Damned If I Do

by M. J. Schiller

I continued to look around while she hauled me forward. The place was designed like an Aztec village. Dani could be behind columns with giant, striking cobras or the simplistic statues of native men with their hands over their heads, supporting the bridges and decks above. "Don't you want to tell your mommy how much fun you had?" I asked hopefully.

  "Nope." She let go and raced off. I did another quick search, then took off after her, following her irresistible little wet footprints up the wooden stairs.

  Chapter 11

  Danielle

  I watched Tucker and Tabby disappear up the long, winding stairs. I breathed a sigh of relief, shaking my head at myself. Why did I even worry about Tabitha liking Tucker? What was not to like?

  "Do you want to go with us?" Scott asked, shifting his feet and glancing at his sister.

  I thought about it. "No. Not yet anyway. You two go on and have a good time."

  "Okay." He spun to go, but turned back. "Thank you for inviting us."

  "You're welcome," I returned with a smile.

  Looking relieved, he rushed after his sister.

  I waited for Tucker and Tabitha to come out of one of the mouths of the tubes in front of me, but after a while, I started to think maybe they weren't the right exits. I wandered off, and returned as Tucker scooped Tabby out of the pool. I was about to call out to them, but the sight of him wrapping his arms around her, and of the glowing smile on her face as she looked up into his eyes, grabbed my heart and my call died on my lips. They looked so natural together.

  And that's when I realized how much I wanted this for Tabby, too. When I was the only mom there at Doughnuts for Dads at the preschool, I held it together long enough to get home before I dissolved into tears. My heart sunk whenever I'd see a dad pushing his daughter on a swing, and, strangely, the feeling would be followed by a wave of guilt.

  I watched as he searched around, but Tabby dragged him away before I could reach them. I called out, but with all the noise, I doubt anyone even heard me. I wandered around to check out the various rides and ran into Zoe and Scott.

  "You want to go with us now?" Scott asked eagerly, looking even more like his dad wet.

  "Yeah," Zoe added. "There's a three-way race up there. We'll take you on."

  "Well, I can hardly walk away from a challenge like that. Lead the way."

  As we climbed the stairs, I stayed toward the middle, the height making me dizzy, and I chatted about school with the kids to keep my mind off it. I remembered Tucker mentioning Scott liked to play baseball when I talked to him on the phone one time and asked about that. It was fun to watch how excited he got when he talked about something that made him passionate. After a while, I turned and addressed Zoe. "You got that swimming suit at Aeropostale, didn't you?" Her eyes widened, and she nodded. "I saw that one and I loved it. I thought maybe it was a little young for me. It looks great on you."

  "Thanks." Her face eased into a genuine smile. "I like yours, too. Where'd you get it?"

  "Oh, this thing is so old, I don't remember where I got it..." I returned, thinking. "I probably got it at Wal-Mart. I get almost everything at Wal-Mart."

  She nodded. Then I realized, taking a deep breath, we had reached the top. Scott grabbed my hand. "This way. You have to get a mat."

  And so, I found myself on "The Matador," kneeling on a blue, spongy mat, holding the end in my hands and looking across at Scott and Zoe in similar positions, grins of expectancy on their faces. The lights above the three tubes blinked down in a line, yellow... yellow... yellow... green, GO. With a whoop they were gone, a half-second ahead of me. I pushed off the back with my feet and dived into the dark tunnel. I twisted and turned, riding up the sides of the slide at heart-racing speed, water splashing in my face. I laughed and screamed alternately, immediately feeling that special thrill of racing downhill. No longer mother, lover, widow—just Dani, not a care in the world other than reaching the end. I shot out of the tunnel neck-and-neck with Zoe and Scott. When we glided to an end we turned around and read the electronic display. To my delight, "WINNER" flashed above my lane along with a picture of a trophy.

  "Yes!" I screamed as Zoe and Scott groaned in tandem. "I did it! I beat you guys." They frowned at me good-naturedly. "Oh, sorry. I guess I got too excited. But... I beat you! I beat you!" I danced a jig in the shallow water, forgetting the lifeguard waited for us to clear the tracks in order for the next racers to be sent. He smiled at me anyway, amused by my antics, I suppose.

  We raced two more times, Scott and Zoe each winning a race, thankfully. "I didn't get a good start that time. My feet slipped on the end, and I didn't even get to push off," I grumbled, though I was teasing.

  Scott rolled his eyes. "Yeah, whatever."

  I laughed and congratulated him, then he asked, "Wanna try the 'Python Plunge' next?" I looked up at the steep black slide. "It's a body flume so you don't need a mat or tube or anything." Funny how he made that sound like a plus.

  "Hmm... I think I'll skip out on this one. I want to check on your dad. See if Tabby is driving him crazy yet." It pleased me to note they looked a little disappointed. "You two go on and hang out together. We've got all night. I'll go down with you some more later."

  "Okay." They took off, talking excitedly about their game plan for attacking the slides. I checked around for Tucker and Tabby for about ten minutes, then decided to stake them out in the hot tub. Centrally located, with plants on three sides, it seemed like an oasis in the zooey atmosphere of the slides. Only five people occupied the huge, kidney-bean-shaped hot tub. I sat in the end opposite of the others, stretching my arms out across the far edge and letting my head fall back and my eyes close, with a moan. It had been a long drive, and was also the last day of school, which meant Max wanted to clean out the pantry, taking expired food out to the dumpster and rearranging and inventorying what was left. I don't know how many cases of canned goods I lugged, lifted, tugged, shifted, and carried before we took off. I sighed, the hot water unbelievably soothing on my aching muscles.

  I'd been seeing my therapist again since my freak out in Iowa City. I knew I wanted this relationship to work, and I knew I needed help with that. Professional help. The doctor believed I hadn't fully let go of Darren yet. But how did one do that? How do you let go of a love meant to last a lifetime? I had to figure it out. I pushed the thought from my mind and endeavored to relax.

  I lost track of time. Hands gripped my legs, moving from the knees up. I opened my eyes.

  "Tucker!"

  He frowned. "Were you expecting someone else?"

  "No. You scared me. Where's Tabby?"

  "Scooter and Zoe took her on a ride. Don't worry. I told them to choose a mild one."

  I locked my arms around his neck. "You mean... we're alone?"

  "Except for the handful of people over there," he said, jerking his head toward the other side of the pool.

  "Forget about them," I purred, bringing my lips to his. His hungry response caught me off-guard and after a few moments I had to gently push him off.

  He looked around and smiled at the rest of the group, who were either staring at us with irritation or amusement. "Sorry. We haven't seen each other in two months."

  A slender, older man with a big bushy mustache and thick eyebrows spoke up with a southern drawl. "If I had myself a little filly like that one son, I sure as shootin' would be kissing her, too."

  "Oh, you old coot," his wife said, slapping him across the chest, her gray curls bobbing.

  "Ouch! Woman!"

  The two went on to playfully tease each other but my attention returned to Tucker. He moved in for another kiss, but my warning look stopped him.

  "Sorry," he said sheepishly. "I'll be good."

  He sat on the ledge next to me and pouted until I ran my hand up his leg under the water. He laughed and shifted, putting his arm around me. "Thank you for inviting us, Dani. This is great."

  I smiled. "You sound like Scottie."

  His eyebrows rose. "Scooter said that?" I nod
ded. "Wow. Without any prompting."

  "They're great, Tucker. Both of them. You've done a wonderful job raising them by yourself."

  "As you have with Tabby. She's such a doll."

  "Thank you." I sighed. "She's the light of my life. I'm so glad you two got along together."

  There was a pause. Then Tucker brought his head close to mine. "She told me you were going to kiss me." He smiled smugly.

  "Wow." I winced. "I really should have seen that one coming."

  "And she told me you like me."

  I hoped the heat of the water covered the blush rising in my cheeks. "Well... I... I..."

  "And I told her..." he moved out in front of me again, putting a hand on the wall on either side of me. "I like you, too," he ended softly, brushing his lips over mine. He looked at me with those intense green eyes of his and I was struck dumb. Luckily the kids showed and clamored into the pool with us.

  Scottie waded in our direction. "Cool. A hot tub."

  "Mommy. Mommy." Tabby paddled to me. My little fish. "I went on the really big slide with Scottie."

  "You did?" I ladled her onto my lap, turning to Scott. "She didn't break your ear drums, did she?"

  He laughed, sticking a finger in his ear and shaking it. "Yeah. I think she did."

  "And Zoe said she'd braid my hair later."

  I looked at Zoe, and she smiled brightly. "Wow. Sounds like you are having a good time."

  "I am, Mommy."

  Tucker tapped her arm. "Do you want to go on another ride with me?"

  "No. You and Mommy go together," she bossed. "I'm staying in the bath tub with Zoe and Scottie."

  "Uhh, that's hot tub, squirt," Scottie corrected. He held out his hands and, to my surprise, she swam into them. He perched her on his knee and Zoe sat on the opposite side, tickling Tabby, who giggled like crazy.

  "Okay," I said with feigned resignation. "I think we've been given our marching orders."

  Tucker's eyes widened. "I guess we have."

  We climbed out of the pool, but before we could get far, Tabby called out, "Mommy?"

  "Yes, baby?"

  "You can kiss Tucker now."

  "Oh, she done took care of that already, little lady," the old Texan said, and everyone laughed. Zoe and Scott looked at us with arched eyebrows, but their faces were still bright.

  We turned away. "Okay, that was really embarrassing."

  "Don't worry." Tucker put a hand on my lower back as we walked. "We'll never see these people again."

  "Except for our kids."

  "They're fine with it. Heck, Tabby encouraged it." I jabbed my elbow into his ribs. He chuckled. "Okay, where to?"

  "Anywhere is fine."

  "Wanna try the 'Jungle Adventure?' That's the one Tabby and I first went on."

  "Sure." We climbed the stairs. I tried not to picture headlines reading something like "Hundreds Killed When Water Park Slide Collapses."

  "You didn't wait there by yourself for Tabby and me the whole time we were on the slides, did you?" he asked like the idea just occurred to him.

  "No. I went down the 'Matador' with Zoe and Scott. Beat them, too."

  He raised an eyebrow. "How'd they take that?"

  "Well," I said, looking at him sideways, "my victory dance may have been... a tad over the top."

  "No way. The kids would enjoy a good victory dance, as long as you really whooped it up."

  "Oh, I think you could say I did, judging by the way the lifeguard eyed me."

  "I'm betting it wasn't your victory dance he was ogling." He let his gaze roam over me. "That swim suit is... hot."

  "Whatever." I pushed against his chest, self-conscious. I made the mistake of glancing to my left and seeing the many levels of steps we already climbed and the tiny, wet people running below us. My stomach swerved, but I forced myself to look away and forget it.

  Before long, although it seemed like forever, we'd reached the front of the line, and I climbed into the forward part of the tube while Tucker took the back. I held on to his legs, my heart beating fast as the yawning mouth of the slide lay before us. I couldn't help but feel like I was taking the plunge in my life as well, letting myself open again, which was as thrilling and terrifying as the ride we were on.

  "Here we go!" Tucker shouted as the darkness swallowed us.

  Chapter 12

  Tucker

  The condo Danielle's dad got her was nice. Very nice. Plush carpeting led up to a huge stone fireplace. I crossed to French doors to peer out and take in the great view of the woods leading down to the Wisconsin River.

  "This is fantastic, Danielle. I don't think I've stayed at a nicer place."

  "Yeah," she said softly, with almost a wistful quality to her tone. I turned to study her as she ran a hand along the granite countertops in the kitchen. I crossed the room to take her into my arms. The kids were busy running from room to room to set claim to their bedrooms. "You miss your dad?"

  She nodded, getting choked up and laying her head on my chest. Tabby raced in. "Mommy. Mommy. Come see our bedroom."

  Dani fought back the tears for her little girl, but when she spoke her voice was strangled. "Okay, baby. Show me." She placed her hand into Tabby's and let herself be led away.

  "I gave Danielle and Tabby the best room," Scott said proudly.

  "Good boy." I placed a hand on his shoulder. "Is ours okay?" I asked cocking my head.

  He gave me a wide grin. "Heck, yes. Let me show you."

  Since the condo had three rooms, it was decided Scottie and I would bunk together, and Dani and Tabby, and my precious teen, who so valued her privacy these days, would have her own room. We ate at a snack bar in the water park, and everyone was pretty tired, especially Tabby, whose eyelids fluttered shut from time to time when I carried her to the condominium. Now the excitement of the new room was over, she seemed ready to drop, although she begged for another half-hour, watching TV with Zoe in her room, under the blankets. Scottie came in eventually and they all enjoyed an old Disney movie together. I thought Scott and Zoe would soon get bored with the childish fare, but they ended up enjoying reminiscing about their younger days as much as Tabby liked seeing the movie for the first time.

  Dani and I decided to go out on the balcony and take in the cooler night air after a day indoors entrenched in a chlorine fog. Somewhere in the grass below, katydids rattled, sounding like children noisily arguing with each other. "No, I didn't. Yes, you did. No, I didn't. Yes, you did." I brought out a blanket and we curled up on a double Adirondack chair, Dani leaning into me.

  "This is nice," she murmured languidly.

  "It sure is." I kissed her head and breathed in the softly captivating fragrance of her hair, though somewhat masked by the smell of the pool water. Her skin and hair always had a fresh, citrusy smell.

  Long, lazy pauses interjected themselves between the pieces of our conversation, but it wasn't awkward at all. We were probably more comfortable than we should be together. But it was like that from the start. It felt right when we were together, something Gina and I didn't achieve in the five years we were married.

  "I think I'm even more beat than Tabitha. Max worked me to the bone today. If I see another case of "vegetarian beans" anytime soon, I'll scream."

  "I could shoot Max. Didn't she realize I would have special plans for you after the kids fell asleep?" I smiled, thinking of the jumbo box of condoms I brought with me. But she was strangely quiet.

  She sat, hands gripping the bottom of the chair on either side of her, shoulders hunched. "About that..." Ice formed in the pit of my stomach. "I was thinking today... Zoe is at a very impressionable age, and I don't want to give her the wrong idea about premarital sex."

  I hadn't thought it out that far. Didn't want to think it out that far. That Zoe would have any inkling we... or she might soon have a desire to... I sat quickly, too. "You're right. What was I thinking?"

  "The same thing I was thinking until a few hours ago, when I caught a lifeguard winking at Zo
e."

  "You saw what? A lifeguard winked at her? Which one?"

  She smiled. "Yes, Tucker. If you haven't noticed, your daughter is very striking."

  My face grew hot. "Well, yes. I noticed," I blustered. "But I didn't think anybody else did. The lifeguards have to be like... at least eighteen, don't they?"

  "Yes. But Zoe is fifteen. That's only a three-year difference. And she's very... mature for a girl her age."

  She didn't have to say it. I knew Zoe developed a lot over the past year, and I didn't much like the way her swimsuit now looked on her. Or the way she carried herself. So confidently. Dani swung a leg in circles. When she spoke, her voice was small. "Are you mad at me?"

  I looked at her, having forgotten for a moment she was even there. "No. No. Of course not. Come here." I eased back and held the blanket that fell from her shoulder when she sat. She curled up to my side. "We'll enjoy this beautiful, Wisconsin evening together." I sighed.

  But it didn't turn out to be as bad an evening as I expected. We talked and laughed about everything and nothing, until the wee hours of the morning, getting slap-happy toward the end and bringing ourselves to tears.

  We checked on the kids at one point and found them all asleep on Zoe's bed. We turned out the light, closed the door, and opened a bottle of wine that came complimentary with the rooms. We stood out on the balcony in the moonlight and clinked our glasses together before sipping the wine slowly, staring into each other's eyes. I stepped forward, setting our glasses aside, and lifted the hair up behind her neck, cupping my hand to tilt her wine-soaked lips to mine. I lost myself to her entirely. Her supple body molded against me, her skin trembling wherever I touched her.

  "Dani... the kids are asleep. They'll never know. Just this once? I've missed you so much," I practically begged.

  She pushed away and stumbled back from me a few steps, and my heart plummeted, my arms holding nothing but the empty air. Then she spoke, her voice hoarse. "Yes. Yes!" She brought her hands to her neck and before I could even blink, her top fell to the balcony floor. The moonlight caressed her, rolling like liquid silver over her, where I longed to be. Desire flooded me so strongly I had to reach out and grab the balcony's railing. Her face was serious as she worked on the knot of her skirt, still looking at me, and within seconds she stood completely naked. For all the world she looked like some exotic native girl from the imaginary Aztec village inside the water park. The light shimmered over her hips with a simple naturalness that took my breath away and froze me in my place.