The Bad Guys Chronicles Box Set

by Eric Ugland

  I knew it was a bit of bad form, but I wanted to see the master bedroom. So I crept over to the door and opened it just a hair. The snoring was very loud, almost overpowering.

  Leaning in, I gave a quick look about the room. There was a large four poster bed in the center of the far wall. Two wide windows overlooked the street, with diaphanous drapes that had been partially drawn to block out virtually none of the light. But it looked nice. Two figures were in the bed, one with a remarkably large belly, the other with a pillow over their head. There was a small sitting area to one side, and a large fireplace. Lots of fireplaces in this house. A beautiful mantle soared above the fireplace, made of a truly staggering amount of marble. Sitting on the mantle was a glorious golden clock, and above the clock was a hideous portrait of a porcine man clutching a sword while crushing a sad horse under his bulk. And mounted above the painting was a sword that looked exactly like the one being held aloft.

  I had to do it.

  It was a moral imperative.

  Chapter 94

  Because I’d definitely been using up too much of the good luck I had, my first step into the room landed right on a creaking floorboard. And not like a slight creak. A serious creak, like I’d stepped on asthmatic accordion.

  I dropped to the floor as the figures in the bed twisted and moved around. The snoring stopped.

  The carpet smelled musty.

  The homeowners continued to roll around. They muttered a bit. And then finally real settling. The bed squeaked and protested until the couple found their way back to sleep.

  Instead of getting up, I crawled along the floor until I felt the heat from the fire. Then, I crouched up, and looked back over at the bed.

  All quiet on the western front. The snoring hadn’t started up again. Which made me a little worried, since I couldn’t be sure both parties were fully asleep. They’d definitely woken up to some degree, and I just didn’t know if they’d get up and do something or—

  The fat guy started grumbling. Which made the thin one start mumbling. I froze again.

  Fat man threw his blankets to the side. I just stood there. Often, people notice movement more than something out of place.

  The big guy swung his feet to the ground and grunted as he got all the way up, definitely having more than a little trouble sitting up.

  I thought he was putting some slippers on, but that proved wrong when I heard the unmistakeable sound of someone peeing.

  It was a long pee.

  Really long.

  The man started groaning with pleasure. Or relief. Or both. He set his chamber pot down. Did some stretching and more groaning. Slowly, like agonizingly slowly, he got to his feet, and shuffled along his bed, yawning madly. He opened the door to his dressing room and exited the bedroom.

  Whomever remained in the bed definitely made a nasty sort of comment about the man who just left, and she pulled the covers all the way over her head.

  Time for me to move. I hopped onto the mantle, getting up on my tippy-toes, and snagged the sword off its mounting. Carefully, I dropped off the mantle, landing on the floor in the perfect Spiderman tripod, sword out to the side so I didn’t impale myself. And I did it in almost absolute silence.

  Cool Beans, you’ve learned the skill Silent Landing. Now you can land without making a noise. Significantly harder to detect.

  Bonus.

  I stayed in that position for long enough for me to feel comfortable that the sleeper was sleeping. Then I crawled along the floor until I got to the door to the other dressing room.

  From the far door, the fat man’s dressing room, came the soulful sound of someone sawing logs with wild abandon. Perfect. The snoring would cover up any noise I made exiting through the other dressing room.

  I reached up, opened the door, and crawled into the dressing room, not even caring what might be in there.

  I closed the door with my feet, and laid there on the soft carpet for a moment, finally taking a moment to breathe.

  Cool Beans, you’ve leveled up the skill Stealth. Increased sneakiness!

  Well, at least that was an added bonus to crawling through an occupied room.

  Having calmed down for the moment, I got to my feet and looked around the room. Super-soft carpet, some lounging couches, two large armoires, a tall leather-wrapped dresser, a table with a mirror on it, a small fireplace, and a very nice chest.

  I wished I had some sort of spell that could detect magic, because I had a feeling there were some magic items in the room. I started with the dresser, quickly going through the drawers. Clothing and unmentionables. I did a quick ruffle through with my hands, seeing if there was anything hidden inside.

  There wasn’t.

  The armoires held larger articles of clothing, and while I’m sure there was quite a bit of value in there, I didn’t know how to tell the big-ticket items from the rest. Nor was I willing to stuff my small bag full of gowns on the off chance I’d get some good coin from them.

  I sat down at the vanity and peeked into the small containers there. Some jewelry, which went into the bag, and something I figured was makeup. I left that.

  Next was the chest, but I froze before going at it since I heard the guard marching by outside.

  This time I thoroughly examined the chest, looking for anything that might indicate a trap.

  Nothing.

  It was unlocked, so I opened it.

  Shoes.

  Balls.

  I did snag a leather jacket, which I wrapped the sword in, and a belt, which I used to get the sword on my back. I wasn’t about to use the sword, so I didn’t really care that it was in a place I couldn’t actually get to.

  Finally, I made my way to the door and stepped outside.

  Remembering the direction the guard had been walking, I followed their path. I was starting to worry I’d spent more time in the house than I should have. The longer I was inside, the more mistakes I could potentially make. I could just leave the way I came, via the second floor window. But then again, I was curious about the ground floor.

  I stood there for a half-moment, and then decided that curiosity had to win out. So I continued on until I found the stairs. They were quite impressive, easily twenty feet across and really tall. A massive crystal chandelier hung above the stairs, and though it was loaded down with glowstones, they were all off. I could hear the guard moving on his route, and knew he’d likely come around the corner behind me soon, so I hurried down the stairs, which, thankfully, were carpeted. The floor, however, was tiled in a garish green marble that made me more annoyed than anything. All this money and really just an absence of taste. Not like I should be surprised, that seemed to be the hottest trend in the Bright.

  I’ll admit to being impressed by the high gloss on the marble. I could see a reflection of the chandelier in the surface of the tile, and I had the sense that with all the lights on, it’d be quite the sight. I tiptoed along until I got to a dark corner along the side of the staircase. There was a door there, and, needing a spot to hide while the guard traipsed along, I opened the it and stepped inside.

  It was a supply closet.

  There were stacks of folded white linens, a mop and bucket, and stacks and stacks of small paper boxes.

  I pried one open, and looked inside.

  A little glowstone.

  This was the Vuldranni equivalent of a lightbulb collection.

  I scooped as many of the boxes as I could into my satchel. Maybe ten. I wanted to take all of them. Titus insinuated glowstones were expensive, and I had two whole buildings to keep lit.

  What I wouldn’t have given for a bag of holding….

  The tromp of the guard went by overhead, so I slipped back out of the closet and did a quick survey of the connecting rooms on either side of the foyer. To one side, a lounge, to the other, a small open room I imagined was used for holding small balls. I could see it having enough space for, perhaps, twenty people to dance. Connected to the lounge, I could see a dining room, though nothi
ng was set out on the massive wooden table. I was willing to bet there was a kitchen on the other side of the place, and likely a pantry of sorts. Nothing that made me eager to explore, though, so I decided it was finally time to make my exit. I did, however, stop and grab a sheathed sword from an ornamental suit of armor standing in the lounge.

  I slipped that onto my belt. It’d come in handy should I need to beat down a monster on my trip home.

  While I tiptoed across the foyer’s marble floor, I heard a shriek from upstairs.

  Time to run.

  I had no idea, at the time, why someone might have been screaming. It sounded like a woman, so maybe she saw a spider. A sexist thought, but in the moment, that’s the thing that entered my head. To be fair, I often screamed when I saw spiders, too. I hate them. I know that’s not fair, but hey, I’m not fair. I’m a damn thief.

  While darting across the foyer, almost to the ballroom, I heard the handle jiggling as the guards outside started their way inside.

  In a move that I hoped would have made my little league coach proud, I slid.

  Marble floors are nearly perfect for sliding. I slipped along into the open ballroom just as the double front doors slammed inward, and the fully armored asshats crashed inside, making an unholy racket, like someone knocked over all the shelves in a Williams-Sonoma. They clanked along up the stairs, moving like they’d never actually bothered to learn how to run in their armor. I watched them go. Then I stood up, and calmly walked right out the front door.

  Chapter 95

  I saw no one outside, so I just kept on strolling out through the gates, and then on down the street. A carriage rocketed by, careening down the street. The horses’ hooves struck sparks off the cobblestones as they galloped along.

  I probably didn’t have to, but I dove to the side, doing my best to make sure I wasn’t about to be run over by some asshole driving like a madman in the middle of the night. As my face hit the iron bars of a fence, I wondered if I was watching the medieval equivalent of drunk driving.

  Shaking my head clear, I got back to walking, doing my best to turn a corner before I bothered to look back behind me. Which I didn’t really need to do, because as soon as I turned the corner, I heard the cacophony accompanying the guards coming back out of the house. It was impressive.

  I kept going down the street, pretending like I was exactly where I needed to be, that I’d always walked the streets of the Bright in the middle of the night. I moved closer to the walls along the roads, and in doing so, I was completely overlooked by a guard clanking by, running as best he could. I could hear his ragged breathing echoing out through his full helm, and I felt bad for the guy. Not enough to help him, not that I could really do anything for the man, but I still had a slightly bad feeling. The response to thievery seemed out of proportion. I mean, I hadn’t actually seen the response to any kind of crime yet, but the running, the screaming? That just seemed, well, a bit extra.

  Still, not my problem. My problem was keeping my head down and walking with a brisk, completely unsuspicious pace south-west towards my home. I took turns when I could, getting as far away from the house as I could, and doing my best to take a different path than the guard. Guessing he was running for the City Guard.

  I let out a long sigh when I got to the next neighborhood. Then I just hoofed it straight south, going as fast as I could on a small avenue until I hit the Via Principalis. At that point, I hired a carriage, and had the kindly old man take me to the Grand Market. I wanted to ditch the goods into Gideon’s immoral hands.

  I leaned back against the hard wooden seats, and held the magic sword in my hands. I was so damn curious about the thing, and I was also intensely curious about the paired books, wondering who the minister of agriculture was so busy talking with in secret. I realized that it might not have been super secret, just general government secret, and the books were only kept in the secret room for security reasons.

  A mystery to be solved another day. Though, given the time, it was likely I’d start on the mystery later that day.

  As expected, Gideon was up. Well, his lights were on and he was stand-sitting on his weird stool behind the counter. When I entered the store, he looked up and then nodded at me.

  I set my account coin on the counter. He picked it up, looked at it, nodded, set it on the counter, and reached his hands out. I took his hands, we did the warm-cool thing, which, you know, though a bit weird, it also felt kind of relaxing now.

  “You have things to sell, or you wish to buy?” he asked, dropping my hands from his.

  “I’ve got a few things to sell,” I said.

  I put the sword onto the counter, then carefully dumped the rest of the goods out next to it. I kept the paired journals in the satchel. And while I considered selling the sword I’d snatched from the empty armor, but I figured it was probably worthless.

  “Do you need us to identify these items?” Gideon asked.

  I nodded, and pointed out the sword and the items from the little chest.

  Gideon reached out and touched the items one at a time. I watched his face for any indication of what I might have.

  His face never changed. The dude would’ve killed at poker.

  “You wish to sell all these?” Gideon asked.

  “I’d like to know what these are,” I said, “but likely, yes.”

  He did a quick count. “Fourteen items,” he said. “Twenty-eight gold.”

  That hurt. But I didn’t have a choice.

  “Do I have that in credit?”

  He nodded once, deeply.

  “Done,” I replied.

  He did some finger waggling across the items, and I felt the little tingle of magic.

  “You have brought us something special,” Gideon said. “This sword has surprised us, for it is an artifact.”

  “That’s good,” I bluffed, considering I never really had a grasp on what Gideon actually meant, unless it was painfully literal.

  “It is good for us.”

  “But not for me?”

  “There is little value for this sword.”

  “It’s an artifact.”

  “A known artifact.”

  “I’m sorry, maybe I haven’t slept enough, but—”

  “It is an object known through much of the world. Few will be willing to purchase it.”

  “But you will?”

  “We will, but the value is not what you might imagine.”

  “Twenty-eight gold?”

  There was a hint of a smile on his face, but he shook his head.

  “Nothing quite so base. We appreciate an item of this quality and understand you cannot use it in your home city, so we will give you an item of, perhaps, lesser value, but of value to you nonetheless. Provided, of course, you are hoping to sell this sword.”

  I looked at the sword. Always best to know what it is you’re selling prior to selling it. I know it sounds like common sense, but I’ve been burned in the past. And burned others. It irked me that I couldn’t identify the sword myself yet. I needed to look into the spell because having Gideon identify everything was probably my biggest expense in Vuldranni.

  GreenBane

  Item Type: Mythic

  Item Class: One-handed Melee, Two-handed Melee

  Material: Blessed Steel

  Damage: 30-80 (Slashing)

  Durability: n/a

  Weight: 4.8 lbs

  Requirements: Str 8, non-orc, non-goblinoid

  Description: A straight bladed sword having a cruciform hilt with a grip for one or two handed use, the GreenBane deals quadruple damage against all “greenskins”, those of orcish or goblinoid descent. GreenBane’s blade burns with a green flame in the presence of “greenskins”.

  It was an impressive weapon, but a little specific. I’d yet to see a greenskin of any kind, and certainly hadn’t seen one I needed to kill.

  “Yeah,” I said, “deal.”

  Gideon smiled his creepy smile and one of the little ghoulish things came out o
f wherever they came out of. It snatched the magical sword artifact and disappeared it into the depths of the store. The things always moved so damn quickly. And then, they just somehow slipped back behind Gideon. Bizarre.

  Then, I went over the rest of the identified items in quick succession, just seeing if there was anything I wanted to keep. I was always a little hesitant to keep items I stole. While the chances were small I’d get caught using the magic items I’d snagged, why even invite the possibility? I mean, unless it was something so totally amazing. Which, you know, it probably wouldn’t be unless it was an artifact, and I’d already been told I wasn’t going to be able to keep that because it was so unique someone would totally notice me using it.

  Ring of Health Storage

  Item Type: Epic

  Item Class: Ring

  Material: Blessed Gold

  Weight: .2 lbs

  Requirements: None

  Description: A simple reddish gold band, the Ring of Health Storage, like its name implies, holds health. The wearer may transfer HP to the ring, up to 200 HP, to be pulled from the ring the next time the wearer suffers damage. Health pull is automatic.

  Ring of Sight

  Item Type: Rare

  Item Class: Ring

  Material: Celestium

  Weight: .2 lbs

  Requirements: None

  Description: A light blue band ringed with carved eyes, the Ring of Sight allows the wearer to see greater distances, allowing full clarity for 1000 feet.

  Ronald’s Ring

  Item Type: Uncommon

  Item Class: Ring

  Material: Gold

  Weight: .2 lbs

  Requirements: None

  Description: A simple golden band with a man’s face on the top, Ronald’s Ring allows the wearer to see through non-magical disguises.