The Wrath of Cons

by Robert Kroese

  Ten minutes later, we were back on Earth, picking our way through the rubble of The City. All that remained where massive buildings once stood were low piles of featureless rubble. Marble columns and steel beams had turned to dust. Tiny plants were already beginning to sprout from the newly created soil. We didn’t have much time.

  “This way!” Boggs shouted, setting off in an apparently random direction. Having no better options, we followed, with Vlaak and his marines bringing up the rear. Vlaak’s pilot had set Our Moment of Triumph down exactly where he’d taken off from, as far as that was possible to determine: Earth’s magnetic field was still in flux, and all visible landmarks had been destroyed. As we walked, I tried to associate some of the larger piles of rubble with buildings, but it was hopeless. There just wasn’t enough left to make any sense of the topography. There was no sign of either the Flagrante Delicto or Bad Little Kitty. Both had presumably been disintegrated in the blast.

  All we could do is follow Boggs until he gave up his quixotic quest or we were devoured by whatever nightmare creatures the Shiva device produced this time around.

  “You’re certain this isn’t dangerous?” Vlaak asked me, as he danced to avoid a vine that was trying to wrap itself around his right leg.

  “Not nearly as dangerous as it’s going to be,” I said. “Boggs, this is pointless. Even if there’s anything left of Rex’s body, we’ll never find it.” Lazegun fire erupted behind me as the marines opened up on a pack of fanged, possum-like creatures that were following us. Meanwhile, Boggs had come to a halt. He was scanning the ground near his feet, a confused look on his face.

  “Boggs, we need to go,” Pepper said. “It’s not safe here.”

  “I’ve made a terrible mistake,” Vlaak murmured, watching as hundreds of the possum-things began to pour out of the rubble around us.

  “It should be right here,” Boggs said.

  “There’s no way to know where we are, Boggs,” I said.

  “Sasha’s right,” Pepper said. “This is like looking for a needle in a—”

  “Donny finds a hole,” Donny said.

  We all turned to look. Donny was peering into a dark hole a little larger than his head.

  “Let me take a look, Donny,” I said, walking up to him. Donny stepped aside, still holding his head in his hands. Using my infrared vision, I scanned the hole. It appeared to extend several meters down. It was possible it led to the vault where Rex’s body was stored. It was also possible that it was a portal to Wonderland.

  As the possum-like creatures continued to proliferate, we huddled together around the hole. The marines formed a ring around us, blasting away at the animals. Malarchian marines were, to a man, terrible shots, but they kicked up enough dust and rubble to keep the creatures at bay for the moment.

  “I have an idea,” Egslaad said. “Does anybody have any rope?”

  “You!” Vlaak shrieked, grabbing one of the marines by the shoulder. “Rope!”

  While the others continued to blast at the encroaching carnivores, the man set down his pack and riffled through it to find a length of duracord. He handed it to Vlaak, who handed it to Egslaad.

  “Donny, your head,” Egslaad said.

  Donny reluctantly handed his head to Egslaad, who tied the end of rope around it and then lowered it into the hole.

  “What do you see, Donny?” Pepper asked.

  “Donny sees black,” came Donny’s faint voice from the hole.

  “Turn on your infrared,” I said.

  “Oh!” called Donny. “Donny sees a room.”

  “What does it look like?”

  “It’s a spinning room,” Donny said. “Donny doesn’t feel so good.” Next to me, Donny’s body had begun staggering in circles.

  “Sorry,” Egslaad said. “I’m trying to hold it still.”

  “Do you see Rex’s body?”

  “Donny sees… a big plastic box. Donny thinks it’s broken.”

  “Broken?” I asked. “Is Rex’s body inside it?”

  “Donny doesn’t think so. Donny needs to go farther down.”

  Egslaad let out another meter of cord. Around us, the marines continued to blast away at the possum-things.

  “Donny sees…” the last word was too muffled to hear.

  “Say that again, Donny,” I said. “What do you see?”

  He repeated the word, but I still couldn’t make it out.

  I think he said “gravy,” Pritchett said.

  “Gravy?” Pepper said. “Why would there be gravy in an underground cavern?”

  “Maybe there are potatoes,” Boggs said. “Potatoes grow in the ground.”

  “…down,” Donny shouted.

  “He wants you to let him down more,” I said.

  Egslaad nodded and let out more rope. There were some faint scuffling sounds from the hole, and then Donny murmured something we couldn’t make out.

  “Say that again, Donny!” I shouted.

  Again there was a faint murmur. I looked to Pepper, who shrugged.

  “What do we do?” I asked.

  “Whatever it is, do it fast,” said Vlaak. The possum things had suddenly scattered, as if seeking cover. The marines nervously shifted their aim, trying to figure out what had spooked the creatures. Something was coming, and it was going to be far worse than carnivorous possums.

  I felt a tap on my shoulder. Turning to look, I saw Donny’s body, sans head. He was pointing up. For a moment, I panicked and threw my arms over my head. But the sky was clear.

  “Up!” I shouted. “Pull him up!”

  Egslaad began to pull on the cord. As he did, I heard a rumbling in the distance. Looking toward the sound, I saw a dust cloud on the horizon. It was moving toward us, fast.

  “Hurry!” I cried. “Faster!”

  The ground had begun to shake, and I started to worry the earth was going to collapse underneath us. Something was now taking shape on the horizon behind the dust cloud.

  “Sandworms,” Pritchett said. “It had to be sandworms.”

  At first confused by his use of the plural, I soon saw several more dust clouds dotting the horizon. They all seemed to be heading directly toward us.

  “It’s stuck!” Egslaad cried. The ground had shifted enough to narrow the gap, making it impossible to get Donny’s head through.

  “Leave him,” Vlaak said. “To Our Moment of Triumph!”

  Chapter Twenty-six

  Heinous Vlaak marched in the direction of the ship, the marines following him.

  “Sasha,” Pepper said, staring at the oncoming worm horde, “we need to go. Now.”

  “We can’t leave Donny,” I said.

  “I don’t think we have much choice,” Pritchett said. “If we don’t leave now, we’re all going to be sandworm fodder.”

  Suddenly Boggs shoved me out of the way and knelt down in front of the hole. He put his hands into the hole and began clawing at the crumbling rock.

  “Careful, Boggs!” Pepper said. Dirt and pebbles rained down on Donny’s head, which was just visible about half a meter down. The sound of the sandworms was deafening. I didn’t dare look to see how close they were. At last, Boggs leaned back, his fingertips bloody. “PULL!” he shouted, barely audible over the roar of the sandworms.

  Egslaad pulled, and Donny’s head emerged from the hole. In his mouth was the end of something pudgy and pink.

  “That doesn’t look like gravy,” Boggs shouted.

  Egslaad pulled the pink thing the rest of the way out of the hole and lay it on the ground. It wriggled and appeared to be screaming, but we couldn’t hear it over the sandworms. For a moment, we sat there staring at it, stunned.

  “DONNY THINKS WE SHOULD RUN!” Donny shouted, picking up his head.

  He had a point. I picked up the wriggling pink creature and we ran.

  The sandworms were almost on us now; dozens of them coming from every direction, stirring up so much dust we could barely see. Ahead of me, I spotted the flare of rocket engines. Our Momen
t of Triumph was taking off. Turning on my infrared so I could see through the dust, I sprinted toward the glare of the rockets. The ship was already several meters in the air, its ramp still retracting. Heinous Vlaak watched us from the open doorway, waving.

  Donny stopped beside me, holding his head with the duracord wrapped around it.

  “Donny, your head!” I shouted.

  By this point, Donny was so used to parting with his head for the greater good that he didn’t even hesitate. I took hold of the end of the cord and hurled his head as hard as I could. It soared through the opening, lodging itself inside as the hatch closed. I wound the end of the cord around my hand. “Hold on, Donny!”

  As I was pulled off the ground by the ascending spaceship, Donny wrapped his arms tightly around my legs. His feet were nearly two meters off the ground when Boggs, emerging from the dust storm, grabbed his ankle. When Boggs was lifted into the air, Pepper grabbed onto him, still cradling the screaming pink creature in her left arm. Pritchett and Egslaad followed. Below us, three sandworms the size of freight trains slammed into each other, exploding in a mass of green worm guts. We’d survived.

  And soon we were going to die in the vacuum of space. Well, Donny and I would be fine, assuming we could keep holding on, but the others were going to have a rough time of it. And by the look of things, Pepper wasn’t going to be able to hang on much longer.

  As I weighed my options—hold on and doom Pepper and the others to a quick death or let go and die along with them—I realized Our Moment of Triumph was descending. Either Vlaak wasn’t as bad a guy as I thought he was or he wasn’t sure he could make a hypergeometric jump with a bunch of people hanging off the side off his ship. My money was on the latter.

  Pepper let go as soon as Egslaad hit the ground. Donny and I held on until it was clear Vlaak really was going to land.

  Our Moment of Triumph set down, and the hatch swung open. “Okay, okay, get in!” he shrieked. We ran aboard, and the ship lifted off again, barely avoiding the gaping maw of an approaching sandworm.

  “You’re turning into a big softie,” Pepper said to Vlaak.

  “I only picked you up for the thirty billion credits you’ve got stashed—what is that?” He was pointing to the little pink creature Pepper was holding.

  “It would seem,” Egslaad said, “to be a human infant.”

  “What in Space was a baby doing down there?” Pritchett asked.

  Pepper shook her head. “I can’t begin to imagine.”

  “I have a theory,” I said.

  Everyone turned to look at me.

  I regarded the baby for a moment. “The Shiva device takes dead matter and transforms it to create new organisms,” I said. “Generally it destroys everything within its range before reorganizing the matter. But if a piece of matter were right on the edge of the field, say in a stasis chamber in an underground vault, the effect would be more subtle. Rather than completely destroying the matter, it might simply reshape and revitalize it.”

  “Whoa,” said Pritchett. “You’re saying…”

  I nodded. “I think this baby is Rex Nihilo.”

  Pepper stared at the baby’s face in amazement. “He does look… kind of familiar.” The baby had blue eyes and a thick head of curly blond hair. I had to admit, he was rather adorable. He looked from Pepper’s face to mine and erupted into tears.

  “You scared him, Sasha,” Pepper said.

  “I think he’s hungry,” I replied. “If he’s growing at anything close to the rest of the life on Earth, he’s got to be famished.”

  “I will find it some food if it will stop making that noise,” Vlaak said. “You! Get me a package of the blandest marine rations you can find.” The man produced a packet of some kind of fruity mush. Pepper tore open the package and put a little on her finger. She held it up to baby Rex’s mouth and he swallowed it and then continued to suck on Pepper’s finger.

  “Oh, look at that,” Pepper cooed. “He’s latched on.”

  There was a long, uncomfortable silence. “Here, Sasha,” Pepper said, handing Rex to me. “Your turn.”

  “Right, then,” Heinous Vlaak said. “To Blintherd!”

  Chapter Twenty-seven

  Baby Rex grew more rapidly than we imagined. Before Vlaak’s pilot had calculated a hypergeometric route to Blintherd, Rex was effectively a teenager. Fortunately he’d stopped soiling himself every five minutes, and we’d managed to get a bathrobe on him before he reached puberty. His motor skills seemed to advance along with his physical growth, but his mind was a blank. He couldn’t speak, and when we talked to him, he just stared at us. When he got hungry, he burst into tears.

  “This is absurd,” Pepper said, regarding Rex, who was strapped into a seat at the rear of the cabin, picking his nose with an idiotic grin plastered on his face. “What are we supposed to do with him? In a few hours he’s going to be a full-grown adult human, and he’s got the mental capacity of a Yintarian root grub.”

  “I like young Potential Friend,” said Boggs. “I will take care of him.”

  “Donny helps,” said Donny. “Donny will be the sort of family friend who is affectionately called ‘Uncle Donny.’”

  “That’s very sweet, guys,” Pepper said, “but taking care of a baby con man is a huge responsibility.”

  “We have a bigger problem,” Egslaad said. “Rex’s rate of growth doesn’t seem to be slowing. In a few hours, he’s going to be an old man. And then….”

  Pepper shot a glance at Egslaad.

  “And then a very old man,” Boggs said. “It’s okay. Me and Donny can take care of old Potential Friend too.” Donny, who’d managed to get his head stuck back on his body, nodded cautiously.

  “Is there any way to stop him from growing?” I asked.

  “Maybe,” Egslaad said. “I can try to reverse the polarity of the biogenic field on one of the Shiva devices in the lab. But we have to hurry.”

  “Vlaak,” Pepper said, “how long until we can make the jump to Blintherd?”

  “The navigator has just finished plotting the hypergeometric course,” Vlaak said. “We will be jumping shortly.”

  “Okay, everybody,” I said. “Strap in. Vlaak, the sooner you can get us to Egslaad’s lab, the sooner we can get you those bank account numbers.”

  *****

  Less than an hour later, we were back at Egslaad’s lab. While Pepper handed over our books and the Shiva plans to Vlaak, I helped Egslaad pull apart one of the unfinished Shiva devices. Meanwhile, Donny and Boggs kept Rex entertained by trying to teach him how to play Ravenous Ringworms. Rex’s tendency toward avarice had already begun to assert itself; Egslaad and I spent ten minutes looking for an irreplaceable part for the Shiva device before finding it inexplicably wedged between Rex’s buttocks. The game of Ravenous Ringworms ended abruptly when Rex swallowed one of the plastic ringworms and Boggs nearly killed him with the Heimlich maneuver.

  “Bring Rex over here!” Egslaad shouted. We hadn’t had a chance to do any testing on the hastily constructed anti-biogenic field generator, but we couldn’t afford to wait much longer. Rex had already nearly reached the age he’d been when we’d crashed on Earth. We weren’t sure how long the process would take, or whether we’d have to make several attempts. He could very well die of old age while we were still trying to work out the bugs.

  We led Rex to a chair and sat him down. Egslaad pointed the field generator and flipped a switch. Rex smiled stupidly as he was engulfed in a blue glow. He reached for a wrench Egslaad had left on the table and I grabbed it away from him before he managed to get it into one of his orifices. Rex burst into tears.

  “Nice doing business with you,” Heinous Vlaak called from across the lab. He ducked outside holding a stack of ledgers under his arm: the details of all our bank accounts and business transactions since we got into the black market planet business. For a brief moment, we’d been insanely wealthy. And now, thanks to me, we’d lost everything. And soon Rex would probably be dead. Again.
>
  Rex had stopped crying, but now his body began to jerk violently. His eyes went wide and he began to make a sound like he was choking.

  “What’s happening?” I cried.

  “I don’t know!” Egslaad said, looking over the field generator. “Maybe I set the intensity too high? Maybe the oscillation vectors weren’t properly calibrated? Maybe reversing the polarity ionized the disposition matrix, causing the radiation dampeners to—”

  Rex coughed loudly and something fell to his lap.

  Boggs walked over and picked it up. “Ringworm,” he said.

  We gave a collective sigh of relief.

  Egslaad looked over the readings on the field generator. “If I’m reading this correctly,” he said, “the accelerated aging has been arrested.”

  “You mean…?” I asked.

  “Rex isn’t going to die. At least, not any sooner that he was going to before.”

  “POTENTIAL FRIEND LASTS FOREVER!” Boggs cried.

  “Something like that,” I said. “Unfortunately, he’s still a moron.”

  Rex burst into tears again.

  “Sasha,” Boggs chided, “don’t say mean things about Potential Friend.”

  “He can’t understand me, Boggs. He’s just hungry again.”

  Pepper went to get Rex some food. Rex still couldn’t chew very well, but we found that if we put a bowl of mush in front of him, he could eat more-or-less unassisted, as long as we kept small non-food objects out of his reach. While he sucked down his slop, we tried to figure out what to do with him.

  “Do you think,” I asked, “if we teach him how to speak and… well, everything else, he’ll have the same personality as before?”

  “He does seem to have some of the old Rex’s proclivities,” Egslaad said, as Rex slowly worked the end of a spoon into his nasal cavity. “Albeit in a somewhat primitive form.”

  I snatched the spoon away and Rex began to sob.

  Pepper shrugged. “Do we even want him to have the same personality as before?”

  “I don’t know,” I said, setting the spoon out of Rex’s reach. “I mean, sure, Rex was a pain in the ass, but… Rex was Rex.”