Fearless

by R. G. Alexander

  He’d never felt so alive.

  But despite his new successes and personal revelations, the most important relationship in his life had been damaged—maybe beyond repair.

  Rory.

  It had taken David a few months before he felt like he could be around him without responding to what that kiss evoked. Rig had tried to help him through it, but David had taken too long, because when he was finally ready to talk about everything, Rory refused. They ended up in this current hellish limbo. Rig’s word fit. Limbo. Friends but not friends. Speaking but not talking. Wanting… It wasn’t fair to blame it all on Rory. If he were being honest with himself, David still wasn’t sure what he wanted to happen next.

  Be more honest. You know. Rig knows. It’s what Rory wants that you’re not sure of. And you’re afraid it won’t be what you’re hoping for.

  “We lost him.” He heard Janice say. “And from his expression I bet I can guess why.”

  “Everyone can guess why,” Essie responded dryly. “My absentminded father could guess why. And my brother should never play poker.”

  David made a face. “Thanks for the advice. Anyway, you have no idea what I was thinking.”

  Janice narrowed her eyes and studied him. “Well it used to always be, How do I raise the money to reboot Firefly with the original cast? But now I’d say it’s more along the lines of, How do I get my two friends naked and when I do, where do all the pieces go? Am I warm?”

  Essie laughed with her entire body and Janice ducked to get away from her flailing arms. “Why do people think you’re the innocent one in this marriage?”

  David sent his sister-in-law a fond smile. “She’s like me. We excel at blending in and fooling the masses. Now about this card game…”

  “You’ll get them to play?”

  He shrugged noncommittally. “Maybe. We might need an icebreaker. But even if they both agreed to do it I don’t think it’s what your—our viewers are expecting. They want Middle Earth and superheroes, not an X-rated Cosmo quiz. And neither of them know a damn thing about sci-fi and fantasy shows or fans.”

  “Oh, that’s not true,” Janice disagreed after swallowing a sip of wine. “Rig always dresses as The Hulk for Halloween, and we all know how much Rory enjoys The Vampire Diaries and True Blood.”

  “We do all know. We could do a whole series on why Mr. Finn is obsessed with bitey, angsty love triangles. Plus he gets all my Pride and Prejudice references. Our fans would go insane.” Essie set down the box of cards and put her hands on her generous hips. “Sex sells, David. Since I handle the majority of the fan mail, I can tell you that ninety percent of the men and women who watch us are hot for my younger brother and have no problems sharing topless selfies with me to prove their interest. You, Rig and Rory Finn? The reaction to that much manliness in one video could be legendary.”

  He raised curious eyebrows and she snorted. “I call you manly and you give me those puppy dog eyes? No, you can’t see the selfies, you pervert. What you can do is be grateful for all the trouble I’m going through to get you out of this holding pattern.”

  He frowned. “I’m not in a holding pattern.”

  “Yes, you are. And that’s why once Rig called to tell me about Rory’s vacation, the first thing I did was give you time off to join them. We’ve seen the same movie for a year and we’re ready for the sequel.”

  “You’re such a giver.” Essie sent a sour look at his dry response. “But entertaining you is not the only reason Rig rescheduled.”

  “Then why?”

  David felt the heat climbing up his neck and sighed, knowing she’d get it out of him eventually. She always did. “Last week Rig and I kissed and…I might have let him—” David gestured to his lap and bit his lip, waiting for the outburst.

  “Hot damn!” Janice shouted, holding up her hand for a high five no one was willing to return. “Oh, come on. Tweedlehotter gave our little David his first gay BJ and no one goes high? Where’s the celebration?” She paused and studied her wife’s furrowed eyebrows. “We’re happy about this right? We love Rig.”

  “We do love Rig, but this adds a wrinkle,” Essie admitted. “They’re all going over there to finally talk things out, as Rig put it, but now it’s not just about one kiss at a wedding or David’s evolving sexuality. Does Rory know?”

  David’s lips formed a silent, frustrated snarl. “Rig told him last night, even though I wanted to wait. He said it had to come from him, something about their rules, but then Rory got drunk and mentioned not wanting to step on any experimenting toes in a text, so I think he misunderstood.”

  Essie winced. “Yeah. Well, we knew Rory was sensitive when it came to you. Territorial. He always has been. It adds a wrinkle,” she repeated. “But we’ll deal with that in a minute. Let’s get to that blowjob instead. Was it good? Did you prove it to yourself?”

  The blood flowing to his face changed direction and he shifted, adjusting his pants at the memory of Rig’s hot mouth. “Prove what?” That his friend could suck like a Hoover?

  “That you’re gay. Or bi. Whatevs.”

  David snorted. “Is Gay Specific a term? I haven’t wanted another man yet, and you know I tested the waters once or twice with that app you gave me before I told Rig about things. Rory is different and Rig and I... Maybe it’s because I’ve known them so long and I trust them. I don’t know what sexual box that puts me in.”

  “Well you haven’t even looked at a woman in the last twelve months,” Janice added helpfully. “So I’d lean toward specific gayness. Now tell us…did you like it?”

  “God yes.” David turned beet red as they laughed at his emphasis. “But Essie’s right, I’m not sure how Rory’s going to feel about that.” Or the fact that I’d like Rig to do it again.

  “He’ll be fine. The only person he’s into more than Rig is you, and we all know it. Plus, I’ve been secretly buttering him up for a while now. I gave him all those Kindle books for Christmas—and why do you think Hermione’s first litter went to the Finn family months ago? That was for you. In anticipation of this moment.”

  “You anticipated this? Really, Es?”

  Janice sent David a wink. “Of course she did. But to be fair, the Finns were also the only ones who agreed to send yearly pictures of Hermione and Weasely’s babies and the background check she ran on all of them came back with two thumbs way up so she knew they would live like royalty. So there’s that.”

  David glanced down at the sleeping Boston terrier and Boxer who’d given him a bushel of brownie points with most of Rory’s family. Thank God Essie had honored his impromptu offer. He’d been desperate to find a way to apologize to Rory for dropping out on him so abruptly and nothing had been working. Nothing was enough.

  It was painfully apparent that Rory didn’t completely trust him anymore. Not the way he used to. He’d let him down and it shamed him.

  If he knew the real reason David had continued to keep his distance after the initial shock of his desire… He shook his head. Long-term friendship or not, Rory might run in the other direction if things got too romantic too fast. He always did. That or draw an uncross-able line, the way he had with Rig. This far only, it said. Beyond this there be dragons with serious commitment issues.

  David and Rig agreed they were both really damn tired of that line.

  As for the puppies… “No one could love those cute little rascals more than the Finns do.”

  “Whatever. I still potentially saved your bromance and/or eventual romance and you can’t take that away from me. Ten thousand points to Hufflepuff and free wine forever.”

  David was skeptical. “You can’t take credit for everything in my life. You know that right? Also that point system is rigged.”

  “Says the Ravenclaw.” Essie sent a speaking look to Janice. “Men. It’s a wonder the species has survived as long as it has.”

  “Sing it, baby,” Janice murmured, her eyes twinkling.

  Essie sang. “I brought him food and kept him busy wh
en all he wanted to do was binge on all things Joss Whedon, grow a beard and search out medical precedents for being temporarily gay. I convinced him to shower, which everyone in his apartment complex privately thanked me for. We’ve bent over backwards since he broke up with Bette the Ball Crusher New Year’s before last to protect him from the horny female hordes that for some reason I’ll never be able to explain think he’s adorable. And there he sits. A clean, well-fed, recently reclassified Gay Specific Bisexually Adjacent man. Still completely clueless after all my good works.”

  David grabbed a handful of Janice’s white cheddar popcorn. “You didn’t just bend over backwards. You danced on Instagram and lit a Barbie effigy in Bette’s honor the day I told you about that break up. Thanks so much for that, by the way, since everything I still had at her place was sent to me in a garbage bag a few days later. Somehow burnt and soggy at the same time.”

  Essie winced. “How was I supposed to know she’d see that? She’d never shown any interest in social media before.”

  Because it wasn’t about her.

  David had known Bette’s faults going in. She’d been a demon in bed, but that was the only time she wasn’t focused on how other people saw her. Vanity had her in the salon twice a week and kept her spray tanned and perfumed. Vanity had her shopping for and dressing him before they went to visit her friends or her parents, because everything he picked out was unacceptable.

  And vanity couldn’t allow her to believe his sister with her clunky shoes, straight bangs and thick glasses could have romanced and won a woman like Janice, or have fans and a brother who adored her and thought she was perfect just as she was. But she did, and David did, and he couldn’t be prouder.

  Esther Mills was one of a kind. While he’d let himself be swayed by the tide—in retrospect too often for his liking—Essie had always gone her own direction. Like Rory, she never apologized for who she was or how she felt, and it seemed like some people were finally appreciating her quick wit and quirky personality. The YouTube channel that he’d helped her with in his off hours had become a hit with enough followers and sponsors for both of them to do it full time, but he wasn’t kidding himself. Essie was the main attraction.

  David had held back from quitting his job once that happened—at Bette’s insistence, but after the breakup her father had let him go without notice. He’d looked almost as shocked as David that he was canning his best accountant for no work-related reason, but Bette usually got what she wanted. Hell, she’d almost convinced him to marry her because his parents wanted grandkids and he was tired of finding bridal magazines in his bathroom.

  Now, thanks to the fandom community and his sister’s charisma, he was free to do as he pleased. Eat cheese from a can. Binge every single episode of Firefly in one sitting. Wear jeans instead of suits. Sleep in on Mondays.

  Kiss anyone he liked.

  “It doesn’t matter, Essie. A few charred bobble heads were worth finally being my own man. I didn’t know how deep I’d gotten until I took a step back.” Until I realized I didn’t want to be married to the boss’s daughter as much as I wanted to sleep with my best friend.

  Essie was clearly relieved. “Thank goodness, because I started having panic attacks as soon as she hit month four. You’ve never had a girlfriend last that long before and she didn’t like anyone she didn’t bring into your relationship. Especially Rory.”

  That last bit didn’t surprise him. David’s previous girlfriends had never been fond of his best friends. Rory and Rig had always been on the list of reasons they had for seeing other people.

  He’s always around.

  You’re late. Were you with Rory and Rig again?

  There are too many people in this relationship, David Mills. And I’m not one of them.

  David couldn’t really blame them. No woman, no matter how lovely or sexually stimulating, ever took precedence over the friendship he had with Rory and Rig. They were the ones he changed his schedule for, broke dates for, waited around for…

  That should have been his first clue.

  Still, he felt like an ass for staying with someone like Bette for so long. Lame excuse or not, he just hadn’t been paying attention. “I’m really sorry, Essie. I never realized she was such a—”

  “Bitch?” His sister waved it off. “I’m a busty pinup of a lesbian with tattoos and a Harry Potter obsession. I’m used to it. She, on the other hand, got her breasts as a graduation present, and she’d rather be thrown into a pit of angry alligators than visit Comic Con. Our kind don’t usually mingle.”

  He hadn’t been Bette’s kind either, but neither one of them had realized it until it was too late.

  He wasn’t going back to that again. That pale imitation. He was done playing the part of what he thought a successful adult male was supposed to be. No more pretending. He needed to be himself, even when he wasn’t entirely sure what that was. Especially then.

  His parents were still getting used to the new him. They’d always expected Essie to forge her own unique way in the world, but they never imagined their dutiful, responsible son would be her partner in crime. Or that he would like men.

  Luckily for him, they didn’t know how not to be supportive. Instead of crying or trying to dissuade her when Essie had come out, they’d all taken a trip to the library for books on the subject, then gone out for ice cream. For David? They’d just listened and hugged him—after telling them they’d always thought he could do better than Bette. Other than that, they wanted whatever he wanted. Whatever and whoever would make him happy.

  And that had always been his problem. Until now he’d never wanted anything enough to step out of his comfort zone and make it happen. Acknowledging that made him sound like a shallow son of a bitch, but there it was.

  He’d told himself if it didn’t come easy it wasn’t meant to be. He’d told himself that if he was supposed to be with Rory it would have happened after all this time.

  He’d told himself a lot of stupid things.

  It had been over a year now since he’d kissed Rory. A year, nightly erotic fantasies, a glut of porn and toys, as well as a blowjob from Rig last week that melted his brain into goo, and here he was, frozen with fear that he might do something wrong and end things before they started.

  He wanted now. He wanted more of Rig. He wanted Rory. To feel the way he did during that initial kiss and follow where it led. He wanted the love he used to feel from his best friend back with interest. He wanted naked, sweaty, pounding sex so badly he actually ached, but he had no fucking clue how to go about getting it without screwing things up.

  This morning when Essie and Rig informed him that he was going to Jennifer Finn’s house to watch Hermione’s pups and finally heal the rift between the three of them? He’d started packing without hesitation. He’d felt impatient. Excited. He wasn’t sure if this was the right play, but he knew it was time to face his desires head on.

  Rory wouldn’t be happy with this invasion, and David had no idea how bad the fallout would be from last night. Either this would be the push they needed to finally get out of limbo or it would be the end.

  No pressure.

  David groaned and dropped his forehead on the table, anxiety spiking inside him. “Maybe I should stay home and watch more Whedon.”

  Instantly two feminine hands were patting his back supportively. “There, there, golden child,” Essie crooned. “Don’t lose that Mills chill you’re so famous for. Between you and Rig, one stubborn Irish boy doesn’t stand a chance.”

  “I’m such a coward,” he whispered harshly into the Formica. “I should have been honest with him last year. I hurt him. I haven’t told him anything about what I’ve been going through, and now he’s getting all of it at once. And not even from me. What kind of guy does that to his best friend?”

  Janice clicked her tongue against her teeth. “He did the same thing and we all know it. You’re both fantastically gifted at avoiding uncomfortable things. You could teach a class. We get it, Davi
d, we really do. Your friendship was the stuff of legend. But both of you are holding on so tightly to what you used to be to each other, that you can’t see it’s already gone.”

  His head jerked up. That was not what he wanted to hear. “What do you mean it’s gone?”

  Her smile held an apology. “Truth time. Rory lost his hetero life partner under the mistletoe a few years ago when you found your sex drive, and you lost your best friend after you left him hanging for too long and he drew the wrong conclusions as to why. Meanwhile poor Rig has been left seesawing between you two, trying to fix what he didn’t break in the first place. None of you have been the same since, so stop trying to recapture what was and see if you can’t find something new. Something better.”

  Essie leaned against her with a sigh. “Wife is as wise as she is sexy.”

  Janice snickered. “If you say so.”

  David nodded, running his hands through his hair and trying to get his head on straight. “You’re right. No use crying over spilled milk. Nowhere to go but up. Never give up, never surrender. Forward, ho.”

  “Ho?”

  He laughed when Essie and Janice both spoke at once and then got to his feet. “I apologize. Forward, strong, intellectually superior goddesses I’m lucky to know.”

  His sister handed him the kinky cards and nodded. “Much better. Now go record something we can use and then after that have heartfelt, cerebral conversations that lead to hardcore gay threesomes.”

  David had to walk away after that. Hardcore gay threesomes. They’d given him a little too much to think about.

  Tonight couldn’t happen soon enough.

  Chapter Five

  “We’ve had this argument before, Rory.” David’s lips twitched as the three of them ate dinner in front of the television that doubled as a wall. God bless Declan Kelley for his taste in electronics. “Superheroes and Jedis are not the same thing. And you know I’m more a fan of the mythology than the tights, so get your facts straight.”

  “Agree to disagree.”

  David and Rig shared a look. “I don’t know why I take so much grief from a man who reads all the classics, but will watch anything set in a high school with a broody supernatural hero and sugary pop ballads.” He pointed at Rory. “That gets creepier as you get older, by the way. It’s right up there with your disbelief in dressers and that nasty ice-chewing habit.”