The Bad Guys Chronicles Box Set

by Eric Ugland

  Ring of Persuasion

  Item Type: Rare

  Item Class: Ring

  Material: Rose Quartz, rubies

  Weight: .2 lbs

  Requirements: None

  Description: A stone band inset with rubies, the Ring of Persuasion allows the wearer to cast the spell Persuasion on another sentient being once per day.

  Ring of Counterspell

  Item Type: Epic

  Item Class: Ring

  Material: Blue Gold

  Weight: .2 lbs

  Requirements: None

  Description: A deep blue metallic band, the ring of counterspell allows the wearer to attempt a counter of any spell, twice per day.

  Ring of TrueSight

  Item Type: Rare

  Item Class: Ring

  Material: Clay

  Weight: .02 lbs

  Requirements: None

  Description: A simple clay band that feels unusually cool, the Ring of TrueSight allows the wearer five minutes per day of TrueSight wherein no illusions may remain in place.

  Broach of Stone Seeming

  Item Type: Epic

  Item Class: Broach

  Material: Granite, gold, onyx

  Weight: .25 lbs

  Requirements: None

  Description: A heavy-looking broach made out of a piece of black granite ringed with gold and studded with polished onyx, the Broach of Stone Seeming allows the wearer to appear to be part of any stone wall. The illusion can withstand high levels of TrueSight, but not touch.

  Cloak of Spiderkin

  Item Type: Epic

  Item Class: Cloak

  Material: Giant Spider Silk

  Durability: Epic

  Weight: .8 lbs

  Requirements: None

  Description: A gossamer cloak that weighs next to nothing, the cloak of spiderkin allows the wearer to move up, down, and across vertical surfaces and upside down along ceilings without the use of hands at a normal walking pace. The wearer gains a 80% resistance to Nature-based poisons. Once-per-day, you may use the cloak to make a web up to 100 feet in diameter.

  Damn. That cloak. I wanted the cloak. And yes, it was pretty specific. It would be really easy for someone to notice the cloak if I was ever to use it. I sighed, and pushed it over into the sale pile.

  Vicious Mockery Spellbook

  Sticks to Snakes Spellbook

  Guise of the Yak Spellbook

  Boost Fire Spellbook

  I pocketed the spellbooks. I wanted the spells, I always wanted spells, but I’d promised not to use spellbooks. But I could always see if Careena was willing to teach me a spell in return for giving her the books.

  “I’m selling everything but the books,” I said. “Put it in credit.”

  Sure I was putting a lot of my money in the hands of Gideon, but he did seem to have nearly everything I could think I needed. And I didn’t want to carry a lot of coin around with me. It made sense to use Gideon as a bank. So far, he’d screwed me less than any of the banks I’d used on Earth.

  I took the loose jewels and various bits of jewelry, all the non-magical elements I’d lifted from the minister of agriculture, and I spread them on the counter.

  “Selling these as well,” I said. “But I think I need some coin.”

  I had the bag of platinum coins I scored from the mansion, but I felt weird spending platinum on midnight carriage rides and the like. I just wasn’t sure any of the drivers would have change, or being willing to make it.

  He nodded, and picked them up one by one, peeking carefully at them, then setting them in separate piles.

  “Six hundred gold,” he said.

  “Can you throw a coin pouch in with that?”

  “We will give you five hundred and ninety eight gold, and your choice of leather coin bags.” Some of the figures darted out, and ran over to a crate. They rummaged around, and zipped back over to the counter setting out a rather impressive kaleidoscope of colored leather. I picked brown. Boring, staid, the basic, tried-and-true brown leather bag.

  Gideon smiled again, something I swore felt like he was doing his best imitation of a smile. A figure darted out, scooped all the bags off and put them back in their cate. A moment later, there was a heavy clank on the counter, and Gideon pointed a long finger at a heavy brown bag of gold.

  “598 gold,” he said. “A mixture of metals for you at no additional cost.”

  “Thanks, buddy,” I said, and snatched the leather bag. I took a moment to paw through it, and it looked to be somewhere in the neighborhood of correct. Kind of tough to count that much coinage, especially in public and under the watchful-yet-creepy gaze of Gideon.

  He gave a nod to me, and held up a hand. “Prior to you leaving,” he said, “I will give you payment for the artifact.”

  Chapter 96

  For the first time, two of the figures crossed over the counter, and even though I tried to get a good look at them, all I saw were their robes. Their cowls were pulled up, and their faces, if they had them, were buried deep in shadow. The two figures darted behind me and pulled wooden shutters closed over all the windows. Then they lowered a hunk of stone across the door. It was like the medieval version of a modern bank’s robbery safeguards.

  I turned back to Gideon and the counter. He’d been busy too, putting three cases out on the counter.

  “We have debated, and offer this choice to you,” he said. “You may choose one.”

  Without Gideon moving in the slightest, all three cases opened, their lids lifting slowly to reveal the objects held within.

  The first was empty, which was a bit confusing, but of course there was something more there.

  The second held a large sword, with a very wide very dark blade. The hilt was wrapped in black leather, and it had a large black polished stone in the pommel.

  Carr’s Crimson Cutlass

  Item Type: Mythic

  Item Class: One-handed Melee

  Material: Red Gold, Hippogriff hide

  Damage: 100-250 (Slashing)

  Durability: n/a

  Weight: 2.8 lbs

  Requirements: Red Blood

  Description: A shorter sword with a slightly curved blade and a basket hilt, Carr’s Crimson Cutlass was the weapon of choice for nearly a century of pirating along the Pwatani Coast. The Cutlass causes immense bleeding damage that is impervious to magical healing.

  The third was a pair of boots. Compared to the case they were in, with its velvet lining and all the secrecy surrounding the whole thing, I was a bit taken aback by how plain they looked. I mean, they looked soft and comfortable, but they were just boots all the same. Not quite as comfy-looking as Uggs, but it’s not like there were Pumpkin Spiced Lattes in Glaton either. I could only become so basic in this place, I supposed. Then again, things in Vuldranni always turned out to be more than they seemed.

  Seven League Boots

  Item Type: Mythic

  Item Class: Light

  Material: Bityugi Leather

  Armor: +12

  Durability: Infinite

  Weight: 4 pounds

  Requirements: n/a

  Description: Made from tough, flexible bityugi leather, the Seven League Boots aren’t necessarily comfortable, but they do offer excellent support. Each step taken in the boots is translated to seven leagues. The first step is a doozy.

  Two solid choices. Except that neither one was particularly useful for me.

  The sword was awesome, don’t get me wrong. But again, really geared toward killing, and that just wasn’t a skill I was depending on in the same way I was on others. Like sneaking around. And ideally, not killing anyone. I also had to think of the damn spell I’d discovered. I’d gotten some juicy stuff from killing my former friend. What about people I didn’t know? Or, worse, didn’t like? Would I injure them with this dope sword and then just go around draining everything I could? I could see becoming very powerful and very evil that way. So the sword was out.

  The boots would be
super useful if I was doing something like delivering packages across the continents. However, given the parameters of city living, it’d just be me slamming myself into walls and then being exhausted. I just didn’t need to travel the distances required to make the boots work, being that each step was basically running a marathon. In fact, I wasn’t sure where there would be so much wide open space to make boots like that worthwhile.

  So that left the empty case.

  “What’s the deal with that one, Gideon?” I asked, pointing at the empty case.

  He gave his smile, and gestured his hand towards it.

  “We know you have an interest in magic and desire to know spells. We are willing to give you knowledge of a very special spell in return for the artifact you have given us.”

  “It’d have to be some spell to match these two things,” I said.

  “We believe it is of equal or greater value,” Gideon replied.

  I know I’d promised Careena I wouldn’t accept more spells. But maybe this was okay.

  “What’s the spell?” I asked.

  “You must accept without knowing, for we cannot utter it aloud.”

  “That’s quite the spell,” I said. “But okay, let’s do it. Is it a book?”

  Gideon shook his head.

  One of the little figures darted out, and hopped up on the counter.

  It had its hood pulled lower than normal, so I didn’t even try to make an attempt to look at the creature’s face.

  Two tiny hands with abnormally long fingers came out of the ends of the robe, and reached out for me.

  I didn’t even hesitate, I just reached my own hands out in return. The creature’s fingers coiled nearly all the way around my hands. I took a deep breath and smashed the rising revulsion back down. This was the price I had to pay for magic.

  The hands were soft, but warm.

  “Be aware,” Gideon said, “we expect this will hurt.”

  “Wait, what?”

  Then the pain came on.

  He was right.

  Hurt like a motherplucker.

  Burning pain lanced up from the little figure’s fingers, coiling around my arms and shooting through my torso before attacking my brain. There, white light exploded, and all I could sense was exquisite pain. It seemed to last forever, but I knew it was over in almost an instant. I was suddenly completely exhausted.

  You have been GIVEN the spell SUMMON OUTSIDER GUARDIAN.

  Summon Outsider Guardian allows you to summon a creature from beyond the boundaries of the known planes to guard you or a place you designate. You may only have one guardian at a time. When the outsider is reduced to zero hitpoints, it likely returns from whence it came.

  I opened my eyes, and saw the ceiling of the shop.

  Slowly, very slowly, I got to my feet. The whole of me ached.

  “You have survived,” Gideon said.

  I noticed a scorch mark on the counter where the little figure had been standing.

  “Uh, I did.”

  “We are pleased,” Gideon said. “But this has cost us much energy, and we would like you to leave.”

  He gestured at the door. Probably because I was tired and weirded out at the whole thing, I left without another word.

  Chapter 97

  It was still dark out, though there was a hint of light on the eastern edge of the sky. Dawn was quickly approaching. I needed to get home and grab what little rest I could prior to meeting with Careena and getting grilled on whatever terrible things I’d done. So I made my way along the streets towards Old Town.

  I didn’t really understand the spell I’d just gotten, despite reading over the description time and time again. It assumed I knew what an Outsider was, and I just didn’t. Was the Outside another realm, like Hell or the Shadow Realm? Was I an Outsider? For all the information this crazy game-world gave you, there were some glaring deficiencies at the same time. What I wouldn’t give for a wiki of some kind. I wondered if that was something I could make, if there would be any actual advantage to that. Maybe someone already had. Maybe there was some Vuldranni version of Aristotle who’d studied everything and wrote a book about how it worked. Even if it was wrong, it’d still be useful for me.

  I thought back over the interaction with Gideon as I strolled along the cobblestone street. He seemed happy with things, which definitely made me suspect. Any fence I’d dealt with in the past that’d been happy was definitely in the midst of screwing me over. But at the same time, the spell seemed to have actually cost the dude something — even if it wasn’t money, it was something. He’d looked like crap when I left, and it definitely seemed like one of his little guys had, uh, exploded while teaching me the spell. Some price to pay. Also, he’d been a little surprised I’d survived the ordeal. Which made me question things more than a little.

  Despite the time of day, I’d already packed quite a bit in, so I suppose I’ll give myself a pass for not paying attention to things. Which is why I didn’t notice the man attacking me until his sword was at my throat.

  “Looks like you’ve a heavy purse there, poppet,” he said.

  He was a gross human. Tall, balding with wisps of long hair around the crown of his head, weighted down with more grease than McDonald’s uses. The few teeth he had were a wide range of dark colors, and his lips were nearly black with filth. His yellowed nails were thick with grime and other foul things I didn’t want to think about. He wore rusty chainmail over rags, and the way his rheumy eyes darted about told me he was on something.

  “Hand it over,” he said.

  “The purse?” I asked, knowing what he meant but needing to buy some time.

  “Of course the purse,” he snapped as flecks of fetid saliva spewed on me.

  “Say it, don’t spray it,” I said on pure instinct.

  He reared back and hocked up a really juicy sounding loogie.

  In that moment, though, I drew my sword.

  Or, should I say, I attempted to draw my sword.

  Instead, I pulled on the hilt, and the whole thing tugged at my belt. I yanked a second time as the man’s spit-missile rocketed out of his mouth and towards my face.

  Again, the sword refused to come out of its scabbard.

  But, as the mucus splashed across my cheek, I pulled as hard as I could, tearing through the shoddy knot I’d used to tie the sword to my belt, and the whole thing came out in a terrific arc, hitting his rusty blade with a sharp ring. That alone almost knocked it out of his hand.

  I hopped back two big steps and wiped my cheek with my sleeve.

  The man looked stunned, like he hadn’t noticed the sword at my side. Then he smiled, ready to fight.

  “I was going to just take the coin and let you go,” he said, though I had a feeling he was lying about that. “Now I’m going to kill you. And enjoy it. Maybe feast on some tasty elf flesh. Tastes sweet like sugar, you do.”

  I tried once more to get the scabbard off, but it was on tight. Or, you know, I’d quite possibly grabbed something that was purely for aesthetics and wasn’t a sword at all.

  “You do you, boo boo,” was all I could think to say. So I said it. And confused the man once more. But that gave me the chance to fire off my identification spell and get the truth out about my current weapon.

  Decorative Sheathed Sword

  Item Type: Common

  Item Class: Decoration

  Material: Leather, Gold

  Damage: 10-20 (Bludgeoning)

  Durability: 8/12

  Weight: 4.8 lbs

  Requirements: A willingness to think it’s a sword.

  Description: Something that looks like a sword, but is purely for decoration.

  Well, shit.

  He came at me much faster than I was anticipating, given the way the man looked. But I had an ace up my sleeve. Or, rather, I had Peregrine. The levels I got from him in sword made it almost trivial to parry the spitter’s attacks.

  Time and again the man swung his blade — overhand, from the side, stab
s and thrusts and all sorts of maneuvers I didn’t have names for. But I knew how to counter them. My sword arm worked of its own volition. Almost.

  As I fought I could see the danger in relying on skill levels over actual training and technique. I just didn’t have the knowledge to get ahead of the spitter. I had to wait for him to move before my skill took over and let me know where and how to move the sword to counter. At least Spitter was getting frustrated, swinging harder and harder as he tried to break through my defenses. And, perhaps because I had no idea how to attack, he had no luck.

  Finally, he stopped, breathing hard. He stuck his sword point down in the street, and leaned over.

  For a moment, he just sucked in air. Then he paused, and threw up.

  And I finally saw a move I could make.

  I took a nice upswing with the hunk of metal pretending to be a sword, and smacked the man straight in the face.

  His hips worked as a hinge, and he went up and over, falling down and cracking his head on the rocks with a hollow sounding thunk.

  He laid there in his own vomit, gasping for breath.

  “Think I’ll keep the purse,” I said. “If it’s all the same to you.”

  For good measure, I dropped the useless ornamental sword on him, and walked away.

  Chapter 98

  I got home without additional issue. Going up the stairs took effort, and once inside, I really just wanted to lay down and go to bed. Small problem though: someone was already there.

  Shae.

  I don’t know why I was surprised — she had no where else to go, of course. As soon as she’d finished her shift, she’d have gone back to the same place she spent the night prior. I had saved her, but also made her homeless, so perhaps I owed her a place to live. It was just the polite thing to do.