‘Anja didn’t. She stayed here and faced it. The memories of it. The grief of it.’ He watched as a duck dipped itself under the water and shook it off.
‘Anja had Chet, Dylan. She had me. She had a support system. One outside of the family that had caused her pain.’ He looked down at her. ‘It makes a difference.’
‘Why are you being so understanding?’
‘Why are you determined to torture yourself like this?’
‘I’m not—’ He broke off, and shook his head. ‘It’s not torture. It’s the truth. I abandoned her. Just like our parents did.’
‘You didn’t abandon her. You took some time to figure out how you were feeling about your parents. About your childhood that was cut short. Did you do it in the right way?’ she asked. ‘Maybe not. Maybe you should have told Anja about what you’d found out. Maybe you should have shared how you were struggling with your grief and the anger. But that doesn’t mean you abandoned her.’
‘But my mother—’
‘Was a flawed woman. And your father was a flawed man. So are you. We’re all flawed,’ she said with a smile. ‘We all make mistakes. But we move on from them. We learn from them. And you being back tells me you have learnt from it.’
She faced him when he didn’t reply, and narrowed her eyes. ‘You’re not only scared about that though, are you?’ And only when she asked did he realise that he wasn’t. ‘What is it, Dylan?’
‘I—’ He stopped himself, but only for a moment. It was too late to play coy, and he was so tired of keeping it all to himself. ‘Why did his death affect me so much? Why am I so unhappy and angry about it when I only really knew him for fourteen years?’ He ran a hand over his head. ‘Even saying that is generous.’
Her hand fell from his, and then lifted to cup his cheek. ‘Maybe it’s because you’re still stuck in the hope that he could have been different.’
CHAPTER FIFTEEN
‘WHICH IS FINE,’ Jess told Dylan, dropping her hand. ‘There’s nothing wrong with wishing you had something you didn’t.’ It felt as if she was talking to herself. ‘But you have to let go of the unrealistic expectations if you want to move on. If you want to move forward.’
‘You’re right,’ he said after a moment.
‘Don’t sound so surprised.’
His lips lifted, taking some of the torture out of his eyes. ‘I’m not. It’s just...we have a lot in common, don’t we?’
‘I wasn’t talking about me, Dylan.’
‘Maybe not, but, despite what you might think, I’ve learnt how to read you. Enough,’ he said before she could protest, ‘that I know you were thinking about yourself, too, just now.’ He turned to face her and took a step closer. ‘Enough to know that something’s wrong with you. Has been since before we even took this trip.’
She wanted to tell him that something was wrong. She wanted to share her fears with him just as he’d shared his with her. But it wouldn’t help. She knew because when he’d told her that he hadn’t meant it when he’d said she wasn’t a part of their family she hadn’t believed him.
‘We should probably get back on the road.’
He stared at her for a few seconds, and then gave her a curt nod. She almost sighed, but was afraid the sound would break whatever control had convinced Dylan that he shouldn’t press. They were on the road a few minutes later, and Jess settled on looking out at the rolling hills, interspersed with long stretches of green fields and cattle, that they passed.
It was a pleasant trip, driving along the West Coast. Soon they would take the road that led to the coastal town of Langebaan, home to one of the most popular casinos in the Western Cape. The realisation made her think about Dylan’s father, and whether his parents had met here, in this town. Whether it had been the start of his father’s addiction.
Jess hoped that what she’d been able to offer Dylan at the pond had given him comfort. That it would be enough to help him work through what he was going through. And that once he had he would be able to turn to Anja when Jess was no longer there.
Because the more she thought about it, the more she realised that she had to leave. If she didn’t have a purpose, what use would she be? She only had to look at her parents to know that. She only had to remember that they’d abandoned her long before she’d abandoned them. They’d done it from the moment she was born, no matter how hard she’d tried to prove herself.
Her father had rejected her even though she’d tried to make herself useful in the company. Her mother... Well, her mother had never really paid any attention to her. They’d never let her forget that her presence in their life hadn’t been something they’d wanted.
And it turned out that being unwanted, feeling rejected—abandoned—were all pretty close together on the ‘make Jess feel crappy’ spectrum.
She hated that feeling. And she was still dealing with the remnants of it from her parents. She didn’t need it from her friends, too. So she’d do what she’d done with her parents after she’d realised they wouldn’t change and welcome her into their team. She would pull away, put distance between them, so that when the day came and she left, they wouldn’t be so surprised.
Because she would leave, she thought. She would leave them before they left her.
* * *
‘You’ve been quiet today,’ Anja said from behind her.
Jess forced herself to give her friend an easy smile—even more so when she saw that Dylan was behind Anja—and went back to looking at the waves of the ocean in the distance.
Mia Nel’s cottage was small but it was situated in the perfect position. Just outside the small town of Langebaan, where it was close enough to get whatever she needed within an hour, and far enough that there weren’t many tourists around.
The beach was basically her backyard and for that alone, Jess told herself, the trip was worth it.
‘It’s been a long day,’ Jess said as Anja and Dylan settled into the comfortable outdoor chairs on the small outdoor patio.
‘It has been, but that’s never stopped you from talking before,’ Anja teased.
‘Maybe it’s this baby I’m carrying,’ Jess teased back. ‘Crazy genes can do that to you.’
‘Oh, don’t you dare blame my baby for your sullenness!’ Anja’s eyes twinkled, and then she grew serious. ‘Are you sure you’re okay though?’
‘I’m fine.’
She felt Dylan’s gaze on her, but she ignored it and kept her own gaze on the sea in front of her. It was a fair question. Jess knew that she’d been quiet since they’d arrived. She’d been sociable, of course. Had calmly accepted the love Mia had overwhelmed her with the moment they’d met.
But she’d kept herself from becoming too invested in the emotion. Because she knew it wasn’t for her. It was for the baby she carried, and she couldn’t forget it or avoid it. Ever since Anja had returned, the idea that Jess’s time was running out had only grown.
She shook off the weight that settled on her shoulders at the thought of it. It was for the best. Reject them before they can reject you, a voice whispered into her mind.
She closed her eyes for a moment before asking Anja, ‘So, what are the final accommodation arrangements for the trip?’
It did its job at distracting Anja, and Jess felt the air loosen in her lungs in relief. Though she couldn’t deny it was also because she and Dylan would be spending the night in Mia’s spare rooms, while Anja and Chet stayed in a cottage they’d rented a few doors down.
She didn’t want to be alone with Dylan now. Not with his piercing gaze. Not with the knowing looks.
She felt as if he was looking straight through her. No, it felt as if he was looking straight into her. Into the part of her that was cowering like the little girl she’d been when she’d first realised her parents didn’t care for her like other parents cared for their children.
It was ann
oying, being dragged back into the past. Which was why, as soon as the conversation lulled between the three of them, Jess excused herself for the night. She still had to face her demons, but if she wasn’t near Anja and Dylan she wouldn’t be tempted to belong.
She hoped.
* * *
‘She’s acting weird, isn’t she?’ Anja asked Dylan as soon as Jess left for the night.
‘Yep.’
‘Did she say anything to you on the way over?’
Do words of wisdom about my own emotional problems count?
‘No. I asked, but she pretty much gave me the same answer she gave you when you asked.’
‘It’s so strange,’ Anja said with a shake of her head. ‘Jess isn’t like this.’ There was a beat of silence before she said, ‘Do you know if something happened?’
He debated with himself about whether he should tell Anja. The truth had been working out pretty well for them. His relationship with Anja was slowly improving because of it. And he knew once they had a conversation with their mother they would finally get some closure.
Honesty had brought him a lot of what he’d wanted since he got back. Honesty and Jess. He sighed.
‘It could be the fact that we...that I...’
Probably should have figured out what you were going to say before you started talking, dummy.
‘It could be because of me.’
‘Because of you?’ Anja repeated in that slow way she had that told him she was trying to hide her real feelings.
‘Yes. While you were gone, Jess and I...’ He ran a hand over his head, again unsure of how to describe what had happened between him and Jess over those days before Anja had returned. ‘We got close.’
‘Got close?’
‘Are you going to keep repeating what I say?’
‘Yeah, I am. If that’s what it takes to keep me from knocking your head against the table.’
And there it was, he thought, and braced for the onslaught.
‘Are you telling me, Dylan Theo Nel, that you are seeing my best friend? The woman carrying my child?’
‘We’re not seeing each other. Nothing that official.’
‘Nothing...’ He thought he saw the colour drain from her face. ‘Please don’t tell me that “got close”—’ she lifted her hands in air quotes ‘—is a metaphor for some kind of hanky-panky—’ She broke off. ‘I think I’m going to puke.’
‘Oh, stop being so dramatic,’ he said, though he’d expected the reaction. ‘Nothing happened.’ Not in the way she thought, at least. ‘But we did have...something.’
‘She told me I had nothing to worry about.’
‘Because there was nothing to worry about when you asked her. We both knew something between us would be complicated, so neither of us wanted to pursue it.’
Again, not entirely the truth, but only because he was just realising what the truth was as he said it. He wanted to pursue it. He had wanted to pursue it from the moment he’d met her. From that first kiss. And still he wanted to. The realisation stumped him.
A long silence passed before Anja spoke again. ‘When you say there was nothing to worry about when I asked, does that mean there is now?’
‘Depends on whether you’re worried about me and Jess being together.’ As soon as he said it, he realised how much he wanted Anja to be okay with it. And suddenly the conversation took on a whole new importance. ‘Are you?’
‘Am I—? Hold on.’ Anja lifted a hand. ‘I’m trying to process everything you’ve just said in the last few minutes. It’s going to take some time.’
Since he needed some time himself, he didn’t say anything. Instead, he tested how he felt about this latest development.
Of course, he’d known there was something between him and Jess. What he hadn’t known was how invested he was in that something.
It didn’t make sense, he thought. At least not on paper. They’d only known each other for a few weeks. And only two days of that time had been spent on something resembling dating. The rest of the time they’d either been arguing or talking about things so difficult for them that dating had been the last thing on their minds.
But the facts couldn’t explain why his heart thudded that much harder when she was around. Why he couldn’t keep his eyes from straying to her. Why he wanted to see her reaction to jokes that were made, or stories that were told. Why he still thought about their kisses, and how much he wanted to repeat them.
It didn’t explain why he felt so comfortable that he could talk to her about things. Or why he sensed that she was unhappy about something. No, the facts couldn’t explain any of that. And it was finally occurring to him why that was.
He was falling for his sister’s best friend. The woman carrying his niece or nephew. The woman he’d only just met.
And none of the reasons he’d told himself why that was a bad idea seemed to matter any more.
His lips curved.
‘Okay, I’m done thinking,’ Anja said, and Dylan hid his smile. He didn’t want her to think that he was mocking her. ‘I’m not going to say that I’m happy about this development. It’s messy. And complicated. And, I don’t know, it feels incestuous.’
Dylan frowned at what he once again thought was an exaggeration, but kept the opinion to himself.
‘But clearly whatever’s going on between you and Jess...means something. To both of you.’
‘Not sure I’d go that far,’ he muttered.
‘No,’ Anja said immediately. ‘Me not totally freaking out about this does not mean I’m going to counsel you on Jess’s feelings.’ She frowned, and then sighed. ‘Except to say that Jess was...hurt by her parents. It takes a long time for her to trust, and if you’ve done something stupid—which, knowing you, you probably have—it’ll take longer for her to get there. But now that you’ve mentioned it—’ she slid a hand through her hair ‘—I did notice something between you. Coming from both sides.’
‘Really?’ he asked, and was only slightly disgusted by the optimism he heard in his voice.
Anja’s face broke into a smile. ‘Yes, you dork. Now, back to what I was saying. It’s complicated, and it’s messy, but...but if it’s what you two want, then I’ll support it. Just don’t, you know, do it, until my baby is out of the way.’
‘Firstly, what is wrong with you? And secondly...thanks, An.’
‘Don’t thank me yet,’ she said and stood. ‘I’m going to be pretty miserable about this for the foreseeable future.’
‘Completely understandable.’
She narrowed her eyes, and then sighed. ‘Don’t complicate things if it’s not worth it, okay?’
‘Okay.’
‘And don’t...don’t hurt my friend.’
‘I won’t.’
Anja left with those words, and Dylan sat back with a smile, watching the waves crash into the boulders and then pull away. It hadn’t been the easiest conversation to have but, once again, Dylan felt that his honesty had paid off. Not only because he’d told his sister the truth about things that had happened between him and Jess, but because it had clarified a lot for him.
First, it was worth it.
Second, he would do his best not to hurt Jess.
And third, he was going to convince Jess of both those points, no matter how long it took.
CHAPTER SIXTEEN
‘SO,’ JESS SAID the next afternoon, ‘I just had a chat with Anja. And it was...surprising, to say the least.’
She and Dylan were at the restaurant where they’d all just had lunch. She’d spent the morning walking through town—if it could be called walking, considering the number of times she’d rested—while Dylan, Anja and Chet had spent the morning with Mia. She hadn’t minded entertaining herself. Understood that the reason they were there was so that those conversations could happen.
But t
hat afternoon they’d all had lunch together. Afterwards, Mia had an appointment with a friend, and Anja and Chet had decided to drive to the next town to buy some things for the baby. Which left her and Dylan alone.
Handy, considering she had a bone to pick with him.
‘You told her that we kissed?’
‘What? No, of course not.’
‘Then why did she follow me to the bathroom to tell me that she’s okay with us being together?’
‘She did that?’ His lips twitched, but he shook his head. ‘I’m sorry, I didn’t realise she would speak to you about it.’
‘It? What is it?’
‘I...might have told Anja that there was something between us. Not that we’d kissed or anything,’ he said quickly. ‘But that there was...something.’
She opened her mouth, and then shut it again. Figured it would be better to keep the first words that wanted to come out of her mouth to herself rather than hurl them at him. But the entire exchange had made her feel sick, and she drank from the bottle of water she’d ordered with her meal before she spoke.
‘So, let me get this straight. You told my best friend—the mother of the child I’m carrying—that there was something between us.’
‘Yes.’
‘Why?’
‘Because there is something between us.’
‘No, there isn’t.’ He gave her a look, and she gritted her teeth. ‘Maybe there was, but we both know that there can’t be.’
‘Why not?’
‘Because...’ She trailed off, realising now that her main reason had been Anja, and that no longer seemed to be a problem. ‘Because I’m carrying your niece or nephew and you don’t agree with that choice,’ she finished triumphantly.
‘What?’ he said, his face twisted. ‘That’s not true.’
‘Isn’t it?’ she asked mildly. ‘Because I distinctly remember your objections to me being a surrogate for someone else.’
‘That was before I knew it was Anja’s baby.’
‘So your concerns aren’t valid any more because this baby is your sister’s?’
Tempted by the Billionaire Next Door Page 13
