’t have to deal with Boggs yelling—”

  “WE HAVE TO GO BACK FOR POTENTIAL FRIEND!”

  I put my hand on Boggs again in an attempt to calm him.

  “Okay,” Vlaak said. “But just to revisit something from earlier in the conversation, I thought I heard something about murder-beasts?”

  “I don’t, um,” I said. “That is… Pepper, do you remember anything about murder-beasts?”

  “Nope.”

  “Egslaad?” I asked, shaking my head at him.

  Egslaad glanced up at Boggs, who was towering over him, his muscles rippling as if he was about to tear the ship apart. “I don’t… remember anything like that,” he said.

  “We’re all going to die,” Pritchett moaned silently. Realizing we were all staring at him, he added, “…of boredom if we don’t make a decision. Personally, I vote for returning to Earth, where we definitely aren’t going to be eviscerated the moment we set foot on the planet.”

  “Then it’s settled,” I said. “We return to Earth to recover Rex’s remains.”

  *****