Rebuild My Heart

by Ariel Tachna

  “Anything I can help with?” Derek asked as he set the water to boil for the spaghetti.

  “Maybe. The social worker has to do a home visit to determine that Ephah is living somewhere safe. I know the basement isn’t completely finished, but I was hoping we could get the two bedrooms and the bathroom done in the next week or so. That way Ephah and I can move down there so he’d have his own room instead of sleeping on the pullout couch. I don’t think they’d take him away from me because of the couch, but the more stable things look, the better.”

  Derek nodded. “The master bedroom just needs the carpet laid. I was waiting to do all the floors at once, but we can see about putting a rush on the carpet in there. The office area downstairs isn’t quite as far along, but if we moved you down to the master bedroom, Ephah could have your room upstairs. That would take care of him being on the couch.” Derek winked. “And it would give us a bit of privacy too.”

  It was tempting, but Owen had read all the guidelines about what Child Protective Services required as far as safety. “I’m not sure it’s a good idea for him to be upstairs while I’m in the basement. What if something happened? I wouldn’t even hear it. No, I think it’s better to wait until we can both move downstairs. Then we can show CPS a mostly finished project rather than let them see us living in a construction zone. I know Ephah’s not a baby or anything, but their regulations are pretty strict, regardless of the age of the child in question. I don’t want him sent back home just because I’m in the middle of remodeling.”

  “I’d think you could make the argument that the remodeling will make things better for him rather than less safe,” Derek said.

  “Once it’s done, yes, but when we finish the basement, we should wait to start the next stage until we get a ruling on him staying with me.”

  Derek frowned. “If you’re sure that’s necessary, I’ll let Thane know. We can be out of your hair in a couple of weeks at the most.”

  “Thank you, Derek. Your help means a lot to me.”

  Chapter Twenty-Three

  SRY. Have 2 cancel. C u 2mrw?

  Derek stared at the text from Owen. At least the first time Owen had canceled a date, he’d done so in person and with an explanation. Derek had understood when Owen explained about the new-parent orientation at Henry Clay and that he hadn’t known about it until that morning since he’d only just gotten Ephah registered. He hadn’t been happy, but he’d understood, and they’d rescheduled for tonight.

  This time Owen hadn’t bothered to call or give an explanation. Fuck his life.

  Derek debated what to do with his suddenly free evening. He could go over to Thane’s. Blake and Thane would keep Kit and Phillip from asking too many probing questions about his presence, probably through the simple expedient of kicking them under the table. Thane would ply him with beer. Blake would get out the bourbon—the cheap stuff since Derek didn’t have the palate to appreciate the fancy stuff—and they’d get him quietly drunk enough to pour out all the ache that had been building in his chest over the past couple of weeks. In the morning, Blake would pour coffee into him, and Thane would go over to the bookstore to get the final approval for stage one of Owen’s renovations with the excuse that he always did a final walk-through of any project they did. Owen would never know.

  At the rate things were going, Owen probably wouldn’t even notice, Derek thought bitterly.

  No, that wasn’t fair. Owen was trying to adjust to a new, stressful situation, one he hadn’t asked for or expected to come his way. He was doing his best to take care of Ephah and navigate the social services system with nothing more than his own determination to protect his nephew on his side. Derek might be feeling a little—or a lot—neglected, but he couldn’t blame Owen for looking out for Ephah. Hell, if Derek had nephews, he’d do the same. He admired Owen for what he was doing. He just wasn’t sure how long he could be in a relationship with him while he was doing it.

  Which was why he didn’t call Thane or get in his truck and drive over there. He’d helped—was still helping—Thane do exactly what he had an issue with Owen doing. He wasn’t so far gone into self-pity to miss the irony of that statement. But he wasn’t in love with Thane, no matter how much he loved him, and that made all the difference.

  Brian, on the other hand, would understand. They’d lived through the same experiences, struggled with the same sense of abandonment, and were both still single because they couldn’t seem to find someone who would commit to them at the level they needed to feel safe in a relationship. He punched Brian’s name on his phone.

  “Heya, little brother. I thought you had a date tonight.”

  “I did,” Derek said. “Now I don’t.”

  “He canceled again?” Brian asked.

  “Yeah.”

  “That’s twice in a week. You doing okay?”

  “I don’t know,” Derek admitted. “I’m trying to tell myself this is a phase, everything is thrown off by his nephew arriving, but I don’t know how well that’s working.”

  “There’s a reason I never wanted to have kids,” Brian said. “Kids, even mostly grown ones, are hard work. They take all a parent, or both parents, have to give, and they don’t leave time for much else, especially at first. I’ve got nothing but respect for people who can make a relationship work under those circumstances, but I couldn’t ever do it.”

  He’d known Brian would understand. “Yeah, I watch Blake and Thane and wonder how they do it most days, but they always seem to juggle everything—their work schedules, the boys’ activities, and time for each other. I mean, I guess it helps a little that Blake works at the theater with them and Thane volunteers some when they’re building the sets, but Blake has other commitments and Thane can’t always get away to help out, but they still seem to have found a balance.”

  “Thane always had Lily and later you,” Brian said. “Whatever other issues he faced, he never felt abandoned. How could he with Lily right there all the time? You three were in high school before I ever saw you without her.”

  “And Blake loves kids, or he wouldn’t work in a school,” Derek finished.

  “You’ve got some decisions to make, and I don’t envy you making them. You have to decide whether you can take a back seat to Owen’s nephew for however long it takes them to get things settled. He’s not a baby, so you’re not talking eighteen years, but he’s still in high school, so you are talking at least the school year.”

  “I just don’t know,” Derek said with a sigh. “I like Ephah. He’s hardworking and not afraid to ask for help when he needs it. If I were looking at hiring him for a crew, I wouldn’t even hesitate.”

  “But if you were looking at hiring him, it would be as an adult, or mostly, rather than as a kid who needs someone to take care of him,” Brian replied. “You might be teaching him things at work, but when quitting time comes, that would be the end of it. There’s no quitting time when you’re a parent.”

  “Unless you’re Marlene and it involves your stepchildren,” Derek said bitterly. “Then they only exist when you want to show someone else what a kind and generous person you are for taking them on along with your own kid.”

  “Like I said. There’s a reason I don’t want kids.”

  “Yeah, but what kind of asshole does it make me if I break up with Owen because Ephah is suddenly in the picture?”

  “One who knows himself well enough not to make his life and his partner’s life hell over something neither of them can change,” Brian replied.

  “Relationships are supposed to be about compromise,” Derek said.

  “From where I’m sitting, you’re the only one who’s doing any giving right now.”

  It certainly felt that way to Derek too, but he’d tried to tell himself Owen missed their time together as much as he did. He just wasn’t sure he believed it anymore. “I guess I need to talk to Owen.”

  “Call me when it’s over. We can go get drunk somewhere. Paula’s out of town, so she won’t care.”
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  “Thanks, Bri.”

  “That’s what brothers are for, man. And for what it’s worth, I’m sorry it worked out this way. I know you really liked the guy.”

  It had gone far beyond liking, but all the love in the world couldn’t change the fact that he and Owen were caught in the one situation Derek wasn’t equipped to handle.

  “Talk to you tomorrow.”

  “Try to get some sleep.”

  That wasn’t going to happen, but Derek said goodbye and left it at that. He’d finish up the basement remodel tomorrow morning—only the final walk-through was left—and then he’d pull Owen aside to talk for a bit, and he’d put this stage of his life behind him. If Owen decided he wanted the rest of the renovations they’d discussed done at a later date, Thane could send another foreman to handle it.

  DEREK let Kit and Phillip sleep in the next day rather than drag them with him for the inspection. All that remained was a final sweep for tools and trash and to get Owen’s approval of the work they’d done. He’d have a hard enough time getting Owen alone with Ephah there. He didn’t need to add two more to the audience.

  Owen wasn’t in the kitchen when Derek knocked, but Ephah answered the door and let him in. “Hi, Derek. How are you this morning?”

  Ephah had finally relaxed into calling him by his first name after hanging out with Kit and Phillip, much to Derek’s relief. “I’m fine. How are you?”

  “I’m great. Uncle Owen took me shopping last night for stuff for my new room. The social worker is coming this afternoon to do the inspection, so we had to get it all set up.”

  That explained why Owen had canceled their date last night, but it did nothing to change Derek’s resolve. He couldn’t ask Owen to give Ephah less than what he needed, but he didn’t have anything to offer in that process, and he’d never be happy in a relationship that went the way this one was going. As much as it hurt to think about not seeing Owen anymore, it would hurt more a month or a year from now when the time they did have together had descended into constant fights because Derek had reached the breaking point one time too many.

  “I can’t wait to see it.” He hoped his words sounded more sincere than they felt to him.

  “I can show you now, if you want. Uncle Owen is still upstairs getting ready. He told me to let you in so you could get started,” Ephah said.

  “Then let’s get started,” Derek replied.

  He followed Ephah down the stairs, closed in and finished now rather than the rickety open steps they’d been when he first went down them. The utility area now included everything Owen needed for a kitchen, complete with granite countertops and a kitchen table that would sit six easily, rather than the perch that barely counted as a breakfast bar he’d had in the upstairs kitchen.

  Derek checked all the appliances to make sure they worked, even though he’d checked them as they’d installed them. Then he followed Ephah into what had originally been the garage. They’d replaced the garage door with french doors, which looked out into the backyard. Originally they’d planned for this to be Owen’s office space, but Ephah’s arrival had changed that. Owen and Ephah had been busy last night. They’d bought a bed and chest of drawers at Value City or somewhere similar from the looks of it, but from the huge smile on Ephah’s face, having anything new was a novelty. Owen had also moved in a bookshelf from somewhere—clearly not new—that Ephah had half filled with books already. Like uncle, like nephew apparently. “It looks great in here. Have you checked all the outlets to make sure everything works?”

  “I did that last night,” Ephah said. “They all work fine.”

  “Good. That speeds things up for me.”

  They walked from Ephah’s room into the living room. Derek switched on the lights and lamps to make sure everything worked. As he checked the last lamp, he found a screwdriver Kit or Phillip had left behind, so he stuck it in his toolbelt before walking into the downstairs bathroom. He turned on all the lights and faucets, but it was really a formality—and him dragging his feet, because all that was left was Owen’s bedroom.

  Finally he couldn’t delay any longer and went in to check it. “We’ll move Uncle Owen’s bed down after you’re done,” Ephah said. “He thought it might be easier to do the inspection if it didn’t have all the furniture in it yet.”

  The inspection wouldn’t have been any easier or more difficult, but it made it a little easier on Derek, not seeing the room set up the way he’d allowed himself to imagine, knowing now he’d never get to share it with Owen. “Thanks.”

  He checked the lights and the outlets and made sure there weren’t any tools left behind there either. “I think we’re done. I’ll just get the paperwork together so Owen can sign it when he comes down, and we’ll be out of your way.”

  Ephah gave a little wave and headed to his own room while Derek went back to the kitchen to wait for Owen. He’d just sat down at the table to begin writing up the final paperwork when Owen came down from upstairs. “Are you finished already?”

  “It didn’t take long. We did everything but the formalities yesterday,” Derek said.

  “That’s good. I got a call from the social worker yesterday saying they’d had a court date open up sooner than expected and if she could get the home visit done today, we could get the paperwork ready in time. I appreciate how hard you worked to get everything done. It will make this a lot easier.”

  “I’m glad we could help,” Derek replied, the first sincere thing he’d said all day. Ephah deserved everything Owen was doing for him, and anything Derek could do to help was time well spent. If only….

  But if onlies never led to anything but heartbreak.

  “If you’ll just sign off at the bottom to say we completed the inspection and you’re satisfied with the work, everything will be official. Thane will send you an invoice for the unpaid balance in a few days,” Derek said.

  Owen signed the papers and handed them back to Derek. “Do you have plans for this weekend?”

  “I don’t know yet,” Derek replied honestly.

  “With the home visit done, I should have a little more time. We could have dinner?” Owen suggested.

  Derek sighed. This was it. The moment he’d been dreading all morning. “I don’t think that’s a good idea. I know how this goes. I watched it with Thane and the boys. You have to focus on Ephah first. You have to, and anyone who asks you to do any differently, me included, is wrong. But that’s the problem, because I don’t know how long I’d be able to live like that. My entire life, someone else has always been more important than me. That’s not your fault any more than it’s my fault, but that’s the way it is. I’d start out being supportive, but there’d come a time when it would get to be too much. You’d have to cancel one time too many because Ephah needed something first, and I’d snap. We’d argue, which I’d hate myself for because I’d be the asshole in the situation. I’d know it as we were arguing, and I’d apologize later, but it would happen again. And again, until you got sick and tired of it, rightfully so. You’d suffer for it, and Ephah would suffer for it, and neither of you deserve that. I can’t do that to you, and I can’t do that to myself. I hate myself enough for this already.”

  “Do I get a say in this?” Owen asked, his voice shaking.

  “What is there to say?” Derek replied. “There’s no magic wand to take away my issues, and any other option puts you or Ephah in a bad situation. I’m sorry, Owen, but it’s best this way.”

  “Derek, please!”

  Derek’s heart broke, but if he stayed to listen to Owen plead, he’d give in, and they’d be having this conversation again, only it wouldn’t end nearly as well. “I’m sorry.” He turned on his heel and left before Owen could say anything else.

  Chapter Twenty-Four

  OWEN slumped onto the stool, shock leaving him numb. What had just happened? Had Derek really just ended things between them? He bent over double, trying not to retch. He’d been pushing so hard, trying to get things squared away for
Ephah so it wouldn’t interfere with his and Derek’s plans anymore, but Derek hadn’t even given him a chance to explain.

  He’d thought Derek understood what he was doing, but thinking back, he hadn’t ever explained it in words. He’d taken Derek’s help and understanding for granted, which didn’t say much good about him, but all Derek had to do was say something. He didn’t need to wash his hands of Owen completely.

  Derek could say it was him, not Owen, all he wanted, but that didn’t make it hurt less. Forget him. Owen had been happy before he came along, and now he had Ephah to take care of too. He’d throw himself into his new life, and Derek could stick that in his craw and choke on it. Owen had learned his lesson with Leroy, searching for ways to save their relationship long past the point of no return. He wouldn’t make the same mistake again. He had better things to do than pine for someone who didn’t even have the courage to fight for their relationship.

  “Ephah?” he called down the stairs. “Ready to help me move my bed?”

  Ephah appeared at the base of the steps a moment later. “Derek’s gone already? I figured you guys would take the excuse to spend a little time together. I know I’ve been hogging your attention.”

  “He had somewhere else he had to be. It is a workday.”

  “Yeah, I guess it is. Let’s get that bed moved, then, so you’ll be ready to work when the store opens.”

  Ephah and the store. That was all Owen needed.

  A WEEK later, Derek was still licking his wounds in private, but he’d managed to keep it from everyone else. Only Brian knew, but Brian understood. He’d just finished for the day on a minor bathroom remodel when he got a text from Blake.

  We haven’t seen you in a while. Come for dinner. I’m making the salmon with maple sauce.

  Blake was evil. Pure evil. That was Derek’s favorite meal, and Blake knew it.