Seeking Refuge

by Lenora Worth

  Tobias leaned against the wall, inches from her. His knees folded up like hers, his hand warm over hers. His fingers settled against her own in a way that offered protection and peace and a safe place.

  Josie sat still and quiet, her tears a silent stream of overflowing agony.

  She ached to be held, to be touched, to be loved. Ached to hold Dinah again and to see her brother and Raesha smiling and laughing with their kinder.

  The unbearable pain crested inside her, and when she thought she would drown in it, Tobias moved closer and gently pried her hands away, his fingers wrapping around hers in a soft, strong grip.

  “Josie,” he said. “Josie.”

  She let go and turned toward him, falling into his arms and holding tight as he surrounded her, his arms pulling her close, his broad shoulders offering her a place to lay her head, his presence covering her in such a safe comfort she thought she might die from the sheer beauty of it.

  “It will be all right,” he whispered. “I am here and I will not let anyone hurt you ever again.”

  Josie heard his promise, so she held to him with all her might, thinking this was the first time she’d felt safe since the night Drew had ruined her life.

  She didn’t speak. There was no need. Tobias provided the quiet comfort and security she remembered so well. She loved the scent of him—the smell of pine and cedar and soap. She loved the way his steady breath calmed her and settled her.

  She loved this.

  But she didn’t know how long this could last.

  So even though this felt right, Josie couldn’t let go completely. Something else would come along and destroy her all over again. It always did, didn’t it?

  Tobias finally spoke again after a quiet silence. “I am so sorry, Josie. So sorry for what I caused.”

  She lifted up to stare at him. “Why would you be sorry?”

  “It is my fault,” he said. “I took you to Drew’s house that night, and I wandered off and left you alone. He took advantage of that and he...took advantage of you in a way that can never be forgotten. Or forgiven.”

  He held her away, his eyes full of grief and regret.

  “I understand why you didn’t want me back in your life. I remind you of that night when I wasn’t there to stop Drew. I understand why you can’t love me anymore. I will respect that and leave you be, but I’m not going anywhere, Josie. I’ll be right here waiting, if you can ever forgive me.”

  Then he stood and helped her up.

  Shocked and confused, she shook her head. “Tobias, I—”

  “Neh, don’t explain. I get it now.” He glanced over at the Bawell house. The lamps had been lit and shimmered through the windows, the glow of a family reaching out into the dark night.

  “I should get you home. I’m sure Jewel is wondering what happened to me.”

  Josie couldn’t speak. He thought she didn’t want him because this was his fault? How wrong could a man be?

  How could she show him differently when she’d pushed him away and ignored the truth and the lies between them? She’d also ignored what had been glaring at her the whole time. Tobias was a good man and she loved him. She’d fought so hard against loving him that she’d almost forgotten she was allowed to feel what her heart couldn’t hide. Now it might be too late for them.

  But this was Tobias. He’d absorb the blame to take the weight off of her even when he hadn’t been to blame. He had been nearby and unaware that night, true. But that didn’t make this his fault. Had she secretly been harboring blame for him because he’d stepped away from her?

  Neh. Drew had made her believe Tobias was looking for her that night.

  Tobias had had no way of knowing that.

  And yet now he blamed himself.

  Josie didn’t argue with him. Instead, she said a silent prayer for guidance and help. And she promised herself she’d win him back and make him see that he had done nothing wrong.

  Tobias had done everything right. Somehow she had to convince him of that. But with everything between them, she had no idea how she could possibly make him see reason.

  Chapter Seventeen

  When they got back to the house, Tobias found Jewel eating supper with Josiah, Raesha and Naomi. Dinah was sitting in Jewel’s lap, tugging at the elaborate charms on Jewel’s heavy necklace. Baby Daniel cooed from his high chair.

  Jewel looked up with a smile when he guided Josie back through the door. Josie had remained quiet on the short walk back, so he took that to mean she’d accepted what he’d told her.

  He took full blame and now he understood that she blamed him, too. Deep down inside, she had to feel that way or she would have disputed him. When he’d held her there on the porch, he’d hoped they had broken through to each other. But not yet, he feared.

  Her unspoken anger shouted at him in a loud and clear message.

  “Hi,” Jewel said in her upbeat way. “Dinah and I are discussing jewelry. I told her that’s how I got my name. My mama loved her jewels, so when she finally had a girl after four boys, that’s what she named me. Clever, huh?”

  Dinah giggled with glee as Jewel bounced her and tickled her. “I know you Amish gals don’t wear jewelry, but I have to confess I have a thing for it.”

  Josie stood off to the side, a slight smile on her face. But her eyes were misty and burning with tears.

  Tobias looked around. “I’m sorry. Jewel, we should go. You’ll have to drive across town in the dark.”

  Jewel waved a hand in dismissal. “Nope. Not yet. Dinah and I are going into her room to read a book. She gets to pick which one. But you are to sit and eat and...talk.”

  Giving Tobias one of her mock-stern glares, she said, “Besides, I drove all over Chicago and Philly, young man. I think I can get you across the big bridge to Abram and Beth’s place.”

  Raesha motioned to two chairs. “You need to eat and we need to finish talking.”

  Josie nodded and went to wash her hands. Tobias did the same. He didn’t have much of an appetite, but at least he’d be in the same room with Josie.

  That brought him some comfort.

  After Jewel had made a production of taking Dinah away so they could have some privacy, Josiah let Raesha get Daniel settled in his crib while he sat and watched them nibble their ham and vegetables.

  When Raesha came back and sat down, he leaned forward. “We will let Drew’s parents see Dinah on Sunday afternoon, with Alisha present as our lawyer. But we will fight to the finish to keep her with us. Always.”

  Josie finally spoke. “I am her mother. I didn’t give her up. I gave her to you to raise Amish so I could be close to her.”

  Tobias grew hopeful. “That should be enough to convince any judge since Drew refused to sign any papers.”

  “Unless that judge is friends with powerful people,” Josiah pointed out. “But let’s hope that nothing can change for Dinah. We adopted her, and from what Alisha tells us, if Drew refused to acknowledge the child, then his parents have no legal right to raise her.”

  “But what if he now wants to acknowledge her as his, before he dies?” Tobias asked.

  “Would he do that?” Raesha’s hope deflated as she put her elbows on the table. “For sure he wouldn’t do that.”

  Naomi lifted her hand. “We can only be sure of one thing. That the Lord God will see us through, no matter.”

  Tobias wondered about that, but he knew he had to keep the faith. He prayed that this had been the plan all along, and he hoped the Lord would give them the outcome they so desired. Why should Dinah be snatched away from a family that obviously loved and provided for the child?

  How could that happen, especially now that he and Josie had found each other again? Somehow they had to keep Dinah here.

  Because if the child had to go away, Josie would never recover and he’d never have the opportunity to show
her how much he loved her.

  A little while later Jewel came out of the big bedroom on the main floor. “Dinah is fast asleep. I tell you, that is the sweetest child ever.” When she saw their drooping expressions, she gently clapped her hands. “Now, we are not having any of this. You all know how this works—the Lord provides. God is good, all the time. We pray without ceasing.” Winking at Josie, she said, “Did I leave anything out?”

  Josiah actually smiled. “Jewel, for sure you could quote the whole Bible, ain’t so?”

  “So very so,” Jewel replied, grinning. “Now I thank you for the food and I’m gonna take Tobias home ’cause he looks pure bushed.” Putting her hands on her ample hips, she added, “We got all day tomorrow to worry ourselves.”

  Tobias had to agree with the woman. They wouldn’t stop worrying, but they had to bide their time.

  He had to bide his time and hope Gott’s plan would also be the plan Tobias had himself. He wanted to marry Josie. But he had to start all over proving he was worthy of that.

  She’d need someone to hold her if Dinah had to go away.

  * * *

  Josie sat with Katy on the breezeway steps that Sunday afternoon, her hands twisting the material of her apron. “I don’t think I can do this.”

  Katy touched a hand to her arm. “That is why I’m here. To be with you when they arrive. Nothing to be afraid of. They only want to see their granddaughter. Maybe they’ll visit and then leave.”

  Glad she had someone to confide in, Josie stared at the sunflower fence where tender buds were popping out of the ground. “Or maybe they’ll be even more determined to take Dinah away from us.”

  “You have the law on your side,” Katy reminded her. “The law and the Lord. All the fancy lawyers in the world can’t change that.”

  “But Alisha says they could turn the tables, make me look like a bad mother for abandoning my child.” She tugged at her bonnet strings. “I am a bad mother. I am. I didn’t love her enough to fight for her, but now I’d do anything to keep her near me.”

  “You made a huge sacrifice, Josie. You let your bruder and Raesha take her. It is for the best. You get to watch her grow up, and maybe one day you can explain all of this.”

  Josie would never be able to explain to Dinah what she’d done. “I will not break her heart,” she whispered. “I will keep her close and watch her and pray she has the best life—a happy home, a gut husband, many children and people to love her.”

  “Just as you have now that you’re home,” Katy replied. “If you add Tobias to that, you could almost be happy.”

  Almost happy. “Is that as close as I’ll get?”

  “If you let yourself, you could be completely happy,” her friend said with a soft smile. “Stop fighting that.”

  Josie wiped at her eyes. “I want to tell Tobias that I still love him, but now he is blaming himself for what happened. He thinks he should have been there to protect me. I can’t find the words to tell him that he is wrong.”

  Katy shook her head, causing one of her golden curls to fall across her face. “You two need to find a spot and talk to each other, Josie. Honesty always wins out. Confession is good for that very reason.”

  Josie glanced over at the house where she’d sat with Tobias the other night. “We can’t seem to take the next step. He was so kind to me the night we heard that Drew’s parents wanted to visit Dinah. He held me and let me cry. He didn’t ask a lot of questions.”

  “I give him high marks for that,” Katy replied. “He is willing to forgive you. You have to forgive yourself.”

  “It is very hard,” Josie admitted. “Maybe I should go for a walk while the Beningtons visit with Dinah.”

  “Be strong,” Katy said. “Face them.”

  “When did you get so smart?” Josie asked, standing to stretch. The warmth of the sun shone brightly on her sunflower buds. Lifting her face, she reveled in the warmth of the afternoon. “I must go in.”

  “I’ll take Daniel over to the grossmammi haus,” Katy said. “If you need to leave, kumm and find us, ja?”

  “I will.” Josie gave her friend a quick hug. “Denke, Katy.”

  When they heard two vehicles moving up the long drive, Katy hurried to take Daniel. Josie followed, nerves making her breathing shallow. When she entered the living room, she was surprised to see Tobias coming in with Alisha.

  He nodded to her and kept his gaze down. Josie could see the hurt and tension twisting his expression, the anxiety in the way he tugged at his suspenders. He stood with Alisha, waiting.

  Then Theodore and Pamela Benington entered the house, causing Tobias to gaze at Josie, an unspoken message in his eyes.

  Raesha pointed to the sofa while Josiah stood silent. “Please kumm.”

  “Thank you,” Alisha said. Today she wore her hair up and had on a long floral skirt and a lightweight cotton blouse. Since her grandmother and her husband had both once been Amish, Alisha always respected the Amish ways. “We won’t stay long.”

  Pamela looked uncomfortable. She sat straight up, her summer sweater a dark navy that matched her plaid pants. She clutched a triple strand of pearls. “This is very difficult,” she finally said, her voice low. “Where is Dinah?”

  “I’ll go and get her,” Raesha said. “She should be up from her nap by now.”

  Theodore studied the sparse room, then let his gaze settle on Josie. “I’m sorry we didn’t believe you the night you came to us for help. We should have listened and we could have easily had a paternity test done once the child was born. If you’d stayed.”

  Josiah held up a hand. “We agreed to let you see Dinah. I did not agree to let you remind my sister of what has transpired. No changing that now. This is where we are today. Dinah has to be our first consideration.”

  Alisha nodded, indicating she agreed. “So, Mr. and Mrs. Benington, you can visit with Dinah today. But Josiah and Raesha followed the Pennsylvania adoption laws to the letter. The Amish take in their own, so they didn’t have to officially adopt Dinah, but they wanted the protection of abiding by the state law. Josie knew what she wanted for Dinah. She wanted her to be raised Amish.”

  Pamela looked around. “But why? We have so much more to offer her. She’d have everything she needs—a complete education, college later and a home that is comfortable and safe.”

  “Our home is comfortable and safe,” Josiah replied, his tone soft. “And our scholars are educated. Dinah will be happy here. Happy and Amish, as her mother wants.”

  “You mean, the mother who gave her up,” Theodore said, glaring at Josie.

  Alisha shook her head. “That will not help the situation.”

  Tobias stood. “Stop this. I will not allow you to judge Josie when your son is the one to blame. Him and...me. I am to blame for not watching after her.”

  Raesha came back in with Dinah then, so he sat down. Josie glanced over at him and saw the anger and shame in his expression. His skin blushed a burning red and his eyes flashed fire. He looked up at her and held her gaze for a moment, anguish dark in his eyes before he looked away.

  Raesha must have sensed the tension. She sat down beside Josiah and forced a cheery smile. “Here is our Dinah. She is a little over two years old now.”

  Dinah giggled and held up two fingers and made a sound. “Tuw.”

  “Yes, you are learning your numbers already,” Raesha replied, her smile serene while she gave the couple sitting there a stern glare.

  The Beningtons completely missed the pointed remark. They were captivated by Dinah. As they glanced from her to each other, Josie saw the pain and joy merging on their startled faces. Dinah smiled at them, her dimples running deep, her blue-green eyes wide and full of innocence.

  Josie wanted to run, but Tobias somehow managed to move closer to her, finding a chair to pull up beside her. She could almost feel the heat radiating
from the rage she saw in his eyes. Who was he angry with? The Beningtons and Drew? Himself? Or her?

  She supposed all of the above.

  Chapter Eighteen

  Dinah took over, pushing out of Raesha’s lap to be let down. She toddled here and there, her curious gaze moving over everyone in the room. She had their rapt attention, so she took her time staring at each of them and making adorable faces, jabbering away before rushing up to Josie, her little arms reaching. “JoJo, take.”

  Josie inhaled a shaky breath and lifted the child up. “Hello, you,” she managed to mumble. Touching a hand to Dinah’s soft chestnut curls, she sat silent, too overcome to speak.

  Tobias poked at Dinah’s tummy, causing her to laugh and squirm. Then he reached inside his pocket and brought out a little wooden toy—a small birdhouse with a tiny bird perched in the opening. “Here you go,” he said, his voice soft now.

  Josie smiled at the carved birdhouse, her heart blossoming with thankfulness. It was big enough that Dinah couldn’t put any small parts in her mouth, and it looked as if he’d carved it from one piece of wood.

  “That’s very kind of you,” she said to Tobias.

  Dinah laughed and held up her prize. “Birdie.”

  Josiah looked as if he might burst into tears. Raesha wiped at her eyes. Naomi rolled her chair up close, her quiet strength filling the room. “Dinah, what have you? Kumm and show Mammi.”

  Dinah pushed off Josie’s lap, her light green dress billowing out around her chubby legs while her bare feet hit the floor. Her light kapp barely contained her thick curls, but she hurried toward where Naomi had stopped her chair near Theodore and Pamela.

  That put Dinah between Naomi and the couple. Naomi lifted her arm and turned Dinah around. “Dinah, this is Theodore and Pamela. They came to visit you. Why don’t you show them the gift Tobias brought to you?”

  Dinah giggled and pointed to where Tobias sat near Josie. “ToTo and JoJo.”

  Everyone laughed at that. “You are so smart,” Naomi said, smiling at the kinder. “‘ToTo and JoJo’ has a nice ring, ain’t so?”